Tuesday, December 29, 2009

decaffeinated

the other day i went into a coffee shop in the early evening and ordered a cup of decaf. the girl told me that they don't make decaf after noon, so i'd have to wait.

umm.

does that sound backwards to anyone besides me? seems to me that decaf would be more important for folks in the afternoon and evening when they may perhaps want to sleep at bedtime. and caffeinated in the morning when they want to wake up.

at any rate, i waited my three and a half minutes and had a cup of decaf. over the past couple of months i've fully weaned myself off of caffeinated coffee and in effect, caffeine of all forms in my diet. i don't miss it at all.

after my disappointing endocrinology experiment, i decided that i owed my body more trust. and in that decision, i vowed to scrutinize my diet for the corruptors. anyone that knows me, knows i am already fairly anal about what i eat. i read labels and i pore over nutritionals and i only buy meat and dairy that are organic, just for a start.

but with the information that my body is a perfect specimen of health, with the exception of my mind-inflicted ailments, trivial things such as headaches and occasional indigestion (and significantly pms) started to make me curious about their cause.

i think i've already noted in another blog that adding calcium and magnesium supplements, combined with the elimination of caffeine, have practically eliminated my pms. but in addition, i've found culprits at the bottom of the ingredient panel that cause my body these other minor symptoms.

for example, soy. it upsets my stomach. you'd think i may have noticed this before, but for the longest time i just thought it was concentrated forms like soy sauce or edamame. but on closer examination, i notice that if i eat anything with soy as an ingredient i'm guaranteed to feel uncomfortable. (and that's not even an artificial ingredient!)

and that headache i always get after chinese food? yep, msg. it's a splitting pain and sometimes leads to migraines, so i am careful to specify 'no msg' when i can. but i've suffered with chronic headaches for years. minor usually, but nearly daily. and now that i'm looking for links everywhere, i'm finding msg in things i assumed were safe to use. like my mother's favorite greek seasoning mix. or worcestershire sauce. (oh and be warned - there are lots of names for that nasty stuff. it's not always monosodium glutamate. best to avoid all glutamates, i've found.)

and so it goes. alcohol - out. caffeine - out. soy - out. glutamates - out. artificial sweeteners - out. one at a time...cleaner every day.

so, today when i got a call from the sleep center saying that my overnight study was totally normal and my daytime study showed only 'excessive sleepiness', it put me into my sherlock holmes role again. i wasn't surprised to get those results of course because the sleep study was such a joke to me. but if, by chance, their findings are correct then it begs the question of why the hell i'm sleepy all the time.

i guess i'll take a closer look at my diet. but even more than that, i think i have to go back to the mind body connection i know exists. if my body wants to sleep (perchance to dream) then my mind must be driving that need.

i've read of many famous inventors and artists whose greatest inspirations came during sleep and dreams. i don't know why i'm so prone to sleeping through my days, but i trust that the answer will come. perhaps in a dream.

d: inspiration and revelation in my sleep
b: my system is clean. clean as a whistle.
g: i can trust my body.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

joy

photo by renee lewis

todd said that all he really wanted for christmas was for everyone to be happy. and all it would take for him to be happy was rock band under the tree. (just kidding about that part.)

he got what he wanted.

we had simply the best christmas ever. wonderful, heartfelt gifts to and from each other. warm thank you's, even between the boys. and so much love and joy that i was sad to see them go when they left for their dad's around lunchtime.

christmas seems to just keep on coming though. the boys are gone and haley and i are giving each other the gift of ourselves this week. time together unstructured, unbound, and refreshingly alone. today we saw a movie at 11 in the morning and then spent two hours at the gym. we ate breakfast at 10, lunch at 5, and dinner at 9.

we're lucky enough to spend lots of time together every day, but time like this where the only burning time-related question is 'what day of the week is it?' is a precious gift. a very happy gift.

but back to todd. he's the least materialistic child i've ever met. christmas rolls around and he can't think of a single thing he wants. same with his birthday. he has hundreds of dollars of savings, readily at his disposal, and he never feels the urge to spend it. when he does express interest in anything at all material, i send out a press release and gift-givers practically arm wrestle for buying rights.

(note: this is not a case of him being spoiled. i only buy toys for the boys on appropriate gift holidays - ie birthday, christmas. otherwise they are on their own with allowance and other earned income.)

so, this year his request for family happiness and harmony wasn't out of character. and for that i am both proud and grateful.

d: todd's sensitivity celebrated and emulated.
b: i'm still enjoying todd's christmas present.
g: a son who recognizes the precious gift of joy.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

monster

-photo by renee lewis

something to behold.
that's what she said when we were falling in love.
something to behold.
that's what i think every morning i wake up to remember she's really mine.

bigger than the monster?
we hope so, she said today.
bigger than the monster?
immeasurably bigger, i firmly believe.

today my grandmother told me about her sister and her husband who just celebrated their 69th wedding anniversary. i can't imagine the monsters they slayed and the monsters they outran. i wonder what their secret weapon has been.

i suspect it's something to behold.

d: a monster slaying weapon.
b: i have the inside scoop on what it is.
g: something worth fighting for.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

latent

like any good obsessive-compulsive person, i've taken the time over the past week or so to study all the potential implications of how my sleep study transpired. and the words that keep showing up are 'sleep latency.'

according to the dictionary, latent means present but not actualized or remaining in a hidden phase. when you pair that with sleep it suggests that the sandman is lurking behind every corner, just waiting for the first opportunity to club you over the head.

in those minutes before most people fall asleep they may feel an irresistible droop in their eyelids, a tugging from the unconscious to drift off. but i feel that pull all the time. from the minute i wake up until i go to bed, and i think this must be the textbook definition of low sleep latency.

yesterday i took the wakefulness medicine i was given in order to safely drive to arkansas without stopping for a nap or taking mini-naps as i drove. (although mega demonstrated her willingness to take the wheel, i thought it best that i supervise, after all she doesn't have her license.) dosing with continuous advil, i was able to keep the side effect headache at bay and my eyelids were miraculously light.

though i'm resistant to taking prescription medications on a regular basis, i'm reluctantly forced to admit that not having to fight sleep over a 10 hour drive made the trip immeasurably more fun. and in all those wide awake hours, i had the time to ponder the idea of latency. surely sleep isn't the only latency i'm fighting... or maybe simply 'not allowing'. maybe i have a latent super power!

perhaps the next time i'm artificially super-awake, i'll be able to discover it... but right now i'm due for a nap..

d: latent super powers revealed
b: made record time on our drive, including puppy and human breaks
g: wakefulness medication provided for hours of conversation with todd

tag

last week haley and i were at our favorite thrift store - or one of them, at least - in search of a christmas tree stand for the second tree. after locating the only tree stand in the mega-size thrift store, and pleading with the barely-articulate-employee to replace the price tag and forgo the 24-hour hold for 'missing price stickers', my zeal for the deal led me to the handbag section.

i sorted through a couple of functional purses for excellent prices and then caught glimpse of a gucci stamped on a purse behind the counter. it was brown leather and hidden by several other bags, but i asked to take a closer look.

when they pulled it off the rack it proved to be a very cool, cylindrical leather gucci bag. and the most amazing part - only $8.96. vision blurred by the score on the tree stand, i could still make out the imprint on the side of the bag.

stamped 'gucci' and underneath: 'made in italy'

sold!

i proudly marched out of the goodwill, immediately transferred my wallet, camera and phone and marveled at my good luck. i mean - this purse was the bomb. and to find it for less than nine dollars - wow. i mean, how often does this happen??

the next day haley and i had the idea to check ebay and see if we could identify its 'true market value'. we searched through hundreds of brown gucci bags.. and didn't see anything remotely similar. though that didn't raise any flags - because it could very well have been in a closet for years before finding its way to the goodwill shelf - i did see some purse descriptions that made me take a closer look.

imagine my surprise when i opened it up to check the signature inner label and instead of finding the gucci name imprinted there, i saw a white paper tag in the seam instead.

hmm.

the next day i found myself wandering into the handbag section of some retail stores where i was christmas shopping. looking at bags with labels. expensive labels.

i fell in love with two... a lucky bag and a joe's jeans bag. the latter made its way home with me, because i could hardly get my head out of it, deeply inhaling the delicious scent of real italian leather.

today luke said, "you got another new purse, mommy?" and i said, "yes, but this one is real. it came with tags."

and todd chimed in, "the gucci had a tag too. it said, 'made in china.'"

