Tuesday, August 25, 2009

burnt

so, if i was sleepy last night, tonight i'm exhausted. i think i finally know what it means to be burning the candle at both ends. but i'm writing a quick dbg because i know that it will be a fitting way to wrap up a tremendous day.

d: take my own advice and budget sleep into my life.
b: i was at the gym at both 8's on today's clock. kicking some else's ass and then my own.
g: in between i was enjoying a little pre-gaming for the beach (ie. building a base tan) in a loaned bathing suit that looked better than my own.

Monday, August 24, 2009

sleepy

there's a digital watch in my house, it belongs to one of the boys i think, that has an alarm set for 10:51 pm. it goes off every night and none of us know how to turn it off. well, of course i can make it stop beeping at the time it goes off, but as for disabling the alarm - that eludes me. i honestly believe that the only difference between the $10 digital watch and the $100 digital watch is the ease with which you can operate it. this being one of the former explains why the menu screens, if you can call them that, are written in hieroglyphics with abbreviations unrelated to the functions.

so, every night, whether in bed or on the couch, reading, writing or talking on the phone, the alarm goes off reminding me that a) i'm too lazy to apply myself to the task of decoding the technology and b) i'm too stubborn to simply throw it away. luckily it only beeps for about 30 seconds and then all is quiet.

for about half an hour and then another digital watch in the kitchen starts going off. i think this one is luke's. interestingly, neither of them ever have worn their watches; even when the alarms weren't sounding unpredictably. it's much simpler to let me just keep time, i suppose.

tonight i'm wondering about that though. it's nearing my bedtime, yet it's not. meaning, i'm exhausted and will be up early tomorrow; but yet it's not time for bed yet. and i find this so very frustrating. not because i want to go to bed, but rather because i don't.

i resent the fact that i need as much sleep as i do. and i probably don't need (or allow myself) as much as most people. for all the things that are waiting to be done and seen and experienced; i want to waste not a minute asleep.

but i'd compromise and sleep a few hours only. can i get that deal please? i'll be happy to take a short shift in the bunk and let someone else have it if i can just work out a way to discard the extra hours of sleep my body begs me for. (shush! it's not bedtime yet!)

having the whole day and the whole night would be a treat that i can hardly fathom. all the things i could get done and all the places i could go. that would be amazing. but, for now, i have to resign myself to the facts as i understand them. and that would mean i need sleep. more than a few hours.

i am consoled by my pillowmates though. as i look at sleeping mega and remember and anticipate haley's arms around me, i know i'm in for a night of sweet, sweet dreams. safely to begin after the second watch alarm sounds...

d: godspeed for haley... i'm fading fast.
b: starting tomorrow off with an early morning training session! my client survived the first and is back for more...
g: the watches go off at 10 something rather than 2 am.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

melody

tonight as i listened to todd having his drum lesson and luke upstairs practicing the guitar it surprised me how unlike most loud and cacophonous sounds, it didn't irritate me at all. in fact, i find the slow, repetitive, successive and building nature of a music lesson soothing.

this may be another example of learning what you live because although i haven't ever had a bit of musical talent myself, i've always been around people who did or, at the very least, loved music. in the blurry memory of my childhood there are years and years of haze.. but throughout it all, a soundtrack.

my parents' music. bands i groupied around with in high school. 45s on my scratchy record player. guitar being played in the next room. my mom singing in the kitchen or the bathroom or the garden.

and now as an adult i find that the people i'm closest to - haley, both my boys, my family, jackie - are all passionate about music. it's something i admire and appreciate. i can't name a song or an artist or sing a melody of a song that i may know like the back of my hand, but in my own way, i love music too.

last night todd and i went to see the movie Bandslam. it was a teen movie about a kid and this band he managed in high school. some romantic drama. some tortured teen drama. and some loving and awkward teenage moments for a teenage boy and his single mom. we loved it.

we went for the music storyline, didn't know about the other part of the story. but in the way it always does, the music brought it all together.

and so it is in my home. as haley teaches todd to play drums and luke practices his guitar and i wash the dishes; i am melodiously content.

d: more music in my home.
b: todd is joining mega at her rank of prodigy. just ask his drum teacher.
g: that i lived a musical childhood to learn its appreciation.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

cast

Inside all of us is hope
Inside all of us is fear...
Inside all of us is adventure
Inside all of us is a wild thing.

