decaffeinated

the other day i went into a coffee shop in the early evening and ordered a cup of decaf. the girl told me that they don't make decaf after noon, so i'd have to wait.

umm.

does that sound backwards to anyone besides me? seems to me that decaf would be more important for folks in the afternoon and evening when they may perhaps want to sleep at bedtime. and caffeinated in the morning when they want to wake up.

at any rate, i waited my three and a half minutes and had a cup of decaf. over the past couple of months i've fully weaned myself off of caffeinated coffee and in effect, caffeine of all forms in my diet. i don't miss it at all.

after my disappointing endocrinology experiment, i decided that i owed my body more trust. and in that decision, i vowed to scrutinize my diet for the corruptors. anyone that knows me, knows i am already fairly anal about what i eat. i read labels and i pore over nutritionals and i only buy meat and dairy that are organic, just for a start.

but with the information that my body is a perfect specimen of health, with the exception of my mind-inflicted ailments, trivial things such as headaches and occasional indigestion (and significantly pms) started to make me curious about their cause.

i think i've already noted in another blog that adding calcium and magnesium supplements, combined with the elimination of caffeine, have practically eliminated my pms. but in addition, i've found culprits at the bottom of the ingredient panel that cause my body these other minor symptoms.

for example, soy. it upsets my stomach. you'd think i may have noticed this before, but for the longest time i just thought it was concentrated forms like soy sauce or edamame. but on closer examination, i notice that if i eat anything with soy as an ingredient i'm guaranteed to feel uncomfortable. (and that's not even an artificial ingredient!)

and that headache i always get after chinese food? yep, msg. it's a splitting pain and sometimes leads to migraines, so i am careful to specify 'no msg' when i can. but i've suffered with chronic headaches for years. minor usually, but nearly daily. and now that i'm looking for links everywhere, i'm finding msg in things i assumed were safe to use. like my mother's favorite greek seasoning mix. or worcestershire sauce. (oh and be warned - there are lots of names for that nasty stuff. it's not always monosodium glutamate. best to avoid all glutamates, i've found.)

and so it goes. alcohol - out. caffeine - out. soy - out. glutamates - out. artificial sweeteners - out. one at a time...cleaner every day.

so, today when i got a call from the sleep center saying that my overnight study was totally normal and my daytime study showed only 'excessive sleepiness', it put me into my sherlock holmes role again. i wasn't surprised to get those results of course because the sleep study was such a joke to me. but if, by chance, their findings are correct then it begs the question of why the hell i'm sleepy all the time.

i guess i'll take a closer look at my diet. but even more than that, i think i have to go back to the mind body connection i know exists. if my body wants to sleep (perchance to dream) then my mind must be driving that need.

i've read of many famous inventors and artists whose greatest inspirations came during sleep and dreams. i don't know why i'm so prone to sleeping through my days, but i trust that the answer will come. perhaps in a dream.

d: inspiration and revelation in my sleep
b: my system is clean. clean as a whistle.
g: i can trust my body.

joy

photo by renee lewis

todd said that all he really wanted for christmas was for everyone to be happy. and all it would take for him to be happy was rock band under the tree. (just kidding about that part.)

he got what he wanted.

we had simply the best christmas ever. wonderful, heartfelt gifts to and from each other. warm thank you's, even between the boys. and so much love and joy that i was sad to see them go when they left for their dad's around lunchtime.

christmas seems to just keep on coming though. the boys are gone and haley and i are giving each other the gift of ourselves this week. time together unstructured, unbound, and refreshingly alone. today we saw a movie at 11 in the morning and then spent two hours at the gym. we ate breakfast at 10, lunch at 5, and dinner at 9.

we're lucky enough to spend lots of time together every day, but time like this where the only burning time-related question is 'what day of the week is it?' is a precious gift. a very happy gift.

but back to todd. he's the least materialistic child i've ever met. christmas rolls around and he can't think of a single thing he wants. same with his birthday. he has hundreds of dollars of savings, readily at his disposal, and he never feels the urge to spend it. when he does express interest in anything at all material, i send out a press release and gift-givers practically arm wrestle for buying rights.