d: watching and waiting the ebay auction i found on the lucky bag.
b: i have a fabulous new handbag: christmas present to myself.
g:
i know my geography and italy is not located in china.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

presence

tonight i almost found myself going to bed and wishing i'd had time to write for the second night in a row. but no - i won't do that. so despite the freezing temperatures outside, i retrieved my laptop from the car and now i'm curled up in bed with mega and my keyboard.

i'm fully immersed in christmas, both preparation and celebration. we put up a second tree in the sitting room off my bedroom and decorated it completely differently than the main tree in the living room - bright colors, silly, and even gaudy ornaments. i've got christmas lights across the headboard of my king size bed and my bedroom floor is a cross between a gym and santa's workshop. ribbons and weights, wrapping paper and medicine balls, scissors and a bosu trainer, scotch tape and a body ball - you get the picture. hazardous doesn't even begin to cover it.

but i love it.

after i took mega out tonight for her last time, i sat down at todd's computer briefly to look at something. (this was before i braved the cold for my own computer.) his screen was filled with warcraft. (not real war, i mean world of warcraft, the game.) when i see the gaming websites pulled up on his page, the screenshots on his background or his homepage he's set to a game related site, it takes me back for a second.

yes, i admit it, i was briefly an online gamer. i played for about a year.. and quit playing about a year ago. it was very fun. i played with the boys and i played with strangers; and a fair number of the strangers became friends over time. but mostly i played to escape.

so when i walk up and see the game on todd's computer and feel no draw, no interest at all in getting reinvolved, it tells me something.

it's no coincidence that the time in my life when i became suddenly sick coincides with the year i disappeared into my computer screen. and it's no coincidence that when i started taking care of my body and mind, i reemerged.

mind bodymindbody mindbody mindbodymindbodymindbody... connection is an understatement.

but now - i don't want to escape! in fact, the life i live i can't get enough of. i definitely don't want any less. i don't want to miss a thing.

and my christmas theme speaks to that. somehow i often have a theme that runs through my gift giving.. last year, it was books. i was putting reading and writing back into priority in my own life and i gave everyone on my christmas list books that i selected for them, with accompanying letters explaining my choices.

this year, i have a different theme.. (though i did love book-giving and will definitely revisit it!) i don't want to say what it is, because there are still 9 days till christmas after all. but i will say that it's something i couldn't give if i weren't fully present.

a present of presence, as it were.

d: presence with my family over the holidays
b: present in my life
g: presence of my family and my haley

Saturday, December 12, 2009

insomnolepsy

well, i completed my nap test in record time. four naps rather than the standard five. so either i blew them away with my capacity for sleep or i demonstrated a wakefulness that i don't normally possess. and strangely enough, i have no idea which was the case.

after spending a night connected to a dozen electrodes placed across my face, chest, legs and scalp, with wires coming out of my hair like medusa and two sets of tubes plugging my runny nose, i woke at 5:30 am, minutes before the tech issued my wake-up call. all night i was plagued by dreams of being woken up or conversely of sleeping through planned events. yet, neither happened.

the nap test is a curious animal though. after the overnight test, i was instructed that i'd have to take naps at 7, 9, 11, 1 and 3. in between the naps i was tasked with staying awake, but sedentary. in a recliner. no exercise. no sunlight. no meaningful stimulation of any type. frankly, the perfect conditions for a nap.

i put up a valiant effort to hold my eyes open until designated nap times and then when put into a dark room, in a bed, i experienced my first bouts of insomnia. ever. of course, the nature of narcolepsy is that you fall asleep at inappropriate times. so maybe it shouldn't be that surprising. when i was commanded to 'sleep!' my brain went into overdrive.

once in the bed, you have to perform a series of activities so they can get a baseline brain wave reading before you sleep. it's very soothing, really. blinking, grinding your teeth, moving your eyes in all different directions. doesn't everyone go through these exercises before they doze off?

'you may now take your nap,' the pleasant female voice says over the intercom after i completed the regimen of eye and facial contortions.

'what if i don't sleep enough on this test?' 'what if it takes me too long to fall asleep?' 'what are my brain waves doing now?' 'did i look left when she said to?' 'was i moving my legs when she said be still? is that going to mess up the results?' 'oh nooooo, my time is running out...'

and then, even while those thoughts were racing through my head, alongside a mental marquee scrolling my christmas shopping list, i would drift off. but where i drifted, i couldn't tell you. was it sleep? was it twilight sleep? was it a trance? i definitely don't recall any deep sleep, though i did dream of opening a cabinet and finding a three layer chocolate cake, and sadly that didn't really happen.

after 20 minutes the voice comes over the intercom, 'this nap opportunity has ended. i'll be right in to help you.' ie. disconnect you from the electronic tether to the bed. to add insult to injury, the tech then asks you if you slept. and if so, for how long and did you dream and how long till you fell asleep.

umm, isn't that what all the damn wires are for?
'why don't you tell me?' i wanted to reply.
she recorded my answers but i knew internally she's thinking, 'this idiot. she doesn't even know when she's asleep.'
i'm sure the sole purpose of that questionnaire is for comic relief in the 'control room'. (yes, they really called it that.)

when i told todd about the test the next day, he said, 'mommy, how can they see what normal sleep is like for you when that's not normal at all?'

out of the mouths of babes.

the tech, however, assured me that this test has been in use since the 1940's (though when i researched myself i found it was invented in 1977) and was developed by a pair of renowned stanford sleep scientitsts (this part was correct). it's considered 'the' test for narcolepsy, so there you have it.

of course, i have no results yet. the doctor is on vacation and until he's back in town i'm left to wonder and wait. i figure if the results are negative for narcolepsy, i've at least figured out how to keep myself awake. i'll just need a bed and a dark room nearby at all times.

d: insomnia by day, narcolepsy by night.
b: i dream asleep and awake, and at all stages in between.
g: i was spared the 5th nap, emancipated by haley, and took an unplanned detour to yoforia instead.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

dbg

a week between blogs is perhaps reaching a new low in frequency. and tonight i come to my computer with more things to write about than i've had in weeks.. and yet unsure of the words to put around my thoughts and feelings.

so perhaps i'll use a format with which i'm familiar...

d: i desire a holiday as beautiful as the 10-foot, freshly (finally) decorated christmas tree before me. a christmas tree, i might add, that i got for the bargain price of $80 fresh from the grower over the weekend, while visiting my dad in north carolina. note to self: must make that a holiday tradition. economical. environmental. and a bit more festive.

i'm in a peculiar predicament this holiday as my first one without 'vacation time'. as a contractor, i only bill the hours i work and regardless of my intent, there won't be much going on over the holiday to occupy me. it's an inconvenient time to lose income; so i've been working all day, every day this week and extra hours last as well. haley is also off unpaid over the holidays. i imagine we'll be eating at home and playing scrabble for the week between christmas and new years. (accepting all meal and free entertainment invitations.)

b: i won a battle with my body by declaring a truce. i know i've mentioned before the virulent relationship i've had with my hormones. it drove me to a 'renowned' endocrinologist for a blood workup that proved i'm perfectly healthy, save my sudden sleepiness. and then it drove me to look deeper.

as a long time believer in the mind-body connection, i don't know why i'd stubbornly put this in the category of 'it's my body, it's my body, it's my body. it has to be.' but after i heard the $1000 diagnosis of healthy, i had to pause and admit maybe it wasn't.

i don't have any scientific reports on this, but i suspect hormones may in fact be one of the things in our bodies most directly impacted by our minds. so, i set to work fixing what i knew to be sick thinking. i wrote a list of affirmations and intentions around my healthy, whole body. and i've been reading them every day, morning and night. i also made a couple of tweaks to my diet. more calcium. more magnesium. decaf coffee.

and wouldn't you know, this month my period appeared with so little emotional fanfare, the people closest to me couldn't believe it. incidentally, right on time. which is another thing i've been telling myself. that my cycles are irregular. but when i look at a year overall, they are remarkably regular. a couple exceptions, but for good reason, i trust.

and that's the main thing. i realized i wasn't trusting my body. i've had lots of lingering doubt and distrust. fear. and though i love my body and treat it well on the one hand; on the other i sabotage it with criticism and negative thoughts. then ridiculously i'm confused by the results; which are also confused.

so i declared a truce. in fact, more than a truce. i'm adding trust to the love and seeing real results.

g: haley is a reader, a prolific one, and has brought tremendous books to my life. recently she came over with a book of short passages on money and quietly left it on my bedstand. it is a hard back book and had no dust jacket, just a beige cloth cover. she placed it under the other books i'm reading currently and muttered, 'thought this may be something we could both take a look at.'