-where the wild things are, the film

the first night i met mel she told me about a cast of characters that she can break into.. voices and personalities complete with names. i was wary and filed that away wondering what it meant about haley. did she have them too? was it a sign of some larger mental disturbance that i should run from? they are twins after all.

of course i wanted a demonstration. i think that's the natural reaction. and i was told that the characters were sort of under their own control. and had to come out on their own.

umm, ok.
that's when i first started worrying about a potential dsm-iv diagnosis.

but now, six months later, i've got a couple of these characters myself. (here's where i start to lose my audience, i'm afraid.) and now i get it.

it's the strangest thing and i can't even believe i'm admitting it publicly. i certainly don't think most people would ever meet my characters, but i'm here to tell you, it's the most fun you can have without an illegal substance. really.

i don't know why i never spoke in a different character before in my life; perhaps it's contagious. and so i wonder, is this my split? is this my break from reality? i hear that some mental illnesses don't come on until mid-thirties... tada! or perhaps it's simply a matter of knowing that you can be a lunatic among the lunatics.

or maybe, just maybe these little voices, little people within us are just our wild things.. they are just our fears and our hopes and our adventurers all clamoring for a voice.

and if so, i want to give all of my wild things voices because i believe it is they who give me mine.

d: voices for my voice.
b: wild things welcome here!
g: a creative outlet i didn't know i had.

Friday, August 21, 2009

bend-overs

when i was a kid i loved to comb the beach looking for sharks' teeth. head hung low, eyes scanning the broken shells for that distinctive shape that only could be a sloughed tooth from a growing shark.

well, or a bend-over.

see, there are actually lots of things on the beach that look very much like sharks' teeth from 4 or 5 feet up and we always called those 'bend-overs'. it gave you something to say to explain your otherwise inexplicable abrupt stop in the middle of a stroll to reach to the sand and then come up empty handed.

'bend-over'
'oh.. too bad.. looked like a good one..'

it reminds me of a story i've heard told in a number of places, including one of my favorite movies, about a native american who was told to go and check every day for the approaching ships of the settlers. and every day he would go and look out over the water and see nothing and report that back to camp.

then one day the indian is accompanied by someone else (details escape me.. i'm probably botching them) to go out and check and this other indian dude looks and sees the ships approaching. and once the boats are described to indian #1, then he can see them. he doesn't see them because he doesn't know what he's looking for.. and conversely - the indian who does know what he's seeing, sees them.

(trust me, it's much better told by anyone else. anyone.)

yesterday on my way to haley's to pick up mega, i noticed on a church readerboard, 'you mostly see what you are looking for.'

how true it is.

in the quest for what i'm looking for, i know it's important to keep my eye focused on what i want.. the outline of the tooth is as sharp as the tooth itself in my mind's eye and a willingness to check the bend-overs.. (as i'm affectionately terming the not-yet-winning-lottery-tickets)

d: clear outlines in my mind's eye
b: i'm very diligent about checking the bend-overs.
g: i found teeth in haley. uh huh. no bend-over there.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

excused

in another week i'll be heading back to the beach, this time with the boys, mega, and haley. something about being at the coast is indescribably nourishing to me. i love the sounds and the smells and the sun and even the heat. and something about the way the time evaporates into the tide feeds me.

i wonder how much of it is because i was born at the coast. i wonder how much of that is ingrained in my soul from childhood. (or maybe it's just because i'm a pisces.)

*shrug*

when i told todd and luke that we were going they didn't really know what to think. of course any vacation is good news, but they haven't ever had a beach vacation. they haven't ever spent back-to-back days putting on bathing suits and flip flops and hauling a cooler to the beach. they haven't had a vacation that involved more barefoot time than seatbelt time.

and when i realized that, i scratched my head and then i shook it. nobody to blame for that but myself.

growing up there was a cloth wall hanging in our kitchen, totally 70's style in mustard yellow, brown and orange; and on it a long proverb about how "children learn what they live". no doubt that's true. (frightening, eh?)

and so i think to myself, if i am replenished and invigorated by the sounds and feel of the ocean.. and perhaps i learned that as a child; then what will my boys be renewed by? their computers? the sound of music in their headphones? video games?