(note: this is not a case of him being spoiled. i only buy toys for the boys on appropriate gift holidays - ie birthday, christmas. otherwise they are on their own with allowance and other earned income.)

so, this year his request for family happiness and harmony wasn't out of character. and for that i am both proud and grateful.

d: todd's sensitivity celebrated and emulated.
b: i'm still enjoying todd's christmas present.
g: a son who recognizes the precious gift of joy.

monster

-photo by renee lewis

something to behold.
that's what she said when we were falling in love.
something to behold.
that's what i think every morning i wake up to remember she's really mine.

bigger than the monster?
we hope so, she said today.
bigger than the monster?
immeasurably bigger, i firmly believe.

today my grandmother told me about her sister and her husband who just celebrated their 69th wedding anniversary. i can't imagine the monsters they slayed and the monsters they outran. i wonder what their secret weapon has been.

i suspect it's something to behold.

d: a monster slaying weapon.
b: i have the inside scoop on what it is.
g: something worth fighting for.

latent

like any good obsessive-compulsive person, i've taken the time over the past week or so to study all the potential implications of how my sleep study transpired. and the words that keep showing up are 'sleep latency.'

according to the dictionary, latent means present but not actualized or remaining in a hidden phase. when you pair that with sleep it suggests that the sandman is lurking behind every corner, just waiting for the first opportunity to club you over the head.

in those minutes before most people fall asleep they may feel an irresistible droop in their eyelids, a tugging from the unconscious to drift off. but i feel that pull all the time. from the minute i wake up until i go to bed, and i think this must be the textbook definition of low sleep latency.

yesterday i took the wakefulness medicine i was given in order to safely drive to arkansas without stopping for a nap or taking mini-naps as i drove. (although mega demonstrated her willingness to take the wheel, i thought it best that i supervise, after all she doesn't have her license.) dosing with continuous advil, i was able to keep the side effect headache at bay and my eyelids were miraculously light.

though i'm resistant to taking prescription medications on a regular basis, i'm reluctantly forced to admit that not having to fight sleep over a 10 hour drive made the trip immeasurably more fun. and in all those wide awake hours, i had the time to ponder the idea of latency. surely sleep isn't the only latency i'm fighting... or maybe simply 'not allowing'. maybe i have a latent super power!

perhaps the next time i'm artificially super-awake, i'll be able to discover it... but right now i'm due for a nap..

d: latent super powers revealed
b: made record time on our drive, including puppy and human breaks
g: wakefulness medication provided for hours of conversation with todd

tag

last week haley and i were at our favorite thrift store - or one of them, at least - in search of a christmas tree stand for the second tree. after locating the only tree stand in the mega-size thrift store, and pleading with the barely-articulate-employee to replace the price tag and forgo the 24-hour hold for 'missing price stickers', my zeal for the deal led me to the handbag section.

i sorted through a couple of functional purses for excellent prices and then caught glimpse of a gucci stamped on a purse behind the counter. it was brown leather and hidden by several other bags, but i asked to take a closer look.

when they pulled it off the rack it proved to be a very cool, cylindrical leather gucci bag. and the most amazing part - only $8.96. vision blurred by the score on the tree stand, i could still make out the imprint on the side of the bag.

stamped 'gucci' and underneath: 'made in italy'

sold!

i proudly marched out of the goodwill, immediately transferred my wallet, camera and phone and marveled at my good luck. i mean - this purse was the bomb. and to find it for less than nine dollars - wow. i mean, how often does this happen??

the next day haley and i had the idea to check ebay and see if we could identify its 'true market value'. we searched through hundreds of brown gucci bags.. and didn't see anything remotely similar. though that didn't raise any flags - because it could very well have been in a closet for years before finding its way to the goodwill shelf - i did see some purse descriptions that made me take a closer look.

imagine my surprise when i opened it up to check the signature inner label and instead of finding the gucci name imprinted there, i saw a white paper tag in the seam instead.

hmm.

the next day i found myself wandering into the handbag section of some retail stores where i was christmas shopping. looking at bags with labels. expensive labels.

i fell in love with two... a lucky bag and a joe's jeans bag. the latter made its way home with me, because i could hardly get my head out of it, deeply inhaling the delicious scent of real italian leather.

today luke said, "you got another new purse, mommy?" and i said, "yes, but this one is real. it came with tags."

and todd chimed in, "the gucci had a tag too. it said, 'made in china.'"

d: watching and waiting the ebay auction i found on the lucky bag.
b: i have a fabulous new handbag: christmas present to myself.
g: i know my geography and italy is not located in china.