i didn't so much as pick it up for at least a week or two. in fact, i still haven't, to be technical. but the other night haley was reading it and i was reading over her shoulder. she was just flipping through the short sections and nibbling at the contents and paused on a section called 'cash.'

she's a person that uses cash almost exclusively and i'm a person that uses plastic almost exclusively. reconciling my quicken with the hundreds of check card purchases is an activity that fills me with dread several times a week. the book suggested going cash for a month. if money is energy, and i believe it is, touching the energy and making contact with it has to raise you to its frequency. thereby attracting more of it.

and if not, then at the very least, there's the lovely smell of cash. i can assure you that plastic has no such smell and frequently my frequency drops when i swipe my card and enter my pin. so, in an effort to increase all cash flow this month - and all months - i'm giving it a go. so far, i'm impressed.

of course there's the added awareness due to the 'new' factor, but there's also a greater reluctance to part with cold, hard cash. (believe me - that's a good thing for me.) then there's also a little something else. something i didn't expect or even read of in the book. there's a little bit of pride in purchasing something with cash. it feels like a real energy exchange between me and the person on the other side of the counter. another good thing.

it feels good to lay here and write tonight. it feels right.

d: more writing time.
b: i'm a writer.
g: i have plenty of time.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

scales

-photo by renee lewis

this picture was taken in june. though i love many of the pictures taken with renee during our summer shoot, this is one of my very favorites. haley and i had been together only four months at this time and probably our biggest logistic challenge was coordinating wardrobes for pictures.

six months later i find myself driving down the street today, passing expensive, expansive homes, and realizing my distaste for them is directly proportionate to their size. 'why?' i asked myself. only to be met with the reality that i feel my own house is a trap, largely because of its size relative to my needs and resources.

that's nothing new, i've been struggling with that reality for years now. but not only do i feel trapped financially and burdened by square footage and location, there's also my heart...

the scales have tipped. one day at a time i have more and more reasons to go and fewer and fewer to stay. and owing to the F in my meyers-briggs, i admittedly make decisions with my heart rather than my head. so it's taken a hefty contribution on the 'leave' side to tip, but here i am.

with logistic considerations exceeding wardrobe.
with a decision that will make sense to both my heart and my head.
with a scale that has decidedly tipped.

d: the right buyer at the right time and the right price
b: i'm making a thoughtful decision i feel good about.
g: scales overflowing with love.

snow

after my latest reading marathon haley has challenged me to read an epic contemporary classic that's somehow eluded me, fountainhead. with tiny, tiny print and what appears to be over a thousand pages i said i was up for the escape, er i mean challenge. i actually love long books, john irving is one of my favorite authors and is a master of the long novel.

but before i dive into another completely engrossing week of reading, i opted to take a detour with a bill bryson book chronicling his hike of the appalachian trail. a walk in the woods. though i haven't done a bit of backpacking since luke was born, i still consider myself a backpacker. the book is hilarious and poignant and true to the letter of many of my experiences. all in all, a perfect literary diversion. also short. did i mention that? i've sat down with it for exactly two cardio sessions and i'm half-way done.

the weather report says we may get snow on saturday. this is the earliest atlanta would have seen snow in the 11 years i've lived here. i can't imagine it being more than a flaky rain drizzle, what with the temp reaching 40 for a high; but it is an ominous early winter bellwether.

in my early childhood snow was a fairly standard part of winter. northern arkansas. washington, dc. both places saw many white winter days. but as a teen and an adult, i can count on one hand the number of significant snows i've experienced. the first of those being the blizzard (yes, it really was a blizzard. check the almanac if you don't believe me.) of 1993. when i was on the appalachian trail myself. with my best friend marla.

our trip was aborted by the record low temperatures and snow billowing through the trees; but the few short days we were there remain surreal in my memory. the blizzard was just kicking into gear when we were hiking out, but the quiet of the forest in anticipation of the storm shrouded us like a blanket. where we were accustomed to forest sounds and rustling leaves and calling birds, we heard nothing.

it was unlike any backpacking trip i'd experienced before or since.
wind blowing. temperature dropping. pervading stillness before a storm.
though inexperienced, even we could read the signs. could sense the signs.

and so tonight, as i reach for my recreational reading and fill the stillness with words i trust myself to read the signs. to sense the signs. and to trust the signs.

an early snow?
perhaps just a reminder to listen to the quiet.

d: let it snow!
b: i trust the signs.
g: a walk in the woods, soon. very soon.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

reruns

it's been a scanty writing week for me as i've obsessively devoured the twilight books. finished the final one yesterday morning with both relief and remorse; because after all, i need my life back but i'm not embarrassed to admit my attachment to the characters. *shrug*

i also have been reluctant to write because i'm afraid this may sound a bit like the summer reruns. i've lost my new everyday earrings - the ones that replaced my last lost pair. mega impressed me with a heroic recovery from her spay on wednesday - jumping off the bed and running down the stairs to greet haley the very day of her surgery (to my dismay and protest, i might add). and as of tonight, my car is headed back to the shop and i'm soon to be driving another enterprise rental.

all in all, my life is on repeat.

losing things.
mega amazing me.
car-tastrophe*.

but it's officially the holiday season.. and i'm excited. i started christmas shopping over the holiday weekend and i shared a delicious and wonderful first thanksgiving with haley. tonight on hold with the insurance company i listened to orchestral christmas music and the neighbors are all decorating with colorful lights. i uncovered my wrapping paper stash and as soon as the tree is up next weekend, my favorite part of the season will commence - gift wrapping!

so, i'm choosing to say nevermind to the rerun and welcome to the holidays, because there's nothing i love more than christmas.

d: exit the rerun cycle
b: christmas decisions finalized!
g: injury free car-tastrophe.

*car-tastrophe of the day: on my way home from the city, the car in front of me hit the median, blew out a tire, and came to a too-abrupt stop. with traffic to my right and the aforementioned median to my left, i had nowhere to go but my brake pedal. sliding and holding my breath, mega and i crashed into the rear end of the stopped car. my car suffered the lion's share of the damage but my airbag did not deploy - thank god i disregarded that airbag recall- and so mega and i were untouched. the officer found no fault in the accident and my insurance company already has the repair and a rental in place for me.

d: the extra dents and dings repaired and repainted in the process!
b: it wasn't my fault! (my phone was safely stowed in the console, rather than my hand...)
g: haley immediately at my side before the report was even finalized.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

selfish

it's a tuesday night and i just watched my one tv show of the week. usually it's a family thing. the boys and i settle in for our tuesday night biggest loser event each and every week. i typically have to lay on the floor holding the antenna just so, lest we lose the signal. the boys take turns running downstairs to retrieveacceptable snacks and generally eat continuously through the two-hour weight loss show. (that irony isn't lost on me.)

the boys left for thanksgiving with their father today; so this week i watched it alone. or rather in the company of four legged companions only. oliver and green replaced the boys, on the couch, and mega maintained her customary place of esteem, on my lap. i filled the commercial breaks with quick dips into the third volume of my twilight obsession.

the house is clean. no laundry piled on the couch. the kitchen sink empty. the quiet and stillness (aside from the pups' occasional bursts of energy) fill my entire three thousand square feet and ricochet.

while i was making my dinner, luke called. just to talk. mostly to see how my day went, what i did, what i was planning for the evening. no agenda. just reaching out. he said he loved me and he'd call tomorrow.

i wondered after we hung up if this is what it will be like when the nest is empty. i know this goes against the societal taboo, but i love it. i love my time alone. i love my time with only haley. i love the freedom of getting home when i want. eating when i want. reading at the table. writing when i want. structuring only myself.

selfish? absolutely.

i never hear my other parent-friends say it and when i've said it in their company i'm met with furrowed brows and concerned awkwardness. it seems like most moms are constantly playing the 'one-up' game of martyrdom. for parents being selfish is the most shameful character flaw on the market.

but i reject that notion. i think, no - i know - that there's a place in my life for me. and my identity is bigger than 'mother'. so i shrug off the shame. i feel no guilt for putting a high value on myself.

in fact, i attest that in this context a selfish mother is a better mother. because if i don't role model self care where will my children learn it?

d: a selfish holiday weekend.
b: i'm not a martyr.
g: puppies, baking and quiet ricocheting.