*sigh*

and so yes, i am taking my boys out of school for a few days at the beginning of the academic year. they will turn in their assignments and perhaps receive credit, perhaps not, when we return a week later. and i have decided that i have no remorse about these unexcused absences. because the absence of a beach vacation in their childhood is truly inexcusable.

d: sunny skies and memories of a lifetime
b: i choose experiential education.
g: one week and one day away!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

gift

today as i drove to haley's with the top down on my car, i passed a bakery and the aroma of chocolate baking wafted in. mega sat up in my lap, pointed her nose to the sky, sniffed and looked at me. i said, 'it smells yummy, huh?' and she said, 'mmm' and the sweetest little whimper came out of her mouth.

truly.

in twelve short weeks she's learned the most delicious forbidden smell of chocolate. (a prodigy, i tell you.) i know of course that dogs shouldn't eat chocolate, so we drove on past, but there was definitely a little twinge of pain for both of us.

this week we've celebrated birthdays for all of my babies. todd turned 12 last friday. luke turned 10 on monday. and mega turned 3 months today. this year for the first time ever, i really felt like i nailed the boys' birthdays. and not just with their gifts.

this year, things are different on their birthdays. this year, with todd in middle school their lives are diverging. and as they have diverged, it's created a space for me. while the past week and a half have been chaotic and every day a jumbled mess; they've also allowed me more time one on one with each of my boys than i've ever had before.

this morning i had a cup of coffee with todd before school. he left for the bus at the same time i left for the gym. in the afternoons; mega and i are in the routine of picking luke up from after-school. last night he and i had dinner together while todd did homework and practiced the drums. (apparently he's covering the rhythm section for the family. thank god someone is.)

and so on. it hasn't been an effort; though i wish i could take credit for it. but it's definitely been a gift. a birthday gift. to mom.

d: more birthdays like these.. many, many more.
b: my 3 month old puppy can talk.
g: i got the best birthday gift ever from my boys: their time.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

rhythm

as a person who has never had much of a sense of rhythm and always prided myself on my laid back and spontaneous nature, i'm struggling tremendously with the lack of it in my life right now. i can't seem to find the beat.

the lack of structure around my time and yet the varied and discordant things pulling at me has me feeling rushed instead of relaxed, over-worked instead of half-time, splintered instead of whole.. and all around just off.

i know that this is only the second week and i know that i will settle into some sort of routine where the things that i want to do don't schedule me, but rather the reverse. i know that will happen.

i know that i will find time in my week to be a mom, to play with haley, to coddle my new baby, to see my friends, to be fit, to cook, to clean, to read, to write, to pay the bills and to work.

not necessarily in that order. or maybe almost...

it's not that the important things in that list aren't getting done really. (since i don't really find the cleaning to be all that important. *shrug*) it's just that they aren't getting done with any sort of marching cadence. (though i'd prefer skipping to marching if i were being perfectly honest.)

but since they are being done in this haphazard, half-ass sort of way i don't find myself with my usual time for dreaming.. and that is what i am missing the most.

tonight i purchased magazines with which to dream. magazines of homes and magazines of places. magazines of images that i want to manifest in my life. because until i find my beat, i'll just have to throw some scheduled dream-time into the cacophony.

d: dream time manifesting on the beat.
b: i can be patient with myself. (though nobody else.)
g: freedom to set my own beat.

Monday, August 17, 2009

learn

*sigh*

tonight i am a paradox of creative ideas brimming over, for the first time in weeks, and exhausted with relief ready to sleep deeply and peacefully, for the first time in weeks.

at the beginning of the year i followed a series of synchronicities and began pursuing my certification as a personal trainer. initially i dove in fast and furious, as i tend to do, and then the rest of life ebbed in on the obsession and i more slowly continued to work at it.

when my employment status changed to self-employed, i thought this was the right timing to make it serious again and wouldn't you know, god-winked. my former employer, and now client as i like to think of them, initiated a wellness challenge requiring employees to form teams, compete in weight loss programs and motivate toward fitness. several people who knew it was an interest of mine approached me.

so, being a person that works better under deadline, i scheduled the certification exam. everyone said, 'are you ready?' i said, 'i don't know. but i will be by august 17th.'

today i took the exam. and passed it.

so on paper, i can officially say i'm certified now and checking that box off was something i felt i needed to do. but now the real work begins.

now i have a license to learn. now i have a license to teach. now i have a license to coach. and cheer. and empathize. and hope. and wonder. and ponder. and commiserate. and did i mention, learn?

