today i signed separation papers, a severance letter, and an independent contractor contract. i packed up all my things in my car, hugged a few people bye, and drove away from my corporate job. officially self-employed.
some time last year i heard a story of a man who progressed through his career and rather than asking for pay raises, he asked to work fewer hours for the same pay. i don't know the details but i imagine he'd reached a comfortable salary and decided he'd rather have freedom over dollar signs. when i heard that snippet, i loved it. i wasn't at a place where i made enough money to say, 'oh sure, keep your raise and let me work less.' but i could relate to where the man was coming from. it's been in the back of my head since then.
and now, i've manifested that situation for myself. without even really being very deliberate about it. i set myself up to manifest a better job. more freedom. more money. more this and more that. and when it all came out in the wash, i'll be working half as many hours and making the same amount of money. add to that i'm getting lots of other things on my list and i feel like the cat who got the canary.
so, i sit now and wonder about the things that i'm cooking on back burners. i want to be very deliberate about those pots i'm simmering there. while i'm focusing my manifesting energy on the hot, hot grill there are things cooking that i've set in place and let go.
this is where i give my fantastic nature credit again though. while there are plenty of negative things that cross my path and plenty of things i could worry and fear; i give them no energy. i dismiss and release immediately as though they are either impossible or fantastic themselves.
and instead, i let my mind wander leisurely through pastures of fantasy.. across sand dunes of discovery.. and millions of lives i have yet to live. and when fantastic ideas such as working less and making the same or more money are offered up, i latch on to that like a dog with a bone. burying it in the yard and hoping it will grow a bone-tree.
i had a favorite book when i was a child called Stone Soup. it was about three soldiers who come through a town and ask the townspeople for something to eat.. and they are given nothing. so they say, 'oh well, we'll have to make stone soup..' and they ask for a pot, some stones, and water. and they start boiling it up. as it cooks they keep asking for additional ingredients and by the end they have a huge pot of hearty soup. (the selfish villagers are also apparently idiots because they say something like, 'oh and all that from stones!')
today one of my back burners served up a big pot of stone soup.. more than i'd ever hoped for. and for that, i am grateful.
d: stone soup from the other back burner.
b: i had a healthy, delicious stone in that pot.
g: my fantastic nature keeps the dirty, stinky stones out of my soup.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
thursdate
today haley and i planned to spend the day together.. we had a million things we wanted to do and of course not enough time to do them all. she'll be out of town this weekend, leaving in the morning and returning monday evening. the boys are with their father, so it's going to be me and mega painting the town red.
she's sleeping under my left arm in eager anticipation. i'm cleaning the house in preparation.
it's been a long time since i've had a weekend home alone. home without the boys and without haley. and my home needs me here. my flower beds are begging for my attention. (or my neighbors are begging for my attention on them, is what i meant to say.) the boys' closets need refreshing for fall.
(oh and it's tax free weekend! shopping! there's shopping to be done!)
yes, i'm nesting in preparation for a weekend with myself and my mega-puppy; and decompressing after a very rushed day. in our attempt to do all the things we love to do together, and the couple things we 'needed' to do, we didn't leave ourselves enough time to breathe. and by the time i walked into the boys' day camp to pick them up, five minutes before the closing bell, i felt like i'd run a marathon. (yet without the elation you must feel when you cross that finish line.)
but a day together is still a wonder to me. even what would be an ordinary thursday to most people feels like a date with her... though we spend most days together, at least a part of every day, each one is different and distinct. and i marvel at the diversity in our time together. and the passion in even the smallest exchanges.
and now it is night.. a storm is thundering outside and i'm readying for a weekend here and she's reading for a weekend away. and yet i know, our thursdate isn't over.
she'll be here soon. i can't wait.
d: let the storm rage on.
b: i'll have a clean house for the weekend.
g: tax-free weekend and flower beds to plant.
she's sleeping under my left arm in eager anticipation. i'm cleaning the house in preparation.
it's been a long time since i've had a weekend home alone. home without the boys and without haley. and my home needs me here. my flower beds are begging for my attention. (or my neighbors are begging for my attention on them, is what i meant to say.) the boys' closets need refreshing for fall.
(oh and it's tax free weekend! shopping! there's shopping to be done!)
yes, i'm nesting in preparation for a weekend with myself and my mega-puppy; and decompressing after a very rushed day. in our attempt to do all the things we love to do together, and the couple things we 'needed' to do, we didn't leave ourselves enough time to breathe. and by the time i walked into the boys' day camp to pick them up, five minutes before the closing bell, i felt like i'd run a marathon. (yet without the elation you must feel when you cross that finish line.)
but a day together is still a wonder to me. even what would be an ordinary thursday to most people feels like a date with her... though we spend most days together, at least a part of every day, each one is different and distinct. and i marvel at the diversity in our time together. and the passion in even the smallest exchanges.
and now it is night.. a storm is thundering outside and i'm readying for a weekend here and she's reading for a weekend away. and yet i know, our thursdate isn't over.
she'll be here soon. i can't wait.
d: let the storm rage on.
b: i'll have a clean house for the weekend.
g: tax-free weekend and flower beds to plant.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
miracles
there's no room in my life for skeptics, and this is why...
it's a yarn ball of manifesting miracles, truly. i started manifesting my very own cavalier puppy back in january when i first spotted one at park tavern, having brunch with amy. that was before haley and i met and though i decided on that day that one day i'd have a cav, i didn't believe at that time it would happen in the near future. i just didn't see a way to have a dog.. not in my home, not in my job, not in my lifestyle. and so on. but my heart was sold.
set that aside.
enter stage right: haley.
our story unfolds.. it's been well told here, story and verse.. and over the course of our love story we recognized our tremendous luck. and manifesting energy.
and so a couple of months ago we decided that we're going to manifest the mega million lottery jackpot. we started buying a couple of tickets a week. and the occasional scratch off. i'd never played the lottery before. but we were on to something because more often than not, we would win. on the scratch offs at least. definitely - we're up.
set that aside.
circle back to the cavalier i was manifesting. first, haley had two small dogs.. and a schedule that was inconveniently opposite mine. inconvenient in most ways, except convenient in the way that she could help with puppy daycare when needed and loves dogs. and i mean, really loves them. (so much in fact, i'm afraid at times she may smother mega with her kisses, but i digress...) and suddenly things were becoming possible.
and then in the divine way that things usually happen when you're manifesting and trusting... i kept 'running into' cavaliers and cavalier people. and then i met god. or rather, zeus. and his owner. who had gotten zeus from betsy, a cavalier breeder that i hit it off with immediately.
we started talking.. still no definite plan to get a puppy. still had a 9-5 job, still didn't know how i'd afford it, still needed to win the megamillion to make it feasible.
she had a litter that was practically newborn. after we talked a while she sent me pictures. on the pictures, she'd written the baby-names she was using. one was "milla" and the other "nori". hmm, quite nearly "millionaire" when they were side by side on the photo. at least to my manifesting eyes. i thought maybe, just maybe, this was a god-wink that she was the right puppy for me.
everything fell into place perfectly.. and my sweet baby cav came home a week and a half ago now. we named her Megaball Milla, formally, but she's going by Mega.
tonight, we played the mega millions lottery and matched on the megaball for the first time.
and three other numbers.
we're up big now.
yes, you can manifest anything you want.
d: megaball + 5.
b: i believed.
g: i received.
it's a yarn ball of manifesting miracles, truly. i started manifesting my very own cavalier puppy back in january when i first spotted one at park tavern, having brunch with amy. that was before haley and i met and though i decided on that day that one day i'd have a cav, i didn't believe at that time it would happen in the near future. i just didn't see a way to have a dog.. not in my home, not in my job, not in my lifestyle. and so on. but my heart was sold.
set that aside.
enter stage right: haley.
our story unfolds.. it's been well told here, story and verse.. and over the course of our love story we recognized our tremendous luck. and manifesting energy.
and so a couple of months ago we decided that we're going to manifest the mega million lottery jackpot. we started buying a couple of tickets a week. and the occasional scratch off. i'd never played the lottery before. but we were on to something because more often than not, we would win. on the scratch offs at least. definitely - we're up.
set that aside.
circle back to the cavalier i was manifesting. first, haley had two small dogs.. and a schedule that was inconveniently opposite mine. inconvenient in most ways, except convenient in the way that she could help with puppy daycare when needed and loves dogs. and i mean, really loves them. (so much in fact, i'm afraid at times she may smother mega with her kisses, but i digress...) and suddenly things were becoming possible.
and then in the divine way that things usually happen when you're manifesting and trusting... i kept 'running into' cavaliers and cavalier people. and then i met god. or rather, zeus. and his owner. who had gotten zeus from betsy, a cavalier breeder that i hit it off with immediately.
we started talking.. still no definite plan to get a puppy. still had a 9-5 job, still didn't know how i'd afford it, still needed to win the megamillion to make it feasible.
she had a litter that was practically newborn. after we talked a while she sent me pictures. on the pictures, she'd written the baby-names she was using. one was "milla" and the other "nori". hmm, quite nearly "millionaire" when they were side by side on the photo. at least to my manifesting eyes. i thought maybe, just maybe, this was a god-wink that she was the right puppy for me.
everything fell into place perfectly.. and my sweet baby cav came home a week and a half ago now. we named her Megaball Milla, formally, but she's going by Mega.
tonight, we played the mega millions lottery and matched on the megaball for the first time.
and three other numbers.
we're up big now.
yes, you can manifest anything you want.
d: megaball + 5.
b: i believed.
g: i received.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
basically
wow, now i'm in overdrive on creativity. i have been introduced to the best thing since sliced bread online. it's so good that i don't want to share it though. a little gold mine i'm holding out on.. for a little longer. (muahahaha!)
at any rate, it's stolen my creative focus and i've been so productive with a project there that i'm trying to complete on deadline that i haven't been back here since last night's burst of mad blogging.
yeah, uh huh. this is what i would call an excuse if one of my boys offered it up.
yeah, mom.. there's this great thing i'm doing.. and it's really neat and very important! umm, no, i can't tell you what it is. umm, no, i haven't done my homework yet. but i will. and then i'll show you this other neat thing. next week. yeah, next week.
so today, my head was clear and my heart was full of joy.. and i went out to hit some tennis balls with haley. i hit balls with her yesterday too, when my head was mud and my heart was not full of joy. and i actually hit them pretty well. so today, i expected to do even better.
i was grossly mistaken. perhaps it was because yesterday i was so keenly focused on bounce-hit to keep at bay the lurking fears or perhaps it was because today i was so distracted by the other happy ideas and conversations i wanted to have, or perhaps it was both. regardless; today was much more difficult on the court.