presence

tonight i almost found myself going to bed and wishing i'd had time to write for the second night in a row. but no - i won't do that. so despite the freezing temperatures outside, i retrieved my laptop from the car and now i'm curled up in bed with mega and my keyboard.

i'm fully immersed in christmas, both preparation and celebration. we put up a second tree in the sitting room off my bedroom and decorated it completely differently than the main tree in the living room - bright colors, silly, and even gaudy ornaments. i've got christmas lights across the headboard of my king size bed and my bedroom floor is a cross between a gym and santa's workshop. ribbons and weights, wrapping paper and medicine balls, scissors and a bosu trainer, scotch tape and a body ball - you get the picture. hazardous doesn't even begin to cover it.

but i love it.

after i took mega out tonight for her last time, i sat down at todd's computer briefly to look at something. (this was before i braved the cold for my own computer.) his screen was filled with warcraft. (not real war, i mean world of warcraft, the game.) when i see the gaming websites pulled up on his page, the screenshots on his background or his homepage he's set to a game related site, it takes me back for a second.

yes, i admit it, i was briefly an online gamer. i played for about a year.. and quit playing about a year ago. it was very fun. i played with the boys and i played with strangers; and a fair number of the strangers became friends over time. but mostly i played to escape.

so when i walk up and see the game on todd's computer and feel no draw, no interest at all in getting reinvolved, it tells me something.

it's no coincidence that the time in my life when i became suddenly sick coincides with the year i disappeared into my computer screen. and it's no coincidence that when i started taking care of my body and mind, i reemerged.

mind bodymindbody mindbody mindbodymindbodymindbody... connection is an understatement.

but now - i don't want to escape! in fact, the life i live i can't get enough of. i definitely don't want any less. i don't want to miss a thing.

and my christmas theme speaks to that. somehow i often have a theme that runs through my gift giving.. last year, it was books. i was putting reading and writing back into priority in my own life and i gave everyone on my christmas list books that i selected for them, with accompanying letters explaining my choices.

this year, i have a different theme.. (though i did love book-giving and will definitely revisit it!) i don't want to say what it is, because there are still 9 days till christmas after all. but i will say that it's something i couldn't give if i weren't fully present.

a present of presence, as it were.

d: presence with my family over the holidays
b: present in my life
g: presence of my family and my haley

insomnolepsy

well, i completed my nap test in record time. four naps rather than the standard five. so either i blew them away with my capacity for sleep or i demonstrated a wakefulness that i don't normally possess. and strangely enough, i have no idea which was the case.

after spending a night connected to a dozen electrodes placed across my face, chest, legs and scalp, with wires coming out of my hair like medusa and two sets of tubes plugging my runny nose, i woke at 5:30 am, minutes before the tech issued my wake-up call. all night i was plagued by dreams of being woken up or conversely of sleeping through planned events. yet, neither happened.

the nap test is a curious animal though. after the overnight test, i was instructed that i'd have to take naps at 7, 9, 11, 1 and 3. in between the naps i was tasked with staying awake, but sedentary. in a recliner. no exercise. no sunlight. no meaningful stimulation of any type. frankly, the perfect conditions for a nap.

i put up a valiant effort to hold my eyes open until designated nap times and then when put into a dark room, in a bed, i experienced my first bouts of insomnia. ever. of course, the nature of narcolepsy is that you fall asleep at inappropriate times. so maybe it shouldn't be that surprising. when i was commanded to 'sleep!' my brain went into overdrive.

once in the bed, you have to perform a series of activities so they can get a baseline brain wave reading before you sleep. it's very soothing, really. blinking, grinding your teeth, moving your eyes in all different directions. doesn't everyone go through these exercises before they doze off?

'you may now take your nap,' the pleasant female voice says over the intercom after i completed the regimen of eye and facial contortions.