Friday, November 20, 2009

threes

so, as it turns out obsessive reading isn't good for writing. but it is very good for machine based cardio. i just learned that i can indeed keep my heart rate at 85% max for an hour and never even look at the clock, as long as i am careful to keep the sweat off my book. i've been a skeptic to this possibility until now. i admit it. i was wrong.

in other late-breaking news: i am pleased to announce that i've stopped losing things. for at least a couple of weeks now, i can't think of a single lost and found hunt that's ended empty-handed, even the initially elusive things.

there has been one thing though... with the discovery of my short term memory came the loss of my coordination. (not that i had much to begin with.) and apparently this issue is contagious. last sunday i fell on a tennis ball and sprained my ankle. (lightly sprained.. the swelling is gone and the bruising mostly gone now.) today i slipped and fell in a parking lot and pulled haley down with me. scraped both my knees and hit the back of my head. (not sure how i did the latter. we suspect it was haley's knee when we tumbled.) and then this evening, luke slammed his thumb in the car door.

three minor, but rather painful, accidents in five days, affecting three people. these things come in threes? i can only hope.

memory.
coordination.
what's next?

d: may it not be sanity
b: i broke away from my teen fiction to write
g: we're fully stocked on ibuprofen.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

twilight

tonight the boys and i were initiated to twilight. we watched the first one on dvd and (write this down folks - it's a rare occasion) i actually stayed awake through the entire movie. shocking, but true. i did. i'd have to give it a mixed review. while it kept me awake and was entertaining and interesting and makes me want to see the new one; it made me say aloud several times, 'i wish i'd read the book first.'

not because i didn't know what was going on. that was pretty clear - we all followed without a bit of confusion (except why didn't the rest of the town notice the vamps' freakishly white faces? uh hello, i know it's seattle, but still...). i wished i'd taken the time to read the book first because i imagine there's so much more to the story that is left to the viewer's imagination. lots of dialogue- and action-free scenes that i'm certain the author had words to fill. and being a writer myself, i want to know what those words were. i do. nothing against the fine acting of the teenage stars, but their faces only carry the mystery so far.. i yearned for the inner dialogue.

so, with a reluctant heart (because there are simply too many books in my queue already) tomorrow i will go pick up the next
twilight book. i'll lose myself in it for a few hours, (i imagine it's a super fast read), and then i can join the boys and haley in seeing new moon this weekend.

so much for taking down that wallpaper... maybe over thanksgiving.

d: if haley turns out to be a vampire, please don't let her suck the venom out. got it? k. thanks.
b: speed reading is my one secret talent. (see? already have it in place. go ahead. bite me.)
g: a film that kept me awake. now, let's hope it lets me sleep.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

context

i made a list tonight.. a manifesting list. i made a list like this once before regarding 'my perfect job'.. and almost before the ink dried i was in the HR office hearing my position was being eliminated, the first step toward the perfect job that manifested in the process.

so tonight i made a list describing 'my perfect body.'

the puzzle is finally coming together for me, i think. i've spent the past many months trying to assimilate all the pieces. putting together what i know to be true and what i've experienced. checking with physicians and checking with measurements. increasing this and decreasing that. cleaning out all the complicating factors. and still when i had all the pieces on the table, it just wouldn't gel.

like a puzzle without the edges in place. clusters of understanding, but no context.

mind and body. mind and body. i read all these books about the mind-body relationship related to disease and illness and when it comes to my health and fitness, i forget the lesson.

so i made a list. i'm putting my mind in the right place about my body and knowing my body will follow. i'm putting my mind and my body on the same side as partners; rather than adversaries. i'm choosing to trust my body, to give it credit for the protection it's given me and to return that protection in kind.

i'm putting the four corners in place and securing the edges. things are starting to make sense.

d: my perfect body.
b: i have the pieces to work with.
g: my perfectly healthy body.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

dinner

i'm just now realizing that the way i grew up is much more the exception than the rule. of course, i knew that in many regards, but i'm speaking specifically about family dinners. when i was a kid, we ate dinner at the table together. every night. and i don't mean it in a norman rockwell sort of way, necessarily. i just mean that we did. like it or not, pleasant or not, it was a ritual and it was a rule. (or was it an exception? hmm.)

now, as an adult and as a mother, having a dinner together as a family is something i find in my self-evaluation as a successful parent or a failure. i love to cook and i love to cook especially for my family, and whatever wandering stragglers we can fit at the table. (it's a small table, i'm sad to say. so we have to crowd around. but that's on my 'next house' list to rectify.) but at any rate, more nights than not we eat together, a meal i've prepared. and the not-nights, we still eat together as a family, but those are meals i haven't prepared. and fend-for-yourself nights only occur when there's a babysitter or i'm incapicitated and ill.

so, by my standards, i succeed in this criteria on the mom-assessment. most of the time.

enter: tonight's dinner.

well intentioned, but disaster nonetheless. i bought a whole chicken to roast.. and remembered using a recipe not long ago that called for a fruit inserted into the chicken before baking it. unfortunately, i couldn't remember either where i found the recipe, where i've stashed the recipe, or what the fruit was. that should have been the first sign that things were not to go as hoped.

i have a counter full of small tangerines, left over from last weekend's fruit fest, so i thought to myself, 'maybe it was an orange...' and stuffed one in there. but first, let me just say, this was the most unusual chicken i've ever seen. the breast side had very little meat on it. it had a nice arch and the legs nicely tucked alongside, but truly this beast wasn't well endowed.

but i greased her up anyway with some olive oil, stuffed her with an orange, sprinkled with seasonings and put her in my favorite roasting pan for what should have been a delicious meal, some time later.

much later.

after repeated checkings and repositionings and a steady nudge on the temperature of the oven, it occurred to me that maybe the bird was upside down. but no, the bottom side of the roasting chicken was flatter than a pancake. surely not the breast. but wait.. when i cut into it, there's definitely white meat there. lots of it. and on the breast side (or the back side??) there's nothing. must be something about those organic chickens, i mused.

i know this sounds like i'm a novice in the kitchen. like perhaps i've never cooked a bird before. but truly, i have witnesses. this bird was unlike any other chicken i've ever seen, bought or been served. ever. (nance, can i get an amen on that?)

after flipping it over, and another nudge on the thermostat, it finally reached an acceptable level of pink/white balance for me to comfortably serve. (of course, some had to be microwaved to appease my guests.. but i'm braver than most with raw poultry.)

it tasted only marginally better than it looked. which wasn't great. for the record, i don't think an orange was the right fruit.

and that's just the chicken part of the disaster.

i never serve white potatoes. i don't even know the difference between the ten different varieties of potatoes that aren't sweet. i generally just pick up the sweet potatoes and move on. but for a change, and as a concession to my children, i thought i'd make homemade mashed potatoes. i do know how to do this. and i did it just fine. but i refuse to put in two sticks of butter and a quarter cup of salt...and so they were rather potatoe-y. ie. bland.

the good news is that the boys will be happy to see sweet potatoes back on the menu.

everything else turned out fine. though there wasn't much else there to mess up. the failure of the white side of the plate overpowered the success of the colored side.

i think i mentioned once that stone soup was a favorite book of mine as a child. it came to mind as i cleaned the kitchen, so i threw the carcass of that mutant chicken into a pot of water and i'll have you know, it won't be a total wash.

and as for my mom-grade... misery loves company, you know. and perhaps these are the sorts of meals that will be more memorable in the long run anyway. (one of my clearest meal memories from childhood was when i negotiated to never have to eat liver again if i ate it that one time. clear as a bell.) so while i get an E for effort and an F for edibility, i give myself an A for making meal memories.

d: more memorable, edible, meals with my family
b: the soup will be fantastic. i just know it.
g: meals together, be they victorious or disastrous.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

treats


i just caught mega humping one of her baby toys. her baby toys because she's still a baby herself! how can she possibly be doing such a thing? i tapped her flank and scolded her and she hung her head. is it possible she knows it's inappropriate? nothing would surprise me.

i've run out of the important, essential commands to teach her. so now we're doing frivolous things like laying out three treats in front of her and then sending her to them one at a time, in an order i specify. it's win/win to her - she gets three treats! and it's a power trip for me - i point and she eats! added benefit: it teaches her patience and self-control.

i personally could use more of both. maybe i should enroll in puppy class, for myself. after two mini-meltdowns, (ok, maybe not so mini), in as many days i am in need of probably an entire semester at obedience school. it seems that my thoughts and emotions and energy are at the whim of some other entity and certainly not in line with my higher thinking. i call that entity: hormones.

i'm trying to get a grasp on what may be misaligned in my hormonal circuitry; met an endocrinologist, am reading and studying possibilities, and am getting every toxin out of my life that's within reach. keeping the system as pure as possible. and yet... it feels as though a nuclear reactor melts in my head when i get this way and nothing can contain it.