To teach is to learn twice.
~joseph joubert

d: that my teaching will be transformational
b: i'm ACSM certified!
g: my learning is just beginning...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

beans

www.blurb.com

i promised to spill the beans eventually and so now i am. here it is. the coolest thing on the internet.

and i can even show you the
coolest thing on their website - but please, please don't get any crazy ideas and buy it because it's not for the public.



i made this for haley as a gift. the photos were done by an amazing photographer friend of mine, renee lewis. and the idea was given to me by a professional colleague and friend, a commercial photographer, don matter.

d: that you will let your creativity flow onto paper as i did
b: haley's book looks great
g: an amazing idea, beautiful pictures and inspiration for which to create.

enough

e-nough [i nuhf]
  1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire
  2. an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency
  3. in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently
  4. fully or quite
it's a funny sounding word. when i'm conserving characters i even stoop so low as to type it 'enuf'. (that's how i pronounce it anyway.) and it's an interesting word because it's used much more often paired with a negative, than alone.

"never enough."
"not enough."

last week i spiraled a little about this word. about this idea. i flip flopped from the idea of abundance and manifesting power to fear and inadequacy.

enough? when? how do you know?

mom challenged me to quantify how much would be enough. and that task gave me peace about money. about income versus expenses. i can do that math. i can calculate 'enough'. and then i can manifest 'enough'.

hell, i can manifest more than enough. (i'm a mega-manifester, after all.)

but today i struggle with enough in a different way... today i ache for more than i have of haley. more time, more access, more..

i want to come home to her and i want to be here when she gets home. i want to wake up to her and i want to curl up in her arms every night. i want to put my clothes away in a dresser when we're together, rather than a duffle bag. i want to put her shoes in the closet, rather than by the door.

and desiring all of that makes this perfect thing we share feel like not enough. (oh, but it is)

this makes me increasingly aware that enough is a kissing cousin to gratitude. and my spiral into not-enoughs should certainly be jarred back to reality by a healthy dose of gratitude.

d: more than enough.
b: i have all the power i need to manifest the more.
g: enough is more than i ever hoped for.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

time

i wrote a blog a while back about time being fluid.. and how there's always enough of it to get done the things that are important. about how it's abundant and accommodating.

then just the other day, when i last wrote a blog, i found myself in a timeless state. with little or nothing dictating when or how long over the past week or more.

and then yesterday, haley and i celebrated an 'anniversary' of sorts. six months. (but who's counting) it's felt like a drop of sand on the beach and at the same time like an ocean washing over me; i can't wrap my mind around the paradox that has been time in my life over these past six months.

and today, i started a new job where my time is much more my own. (though i'm being paid by the hour and so maybe it's not my own?)

and also today i scheduled something i've been procrastinating on for months, for monday. something that is going to require time between now and then. something that is going to require a frightening lot of time.

and all of a sudden, i'm starting to think mom was right when she said she respectfully disagreed with my blog on how time is so accommodating. suddenly it feels as though there's not enough and i'll never get it all done. suddenly it feels as though there are a million more things in my day than there are minutes to do them.

*deep exhale*

and yet, i know that's simply not true. the extraneous items
(something must be, right?) will fall off my schedule and the important things will fill in the blocks. my need for sleep will diminish and my productivity will increase. my fight or flight instinct will kick in and i know that all will be smooth and, in fact, perhaps better because there's just enough time to get it all in.

i have a card on my fridge with an affirmation on time that i read every morning.

Time is fixed, but the way I use it is not. I have as much time every day as anyone
who ever lived, and no one will ever have more time than me. That means I have all the time I need to do all the things that are important to me, and all the time I need to create the kind of life I want to live.

but now that i think about it... maybe this morning in my haste to get to work i simply grabbed my yogurt and ran out the door, forgetting to take time to read..

d: time to pause, time to focus, time to breathe.
b: my weekend is longer than my work week; time redefined by me.
g: i have plenty of time.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

timeless

tonight i got home from a full day and all the digital clocks in the house were blinking. luckily the fancy refrigerator i got on a scratch and dent sale at lowes years ago keeps track somehow of how long the power is out and that makes resetting things quite simple. of course, i do wear a watch, but it doesn't have numbers. so unless hours have passed... it's not very reliable for resetting things.

but when i reset the stove and microwave clocks tonight, it didn't even feel urgent and that struck me as representative of this entire week. though my watch has no numbers on the face, it does have a small window that shows the date and for that i am grateful. it's been my only tie to a calendar since monday.

there's been a nagging sense that i have fallen several days behind on my blog and ordinarily my calendarized life would create a window of opportunity to catch up.. but this week has been different. off the corporate schedule, not yet on a contractor's schedule, still on summer vacation, and answering only to my family, haley and mega - my time is absolutely my own.

and as such, timeless.