'what if i don't sleep enough on this test?' 'what if it takes me too long to fall asleep?' 'what are my brain waves doing now?' 'did i look left when she said to?' 'was i moving my legs when she said be still? is that going to mess up the results?' 'oh nooooo, my time is running out...'

and then, even while those thoughts were racing through my head, alongside a mental marquee scrolling my christmas shopping list, i would drift off. but where i drifted, i couldn't tell you. was it sleep? was it twilight sleep? was it a trance? i definitely don't recall any deep sleep, though i did dream of opening a cabinet and finding a three layer chocolate cake, and sadly that didn't really happen.

after 20 minutes the voice comes over the intercom, 'this nap opportunity has ended. i'll be right in to help you.' ie. disconnect you from the electronic tether to the bed. to add insult to injury, the tech then asks you if you slept. and if so, for how long and did you dream and how long till you fell asleep.

umm, isn't that what all the damn wires are for?
'why don't you tell me?' i wanted to reply.
she recorded my answers but i knew internally she's thinking, 'this idiot. she doesn't even know when she's asleep.'
i'm sure the sole purpose of that questionnaire is for comic relief in the 'control room'. (yes, they really called it that.)

when i told todd about the test the next day, he said, 'mommy, how can they see what normal sleep is like for you when that's not normal at all?'

out of the mouths of babes.

the tech, however, assured me that this test has been in use since the 1940's (though when i researched myself i found it was invented in 1977) and was developed by a pair of renowned stanford sleep scientitsts (this part was correct). it's considered 'the' test for narcolepsy, so there you have it.

of course, i have no results yet. the doctor is on vacation and until he's back in town i'm left to wonder and wait. i figure if the results are negative for narcolepsy, i've at least figured out how to keep myself awake. i'll just need a bed and a dark room nearby at all times.

d: insomnia by day, narcolepsy by night.
b: i dream asleep and awake, and at all stages in between.
g: i was spared the 5th nap, emancipated by haley, and took an unplanned detour to yoforia instead.

dbg

a week between blogs is perhaps reaching a new low in frequency. and tonight i come to my computer with more things to write about than i've had in weeks.. and yet unsure of the words to put around my thoughts and feelings.

so perhaps i'll use a format with which i'm familiar...

d: i desire a holiday as beautiful as the 10-foot, freshly (finally) decorated christmas tree before me. a christmas tree, i might add, that i got for the bargain price of $80 fresh from the grower over the weekend, while visiting my dad in north carolina. note to self: must make that a holiday tradition. economical. environmental. and a bit more festive.

i'm in a peculiar predicament this holiday as my first one without 'vacation time'. as a contractor, i only bill the hours i work and regardless of my intent, there won't be much going on over the holiday to occupy me. it's an inconvenient time to lose income; so i've been working all day, every day this week and extra hours last as well. haley is also off unpaid over the holidays. i imagine we'll be eating at home and playing scrabble for the week between christmas and new years. (accepting all meal and free entertainment invitations.)

b: i won a battle with my body by declaring a truce. i know i've mentioned before the virulent relationship i've had with my hormones. it drove me to a 'renowned' endocrinologist for a blood workup that proved i'm perfectly healthy, save my sudden sleepiness. and then it drove me to look deeper.

as a long time believer in the mind-body connection, i don't know why i'd stubbornly put this in the category of 'it's my body, it's my body, it's my body. it has to be.' but after i heard the $1000 diagnosis of healthy, i had to pause and admit maybe it wasn't.

i don't have any scientific reports on this, but i suspect hormones may in fact be one of the things in our bodies most directly impacted by our minds. so, i set to work fixing what i knew to be sick thinking. i wrote a list of affirmations and intentions around my healthy, whole body. and i've been reading them every day, morning and night. i also made a couple of tweaks to my diet. more calcium. more magnesium. decaf coffee.

and wouldn't you know, this month my period appeared with so little emotional fanfare, the people closest to me couldn't believe it. incidentally, right on time. which is another thing i've been telling myself. that my cycles are irregular. but when i look at a year overall, they are remarkably regular. a couple exceptions, but for good reason, i trust.

and that's the main thing. i realized i wasn't trusting my body. i've had lots of lingering doubt and distrust. fear. and though i love my body and treat it well on the one hand; on the other i sabotage it with criticism and negative thoughts. then ridiculously i'm confused by the results; which are also confused.

so i declared a truce. in fact, more than a truce. i'm adding trust to the love and seeing real results.

g: haley is a reader, a prolific one, and has brought tremendous books to my life. recently she came over with a book of short passages on money and quietly left it on my bedstand. it is a hard back book and had no dust jacket, just a beige cloth cover. she placed it under the other books i'm reading currently and muttered, 'thought this may be something we could both take a look at.'

i didn't so much as pick it up for at least a week or two. in fact, i still haven't, to be technical. but the other night haley was reading it and i was reading over her shoulder. she was just flipping through the short sections and nibbling at the contents and paused on a section called 'cash.'