i read in a book recently, 'schedule around your pms..' as in, know when it's coming and don't make any critical decisions during that time. wouldn't that be nice? it would be nice enough to know when it's coming, ie have any semblance of regularity; but being able to put the rest of my life on hold while my estrogen takes over would simply be divine.

perhaps i could put a little escape hatch in my garage. i feel the temperature rising in the reactor and i simply could jump through the hatch and slide down a tunnel to a get-away vehicle, think batmobile, that takes me somewhere free of responsibility and free of... myself. until i come back to what's normal for me, at least. then i could reemerge in my family, in my life. all put back together and refreshed. nobody else the worse for the wear.

sigh

unfortunately under the piles of paint cans and the strewn and broken bicycle bits my garage holds no escape hatch. no tunnels to freedom here. and so, tonight i'm cuddled into bed, mega under my arm, working on a spreadsheet for my day job, and trying to buffer my contact with the outside world by at least a layer of technology; as i've heard that those mushroom clouds can be quite deadly.

mega just sighed in her sleep. i imagine she's dreaming of a row of treats laid out before her. (not the quasi-sexual experience she just had with her baby toy)

hmm, perhaps a row of treats is the answer i'm looking for.

d: patience and self-control.. with and of myself.
b: despite a failed first attempt, second try success at my daily workout.
g: a family and partner that love me..and bring me treats, right when i need them.

Monday, November 9, 2009

reward!

i'm minutes away from doing something i haven't done in months. and i'm absolutely, utterly, on the edge of my seat with joyful anticipation for it. well, sort of on the edge of my seat. really on a massive assemblage of pillows on my bed, with mega under my left arm.

i've cleaned the house today. done the grocery shopping. planned meals for the week. worked out - twice, in fact. showered. and now.. i'm setting aside the stack of books i've been studying, er i mean reading, over the past couple of months. (and i'm setting aside this computer, just as soon as i finish this short post.) and i'm picking up my new sarah waters novel.

sigh

i've been reading non-fiction for months now.. and it's making my brain hurt. between the exercise and nutrition books saying 'do this to change your body!' and the new-agey metaphysical books saying, 'it's all in your head...even your body' and the dog-training and the money-managing and.. and..

i need a break.

how can i possibly be creative when even my relaxation time makes me do so much processing? how can i possibly relax?

and with that.. i'm off to make a dent in a totally fantastic novel about something paranormal and mysterious. and nothing i have to remember after i turn the page.

d: creativity to stimulate creativity
b: my extremely productive day is being rewarded!
g: the little stranger awaits...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

mom

most every day i wish i lived closer to my mom.. but then there are days when i really wish it. when i really want nothing more than to go be underfoot and be taken care of. i imagine that if i lived nearby, i could do that. but then i remember that she's perhaps even busier than i am and when i am there, i often take as much pleasure in taking over her kitchen as i do in her taking care of me.

i wonder if maybe that's my style.. when i want to be taken care of, i find a way to do it for someone else. i don't know that it's healthy though. i probably should find a way to take care of myself.

luke just said to me, 'i had a dbg kind of day.' i don't know what that means to him, exactly, but it made me smile. he then proceeded to rattle off two dbg's in a row, with one of the g's being that he's grateful to be home (after a night at a friend's house), and that made me smile too. and then, of course, he made me do one. and that made me smile too.

so maybe, i don't have to go all the way to my mom's skirt-hem to find comfort. perhaps i have what i need right here.

though i do wish a dinner-cooking fairy would show up.. i'm just saying.

d: a hot shower, dinner, and bed.
b: luke had a 'dbg kind of day'.
g: my boys, my mega, and my haley.. for when mom is out of reach.

Friday, November 6, 2009

online

daylight savings is a conundrum of the nth power. in the spring we lose that hour over and over again and in the fall, we spend that additional hour every day for weeks, as though we've received the key to the kingdom.

not that i'm complaining about the latter, of course. i have been waking up before my alarm every morning - which already goes off at the tormenting hour of 7am - and unable to go back to sleep with the sun brightly shining. by noon, i've already accomplished more than 75% of my day's tasks and i'm wondering what i'll do with my 'free time'.

but when evening rolls around i have the satisfied feeling of exhaustion and accomplishment. and not a minute to spare. oh how i've spent that hour. again and again.

today after starting work at 7am (it really is the best time for business with singapore), cleaning the kitchen, doing some laundry, making breakfast, researching vacation spots, working out, driving to and from atlanta, climbing a tree at the park, eating lunch at a new restaurant, grocery shopping, cutting fruits and veggies for a school carnival tomorrow, taking the boys to dinner, and wrestling them to bed; i finished and uploaded my dbg fitness website.

and that is what the extra hour afforded me tonight. an internet presence. (no offense to this one.)

check it out.

www.dbgfitness.com


d: preparation and promotion rewarded
b: i'm online!
g: it's bed time.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

wrong

tonight the boys and i went to see this is it, the michael jackson documentary. i won't pretend that i've been a huge fan or anything. i loved his music growing up, of course; but i filed him under F for freak after he dropped from the limelight and i paid his later headlines little heed.

tonight i stand corrected. tonight i sat in amazement. jaw agape. and wondered how i missed the artistry behind his music and his work.

perhaps it happens a lot that true art isn't realized or appreciated until the artist is gone. that's what they say, at least. and i find that tragic and sad. (not just because i'm in love with an artist, either.)

i have my theories about why that is and i don't think it's a sign of a deteriorating society, or anything of the like. i think, if you look closer at human nature, we often don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. art.. family.. health..

but i digress. back to the film.. i found jackson's creative vision and all-encompassing ownership of his music to be riveting. the layers and the complexities of what he created around each song and the production associated with the developing concert changed my perspective entirely. while i would never consider music to be one-dimensional, perhaps i wouldn't automatically categorize it in the dimensions jackson did.

perhaps this makes no sense to those of you who haven't seen the film. perhaps it makes no sense to those of you who have. i simply am finding myself at a loss for the right words.

what i can put into words though is this... i was wrong. i was wrong in my dismissal. i was wrong in my marginalization.

and i am so very sorry i had to see a documentary of tour rehearsals rather than the tour itself.

d: more compassion and appreciation for the incomprehensible among us
b: i'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror...
g: better late than never.

surfaced

when i was in college, it was a rite of spring to allow the first deep part of the creek to distract a day-hike and permit a swim. the best spring time swims though were in the unexpected deep swimming holes we found hiking along the mountain rivers.

standing on the edge of an embankment, readying to jump into dark waters for the first time, there's an inexplicable sensation. nervous anticipation. a twinge of fear. a sense of daring. a maternal, discouraging voice of reason. and an overriding pursuit of the thrill.

adrenaline rising.

then feet hit the water. senses come alive. water closes overhead. body engulfed in a rush of endorphins.

down. down. down.

how far to the bottom? will my feet touch soft sand? hard pebbles? or will i just keep falling? for a second fear crowds the rush.

and then, as suddenly as the plummet, i'm rising. i'm reaching up for air. i see the light penetrating the water and i struggle to gauge how far away it is. as if knowing my exact depth will make a difference.

gasping, kicking, and straining: i surface.

from the safety of shore and warmth of my springtime layers, i store the memory of another dive into the dark depths. another dive that stole my breath. another dive that revved my heart. another dive, from which i surfaced.

but there is a small voice that reminds me when i dive into the unknown pools, there's a chance of shallow rocks. and coming up short is something that only happens once.

d: clear, sunny pools of pleasure.
b: i've surfaced.
g: five days deep rather than moments shallow.