either i was too close or too far. many balls i cleanly missed as though my racket were unstringed altogether. and then others there was no real explanation for. i just was off. a couple of baskets in, things turned around a bit. refocusing on the strings, chanting the bounce-hit mantra; the basics of course.
maybe this is a case where the most obvious lesson is the one i need to hear. maybe the thing i need to take away is a simple refocusing on the basics when either fearfully stuck in the mud or deliriously happy and distracted will improve my game.
and so tonight.. i cooked dinner. and did laundry. and that is all, basically.
d: simplify rather than diversify.
b: i found the coolest thing on the internet. i really did. i just can't tell you yet. (stay tuned. i promise it's worth the wait.)
g: another lesson on the tennis court.
at any rate, it's stolen my creative focus and i've been so productive with a project there that i'm trying to complete on deadline that i haven't been back here since last night's burst of mad blogging.
yeah, uh huh. this is what i would call an excuse if one of my boys offered it up.
yeah, mom.. there's this great thing i'm doing.. and it's really neat and very important! umm, no, i can't tell you what it is. umm, no, i haven't done my homework yet. but i will. and then i'll show you this other neat thing. next week. yeah, next week.
so today, my head was clear and my heart was full of joy.. and i went out to hit some tennis balls with haley. i hit balls with her yesterday too, when my head was mud and my heart was not full of joy. and i actually hit them pretty well. so today, i expected to do even better.
i was grossly mistaken. perhaps it was because yesterday i was so keenly focused on bounce-hit to keep at bay the lurking fears or perhaps it was because today i was so distracted by the other happy ideas and conversations i wanted to have, or perhaps it was both. regardless; today was much more difficult on the court.
either i was too close or too far. many balls i cleanly missed as though my racket were unstringed altogether. and then others there was no real explanation for. i just was off. a couple of baskets in, things turned around a bit. refocusing on the strings, chanting the bounce-hit mantra; the basics of course.
maybe this is a case where the most obvious lesson is the one i need to hear. maybe the thing i need to take away is a simple refocusing on the basics when either fearfully stuck in the mud or deliriously happy and distracted will improve my game.
and so tonight.. i cooked dinner. and did laundry. and that is all, basically.
d: simplify rather than diversify.
b: i found the coolest thing on the internet. i really did. i just can't tell you yet. (stay tuned. i promise it's worth the wait.)
g: another lesson on the tennis court.
Monday, July 27, 2009
nightmares
i've had two or three consecutive nights of dreams about cats. sick cats. one night i dreamed that a redneck in a pick-up truck pulled up in front of my house and said, 'i've got your cat. she's ok.' he was talking about tessie. i looked in the back of his truck, horrified at what might be there, and it was tessie. but she wasn't ok. she was deformed and very ill. she had somehow fought her way out of the earth, buried alive, but barely.
then another night, i dreamed i had adopted a young stray cat. a grey cat, different than any i have had in many years. he seemed healthy but i felt an urgency to get him to the vet for an exam and shots. i was carrying him around and 'about to' take him to the vet and he started to have a seizure and convulse.
that same night, i think, i had a different, separate, dream where i was having a conversation with some vets about their opinion on some medical issue and i did not trust these particular physicians. that one is fuzzy.
i generally hold to the principle that nobody wants to hear about anyone else's dream unless it concerns them, and even then, it has to be a very limited sort of 'concerns'. and very concise. so, i'm breaking my own rule, i admit. go ahead and skip this blog if it behooves you.
i'm living my days falling in love with the most precious little puppy face and i'm spending my nights tortured over the loss of my kitty face. it's heart breaking.
jasper just walked into my bedroom, as if on cue. he and mega are making some inroads to a friendship, i'd like to believe. he's not hissing on sight and she's not barking on sight. i know that tessie would have loved mega.
maybe jasper and mega will bond.. maybe my nightmares will stop. maybe.
d: deep, dreamless, sleep in my crate and mega's.
b: crate training is going superbly!
g: jasper is laying at my feet and mega at my right arm.
then another night, i dreamed i had adopted a young stray cat. a grey cat, different than any i have had in many years. he seemed healthy but i felt an urgency to get him to the vet for an exam and shots. i was carrying him around and 'about to' take him to the vet and he started to have a seizure and convulse.
that same night, i think, i had a different, separate, dream where i was having a conversation with some vets about their opinion on some medical issue and i did not trust these particular physicians. that one is fuzzy.
i generally hold to the principle that nobody wants to hear about anyone else's dream unless it concerns them, and even then, it has to be a very limited sort of 'concerns'. and very concise. so, i'm breaking my own rule, i admit. go ahead and skip this blog if it behooves you.
i'm living my days falling in love with the most precious little puppy face and i'm spending my nights tortured over the loss of my kitty face. it's heart breaking.
jasper just walked into my bedroom, as if on cue. he and mega are making some inroads to a friendship, i'd like to believe. he's not hissing on sight and she's not barking on sight. i know that tessie would have loved mega.
maybe jasper and mega will bond.. maybe my nightmares will stop. maybe.
d: deep, dreamless, sleep in my crate and mega's.
b: crate training is going superbly!
g: jasper is laying at my feet and mega at my right arm.
sidenote
i can honestly say that i haven't ever fallen as far behind on my blog as i am right now. three entries are necessary in order to be caught up and i know you're thinking this one is cheating, right? (just hold on a second.)
i'm not sure if i'm at a creative lull or a productivity lull or just stuck in a puppy lullaby, but whatever it is, i haven't made time to write a priority. tonight, i want to break out of the lull. i want to catch up. i want to tell the stories that are swirling around in my head.
so, tonight i am doing that. this is not a dbg blog. this is a sidenote. it's a promise. it's an IOU. it's me giving you my word that i have ideas. i have emails sitting in my inbox with blog starters (my repository for random thoughts), i have scraps of paper in my purse with scrawled sentence fragments, i have photo inspired words on the tip of my tongue.
and i will catch up. (and yes, i'll backdate the missing blogs. sorry. i can't stand a broken pattern.)
i'm not sure if i'm at a creative lull or a productivity lull or just stuck in a puppy lullaby, but whatever it is, i haven't made time to write a priority. tonight, i want to break out of the lull. i want to catch up. i want to tell the stories that are swirling around in my head.
so, tonight i am doing that. this is not a dbg blog. this is a sidenote. it's a promise. it's an IOU. it's me giving you my word that i have ideas. i have emails sitting in my inbox with blog starters (my repository for random thoughts), i have scraps of paper in my purse with scrawled sentence fragments, i have photo inspired words on the tip of my tongue.
and i will catch up. (and yes, i'll backdate the missing blogs. sorry. i can't stand a broken pattern.)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
open
so today i was packing up my desk and i'm happy to report that seven odd years of stuff neatly fit into one paper box and another two small boxes - none of which are full. and countless trashcans, of course. someone walked up after lunch and said, 'oh wow, have you been working on this for a while?' and i replied, 'no, i just started about 15 minutes ago.'
i was nearly done.
then i went and led the weekly cross functional meeting i birthed into the organization a year and a half ago. it started as a small group of people who actually had to get things done. those of us with the shovels and wheelbarrows for the proverbial shit coming down the proverbial hill. there were 7 of us. we met at a table in my office. now there are upwards of 20 people on the weekly meeting invite and we generate more shit than we shovel. so, when i adjourned the meeting for the last time today, i happily brushed my hands of it and went home.
and an hour later i felt sort of invisible. and nervous.
for all the times i've wanted to be invisible and all the times i've wanted to disappear into the carpet squares; today i left feeling a medley of emotions just under the surface.
relief. freedom. glee. apprehension. anonymity. uncertainty. insecurity. fear.
i haven't ever been quite in this position and while i'm looking very much forward to the next phase, the ambiguity is a little nerve-wracking. i found myself asking haley for a schedule to time we don't ever schedule. i found myself wanting routine around that which is by nature spontaneous. i found myself wanting pattern in places i usually free-style.
because i'm terrified of all this open space and time.
d: keep it open.
b: i am open to what i want.
g: no more shoveling at the bottom of that hill.
i was nearly done.
then i went and led the weekly cross functional meeting i birthed into the organization a year and a half ago. it started as a small group of people who actually had to get things done. those of us with the shovels and wheelbarrows for the proverbial shit coming down the proverbial hill. there were 7 of us. we met at a table in my office. now there are upwards of 20 people on the weekly meeting invite and we generate more shit than we shovel. so, when i adjourned the meeting for the last time today, i happily brushed my hands of it and went home.
and an hour later i felt sort of invisible. and nervous.
for all the times i've wanted to be invisible and all the times i've wanted to disappear into the carpet squares; today i left feeling a medley of emotions just under the surface.
relief. freedom. glee. apprehension. anonymity. uncertainty. insecurity. fear.
i haven't ever been quite in this position and while i'm looking very much forward to the next phase, the ambiguity is a little nerve-wracking. i found myself asking haley for a schedule to time we don't ever schedule. i found myself wanting routine around that which is by nature spontaneous. i found myself wanting pattern in places i usually free-style.
because i'm terrified of all this open space and time.
d: keep it open.
b: i am open to what i want.
g: no more shoveling at the bottom of that hill.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
girlfriend
about a month ago when the boys and i were coming back from visiting my mom we stopped off in tupelo to spend a night. we were having dinner at a restaurant there and luke said to me, with earnestness, "mommy, when do you think i'll have a girlfriend?"
little did i know it would happen a few short weeks later.
friday night the boys came home from a week with their dad and his parents. i had told them i had a surprise and they had guessed everything from our upcoming lottery win to new clothes to cable tv being reinstalled. and when they guessed 'did you get mega?' i didn't miss a beat and lied, 'not yet!'
so, they sat down on the couch and were waiting to hear about this surprise and i think were a bit disappointed that it wasn't immediately visible when they got home. i could see their eyes combing the house for a sign that something was changed. i said, 'i'll be right back.. i left something in the car i want to show you.' and i ducked into the garage.
when i returned from the garage with mega, who was being a quiet little angel in my hands, they had pillows over their faces as though it were christmas morning and santa was hand-delivering a present. 'ok, you can look now..'
"you DID get mega!!!"
"oh my god, she's so cute!!"
"awww...."
and her little tail and butt wiggling like she'd caught a glimpse of her long lost brothers. the three of them immediately bonded with kisses and face licks and puppy breath all around.
about half an hour later luke and i had to leave for his tae-kwon-do belt test and he says to me, "mommy, i just can't stop looking at her, she's so cute."
and an hour or so later, after he's completed his belt test and we're on our way home, in a hurry to get to her...