and so, for three days i haven't blogged at all. and where i'd usually feel obligated to catch up and fill in those calendar windows with my committed writings; i just don't feel that way this week. my last writings were very dark.. and i shut my computer on those words with tears in my eyes. it feels like a year ago; though only three days; and a million miles of emotional distance; though only a few inches of copy.

time is such a funny thing that way. moving so incredibly slow over last weekend and then so fast over the past three days. and so full and so empty all at the same time.

and so.. i write these dbgs for my timeless week.

d: more day hikes and camping trips with mega and my family.
b: mega is totally house broken at 10 weeks.
g: puppy love.. truly i never knew it could be like this.

d: regularly scheduled trips to newly discovered thrift stores.
b: awesome finds this week!
g: even the boys loved what i found them..

d: movies in theaters always fitting in.
b: i saw two this week!
g: still have a broadway show with the boys to look forward to tomorrow..

d: timeless intervals in my schedule.
b: i get to make my own schedule!
g: things i am excited to fill my days with!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

veiled

today i find myself thinking of veils. veils that cover brides and veils that cover tears. veils that hide faces. veils that protect and veils that evade.

today a veil sits down on my joy and barely hides my fear.

d: i long for it to be lifted.
b: i'm barely visible through it.
g: veils permit light.

Monday, August 3, 2009

appetite

it's funny the things that affect my appetite and the way they do. when i'm very happy, i eat. when i'm very stressed, i eat. but when i'm scared - mind you, fear and stress are different - i don't. in fact, food is the last thing i think about. and when i'm sad, i don't.

i've been eating like a horse the past six months or so. but lately, nothing.

on the bright side, i'm down five pounds.

d: an appetite.
b: 5 down, 5 to go!
g: sad movies to disguise the tears.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

megaholic

yesterday mega and i met up with zeus and his owner amanda. zeus and amanda are to credit with putting me in touch with betsy, the cav breeder, and zeus and mega are half-brother and sister, sharing the same father. he's about four months older than mega and though they just met; they were fast friends. or rather, family.

i wondered if they could tell how much alike they look or that they were the same breed or from the same family. i wondered if there was any instinctive tie between them or it was just their puppy natures that bound them together so easily.

my weekend has been consumed with puppy-love in fact. yesterday she visited her (new) vet for the first time and was given a perfect bill of health. every genetic checkpoint she passed with flying colors. (thank you betsy!)

and we've been taking lots and lots of walks where she's totally mastered the leash now. no pulling, no crossing, no dallying. it's a dream. today we practiced heeling off-leash. and of course, sit, stay and down. she's a prodigy i tell you, a prodigy.

yesterday her registration papers came and she even got a laminated card that looks like a driver's license - complete with a photo. she's licensed to...umm...

i've been reading cesar millan's book (the dog whisperer guy) and i'm mindful to keep her in line as a dog and all that; so i never expected that i'd be as ridiculously attached to her as i am. today when i went to the farmer's market and left her at home for a couple of hours i missed her. really, i did. (i know - she's not a person, i know. but still.)

tonight, while i was cooking dinner and grilling she ventured off to other parts of the house and then the yard, independently. and i texted to haley that i felt like an empty-nester. how can it be? she's only been home for two weeks?! no, she can't leave yet!

so, i'm admitting it. my codependency has reached a new height, now encompassing my sweet, sweet mega. luckily for me, it seems to be mutual and she's securely placed under my left arm sound asleep.

d: the boys to learn their pack leader roles this week.
b: a prodigy i tell you - a prodigy!
g: very, very healthy puppy!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

awry

Let your love be disgraceful, crazy and wild.
If you're too holy and careful God will escape you.


this quote is all over the internet today; blogs, twitter, facebook; attributed to rumi. and i like the passage. but when i read it, i have a hard time putting the two lines together and that didn't seem like rumi to me.. most of his poems and writings make sense to me. so, i did a quick study on it. (ie. i typed it into google.)

as far as i can tell, and admittedly this is based on a very brief internet search, the closest thing i can legitimately find traced back to rumi is:


Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober will worry about events going badly.
Let the lover be.

and that makes sense to me. it fits right in with my general state of mind.

i'll take it one step further though - i say, may everyone find love as i have. may everyone be as justifiably crazy, absent-minded and disgraceful as i am. and can we all just let each other be?

and as for the bastardized quote that's floating around the web? i guess that second half must have gotten tacked on there by someone and it stuck. i'll refrain from commentary on it. it sounds like something for someone sober to worry about.

d: tweet this: Let the lover be.
b: my crazy is justifiable.
g: a rumi awry led to a rumi a-right.