she's a person that uses cash almost exclusively and i'm a person that uses plastic almost exclusively. reconciling my quicken with the hundreds of check card purchases is an activity that fills me with dread several times a week. the book suggested going cash for a month. if money is energy, and i believe it is, touching the energy and making contact with it has to raise you to its frequency. thereby attracting more of it.

and if not, then at the very least, there's the lovely smell of cash. i can assure you that plastic has no such smell and frequently my frequency drops when i swipe my card and enter my pin. so, in an effort to increase all cash flow this month - and all months - i'm giving it a go. so far, i'm impressed.

of course there's the added awareness due to the 'new' factor, but there's also a greater reluctance to part with cold, hard cash. (believe me - that's a good thing for me.) then there's also a little something else. something i didn't expect or even read of in the book. there's a little bit of pride in purchasing something with cash. it feels like a real energy exchange between me and the person on the other side of the counter. another good thing.

it feels good to lay here and write tonight. it feels right.

d: more writing time.
b: i'm a writer.
g: i have plenty of time.

scales

-photo by renee lewis

this picture was taken in june. though i love many of the pictures taken with renee during our summer shoot, this is one of my very favorites. haley and i had been together only four months at this time and probably our biggest logistic challenge was coordinating wardrobes for pictures.

six months later i find myself driving down the street today, passing expensive, expansive homes, and realizing my distaste for them is directly proportionate to their size. 'why?' i asked myself. only to be met with the reality that i feel my own house is a trap, largely because of its size relative to my needs and resources.

that's nothing new, i've been struggling with that reality for years now. but not only do i feel trapped financially and burdened by square footage and location, there's also my heart...

the scales have tipped. one day at a time i have more and more reasons to go and fewer and fewer to stay. and owing to the F in my meyers-briggs, i admittedly make decisions with my heart rather than my head. so it's taken a hefty contribution on the 'leave' side to tip, but here i am.

with logistic considerations exceeding wardrobe.
with a decision that will make sense to both my heart and my head.
with a scale that has decidedly tipped.

d: the right buyer at the right time and the right price
b: i'm making a thoughtful decision i feel good about.
g: scales overflowing with love.

snow

after my latest reading marathon haley has challenged me to read an epic contemporary classic that's somehow eluded me, fountainhead. with tiny, tiny print and what appears to be over a thousand pages i said i was up for the escape, er i mean challenge. i actually love long books, john irving is one of my favorite authors and is a master of the long novel.

but before i dive into another completely engrossing week of reading, i opted to take a detour with a bill bryson book chronicling his hike of the appalachian trail. a walk in the woods. though i haven't done a bit of backpacking since luke was born, i still consider myself a backpacker. the book is hilarious and poignant and true to the letter of many of my experiences. all in all, a perfect literary diversion. also short. did i mention that? i've sat down with it for exactly two cardio sessions and i'm half-way done.

the weather report says we may get snow on saturday. this is the earliest atlanta would have seen snow in the 11 years i've lived here. i can't imagine it being more than a flaky rain drizzle, what with the temp reaching 40 for a high; but it is an ominous early winter bellwether.

in my early childhood snow was a fairly standard part of winter. northern arkansas. washington, dc. both places saw many white winter days. but as a teen and an adult, i can count on one hand the number of significant snows i've experienced. the first of those being the blizzard (yes, it really was a blizzard. check the almanac if you don't believe me.) of 1993. when i was on the appalachian trail myself. with my best friend marla.

our trip was aborted by the record low temperatures and snow billowing through the trees; but the few short days we were there remain surreal in my memory. the blizzard was just kicking into gear when we were hiking out, but the quiet of the forest in anticipation of the storm shrouded us like a blanket. where we were accustomed to forest sounds and rustling leaves and calling birds, we heard nothing.

it was unlike any backpacking trip i'd experienced before or since.
wind blowing. temperature dropping. pervading stillness before a storm.
though inexperienced, even we could read the signs. could sense the signs.

and so tonight, as i reach for my recreational reading and fill the stillness with words i trust myself to read the signs. to sense the signs. and to trust the signs.

an early snow?
perhaps just a reminder to listen to the quiet.

d: let it snow!
b: i trust the signs.
g: a walk in the woods, soon. very soon.