"mommy, i love her so much, already."
oh, luke.. i know the feeling. i do so know the feeling. that's twice in six months for me.
d: puppy love for luke when the time is right.. and not a minute before.
b: i pulled off a mega-surprise!
g: mega love in my life...everywhere and overflowing
little did i know it would happen a few short weeks later.
friday night the boys came home from a week with their dad and his parents. i had told them i had a surprise and they had guessed everything from our upcoming lottery win to new clothes to cable tv being reinstalled. and when they guessed 'did you get mega?' i didn't miss a beat and lied, 'not yet!'
so, they sat down on the couch and were waiting to hear about this surprise and i think were a bit disappointed that it wasn't immediately visible when they got home. i could see their eyes combing the house for a sign that something was changed. i said, 'i'll be right back.. i left something in the car i want to show you.' and i ducked into the garage.
when i returned from the garage with mega, who was being a quiet little angel in my hands, they had pillows over their faces as though it were christmas morning and santa was hand-delivering a present. 'ok, you can look now..'
"you DID get mega!!!"
"oh my god, she's so cute!!"
"awww...."
and her little tail and butt wiggling like she'd caught a glimpse of her long lost brothers. the three of them immediately bonded with kisses and face licks and puppy breath all around.
about half an hour later luke and i had to leave for his tae-kwon-do belt test and he says to me, "mommy, i just can't stop looking at her, she's so cute."
and an hour or so later, after he's completed his belt test and we're on our way home, in a hurry to get to her...
"mommy, i love her so much, already."
oh, luke.. i know the feeling. i do so know the feeling. that's twice in six months for me.
d: puppy love for luke when the time is right.. and not a minute before.
b: i pulled off a mega-surprise!
g: mega love in my life...everywhere and overflowing
Friday, July 24, 2009
dizzy
even little puppies do that funny circling thing before they find a place to relieve themselves or a place to settle down and sleep; so maybe it's an instinctive thing. whether instinct or learned for my sweet mega-puppy, it's something i'm feeling myself doing.
i went back to my house last night; half unpacked, half settled in.
circling, circling, circling.
today i finished the unpacking. cleaned out the fridge. made a grocery list. and repacked to return to selman street.
circling, circling, circling.
tonight i cooked dinner at haley's. the boys are watching a movie upstairs. mega and oliver are playing chase. and i brought an oversized bag, half empty, to try and fit the rest of my clothes for the return home tomorrow.
circling, circling, circling.
tomorrow...maybe church. brunch. the cupcake factory. and my empty fridge is reminding me it's the perfect canvas for a trip to the farmer's market. but also.. selman street is having a block party from 3-7. and we must get something for the grill. mega has friends to make, after all.
circling, circling, circling.
i do take comfort though in the nature of circles and of course, in the nature of puppies. they always do come to a close. and they always find rest there. and so will i. even if it makes me a little dizzy.
d: the perfect place to settle down and sleep.
b: dizzy is perfectly normal for me.
g: two places i love to circle between.
i went back to my house last night; half unpacked, half settled in.
circling, circling, circling.
today i finished the unpacking. cleaned out the fridge. made a grocery list. and repacked to return to selman street.
circling, circling, circling.
tonight i cooked dinner at haley's. the boys are watching a movie upstairs. mega and oliver are playing chase. and i brought an oversized bag, half empty, to try and fit the rest of my clothes for the return home tomorrow.
circling, circling, circling.
tomorrow...maybe church. brunch. the cupcake factory. and my empty fridge is reminding me it's the perfect canvas for a trip to the farmer's market. but also.. selman street is having a block party from 3-7. and we must get something for the grill. mega has friends to make, after all.
circling, circling, circling.
i do take comfort though in the nature of circles and of course, in the nature of puppies. they always do come to a close. and they always find rest there. and so will i. even if it makes me a little dizzy.
d: the perfect place to settle down and sleep.
b: dizzy is perfectly normal for me.
g: two places i love to circle between.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
100
100 blogs. today marks my 100'th blog. that sounds like a lot and then it doesn't either. it feels like i've written so much more than that. though i've been lax at times about hitting the deadline, i have kept up through the marvels of modern technology. blogger allows the equivalent of backdating a check with the interface.. i can write this blog today and post it a week ago! gotta love that.
speaking of checks... today i decided to go ahead, bite the bullet, and balance my checkbook, so to speak. for most of my life i was pretty compulsive about managing my checking account through quicken and online bill pay. and then the red bars started overtaking the black ones and i decided to quit looking.
haley is always saying that the new agey, metaphysical stuff we believe gives us just enough power to be dangerous.. and i think when it comes to this part of my life she's probably right.
where i can sit on the one hand and manifest abundance and prosperity and attract exactly what i need and feel fully vested in the law of attraction and all that jazz... on the other hand, i can glance at the dollar sign symbol on my desktop, quicken's shortcut, and feel my frequency drop, my mood sink, and fear roll in like the tide.
and then, i remember that if i dwell in that place i'll only attract more of it and so i avoid it. i avoid my bills. and bill collectors. i avoid the process of looking at my cash flow and scheduling things. i avoid the process of reviewing my statements. i avoid all of it.
and instead of feeling bad every time i do those things, i feel that same thing every time i pay for anything. which, incidentally, is more frequent.
this is quite the effective system.
so, i marvel at the miracle of what i've manifested despite myself. somehow i've let enough of the good thoughts out into the universe and kept the negative thoughts at bay to draw in what i need. but i feel a sense that i'm holding myself back from even greater abundance in this area of my life through this behavior pattern. it doesn't feel healthy, so to speak.
i invite a new attitude toward this part of my life. how can i welcome in more money when i am loathe to manage what i have now? i want to rewrite this in my script.
so i'll start here. with my 100th blog, dedicated to reversing a negative pattern, and for a change i won't backdate it. i'll start right now. and i'll start with the G today, because ultimately i think that's where the change takes place.
g: my needs are met with abundance.
b: i balanced my checkbook today and paid my bills.
d: less guilt and less self-criticism; more awareness of what is.
speaking of checks... today i decided to go ahead, bite the bullet, and balance my checkbook, so to speak. for most of my life i was pretty compulsive about managing my checking account through quicken and online bill pay. and then the red bars started overtaking the black ones and i decided to quit looking.
haley is always saying that the new agey, metaphysical stuff we believe gives us just enough power to be dangerous.. and i think when it comes to this part of my life she's probably right.
where i can sit on the one hand and manifest abundance and prosperity and attract exactly what i need and feel fully vested in the law of attraction and all that jazz... on the other hand, i can glance at the dollar sign symbol on my desktop, quicken's shortcut, and feel my frequency drop, my mood sink, and fear roll in like the tide.
and then, i remember that if i dwell in that place i'll only attract more of it and so i avoid it. i avoid my bills. and bill collectors. i avoid the process of looking at my cash flow and scheduling things. i avoid the process of reviewing my statements. i avoid all of it.
and instead of feeling bad every time i do those things, i feel that same thing every time i pay for anything. which, incidentally, is more frequent.
this is quite the effective system.
so, i marvel at the miracle of what i've manifested despite myself. somehow i've let enough of the good thoughts out into the universe and kept the negative thoughts at bay to draw in what i need. but i feel a sense that i'm holding myself back from even greater abundance in this area of my life through this behavior pattern. it doesn't feel healthy, so to speak.
i invite a new attitude toward this part of my life. how can i welcome in more money when i am loathe to manage what i have now? i want to rewrite this in my script.
so i'll start here. with my 100th blog, dedicated to reversing a negative pattern, and for a change i won't backdate it. i'll start right now. and i'll start with the G today, because ultimately i think that's where the change takes place.
g: my needs are met with abundance.
b: i balanced my checkbook today and paid my bills.
d: less guilt and less self-criticism; more awareness of what is.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
reassurance
the summer is only a couple weeks from being over. technically at least, for those of us with school-age kids. we'll be getting registration done in the next week or so and they'll be back to class in a matter of days.
they boys have with their grandparents the past two weeks, too. and though i've enjoyed the spontaneous and unstructured freedom of my summer, i miss them tremendously. even the constraints on time. even the sibling dynamic, to which i can never quite relate. even the juggling of needs and wants. even the logistics of three activity schedules. i miss them.
i can't wait for them to meet mega. i can't wait for todd to start his new school. i can't wait to uncover the new obsession-du-jour for luke.
and yet, i think the drawing of a close to this season is another contributor to my fear. summer is ending. a job is ending.
much is beginning, much. but much is still unknown.
today has been a hard day. it's been a dark day for me. scared and uncertain. wanting for reassurance, where there is little.
(looking for another psychic)
but now dusk is rising. and i'm leaving the house for the first time all day, to meet it. soon the boys will be home, just another night away. their constancy is reassuring.
d: reassurances.
b: in darkness, i am writing.
g: schedule and routine coming soon to a home near me.
they boys have with their grandparents the past two weeks, too. and though i've enjoyed the spontaneous and unstructured freedom of my summer, i miss them tremendously. even the constraints on time. even the sibling dynamic, to which i can never quite relate. even the juggling of needs and wants. even the logistics of three activity schedules. i miss them.
i can't wait for them to meet mega. i can't wait for todd to start his new school. i can't wait to uncover the new obsession-du-jour for luke.
and yet, i think the drawing of a close to this season is another contributor to my fear. summer is ending. a job is ending.
much is beginning, much. but much is still unknown.
today has been a hard day. it's been a dark day for me. scared and uncertain. wanting for reassurance, where there is little.
(looking for another psychic)
but now dusk is rising. and i'm leaving the house for the first time all day, to meet it. soon the boys will be home, just another night away. their constancy is reassuring.
d: reassurances.
b: in darkness, i am writing.
g: schedule and routine coming soon to a home near me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
precipice
i keep finding myself in a pattern of having to write two blogs in a day to catch up and i can't figure out what that's about. there have been times over the past few months of blogging where i was so overwhelmed with ideas that i was writing several a day, even holding some for the future. but today that's not the case.
overwhelmed, yes.
with ideas, no.
i'm not much of a list maker. though i do like the satisfaction of crossing things off, i rarely take the time to write them out. but the past couple of days i've been writing lists. writing lists and then turning a page and writing a new one.
and crossing nothing off.
and i think i probably should. either in completion or deletion. but instead i'm getting behind on my blogging, making little progress on my book, and only tentative progress on anything else either.
paralyzed on the precipice of change, i'm afraid that one wrong step and the whole thing will come crumbling down. everything feels so right, so perfect, so what i asked for; and yet i'm holding my breath, afraid to exhale.
what if a dream come true is more like a cloud? once attention is paid to it, it simply disappears into thin air?
what if?
d: firm footing at the precipice
b: i have a dream..
g: ..come true.
overwhelmed, yes.
with ideas, no.
i'm not much of a list maker. though i do like the satisfaction of crossing things off, i rarely take the time to write them out. but the past couple of days i've been writing lists. writing lists and then turning a page and writing a new one.
and crossing nothing off.
and i think i probably should. either in completion or deletion. but instead i'm getting behind on my blogging, making little progress on my book, and only tentative progress on anything else either.
paralyzed on the precipice of change, i'm afraid that one wrong step and the whole thing will come crumbling down. everything feels so right, so perfect, so what i asked for; and yet i'm holding my breath, afraid to exhale.
what if a dream come true is more like a cloud? once attention is paid to it, it simply disappears into thin air?
what if?
d: firm footing at the precipice
b: i have a dream..
g: ..come true.