Friday, October 30, 2009

nevermind

i probably should've known but in my optimistic way i expected more. as it turns out, todd's other parent isn't quite as proud as i am of todd's confidence and sense of humor. it seems that the potential embarassment of having a son dressed as a girl outweighs his pride in having a son with balls enough to express himself in such a creative and courageous way.

disappointing.

i challenged him with the question as to whether or not a daughter who wanted to dress up as a football player would elicit the same reaction. i was told that wasn't comparable. (umm, really?)

so, my pride weekend is off to an auspicious start.

i ache for todd. not just because his halloween will be different than he planned it. that happens all the time. but because he's starting to see his father's limitations. i know that's part of life and i know we all go through it. but it's still sad to me, because i hate to hear the pain in his voice when he calls in fear of non-acceptance. fear realized.

we're about to get ready for the first pride party of the weekend. it's a party for women, really the only dance party of the weekend dedicated to the women. back when i partied more, i partied with the fags. i loved those weekends spent in the boy bars bouncing to an electronic beat but the annual women's dance party of pride was the highlight of the year.

i'm excited. haley is playing rolls on the snare drum as i write and my heart is racing in anticipation of a good time in store.

and i guess that's how it goes. that's how the scales balance, as my libran love would attest. on the one side, my oldest son's personal expression is squashed by fear and prejudice. and on the other side, i'm enjoying a weekend dedicated to the expression of diversity.

one step forward and one step back? disappointing indeed.

d: more forward steps.
b: todd's evolution exceeds his parents'.
g: more forward steps than back.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

PRIDE

so todd is telling everyone that he's going as a werewolf for halloween. and that would be a great costume, of course. but the reality is that his costume is even better.

he and i have discussed halloween costumes for weeks now. we visited a store early in the season and did some window-shopping for ideas, but nothing caught his eye. i started to hear things like, 'do i have to dress up if i want to trick-or-treat?'

i should go ahead and note that yes, i am one of those candy-givers who requires a costume. no school clothes wearing kids on my doorstep, please. i'm paying to be entertained, for crying out loud.

so, i replied an emphatic, 'YES' to todd's plea for apathy.

last week, haley, the boys and i drove outside our normal suburban shopping zone (to another suburban shopping zone, of course) to visit the mack daddy of halloween stores. we were looking for bits and pieces, but of course wound up with much more. even luke, whose costume was entirely complete, identified a number of 'essential' additions, such as a bullet wound. essential.

but todd, amid hundreds of costumes found nothing. haley and i each offered to walk the aisles with him and he grudgingly agreed. half the costumes that haley picked out, todd had worn in a previous year. and the other half, he shrugged at, 'maybe...'

until she joked, 'you should go as a cheerleader! put your hair in pig-tails and go as a girl!' and todd immediately perked up and said, 'i'll do it! that's what i want!'

whew.. lots of options for that idea, at least. of course, he chose the most expensive one. (haley was helping him, after all. and we all know that libras have the most expensive taste. yes, the most.) but oh my goodness, it's so perfect.

if it weren't for his bony knees and hairy legs, he may have parents thinking he's the one not in costume!

the day after we bought the costume todd and i got to spend a lot of time together, alone. and he told me that he's more comfortable around gay people than straight people. adults at least. he's tuned up his gaydar and is constantly demonstrating it to me.

earlier this year he hesitated about including that his mom is gay in his autobiography for english class. when the teacher gave him a perfect grade and asked if she could hang it in the hallway, i asked him what he had decided. he said, 'i put it in there. i'm not worried about it. i want her to put it up.' he says his friends all know anyway and they don't care.

and so, halloween night.. my 12 year old son is dressing up in a pink and white cheerleader uniform and delivering a little token of atlanta's pride celebration to the remote suburbs of dacula.

i couldn't be prouder.

d: open doors and candy bowls for my sweet son.
b: we have an open and accepting home.
g: todd's open mind and open expression.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

waking

today i made my debut at the sleep center and met a hilarious, older south african doctor. it must be fun to wake people up, as he was well past the age of retirement, but obviously enjoys what's doing enough to stick around.

and let me tell you, i'm wide awake today. after answering no less than a dozen pages of questions about my sleep and wakefulness and a lengthy conversation, dr. south-africa diagnosed me with narcolepsy. it seems that what i'd deemed as poor management of my carb balance or a constant punishment for sleeping 6 or 7 hours instead of 8 really turns out to be something clinical.

i'm queued up for a sleep study, where i get to sleep all night and all day for the people behind the glass. i'm not sure how i'll manage to go to bed at 11, hours before my bedtime, and then spend the entire next day taking 20 minute naps. maybe i'll bring a jump rope.

but i digress. today, i'm awake. dr. south-africa gave me samples of a medicine designed for wakefulness. i took half a pill this morning and an hour or so later, i woke up. i mean, really woke up.

[sidenote: this medicine is not an amphetamine or ghb. those are second and third-line treatment options and clearly i'm on my first.]

it feels sort of like too much coffee, though no racing heart. and sort of like coke, though i've had a side-effect headache, so it's decidedly less blissful. i felt like talking a lot - more than usual, if you can believe that; and i had lots of energy to get things done. so, sort of like an amphetamine but without the perk of appetite suppression?

but the best bit of all is that on my commute home.. without the benefit of great music or my cell phone, i was wide awake. i found myself noticing things that i don't usually. like the other cars. new businesses. billboards. (who is the cake boss anyway? a new tv show?) and when i got home, to get ready for the gym, when i'd usually be overcome with sleepiness and need a 15 minute crash; i loaded up clothes for goodwill. (two bags delivered and five more in my car, for the record.)

i remember when i was 12 years old and went to the eye doctor for the first time. after the rigmarole of '1 or 2?', '3 or 4?', 'better here.. or here?', i remember the shock i felt when the doctor moved the lenses away and said 'this is how you've been seeing things'.

'and this is how you'll see them now.'

i've had a similar sensation today. i can't really imagine what it will be like to be awake all the time. lifting the veil of continual sleepiness. removing the need to occupy my hands, eyes and mouth at all times to stay awake. having the ability to sit still and just be. but today i got a glimpse of it.

i've been reading a couple of books about the mind-body connection and diseases as expressions of what's happening in our psyches. it makes me wonder why this is in my body. why am i suddenly sleeping? when did it start and from what was i escaping? a characteristic of narcolepsy that i have experienced is immediate vivid dreams. often before i'm fully asleep or fully awake. why are these dreams penetrating my waking hours? why are they so close to the surface?

and so on.

i briefly took anxiety medicine a number of years ago. and at a couple of intervals in my life i've taken preventative headache medicine to mitigate daily tension headaches. in both of those cases i identified inner medicine for the pains and let the prescriptions fall by the wayside.

so for the time being, i'm going to try this wakefulness medicine. i'm going to take advantage of my new awareness. i'm going to focus my attention on what it is i'm trying to sleep through. and when i identify that, i will be awake without dr. south-africa's interventions. of that i am certain.

d: wakeful attention on my intentions.
b: i have the power to heal this.
g: i'm awake.

Monday, October 26, 2009

promised

well, i survived the 24 hour pee collection. and i think it was probably the driest 24 hours of my life. every sip of water was carefully considered. and though i spent about half my day away from home, i did not grace the restroom of any destination - which included the gym, the farmer's market, a tennis court and some stops in between - because this seemed a procedure best conducted in the privacy of my home bathroom. i fully expect the cortisol test to come back fine and the doctor to be primarily concerned with my water intake.

but anyway, tonight i'm sitting on my couch in varying degrees of undress and costume-dress while haley sews and repairs and revamps our halloween cos
tumes and a stack of jeans that needed hemming. and i really can't think of a single burning desire to write about.

today at costco, i found cesar millan's new book on puppies. it's called 'how to raise the perfect dog', which i definitely have, so i thought i'd better study up. speaking of which, my perfect puppy missed me so much while i was in the grocery store for 20 minutes that when i returned to her and luke in the car, she climbed me like a ladder and perched on my shoulder for the ride home.

haley and i had a heart to heart today in which i promised her i'd stop using my cell phone's computer and texting capacity when my car is in motion. despite my protests that it's the only thing keeping me awake, her arguments about the inherent danger of driving all the way home and admitting i never really saw the road won out. she said, 'find something else to keep you awake.'

i think this will do it.

d: a parrot costume for mega's mega-ween.
b: i keep my promises.. which means...
g: i'll be much safer in traffic, from here on out. (and slower to respond to emails. sorry in advance.)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

patience

so i read a book about metabolism and the hormones that control it. and then i started wondering if my acknowledged whacked out hormones have been impacting my metabolism as well.. and so, i figured while i'm still in the category of cobra-insured, i'd make an appointment with an endocrinologist and see what i can learn about my body.

i'm very healthy, i know that. it's something i can put in all three categories of dbg in fact. so, though i have some reasons for being curious about what's going on, i don't have any significant issues to correct. or none that affect my life on a daily basis, at least. but in the endless pursuit of knowledge, i happily handed over 8 vials of blood from my left arm.

and then they handed me a red biohazard jug. and informed me they wanted a 24-hour sample of urine.

umm. ok. just when i thought this process would be most difficult in the waiting. because truly, waiting is one of the hardest things for me.

last night when i was refreshing on the law of attraction, i was reminded that waiting periods are really allowing periods. allowing the universe to manifest that which my attention is focused on and allowing it to come to me in ways i'm too narrow to imagine myself.

so, while my test results from the endocrinologist are low on the list of things i'm allowing as i don't expect much; there are other things that are weighing heavily on me these days. things i desire and am impatient for.

i will allow these desires to come to me. i will expect these desires to manifest. i will center myself in abundance and receive.

and next time i will think twice about medical exploration when a take-home lab test is involved.

d: patience and positivity in my allowing.
b: i'm a master manifester.
g: and i'm an infrequent urinator.