Monday, July 20, 2009
vacation
it feels like i've been on vacation since june 26th. it's now july 20th, so that's nearly a month. it feels good. damn good. of course, there have been days i've been at work. and i've had lots of productivity - and very few days of pure leisure - i always have a full agenda and very little sleep, it seems. but the past month has been absolutely amazing.
i could definitely live like this all the time. and in fact, i think i will. many people do and i want to. a life of doing exactly what i want. productivity pointed in the direction of my pleasures, rather than the direction of necessity.
tonight, i can't stop looking at this picture of haley and me, from florida. though we have many other photos of us together, beautiful professional artistic photos that i love, this one strikes me in its raw, unedited purity.
i see a truth there about us. the truth that gives my visions energy and a truth that raises my frequency to a level that can attract the life of vacation i desire for us.
that truth is love.
d: a beach home for my vacation life
b: i have claimed a life pursuing my pleasures.
g: the truth i see in the photo is there to be seen...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
pass
i keep meeting the characters in my book. and i don't mean basing characters off of people i've met, although of course, i'm doing that too, at least in small ways. no, i mean literally meeting people or getting something in my email about someone that very much resembles a character i've written about in my book. from an unusual animal breed to a person with the same name and personality traits as someone i've written about.
i'm not sure that really means anything, maybe it's a godwink. but it feels more like a hand on my shoulder.
i fell off my word-quota toward the end of last week with all the puppy-prep. shopping, reading, planning, obsessing - it's quite time consuming. then the weekend was spent pampering sweet mega and i'm just now getting caught up on my blogging, let alone thinking about my novel.
when i first fell behind on the quota, i started my typical self-criticism and guilt. (which, by the way, is not very conducive to creative writing.) and then, i decided to give myself a pass for the week.
cliche aside, it's not every day that i get a new puppy. in fact, i've never gotten a new puppy. never ever. and i wanted to enjoy every minute of the planning and these first few days and weeks with her. without guilt for not writing enough.
and i have.
and so when these small incidents have happened over the past few days, rather than feeling guilty about not being as immersed in my writing as i thought i might be at this time; i feel reassured. i feel comforted by the universe. as if i'm getting a pat on the back. a hand on my shoulder.
it's ok. your ideas are good. your characters are real. so real, in fact, here they are! tada!
and when you and mega are all settled in, your characters will be waiting for you to tell their story.
really they will.
i know that's true. her sweet warm body curled up under my arm, as it is now, is the most inspiration i could ask for.
d: patience with myself.
b: a week pass on guilt!
g: hand on my shoulder.. emails and calls and real people walking up out of my book..
i'm not sure that really means anything, maybe it's a godwink. but it feels more like a hand on my shoulder.
i fell off my word-quota toward the end of last week with all the puppy-prep. shopping, reading, planning, obsessing - it's quite time consuming. then the weekend was spent pampering sweet mega and i'm just now getting caught up on my blogging, let alone thinking about my novel.
when i first fell behind on the quota, i started my typical self-criticism and guilt. (which, by the way, is not very conducive to creative writing.) and then, i decided to give myself a pass for the week.
cliche aside, it's not every day that i get a new puppy. in fact, i've never gotten a new puppy. never ever. and i wanted to enjoy every minute of the planning and these first few days and weeks with her. without guilt for not writing enough.
and i have.
and so when these small incidents have happened over the past few days, rather than feeling guilty about not being as immersed in my writing as i thought i might be at this time; i feel reassured. i feel comforted by the universe. as if i'm getting a pat on the back. a hand on my shoulder.
it's ok. your ideas are good. your characters are real. so real, in fact, here they are! tada!
and when you and mega are all settled in, your characters will be waiting for you to tell their story.
really they will.
i know that's true. her sweet warm body curled up under my arm, as it is now, is the most inspiration i could ask for.
d: patience with myself.
b: a week pass on guilt!
g: hand on my shoulder.. emails and calls and real people walking up out of my book..
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Mega
with a heart overflowing with love and gratitude today, i introduce...
mega puppy breath
mega face licks
mega cuddles
mega love
mega miracle
Megaball Milla, my new puppy.
a constant reminder that i can and do get exactly what i ask for, in abundance and magnanimously.
so, i say: request mega, believe mega, and receive mega!
d: a healthy, happy life for my baby Mega.
b: i have the most precious puppy in the world. truly, i do.
g: i was open to receive her.
Friday, July 17, 2009
manna-fest
i've met a number of people over the past few years that have found ways to balance their creative passions, their personal passions and their work; where those are not one and the same.
one friend who made a documentary film.
one friend who has a second career as an artistic portrait photographer.
one friend who is a writer and does literary blogging.
and of course i met haley, who has the art vs income-driven-work balance down to a science.
i thought to myself when i met these people things like, 'i wish i could do that..' or 'maybe i'll get a chance to do that in another life..' or 'too bad i don't have that freedom.' and it wasn't until a few months ago that i realized, in fact, i could do that. i could have that freedom. i could have that chance this time around, rather than wait until my next lifetime.
if i'd just stop telling myself i couldn't, that is.
so, in april, i consciously stopped telling myself those messages. i didn't exactly make a 180, but i did start believing i could have better when it came to work, at least. and then a couple of months later, i started consiously rewriting my belief that it even had to be 'work' in the typical sense of the word. i opened myself to something more spectacular, more unconventional, more right for me.
i didn't know what it would be, but i spent time laying out what it would look like. what freedoms i'd be afforded. what i'd do every day and what i'd let go of. this was different than my 'pefect job' list, which i've written about before, but it was more about my life in this new scenario. maybe work was involved, maybe not.
i think maybe i went 90 degrees on the first decision in april, to purposefully create a better work situation, and then another 90 degrees in june, when i decided to redesign my life. a life that would let me exercise every morning without robbing me of time with haley at night (ie, not at 5 am spin class.). a life that would let me pursue my creative interests with hours before 11pm to begin them (ie blogging and novel-writing.) a life that would help me accommodate the boys' growing transportation needs (ie. social and extracurricular activities). a life where the work i did do would be more suitable to my interests, talents and better compensated. a life where i could have a dog and plenty of time to spend with her and train her.
i set out last month with the intention of believing this into existence. manifesting it, if you will, through my creative mind. and friday, my creativity paid off.
everything clicked into place at work, with a job that will enable me to do some contract work for my current employer, in a different division. a fair pay rate. flexible hours and work location. the job is something i'm actually quite interested in, will be great for my resume, and may prove to be something more in the long run. combined with some other provisions i have lined up, i'm excited to say that i got exactly what i asked for. and then some.
i like the word manifest a lot. i think it's the way it sounds rather than the way it looks though, which is unusual for me. sometimes i even fall for a word based on they way it types or writes. but i digress.
i think the thing i like about it is that it sounds like manna-fest. and manna reminds me of something i learned in sunday school as a child.. miraculous nourishment from god dropped down from heaven. and fest - as in a party.
i know that after i manifested, or mannafested, the perfect work situation friday, i certainly felt like a party.
d: i have a new manifesting project underway.. hope the universe still loves speed.
b: i let go of 'can't, couldn't, and next time'.
g: i learned how to use this power.
one friend who made a documentary film.
one friend who has a second career as an artistic portrait photographer.
one friend who is a writer and does literary blogging.
and of course i met haley, who has the art vs income-driven-work balance down to a science.
i thought to myself when i met these people things like, 'i wish i could do that..' or 'maybe i'll get a chance to do that in another life..' or 'too bad i don't have that freedom.' and it wasn't until a few months ago that i realized, in fact, i could do that. i could have that freedom. i could have that chance this time around, rather than wait until my next lifetime.
if i'd just stop telling myself i couldn't, that is.
so, in april, i consciously stopped telling myself those messages. i didn't exactly make a 180, but i did start believing i could have better when it came to work, at least. and then a couple of months later, i started consiously rewriting my belief that it even had to be 'work' in the typical sense of the word. i opened myself to something more spectacular, more unconventional, more right for me.
i didn't know what it would be, but i spent time laying out what it would look like. what freedoms i'd be afforded. what i'd do every day and what i'd let go of. this was different than my 'pefect job' list, which i've written about before, but it was more about my life in this new scenario. maybe work was involved, maybe not.
i think maybe i went 90 degrees on the first decision in april, to purposefully create a better work situation, and then another 90 degrees in june, when i decided to redesign my life. a life that would let me exercise every morning without robbing me of time with haley at night (ie, not at 5 am spin class.). a life that would let me pursue my creative interests with hours before 11pm to begin them (ie blogging and novel-writing.) a life that would help me accommodate the boys' growing transportation needs (ie. social and extracurricular activities). a life where the work i did do would be more suitable to my interests, talents and better compensated. a life where i could have a dog and plenty of time to spend with her and train her.
i set out last month with the intention of believing this into existence. manifesting it, if you will, through my creative mind. and friday, my creativity paid off.
everything clicked into place at work, with a job that will enable me to do some contract work for my current employer, in a different division. a fair pay rate. flexible hours and work location. the job is something i'm actually quite interested in, will be great for my resume, and may prove to be something more in the long run. combined with some other provisions i have lined up, i'm excited to say that i got exactly what i asked for. and then some.
i like the word manifest a lot. i think it's the way it sounds rather than the way it looks though, which is unusual for me. sometimes i even fall for a word based on they way it types or writes. but i digress.
i think the thing i like about it is that it sounds like manna-fest. and manna reminds me of something i learned in sunday school as a child.. miraculous nourishment from god dropped down from heaven. and fest - as in a party.
i know that after i manifested, or mannafested, the perfect work situation friday, i certainly felt like a party.
d: i have a new manifesting project underway.. hope the universe still loves speed.
b: i let go of 'can't, couldn't, and next time'.
g: i learned how to use this power.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
de ja vu
i wonder if i'll ever fully trust my body again.
aches in my chest are never first attributed to yesterday's workout. shortness of breath is never simply due to congestion.
my hormones are generally whack - creating unpredictable rises and dips, i won't use the word 'cycle' because that would imply a pattern. fatigue sets down upon me with the force of a sledge hammer and every time it happens it brings de ja vu.
then it passes and my hormones balance out and i think, 'oh that explains it..' and my energy and mood and aches all go back to 'normal'. whatever 'normal' is, for me.
sometimes i imagine that my blood is thickening and clotting in my body.. forming little globs that are just waiting for the most opportune moment to lodge somewhere debilitating and make themselves known to me. again. that's probably nuts. and probably not the sort of thing i should be using my creative mind to create; and i certainly am not trying to.
but then again, i wasn't trying to before either. and it was happening. for a long time and i was walking around and doing my thing. i was working, mothering, playing, and going on about my day to day life without a thought in the world about what my blood was doing in my body. why would i think about that, after all? i was healthy. i thought.
i am healthy. i don't feel very good tonight. but i guess this is all part of normal.
d: less de ja vu.
b: i am healthy.
g: this will pass.
aches in my chest are never first attributed to yesterday's workout. shortness of breath is never simply due to congestion.
my hormones are generally whack - creating unpredictable rises and dips, i won't use the word 'cycle' because that would imply a pattern. fatigue sets down upon me with the force of a sledge hammer and every time it happens it brings de ja vu.
then it passes and my hormones balance out and i think, 'oh that explains it..' and my energy and mood and aches all go back to 'normal'. whatever 'normal' is, for me.
sometimes i imagine that my blood is thickening and clotting in my body.. forming little globs that are just waiting for the most opportune moment to lodge somewhere debilitating and make themselves known to me. again. that's probably nuts. and probably not the sort of thing i should be using my creative mind to create; and i certainly am not trying to.
but then again, i wasn't trying to before either. and it was happening. for a long time and i was walking around and doing my thing. i was working, mothering, playing, and going on about my day to day life without a thought in the world about what my blood was doing in my body. why would i think about that, after all? i was healthy. i thought.
i am healthy. i don't feel very good tonight. but i guess this is all part of normal.
d: less de ja vu.
b: i am healthy.
g: this will pass.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
dusk
dusk
one of my favorite words.
absolutely my favorite time of day.
the time it is right now.
my golden writing hour.
my get-your-novel-written-this-month-if-it-kills-you-dammit coach writes in his book that you should identify your golden hour or hours and capitalize on them. write like a madman, er madwoman, at that time every day. schedule your life around those hours so that you can be at your computer then. write critical scenes then. work on the dialogues that have you stumped. develop the evil nemesis' psyche then. etcetera, etcetera.
that's worked pretty well for me the past couple of days. but today i'm blogging. i'm on the front porch of my house, in a rocking chair, blogging. instead of noveling. (is noveling a word??)
i think that the hours between sunset and nightfall are the finest in the day because they are charged with a momentum of change. the energy of evening is rolling into the city.. in a physical sense, most people are moving from their work routines into a more relaxed state, with family, friends.. at home or at least, at ease. the heat of the day, especially at this time of year, is receding and the smells of night are rising.
but most of all, the thing i love about dusk is the sky. it's truly hazardous to my health and others' for me to be behind a wheel from 8-9 pm in the summer (varying hours at other times of year), because my eyes are fixated on the sky. the clouds. the sun. the colors reflecting on the houses, even on the roads. though it happens every day, i still look up and marvel at the pink and purple beauty.
and the haze that brightens everything, as if coming from the ground up, colors my cheeks.. i always think, 'i should be on a patio with haley right now..' it's definitely a color of love.. rich with emotion. perhaps that's why i like it so.
the sun is now below my horizon and the sky a pale color that falls between grey and pink. it perfectly matches my mood.
i feel dusk.
d: golden writing hour extended another 1700 words - eek
b: i'm caught up on the 'a day...'
g: dusk comes daily.
one of my favorite words.
absolutely my favorite time of day.
the time it is right now.
my golden writing hour.
my get-your-novel-written-this-month-if-it-kills-you-dammit coach writes in his book that you should identify your golden hour or hours and capitalize on them. write like a madman, er madwoman, at that time every day. schedule your life around those hours so that you can be at your computer then. write critical scenes then. work on the dialogues that have you stumped. develop the evil nemesis' psyche then. etcetera, etcetera.
that's worked pretty well for me the past couple of days. but today i'm blogging. i'm on the front porch of my house, in a rocking chair, blogging. instead of noveling. (is noveling a word??)
i think that the hours between sunset and nightfall are the finest in the day because they are charged with a momentum of change. the energy of evening is rolling into the city.. in a physical sense, most people are moving from their work routines into a more relaxed state, with family, friends.. at home or at least, at ease. the heat of the day, especially at this time of year, is receding and the smells of night are rising.
but most of all, the thing i love about dusk is the sky. it's truly hazardous to my health and others' for me to be behind a wheel from 8-9 pm in the summer (varying hours at other times of year), because my eyes are fixated on the sky. the clouds. the sun. the colors reflecting on the houses, even on the roads. though it happens every day, i still look up and marvel at the pink and purple beauty.
and the haze that brightens everything, as if coming from the ground up, colors my cheeks.. i always think, 'i should be on a patio with haley right now..' it's definitely a color of love.. rich with emotion. perhaps that's why i like it so.
the sun is now below my horizon and the sky a pale color that falls between grey and pink. it perfectly matches my mood.
i feel dusk.
d: golden writing hour extended another 1700 words - eek
b: i'm caught up on the 'a day...'
g: dusk comes daily.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
price
it's a funny task, assigning a price tag to things that are so subjective and intangible. like the value of a job well done or the value of a life or companionship. and for some reason i've been confronted lately with both assignments.
both impossible.
for too many years i've considered my salary to be of secondary importance to other job attributes. i've felt apologetic when discussing what i want and predictably, i've been under-compensated. you get what you ask for, right?
now i'm in the enviable position of getting to have that conversation again. *groan* but this time, i'm going to approach it differently. my hour of work is worth at least as much as hers and more than his, because it seems like if i've learned nothing else after all this time in marketing, price is purely arbitrary.
so today when a potential employer called and asked me my salary requirement, i didn't play any games, i just gave a number. and friday when i have another similar conversation, i will do the same thing. and when i have my next conversation, and my next conversation, and my next, i will continue to ask for what i deserve. and i will not apologize for it.
and at the same time i'm standing up for what i want and need in terms of income, i have also made peace with a certain price tag on a new family member. the request i put to the universe, the prayer i issued was for the right puppy at the right price in the right time.. and i prayed for the wisdom to know when i found her.
i opened my heart to other puppies and i talked to other breeders and i stopped crying and sat as patiently as i could, waiting for an answer. and it came. there was no sky-parting, lightning bolt, god-wink. there was no aha, flash of divine inspiration. there was just a series of small insights, occuring in various conversations and situations, over the course of several days.. and then i knew.
it may seem frivolous to some and it may seem short-sighted or irresponsible to others, but i feel secure and confident in the decision. i have no doubt in the abundance of the universe and my placement in it.
d: balancing my price/value equation on friday.
b: i am asking for what i want.
g: mega-abundance and prosperity.. mega.
both impossible.
for too many years i've considered my salary to be of secondary importance to other job attributes. i've felt apologetic when discussing what i want and predictably, i've been under-compensated. you get what you ask for, right?
now i'm in the enviable position of getting to have that conversation again. *groan* but this time, i'm going to approach it differently. my hour of work is worth at least as much as hers and more than his, because it seems like if i've learned nothing else after all this time in marketing, price is purely arbitrary.
so today when a potential employer called and asked me my salary requirement, i didn't play any games, i just gave a number. and friday when i have another similar conversation, i will do the same thing. and when i have my next conversation, and my next conversation, and my next, i will continue to ask for what i deserve. and i will not apologize for it.
and at the same time i'm standing up for what i want and need in terms of income, i have also made peace with a certain price tag on a new family member. the request i put to the universe, the prayer i issued was for the right puppy at the right price in the right time.. and i prayed for the wisdom to know when i found her.
i opened my heart to other puppies and i talked to other breeders and i stopped crying and sat as patiently as i could, waiting for an answer. and it came. there was no sky-parting, lightning bolt, god-wink. there was no aha, flash of divine inspiration. there was just a series of small insights, occuring in various conversations and situations, over the course of several days.. and then i knew.
it may seem frivolous to some and it may seem short-sighted or irresponsible to others, but i feel secure and confident in the decision. i have no doubt in the abundance of the universe and my placement in it.
d: balancing my price/value equation on friday.
b: i am asking for what i want.
g: mega-abundance and prosperity.. mega.
Monday, July 13, 2009
rough
last night i kicked off something new. something bigger than i've ever taken on before. and despite all my pep talks, planning and reading up on the subject, nothing could've prepared me for the feeling of losing myself in a fantasy on paper.
though writing pure fiction is uncharted territory for me, it stands to reason i could do it. i have the tools: imagination, vocabulary, super-speedy typing fingers, and time. but unlike writing a blog or a journal or even a fictionalized memoir disguising as a short story, fiction feels reckless. as though i'm telling a lie and uh oh, am i going to remember what i said?
that being said, i got started last night and while it displaced my blogging time, i fearfully put the first 1700 words on the pages of my novel. first spewing the half-formed ideas that i'd been building for the past couple of weeks and then watching words and characters and plots appear that i'd never imagined or seen coming.
when i saved the document and closed my laptop for bed last night i was worried. worried i'd written nothing worth saving. worried i'd gotten the voice or the tense wrong. worried that it was too much narrative. worried that i was going to run out of ideas. worried that i wouldn't remember the ideas i've already had. worried i'm in over my head. worried i've signed a check i can't cash.
and then when i woke up this morning, as i brushed my teeth, i remembered something i wrote. it surprised me. i liked it. then i recalled something else that appeared on the screen last night and again was pleasantly surprised.
i may be fantastic, but my fantasy isn't so far flung that i believe every word i draft will be fit for posterity, and so today when i settle into my writing pod i will give myself permission to be reckless. to be surprised. to be disappointed. to be rough.
after all, it is a rough draft.
d: less worry, more rough.
b: i hit my quota, right on time. write on.
g: pleasant surprises.
though writing pure fiction is uncharted territory for me, it stands to reason i could do it. i have the tools: imagination, vocabulary, super-speedy typing fingers, and time. but unlike writing a blog or a journal or even a fictionalized memoir disguising as a short story, fiction feels reckless. as though i'm telling a lie and uh oh, am i going to remember what i said?
that being said, i got started last night and while it displaced my blogging time, i fearfully put the first 1700 words on the pages of my novel. first spewing the half-formed ideas that i'd been building for the past couple of weeks and then watching words and characters and plots appear that i'd never imagined or seen coming.