Friday, October 23, 2009

possibility

newsflash: i found my perfume! lost-tally is down to 1 item. that's right - only 1 item. and i'm quite certain, well, sort of certain, that it will still turn up. (though as the smallest item.. and one that went missing when i was doing back to back traveling, the odds are slimmer, i do admit.)

anything is possible.

today a drain set down on top of my energy and eventually haley's too. i tried not to be too burdened by figuring it out, i just observed it.. and it abated. or perhaps it relocated from me to her. it was quite nearly visible though and i wanted to stick a wad of silly putty in the end of the siphon, but couldn't get my hands on an egg big enough.

sometimes it seems that despite our best efforts at attracting that which we want and need... we just get the opposite. i pulled a favorite book, the law of attraction, out from under a stack of others and i'm going to speed-reread it. i think i need a crash course this weekend because my patience has been sucked down the aforementioned drain and if the universe really does love speed, now is the time to show me.

anything is possible.

tonight i cleaned out my closet. a pile of clothes the size of a small recliner is sitting in my bathroom floor, waiting to go to goodwill. this time i'm really taking it. and i suppose on the way to the car, i should pick up the three (or maybe more?) industrial size trashbags of give-away clothes in the closet under the stairs. too often my clean-outs simply result in a relocation.

maybe that's what happened today. energy is contagious. so it makes sense that the evaporation of it would be too. or maybe the low pressure system that's descended on atlanta is having a similar effect on us.

anything is possible.

today at the gym we decided to switch up an exercise.. use a barbell instead of two dumbbells. haley reached for the 40 and i picked up the 30. (less than we'd usually use, but we were gauging the difference before increasing, right?) after completing a set of walking lunges that felt like a mile each way, we opted for dumbbells.

haley put her bar up. and i stood there looking at the rack and wondering how the hell i'd get the bar off my shoulders. i'd had a hard enough time getting it up there. of course, haley rescued me and when she put it on the rack she said, 'how much was that bar?' i replied, '30 pounds.' and she said, 'uh no..' and checked the label on the end... 'it's 60!' the weight sticker was missing from the end i looked at and the weight was misplaced in the 30 slot. haley said, 'that shows you how much of it is mind over matter, i guess.' tonight my legs feel like cement.

anything is possible.

i've picked up a lot of bars that i thought were 30 but turned out to be 60, when i really think about it. nothing is quite as you expect it to be and when you drop that weight off, you're often surprised to see how heavy it really was.

d: attachment to the possibilities.
b: i can carry more than i think i can.
g: lost-tally nearly to zero!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

nap

today my phone rang and it was enterprise. not the enterprise, but enterprise, the car rental people. to my utter amazement a full 5 days after i returned my econo-box rental they called and said they found my workout journal. i'd called to ask if it was, by chance, in a garbage can there, on monday. i had little hope that a spiral bound index card notepad would warrant the lost and found, but i gave it a shot. they didn't have it. until today. simply amazing. i don't often name names but i have to give credit where credit's due and those folks at enterprise in duluth are due.

now the lost-tally is down to my precious earrings and my favorite perfume. i'm still holding out hope on both items.

but that's not really what i want to write about.

today i saw a doctor that suggested i may have narcolepsy. i'm off to the sleep center next week for a consultation. i think i laughed out loud when he brought it up and said something like, 'oh, i just figured that happened because of too many carbs at lunch or something..' but maybe not.

here i was thinking that my ability to fall asleep before the plane is fully boarded or before the credits roll or before i am fully home was a special super-power. but maybe not.

i'm not sure if it relates to my forgetfulness. in fact, i'm fairly certain it doesn't, as i've been dozing off at any available minute for at least the past 10 years and forgetting things for only the past 10 weeks. but regardless, it is something amusing to consider. i told the doctor i wasn't keen on taking medication for it, even if it qualify for the diagnosis. but i will take any special napping provisions i can get for work. oh yes, sign me up for those.

before i moved into the office building i currently work out of, our offices had a 'quiet room' with a recliner and dim lights. i made a daily, and sometimes multiple daily, visits there to take naps. not that i wasn't resting at night, but those catnaps were essential.

when i moved to the new building, i was tremendously disappointed to find no quiet room. however, we do have a supply closet. with a key lock. and only one key. so i figured if i went in, with the key, and napped on the floor, nobody could come in and wake me. sorry, there's no punchline. it did work. although i must say the office floor is a far cry from a recliner.

so, yes, sign me up for the special sleep provisions. but no thanks to the amphetamines or the ghb. (yes, both are lines of treatment for narcolepsy. go figure, there's a rave at the sleep center. vicki is spinning. who knew??)

d: take the lost-tally down to zero.
b: insomnia isn't in my vocabulary.
g: working at home allows for naps as needed.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

panic

so, by now i think i should be fairly used to this new way of life where i can't find shit or remember shit. but i'm not. or maybe i expected it to pass when my hormones swang back the other way. sadly, that hasn't been the case.

most recent losses are the perfume i wear every day - and never move off my dresser. and a notebook i very carefully transcribed my workouts into, just last week. and then the next day - gone.

poof.

vanished.

maybe it's in the rental car i drove while my mustang was being drained? maybe it's in the vortex that's eaten the rest of my things over the past couple of months? i've even contemplated if the boys had the cahoonas to try and orchestrate this grand staging of my memory loss. (i decided they don't. or even if they did, they haven't, because they aren't getting enough - or maybe any - glee from my misery.)

and then i had a slight reprieve from the losses. (only two things in a week, that's a reprieve by my standards.) but every time i found myself sitting in traffic, my gas gauge would be resting on E. every time.

there are three things that immediately set off my panic button:

1. losing things
2. rushing to beat a clock
3. my gas gauge on E*

when those three things occur together they create the perfect storm. (and that's happened many times lately.) but any one of them can send me off the deep end, never mind combining them.

so, for the past month or more i've found myself living in this state of panic and it's exhausting me.

i don't know what to learn from it. i don't know what to do to resolve it. (i did fill my gas tank this evening, before the light came on. so maybe that's a start?)

i just don't know.

d: my brain back. please?
b: though the devil is in the details, the big picture is feeling very good.
g: i fall asleep easily.

*background note: this is a new addition to my panic list, added when i got my current vehicle. prior to this car, i was pretty comfortable running the tank until the red arrow was a centimeter or so below E. but i learned in the first month i owned this car that i don't have that luxury. the arrow hits E and i'll be on the side of the road. there's no reserve. not even a hair past the line.

Friday, October 16, 2009

megaween

it's two weeks till halloween, which coincidentally is pride weekend here in atlanta. with that in mind, haley and i are hard at work constructing (read: brainstorming) the perfect costumes. because we will be in attendance at the "it" parties of the weekend. (wherever they may be. i'm sure our invitations are in the mail, i'm sure of it.)

and considering how much deliberation goes into any outfits we put together, you must understand the import of an event like halloween and pride on the same night!

mega on the other hand is wearing her new fall wardrobe with pride, including a cape.

d: a costume as amazing as my company.
b: my costume will be homemade!
g: a four day, fall weekend with haley off work, a huge festival AND halloween: megaween!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

flood

so, yes, it's officially the rainy season here in atlanta. we're on what, our third continuous week of rain? something like that. and while my car is professionally dried out, to the tune of $1000 give or take, i just noticed a leak in luke's bedroom ceiling.

when it rains, it pours? cliche, but umm...

yesterday i had one of those days.. i failed at every role in my life. truly. homeowner, carowner, mother, trainer, trainee, girlfriend, writer, budgeter, contractor and general coping skills, as well. haley pointed out that i was doing fine with pet-owner. (what a relief.)

but after that little joke, she said something that really rang true. (because i wasn't even buying the pet-owner success since my cats act so neglected when i see them) she said, 'so what?'

and i like that. i have plenty of days where i feel on top of the world. where everything is falling in line and basically i rock. so why can't i have a day where i suck? sometimes things just don't fit together and that should be ok too.

i can blame it on hormones, and that sort of makes it bearable, but then again when i'm having a full blown panic in my car because the gas gauge is on E, there are no stations to be seen, and i'm in gridlock for two hours straight - the 'reason' doesn't abate the hysteria.

but that was yesterday. and today i'm ok. i'm driving a tiny econo-box until my car is de-molded. and i'm putting the roof leak in the 'deal with it in the springtime' category, provided the monsoons roll on out of here as predicted. and i think that in most other categories i'm on the positive side of middle today.

or at least on the way up. after all, the sun is coming out tomorrow and sticking around through the weekend. at which point i'll have my car back. a new fall scarf.

and the top down.

d: sun, shine down on me.
b: i still love having a convertible and plan to keep it after it's paid for, provided the floorboard doesn't rust out.
g: on the other side of the flood, emotionally at least.