when i saved the document and closed my laptop for bed last night i was worried. worried i'd written nothing worth saving. worried i'd gotten the voice or the tense wrong. worried that it was too much narrative. worried that i was going to run out of ideas. worried that i wouldn't remember the ideas i've already had. worried i'm in over my head. worried i've signed a check i can't cash.
and then when i woke up this morning, as i brushed my teeth, i remembered something i wrote. it surprised me. i liked it. then i recalled something else that appeared on the screen last night and again was pleasantly surprised.
i may be fantastic, but my fantasy isn't so far flung that i believe every word i draft will be fit for posterity, and so today when i settle into my writing pod i will give myself permission to be reckless. to be surprised. to be disappointed. to be rough.
after all, it is a rough draft.
d: less worry, more rough.
b: i hit my quota, right on time. write on.
g: pleasant surprises.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
quiet
tomorrow i kick off thirty days of crazed writing. tonight i'm overflowing with ideas, anticipation, and creative energy. i can't wait to set my laptop up, turn on the music, and turn off the rest of the world. i am so excited about my story - i can't wait to get it on paper!
buzzing with adrenaline i am taking inventory on my fears and finding few. over the past few months this blog has taught me much to take the edge off this blitz.
i've always been a writer, and even in school loved writing papers so much that i wrote them for my friends (shhh). but one of my fears around novel writing over the years was that i firmly believed that i had to wait for inspiration to hit before i sat down to write. and hearkening back to my school writing, that inevitably happened at the last possible minute, when a deadline is involved. so, a novel.. with no prescribed deadline.. i feared i'd never be inspired.
at least that's what i've believed all my life. but now i know that's simply a myth i allowed myself to believe.
committing to writing a daily blog has shown me that inspiration is there all the time. it's simply masked by all the other noise.
quiet the noise.
reveal the inspiration.
it happens every day.
(some days more inspired than others, admittedly.)
so, although i'm setting a word count quota for each day that's certain to be a challenge, i have every confidence that the biggest challenge will be simply sitting still and quieting the noise. because i know the inspiration is there. waiting to be inked.
d: quiet time
b: inspiration within
g: fears removed by a dbg a day
buzzing with adrenaline i am taking inventory on my fears and finding few. over the past few months this blog has taught me much to take the edge off this blitz.
i've always been a writer, and even in school loved writing papers so much that i wrote them for my friends (shhh). but one of my fears around novel writing over the years was that i firmly believed that i had to wait for inspiration to hit before i sat down to write. and hearkening back to my school writing, that inevitably happened at the last possible minute, when a deadline is involved. so, a novel.. with no prescribed deadline.. i feared i'd never be inspired.
at least that's what i've believed all my life. but now i know that's simply a myth i allowed myself to believe.
committing to writing a daily blog has shown me that inspiration is there all the time. it's simply masked by all the other noise.
quiet the noise.
reveal the inspiration.
it happens every day.
(some days more inspired than others, admittedly.)
so, although i'm setting a word count quota for each day that's certain to be a challenge, i have every confidence that the biggest challenge will be simply sitting still and quieting the noise. because i know the inspiration is there. waiting to be inked.
d: quiet time
b: inspiration within
g: fears removed by a dbg a day
Saturday, July 11, 2009
light
silly [sil ee] adjective
1. weak-minded or lacking good sense; stupid or foolish
2. absurd; ridiculous; irrational
3. stunned; dazed
(Random House Dictionary, 2009)
'silly goose'
somehow i can't imagine my dad meaning any of the Random House definitions when he called me that as a child.
'silly willy'
though definitely ridiculous at moments, the times i call todd and luke that, i mean something far less critical.
'silly head'
and now haley is calling me this on a fairly regular basis.. and i certainly hope she isn't secretly thinking, 'dumbass'.
i would hereby like to formally object to these dictionary definitions of one of the best emotional states i've experienced sober. it's perfectly harmless, entirely fun, and feels amazing.
how that can be considered weak-minded or foolish, i have no idea. perhaps that's a sign i'm just too silly to understand. *shrug* if so, i'll risk it.
lately i've been feeling particularly silly. talking in funny voices, being my most off-the-wall self, and receiving an above average daily dosage of eye rollings from the boys. a sign that i'm truly hitting the silly threshold high and hard. after all, if i'm silly to ten and twelve year olds, that's pretty damn silly.
and so, today, i stopped to wonder why i'm suddenly so silly and since it's so great, why i'm not always.. and i totally attribute it to weight. not my weight, per se, although that can factor in when i get obsessed over the scale..
no, i digress, i mean the weight of my mind. the weight of my heart. the weight on the other end of the ropes, pulling and tugging at me in a million directions.
today i am light. today and yesterday and for a number of days now... and i must say, i do love the light.
night light.
light at the end of the tunnel.
lite-brite.
star light, star bright, first star i see tonight. i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight.
d: (ie. wish) silly epidemic
b: i am light.
g: weight lifted!
1. weak-minded or lacking good sense; stupid or foolish
2. absurd; ridiculous; irrational
3. stunned; dazed
(Random House Dictionary, 2009)
'silly goose'
somehow i can't imagine my dad meaning any of the Random House definitions when he called me that as a child.
'silly willy'
though definitely ridiculous at moments, the times i call todd and luke that, i mean something far less critical.
'silly head'
and now haley is calling me this on a fairly regular basis.. and i certainly hope she isn't secretly thinking, 'dumbass'.
i would hereby like to formally object to these dictionary definitions of one of the best emotional states i've experienced sober. it's perfectly harmless, entirely fun, and feels amazing.
how that can be considered weak-minded or foolish, i have no idea. perhaps that's a sign i'm just too silly to understand. *shrug* if so, i'll risk it.
lately i've been feeling particularly silly. talking in funny voices, being my most off-the-wall self, and receiving an above average daily dosage of eye rollings from the boys. a sign that i'm truly hitting the silly threshold high and hard. after all, if i'm silly to ten and twelve year olds, that's pretty damn silly.
and so, today, i stopped to wonder why i'm suddenly so silly and since it's so great, why i'm not always.. and i totally attribute it to weight. not my weight, per se, although that can factor in when i get obsessed over the scale..
no, i digress, i mean the weight of my mind. the weight of my heart. the weight on the other end of the ropes, pulling and tugging at me in a million directions.
today i am light. today and yesterday and for a number of days now... and i must say, i do love the light.
night light.
light at the end of the tunnel.
lite-brite.
star light, star bright, first star i see tonight. i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight.
d: (ie. wish) silly epidemic
b: i am light.
g: weight lifted!
Friday, July 10, 2009
t-shirt
it's been five months since haley and i started going out and when i look at her across the bedroom tonight, flossing her teeth, i still get butterflies at how sexy and breathtaking i find her. i know five months isn't really that long, but i still find it amazing.
that shiny, new girlfriend feeling hasn't worn off yet, even though she definitely feels much more like my favorite comfy t-shirt. you know the one.
it works in every wardrobe situation.. flexible and accommodating. and always in style.
and so does she.
it flatters me in the all the right places and casts a forgiving eye on all the others.
and so does she.
and when everything else in the closet is just too snug or rough or somehow wrong, it's soft and gentle and fits perfectly.
and so does she.
but i dare not take this metaphor too far, because while i'll toss my favorite t-shirt on the floor of my closet and walk on it until i need it again or let it go missing for months at a time and know it will always be there; a couple days apart from haley and i'm reaching out for her in the night and talking to her picture on my desk. i dare not take this treasure for granted. i dare not.
because that favorite comfy t-shirt i described above? it's fiction.
haley? the real deal.
d: fashion to match the fiction.
b: i take nothing for granted.
g: butterflies swarming at 5 months.
that shiny, new girlfriend feeling hasn't worn off yet, even though she definitely feels much more like my favorite comfy t-shirt. you know the one.
it works in every wardrobe situation.. flexible and accommodating. and always in style.
and so does she.
it flatters me in the all the right places and casts a forgiving eye on all the others.
and so does she.
and when everything else in the closet is just too snug or rough or somehow wrong, it's soft and gentle and fits perfectly.
and so does she.
but i dare not take this metaphor too far, because while i'll toss my favorite t-shirt on the floor of my closet and walk on it until i need it again or let it go missing for months at a time and know it will always be there; a couple days apart from haley and i'm reaching out for her in the night and talking to her picture on my desk. i dare not take this treasure for granted. i dare not.
because that favorite comfy t-shirt i described above? it's fiction.
haley? the real deal.
d: fashion to match the fiction.
b: i take nothing for granted.
g: butterflies swarming at 5 months.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
novel
haley tried to turn me on to a book a few months ago, a book on novel-writing. but something about the idea of a book on how to write a book turned me off. it sounded like someone else's get-rich-quick-scheme or their book idea..
hey bob, i know the just the thing! i'll sell books on how to write books! those wanna-be authors are suckers for everything!
then, in this recent turn of events my life has taken, i've found myself feeling a strong pull to write something novel-length, in fact. and when i was on vacation in arkansas mom suggested a different 'how to' write a novel book that she had heard of.
it reminded me of haley's book i'd previously shrugged off.. it was called No Plot? No Problem! A Low Stress, High-Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days. suddenly it didn't sound like such a bad idea.. maybe i'd take a look at it after all.
of course, it wasn't carried by any book stores in the city i was in.
oh well, nevermind.
and then, in a conversational tangent with mom, i stumbled across a really great idea for a plot.
and on the way back from arkansas, driving on autopilot, i birthed characters.
when i got home from vacation, i was itching to start writing.
but i wanted that book. for some reason, it kept coming back to me. and now that i've bought it and read it, in a single night as it's quite short, i'm glad i did. because you see, it's not the 'no plot' part that's a problem, it's the 'low-stress' part. i've gotten way-layed by the stress before and let doubt and self-criticism stop my progress.
this time i will know better. this time i will lower my expectation and let the first draft be a first draft. i will let it be raw and unpolished. i will let it be mostly junk, if that's how it turns out. i will let it be rough, and polish it only when it's complete. i will keep the parts i love and discard the parts i don't and i will enjoy the writing of them all.
d: let the writing be fun.
b: i am writing a novel.
g: a novel approach.
hey bob, i know the just the thing! i'll sell books on how to write books! those wanna-be authors are suckers for everything!
then, in this recent turn of events my life has taken, i've found myself feeling a strong pull to write something novel-length, in fact. and when i was on vacation in arkansas mom suggested a different 'how to' write a novel book that she had heard of.
it reminded me of haley's book i'd previously shrugged off.. it was called No Plot? No Problem! A Low Stress, High-Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days. suddenly it didn't sound like such a bad idea.. maybe i'd take a look at it after all.
of course, it wasn't carried by any book stores in the city i was in.
oh well, nevermind.
and then, in a conversational tangent with mom, i stumbled across a really great idea for a plot.
and on the way back from arkansas, driving on autopilot, i birthed characters.
when i got home from vacation, i was itching to start writing.
but i wanted that book. for some reason, it kept coming back to me. and now that i've bought it and read it, in a single night as it's quite short, i'm glad i did. because you see, it's not the 'no plot' part that's a problem, it's the 'low-stress' part. i've gotten way-layed by the stress before and let doubt and self-criticism stop my progress.
this time i will know better. this time i will lower my expectation and let the first draft be a first draft. i will let it be raw and unpolished. i will let it be mostly junk, if that's how it turns out. i will let it be rough, and polish it only when it's complete. i will keep the parts i love and discard the parts i don't and i will enjoy the writing of them all.
d: let the writing be fun.
b: i am writing a novel.
g: a novel approach.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
tessie
shallow purr.
shallow wail.
shallow breath.
shallow grave.
deep loss.
tonight we buried tessie... she'd been our prodigal pet for the past two or more years, gone to live with someone else. she was returned to us a couple of weeks ago because she'd lost her voice, but in the short time we were on vacation she went from speechless to lifeless.
i'm releasing the guilt, or trying to at least, for not realizing she was ill before we left. for not doing something about it before gallavanting off to visit family and play at the beach. i'm trying instead to be grateful that we were able to give her our loving attention in her last couple of days; that i was able to comfort her as she breathed her last breaths; that her last days and nights were in the same familiar home as her first memories, or so i imagine.
and yet, i'm not much consoled by that.
but then luke reminded me and todd that her energy isn't gone. that energy never dies. and luke is already imagining it in new puppies and kittens everywhere.
and that, that was consoling.
d: loving memories prevailing.
b: i taught luke the law of conservation of energy.
g: luke taught it back to me.
shallow wail.
shallow breath.
shallow grave.
deep loss.
tonight we buried tessie... she'd been our prodigal pet for the past two or more years, gone to live with someone else. she was returned to us a couple of weeks ago because she'd lost her voice, but in the short time we were on vacation she went from speechless to lifeless.
i'm releasing the guilt, or trying to at least, for not realizing she was ill before we left. for not doing something about it before gallavanting off to visit family and play at the beach. i'm trying instead to be grateful that we were able to give her our loving attention in her last couple of days; that i was able to comfort her as she breathed her last breaths; that her last days and nights were in the same familiar home as her first memories, or so i imagine.
and yet, i'm not much consoled by that.
but then luke reminded me and todd that her energy isn't gone. that energy never dies. and luke is already imagining it in new puppies and kittens everywhere.
and that, that was consoling.
d: loving memories prevailing.
b: i taught luke the law of conservation of energy.
g: luke taught it back to me.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
puppy
i've had my heart set on a cavalier king charles spaniel for months and months now. and in the synchronistic way that things usually happen, the perfect breeder with a brand new litter of puppies was introduced to me by a well-placed stranger.the right breeder is hard to find.. so many are off-putting to me. but this woman's philosophy is sound. her environment for the pups is what i'd always envisioned for a puppy of mine. the mom and dad are beautiful and beloved pets. she really loves her dogs; they sleep in her bed and run under foot while she tends the farm. i get page-long emails nearly every day detailing the puppies' growth and antics.
and in the divine way that things work out, the puppy's name was a god-wink for another project haley and i are working on and the puppy's timing for her new home is a perfect match to my schedule change.
needless to say i'm attached.
but then today i learned that she's going to be priced at more than double the cost i was expecting and fifty percent more than i'm willing or able to pay. and my heart is breaking.
i know that if milla isn't the right puppy for me, the right one is on her way, but setting aside the disappointment is proving difficult.
haley said that maybe all of the seeming perfection of this particular puppy was simply a bus stop, rather than the destination; and i like that metaphor. i'm taking it a step further though and hoping that this latest news on milla is just a speed bump along the route and that she'll still be at the end of the road.
after all, tonight is the mega million drawing and i have a ticket.
d: see above picture
b: i'm very lucky.
g: the perfect puppy is on its way.
Monday, July 6, 2009
heart
i tend to alternate between reading fiction and nonfiction in phases. when i'm introspective and analytic, it's non-fiction. when i'm creative and dreamy and escapist, it's fiction. (yes, i read a lot more of the latter.)
it works in reverse too. so it makes sense that i'm absorbed into fiction these days, stimulating my creativity. so absorbed that i have to put my current novel in the trunk of my car to resist reading while driving. so absorbed that i'm a little bit sad because the end of the book is nearing. so absorbed that i'm planning waiting time into my day so that i can fit in a few pages.
i have a shelf of books in my library that i haven't read. books that are on my list to read and lie in waiting. but i'm being very selective about my reading time right now. the minutes i can read are often the same minutes i can write and if i'm not writing, i want to be soaking up the words of authors i admire and want to learn from.
which leads me to the book i am now reading. i gave this book to my mom last christmas. it was a book christmas for me, all the gifts i gave were books. a book, or stack of books, selected for each person and a letter that told them why.
most of the books were books i'd read before. i very rarely gift a book i don't know myself. but this one, i took a chance on. it was an author that my mom and i both love and the story sounded intriguing. mom read it and regifted it back to me on my birthday. she said it was terribly depressing (i love depressing books) and though beautifully written, not one of her favorites. now i'm enduring the misery myself and my heart is breaking. and i can't put it down.
but ironically i find that although the story is hopeless, it's given me hope. the language and the characters and the emotion are simply enough to carry a story that doesn't really do much carrying.
tonight while spinning, i was running through story details of my unwritten book and starting to panic. i was getting caught up in minutiae rather than the heart. and now, a rather depressing, but totally absorbing character study has reminded me that the heart of the book is really just touching the heart of the reader.
and that's something i think i can do.
d: heart touching
b: lesson learned
g: regifted mis-gift
it works in reverse too. so it makes sense that i'm absorbed into fiction these days, stimulating my creativity. so absorbed that i have to put my current novel in the trunk of my car to resist reading while driving. so absorbed that i'm a little bit sad because the end of the book is nearing. so absorbed that i'm planning waiting time into my day so that i can fit in a few pages.
i have a shelf of books in my library that i haven't read. books that are on my list to read and lie in waiting. but i'm being very selective about my reading time right now. the minutes i can read are often the same minutes i can write and if i'm not writing, i want to be soaking up the words of authors i admire and want to learn from.
which leads me to the book i am now reading. i gave this book to my mom last christmas. it was a book christmas for me, all the gifts i gave were books. a book, or stack of books, selected for each person and a letter that told them why.
most of the books were books i'd read before. i very rarely gift a book i don't know myself. but this one, i took a chance on. it was an author that my mom and i both love and the story sounded intriguing. mom read it and regifted it back to me on my birthday. she said it was terribly depressing (i love depressing books) and though beautifully written, not one of her favorites. now i'm enduring the misery myself and my heart is breaking. and i can't put it down.
but ironically i find that although the story is hopeless, it's given me hope. the language and the characters and the emotion are simply enough to carry a story that doesn't really do much carrying.
tonight while spinning, i was running through story details of my unwritten book and starting to panic. i was getting caught up in minutiae rather than the heart. and now, a rather depressing, but totally absorbing character study has reminded me that the heart of the book is really just touching the heart of the reader.
and that's something i think i can do.
d: heart touching
b: lesson learned
g: regifted mis-gift
Sunday, July 5, 2009
sigh
i don't know if it should be comforting, but i find it unsettling that i'm confronted with things i experienced as a child again as an adult - oftentimes through my boys. and i don't mean things like snotty middle-schoolers calling me names and friends x'ing me off their favored lists, though i'm sure that's coming soon. i mean the divorce-related situations that were so painful and hard to understand.
i vowed when i divorced that i wouldn't take my boys far from their father. i wanted them to have full access to him and be able to form their relationship with him based fully on emotional availability, rather than physical. i vowed never to talk badly about him and treat him with respect, even when he didn't behave deservedly. i also vowed not to lie to my boys about my marriage or divorce or to protect their father with lies. and i've trusted that in the long run this strategy would bear fruits of honest relationships, at the very least.
and i hoped that it would evoke a reciprocal respect from the other side of the custodial partnership.
i vowed when i divorced that i wouldn't take my boys far from their father. i wanted them to have full access to him and be able to form their relationship with him based fully on emotional availability, rather than physical. i vowed never to talk badly about him and treat him with respect, even when he didn't behave deservedly. i also vowed not to lie to my boys about my marriage or divorce or to protect their father with lies. and i've trusted that in the long run this strategy would bear fruits of honest relationships, at the very least.
and i hoped that it would evoke a reciprocal respect from the other side of the custodial partnership.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
i generally assume this falls into the category of things i cannot change.. but tonight either i was lacking in wisdom or running rampant in courage because i just could not hold my tongue - demanding respect and the benefit of the doubt and some spirit of collaboration from the boys' other parent. i mean, really.
sometimes i guess honesty and full support just don't go hand in hand. but even knowing that what i said was fully justified and knowing the boys were in fact validated by my advocacy, it still lowers my spirit to go there.
*sigh*
what i am reassured by is my own experience as a child of divorce... and the relationships i have now with my parents. though not easy or painless, or perhaps because of the difficulty and pain, i relate to the boys. and it bonds us, in a way...
d: more wisdom to discern battles worth fighting.
b: plenty of courage, be it effective or not, for one that was.
g: serenity in accepting the results.
sometimes i guess honesty and full support just don't go hand in hand. but even knowing that what i said was fully justified and knowing the boys were in fact validated by my advocacy, it still lowers my spirit to go there.