Monday, October 12, 2009

motherload

so, remember when i wrote that my forgetfulness didn't cost me my car yet? and how grateful i was for that? well, umm...

this morning i was cuddled up with mega, deep under my comforter and blanket listening to the rain.. mostly asleep. i was semi-planning my morning, thinking it's going to rain all week and i needed to go get a taillight fixed and that i'd check petsmart for a rain coat for mega, because she really hates the rain. really. and then..

OH MY GOD

i jumped out of bed, grabbed my robe and frantically ran around downstairs, without glasses or contacts, searching by feel for my car keys. ran out the front door. and was greeted by 4", and that's a conservative estimate, of rainwater in the floorboard of my car.

yes, i left the top down. (mistake number 1) and i left it in the drive-way. (mistake number 2) of course neither would be a mistake without the other.. but... alas.. i hit the mother load of convertible mishaps.

so today i tried everything i could think of to remove the monsoon that hit my car. i bailed, yes bailed, out umpteen buckets of water.. and then shop-vac'ed another 5 gallons or so. and then i drove around and when the water moved, i did it all again.

my favorite part though is the leather seats. they may appear watertight. oh yes, 'they clean up well' the salesman says. but what he leaves out is how they trap water like a whoopee cushion. it goes in and leaves not a trace, but oh the embarrassing wet spot when it comes out.

sigh

i've left it with a fan on it and a prayer that i'll wake up tomorrow and it will be only monday morning. my car dry and unflooded in the garage.

d: my "mold-tang" to be simply a dream
b: my sense of humor was not flooded with my car
g: it's fully operational - even the stereo. whew...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

mail

sometimes i try to remember before we had instant written communication, such as e-mail and text messaging. never mind my first office jobs where the fax machine was the most critical piece of equipment and i left with black fingertips from sheets of carbon paper, never mind those memories - i'm referring to personal communication.

i do remember my first cell phone, but i don't remember my first text. (the two were far, far apart.) and i do remember my first email account; it's the one that daily receives over a hundred spam items, still to this day. (not the one i use for personal communication, obviously.)

even after i opened that account though, in '93 i think, i was a letter writer. a paper and pencil type of letter writer. i wrote letters that covered sheets and sheets of notebook paper - (stationary size sheets are a joke) - front and back. and i wrote them weekly to my best friend from college, when i left montreat. the volumes that they could fill are boggling; and probably quite tedious, but the stamps were always carefully selected and the words laboriously chosen.

the transition from paper to email never really worked for me. though i use email for personal communication, it's never felt truly personal and as such, i've only rarely used it in a significant way. and those intervals were short lived.

so, predictably the transition from a long-hand paper letter writing to text messaging of 160 characters or less (as the early phones stipulated) was painful and nearly impossible for me. think of john irving suddenly restricted to haiku. yep. and i simply didn't do it much until that restriction loosened.

i remember the glee i felt when phones could send your lengthy text in multiple messages - finally i could get a whole thought out! of course, the order in which the text fragments arrived was anybody's guess. but i didn't mind that as i do love a good puzzle. i'd try to limit myself to a two, or at worst three, part message.

and that brings me to now.. when i can type on ad infinitum and my iphone won't tell me to stop or inform me of how many messages it's turning into. and frankly i don't care.. i've abandoned all the handy text shorthand i've accumulated over the years (and where i try to use it, the iphone's 'brain' converts it to a word. occasionally the one i want.) and i've come to rely on text messaging as my primary form of communication with some people.

but although i've surrendered my pencil and paper and accepted electronic communication's place in my life, i find myself nostalgic for long-hand at times. i find myself missing the texture of paper and the hand writing study and the smell of where it came from and where it passed through... and quite simply i find myself missing the expression it permitted and contained.

but.. maybe there's a silver lining. i am sure there is. environmentally friendly. that's it. and think of all the time i've freed up. those multi-page handwritten letters took hours. and blogging - there's a writing advent of the 21st century.

tonight i'm nostalgic for sharpened pencils; but as i look around my house i see more computers than pointed lead.. and more cell phones than envelopes. and still i write. still i am long-hand in a shorthand world.

d: a letter in the mail
b: i'll write back, i promise!
g: though the medium evolves, words remain steady.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one.

-imagine by john lennon


'imagine' has always been one of my favorite songs.. or at least since i was a teen when i swiped some beatles albums from my dad. i remember going to see a beatles cover band and thinking they hung the moon.

before i fell in love with 'imagine' my favorite inherited music from mom or dad's collection was 'you're no good' by linda ronstadt. i picked that one because it had a little red heart on the spine of the album cover.


the juxtaposition of those two songs in the music biography of my life is curious, i admit. i think 'imagine' was an upgrade though, at least in messaging.

speaking of musical retrospectives, tonight todd and i went to see 'fame'. i must be hormonal because i was teary-eyed from opening credits to closing credits. and although i'm going to credit my dreamer status; really, there's no other logical justification.

i am a dreamer. and when i dream, i attach my heart to it. it's more than a mind-wandering type of moment for me.. i can totally leave my current reality when i'm lost in a dream. (i know it sounds like denial.. but really this is the glass-half-full way to look at it.)

but then i have moments where reality crashes in and i have to refocus myself. (on the dream, i mean.) and 'fame' was a bit like that too, i guess.

dreamers dreaming, dreamers crashing, dreamers dreaming again.

sign me up, i have the imagination to support it.

d: living the dream.
b: living the dream!
g: living the dream...

Friday, October 9, 2009

swimming

tonight i turned over an old pill bottle labeled as muscle relaxers and found two different types of pills in the bottom. one was labeled as an over-the-counter pill and the other was presumably the original prescription. it was cut in half (maybe i only took half last time?) but there were two halves left. since i've totally whacked my back this week, i figured 'what the hell' and took both halves. unfortunately, i've whittled my pain med supply down to nothing more than midol, so now i'm loose as a goose and still in crazy pain.

back pain is the worst in my opinion. nothing happens that you don't feel it. no movement, no breath, no position sitting or laying. and to make matters worse, i can't identify a single cause.. more like a cumulative effect of several things i suppose. oh well. all that to say, writing on (a double dose?) of muscle relaxers is its own special challenge.

bouncing from one thought to another, i can't settle on just one to write about. rather than fight it, i'll just babble on. today felt like two days in one. first a day spent with todd. and then a day (evening?) spent with luke. it's a gift to have so much of this long weekend with the boys individually, owing to their emerging social lives, and rather than doubly exhausting, i'm finding it doubly fun.

tonight luke ate twice as much food as i did. he has the appetite of a person twice his age. and then he told me that even when he's an adult he wants to sleep in a bunk bed. he is still only 10 after all.

he and i cleaned his room. and i do mean cleaned. it was a tribute to the local landfill in there, the floor entirely buried and collections upon collections piled on every surface. i want to rearrange and redecorate it; but probably best done when he's away. he loves the bunk beds turned loft - with desks and book cases below.. and i'm thinking of doing it myself to his current set. remove the fourth side from the bottom bunk and ta-da! loft! (better wait till the muscle relaxers wear off to make that decision.)

yesterday i bought a scratch off lottery ticket. my first one in a couple of weeks for no reason in particular. won $50. bought two mega millions tickets too. standing by for the drawing. i'm the luckiest person i know. i have high hopes.

i have the fan in my room turned on high, because i refuse to close all the windows in the house when it's supposed to drop to 60 tonight. but, for the record, it's hot in here. i'm stumped by this weather. i thought fall was here... i even let haley talk me into a hoodie for mega (i know, i know.) and now it's too hot to wear it.

oh wow.. i need to go to bed. head is swimming and back is perhaps even worse - i blame the soft couch.

d: pain free when i wake
b: i'm lucky, lucky, lucky.
g: double time with the boys was doubly fulfilling