*sigh*
what i am reassured by is my own experience as a child of divorce... and the relationships i have now with my parents. though not easy or painless, or perhaps because of the difficulty and pain, i relate to the boys. and it bonds us, in a way...
d: more wisdom to discern battles worth fighting.
b: plenty of courage, be it effective or not, for one that was.
g: serenity in accepting the results.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
sand
i've always been one to tout the benefits of a staycation. staying home and doing all the things that i never have time or take time to do. enjoying the relaxation that comes from being in my own space and having no structure to my time.
but coming home from a week plus of continuous travel and vacation with the boys and then haley, i am yearning for more real vacation. i found that my creative mind was on overdrive while i was away from home. i felt more childlike and more able to connect.. with the boys.. with haley... with myself.
with my dreaming self.
walking down the beach, house-hunting. buying lottery tickets, winning. watching sunsets, manifesting.
with my creative self.
story. characters. street names. a note-pad full of ideas.
with my inner child.
swimming in the ocean, fuck my hair. squealing on the bumpy boat ride, yes i was afraid. silly baby voice, really.
facing fears and wishing on stars and picking up shells.. i didn't want to leave. or maybe i just don't want to let go of what i found.
haley said to be careful because the sun would find places to burn me that i didn't know i had skin to burn. (she was right) and i'm finding sand in every item i unpack, even those that didn't get near the beach. but the twinge of my sunburn and the sandy grit under my nails are a happy reminder that i can take it home. in more than one way.
d: permanent vacation
b: what i found within was there to be found!
g: a perfectly timed, perfectly choreographed escape.
but coming home from a week plus of continuous travel and vacation with the boys and then haley, i am yearning for more real vacation. i found that my creative mind was on overdrive while i was away from home. i felt more childlike and more able to connect.. with the boys.. with haley... with myself.
with my dreaming self.
walking down the beach, house-hunting. buying lottery tickets, winning. watching sunsets, manifesting.
with my creative self.
story. characters. street names. a note-pad full of ideas.
with my inner child.
swimming in the ocean, fuck my hair. squealing on the bumpy boat ride, yes i was afraid. silly baby voice, really.
facing fears and wishing on stars and picking up shells.. i didn't want to leave. or maybe i just don't want to let go of what i found.
haley said to be careful because the sun would find places to burn me that i didn't know i had skin to burn. (she was right) and i'm finding sand in every item i unpack, even those that didn't get near the beach. but the twinge of my sunburn and the sandy grit under my nails are a happy reminder that i can take it home. in more than one way.
d: permanent vacation
b: what i found within was there to be found!
g: a perfectly timed, perfectly choreographed escape.
Friday, July 3, 2009
turnabout
"Turnabout is fair play."
i used that expression with haley shortly after we started going out and she hadn't ever heard it. i was stunned. actually, i double-checked my text because i'm notorious for mixing up expressions. but no, i'd typed it right and she didn't know it. it was my first opportunity to teach her something mostly useless.
now for an example.
i've been sharing a dbg a day for 74 days now. some days playing catch up, some days an extra one.. or two..
and today, i'd like to ask you to do one for me. you don't have to do it publicly, you don't have to share it with me. but wherever you are, whatever you are going through - stop, take a deep breath, and do a dbg.
how, you ask? if my daily examples aren't illustrative enough, here's a play-by-play for you.
d: desire - what do you want? what would make your moment better? make you happier? raise your energy?
b: brag - what are you proud of? something you, yourself, have done or contributed or discovered? feel good about yourself. and say it. no apologies. you deserve it.
g: gratitude - give thanks. to others, to a higher power, to the universe at large. turn your energy outward and recognize the goodness.
and because it's only fair...
d: that your dbg may raise your energy a smidge
b: i get to do a dbg here, publicly, every single day!
g: you read mine. you read me. you inspire me.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
voucher
sunset and sunrise from an airport window. while beautiful, not exactly how i envisioned my first vacation with haley.
i have to say though that i tremendously respect the work-life balance airtran enforces with their crew. the minute that crew hits their scheduled hours for the day, that's it. they are out of here. off to bed with you, airtran says. never mind all those people who are being incredibly inconvenienced by this, it's much more important that you get your rest.
and though i say that tongue in cheek, as i drink my voucher-coffee and eat my voucher-oatmeal, i actually think this policy should be adopted by more employers. it goes without saying that hospitals and transportation companies, such as freight truckers, should send home their folks when they've worked a full day. they hold our lives in their hands.
but i contend that all employers should shut off the office lights, turn off the network and send all calls to voicemail after an eight hour day. think of the morale improvement if you knew your day ended at five, so to speak. think of the productivity improvement if you knew you wouldn't, couldn't, take your work home.
and then, we could all keep a stack of vouchers close at hand, to really make this policy ideal. an IOU for what you might've been able to do for yourself, had you not been inconvenienced by our lack of planning. oops, i didn't get that commercial done! here's a voucher for your lost sales.
so, here i sit after a whopping three hours of sleep in a voucher-hotel in a part of town i generally avoid, despite my affinity for the urban ghetto. here i sit in the same clothes and sweat and mostly absorbed make-up from yesterday. here i sit, ready to go. again.
no voucher can replace what i missed last night, though. so, while i respect the crew policy and definitely don't want a pilot on his 18th hour of work, if this flight doesn't leave 'on time' in an hour i'll be handing in a voucher for my patience.
d: on time departure and arrival
b: my hair held up overnight. well, sort of.
g: our crew will be well rested, even if i'm not.
i have to say though that i tremendously respect the work-life balance airtran enforces with their crew. the minute that crew hits their scheduled hours for the day, that's it. they are out of here. off to bed with you, airtran says. never mind all those people who are being incredibly inconvenienced by this, it's much more important that you get your rest.
and though i say that tongue in cheek, as i drink my voucher-coffee and eat my voucher-oatmeal, i actually think this policy should be adopted by more employers. it goes without saying that hospitals and transportation companies, such as freight truckers, should send home their folks when they've worked a full day. they hold our lives in their hands.
but i contend that all employers should shut off the office lights, turn off the network and send all calls to voicemail after an eight hour day. think of the morale improvement if you knew your day ended at five, so to speak. think of the productivity improvement if you knew you wouldn't, couldn't, take your work home.
and then, we could all keep a stack of vouchers close at hand, to really make this policy ideal. an IOU for what you might've been able to do for yourself, had you not been inconvenienced by our lack of planning. oops, i didn't get that commercial done! here's a voucher for your lost sales.
so, here i sit after a whopping three hours of sleep in a voucher-hotel in a part of town i generally avoid, despite my affinity for the urban ghetto. here i sit in the same clothes and sweat and mostly absorbed make-up from yesterday. here i sit, ready to go. again.
no voucher can replace what i missed last night, though. so, while i respect the crew policy and definitely don't want a pilot on his 18th hour of work, if this flight doesn't leave 'on time' in an hour i'll be handing in a voucher for my patience.
d: on time departure and arrival
b: my hair held up overnight. well, sort of.
g: our crew will be well rested, even if i'm not.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
divine
I can feel you across the miles in my body
Almost physical - spiritual
like there was no separation
like you were right beside me
like a river.
I can feel forever in my mind
I can always reach for you inside
We can stay together in our minds
Feel you like a river never dies..
~excerpted from Feel You Like a River by atb
~photo by renee lewis
Almost physical - spiritual
like there was no separation
like you were right beside me
like a river.
I can feel forever in my mind
I can always reach for you inside
We can stay together in our minds
Feel you like a river never dies..
~excerpted from Feel You Like a River by atb
~photo by renee lewis
at the airport waiting for my flight to florida... anxious for the second half of my vacation to begin. the last time that haley and i spent this many days apart was in between meeting and our first date.
those ten days we tentatively took the first few steps, each of us expecting to get a deal-killer at any minute. e-mails of introduction, questions of exploration (oh so many questions), scales for self-evaluation and healthy skepticism on both of our parts.
but day by day hope replaced skepticism. and after hope, a first date. a first date like no other, not surprising considering our initial meeting. everything stopped in that moment. the room faded away. something magical occurred and i think we were both holding our breath until the first date - would it still be there?
deep exhale. it was there. and then some.
and date by date, hope was replaced by awe. and in awe haley and i would sit and stare at each other, discussing all the ways we are perfect together. it's the real reason deb and dupree sold their house: we were nauseating them and there was no other way to get haley out. personally, i harbored some concerns that our couple-narcissism would consume us. we enjoy it so much, i wondered if we'd only become more obsessed.
but then awe was replaced with gratitude. and while those may sound very much the same, they aren't.
where awe is paralyzing, gratitude is motivating.
where awe is stunned, gratitude is inspired.
where awe is personal, gratitude is overflowing.
in awe of haley. in awe of us. in gratitude to something divine.
and with a heart of gratitude to the divine, we are now claiming our own divinity. and with all the power of the world in our hands, we are creating something amazing. not only for ourselves and each other, but to share generously. we are manifesting great things and growing great ideas.
and though we've been separated these five days, by five states, and without a doubt i've missed her, i have felt connected by what we share.
I can feel you across the miles in my body
Almost physical - spiritual
like there was no separation
like you were right beside me
like a river.
Almost physical - spiritual
like there was no separation
like you were right beside me
like a river.
d: baltimore weather, please permit my aircraft to arrive.
b: i found something healthy'ish to eat at the aiport. and yes, i strolled right past popeyes.
g: a divine connection that transcends time and space.
b: i found something healthy'ish to eat at the aiport. and yes, i strolled right past popeyes.
g: a divine connection that transcends time and space.
zoom
yesterday, sitting in a pancake restaurant having brunch with my mom, aunt diana, and the boys before we left hot springs, across the street i saw some older touristy type folks zooming by on segways. one lady was really flying, leaving her friends way behind. then there were a couple of folks in the middle of the pack, talking to each other while they glided by the parked cars and foot pedestrians. and in the back of the group, two men pulled up the rear. although also on segways, they were ambling nevertheless. it didn't appear they were going any faster than they might've on foot.
the thing that struck me about this group of motorized sidewalk strollers was how effortless they made the segways look. sure, i've seen the ads and i've seen the machines in use before, but this demographic perfectly balanced and traversing uneven curbs, hills and doorways as though floating really hit a chord with me.
it was as if they were propelled simply by intention. and in fact, they were.
the segway moves forward, backward, left and right simply by the slightest weight shift of its rider. the merest hint of intention in a direction and it intuits the path.
it's so simple.
intention. direction. power.
illustrated to me by a fleet of elderly on personal human transporters and applicable to me in such a profound way.
where my mind goes, my body follows.
where my mind goes, my world follows.
where my mind goes...
where my mind goes?
where my mind goes!
d: a traveling mind unbound by uneven terrain, cracks in the sidewalk and curbs to jump.
b: i speak segway.
g: speed limited only by strength of intention.
the thing that struck me about this group of motorized sidewalk strollers was how effortless they made the segways look. sure, i've seen the ads and i've seen the machines in use before, but this demographic perfectly balanced and traversing uneven curbs, hills and doorways as though floating really hit a chord with me.
it was as if they were propelled simply by intention. and in fact, they were.
the segway moves forward, backward, left and right simply by the slightest weight shift of its rider. the merest hint of intention in a direction and it intuits the path.
it's so simple.
intention. direction. power.
illustrated to me by a fleet of elderly on personal human transporters and applicable to me in such a profound way.
where my mind goes, my body follows.
where my mind goes, my world follows.
where my mind goes...
where my mind goes?
where my mind goes!
d: a traveling mind unbound by uneven terrain, cracks in the sidewalk and curbs to jump.
b: i speak segway.
g: speed limited only by strength of intention.
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