Tuesday, February 23, 2010

restore

well, it's been a week since i've blogged and i blame it one-hundred percent on the olympics. every night i've been home the boys have adamantly insisted that we are planted in front of the continuous coverage until well beyond their usual bedtimes.

i enjoy watching the events just like they do. but the television on for hours continuously is exhausting. i'm so very thankful that it's not our usual lifestyle. i typically cherish my quiet time at night and as it's evaporated into the black box, i've found myself retreating into a daze. a sleepy daze, despite my usually effective nuvigil. a sleepy daze that's blurring my vision all day long.

in the few lucid moments i've found in my sleepy days, er daze, i've been considering the daze. considering it as an escape mechanism. considering it as a retreat. considering it as a barrier. considering it. and though i've wondered before if my sleepiness was an avoidance mechanism, i find this fogginess despite medication a confirmation.

i've also been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth over the past week. two behaviors i've never done.

over the weekend i found myself on the verge of tears (okay i crossed the verge i admit) over losing things. i can't even quantify the number of things i lost this weekend. and then found. and then lost again.

i'm sure that some sort of hormone swing or lunar phenomenon is partially to blame. i'm sure of it. but since i can't control the moons, i've declined the olympic invitation tonight. after only thirty minutes of nail-biting olympic downhill drama, i sent the boys to bed. even despite luke's aghast cry, 'but mommy, it's the o-limmmm-pics!!!!' and i've closed the door to my bedroom.

every minute that passes in silence, with only the sound of my fingers on the keys, i feel my tension recede. and curiously, though i was yawning uncontrollably an hour ago, i feel my daze retreating.

usually it's words that bring me back to life. words i write. words i read. i've felt myself craving an opportunity to write this week. (i even considered going to the office to do so...a plan aborted after actual contemplation.) and i've got three books that i'm burning to read.

so, i'm writing. and soon i'll be reading. but, i do have to admit, the tv is still on. on mute. and if they ever put the women's figure skating back up, i'll dig the remote out of the couch for it.

d: restoration, quiet restoring words.
b: i know what to do and i'm doing it.
g: the olympics are only two weeks long.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

benefit

benefit of the doubt.

it's a common phrase, frequently used. but i think the full weight of the expression is less frequently considered.

by definition, it admits a doubt. and then, it sets the doubt aside for the moment, and commits to the possibility that it's in error.

truly it's the real life, day-to-day, less-pollyanna, more-heloise, version of glass half-full optimism. and i think it deserves a prominent place in our lives. with children, with coworkers, with friends, with lovers, with family members, even with strangers.

strangers (and maybe some coworkers) aside, because admittedly that's a different proposition, i believe that the people we are closest to deserve the benefit, rather than the handicap, of our doubts.

handicap is the correct antithesis to benefit, isn't it? (my trusty thesaurus says it is.) i think so. because ultimately doubt has the power to handicap, the power to paralyze, the power to destroy, all by itself, without the validation of veracity.

and on the other hand, benefit implies good. literally coming from the root word bene- (latin for well) and closely related to benefaction, benefit is a gift. a gift of kindness. a gift of compassion.

i think it comes naturally to people when they mediate children. certainly i remind my boys of this concept when one bumps into the other, steps on the other's foot, or otherwise maims their brother claiming 'accident!' maybe, maybe not, right? in other words, doubt. but, i say, err on the side of compassion. err on the side of kindness. err on the side of benefit.

after all, doubt can only exist in the absence of understanding and understanding can only exist in the presence of compassion.

d: benefit of the doubt as a rule
b: it is my rule
g: so much benefit in the compassion

Monday, February 15, 2010

glum

at least once every couple of days one of the boys will say, 'mommy, you know she can't talk right?' referring to mega. i still expect her to respond to me when i ask her a question. i mean, she's going on 9 months. shouldn't she be talking by now?

sometimes i have the sensation that i've had a conversation with her and she told me something; but then i realize it was all in my imagination. and i have other bizarre thoughts about her too. like i've thought of what i'll do when she's gone, hopefully many, many years from now; and i'm sure it's not quite normal but i'll admit that i've thought her fur would make a lovely stole.

i guess this makes me one of 'those crazy dog people'. or maybe i'm across the line from 'those' people. oh well. i've been called worse.

[sidenote: i find it amusing that the many of the snowboard olympians wear jeans to compete in. every other sport has some fancy athletic wear, but the snowboarders manage to maintain their rebel image, even in the olympics. funny.]

mega had a hard time with our trip to new york. though i left her with capable, loving dog people she had a good bit of separation anxiety. (haley thought it would be me with that issue, but i fared pretty well in the big apple.) when we got home, mega had a touch of a cold. sneezy and runny nosed thing. but today, i took her to the dog park at our local coffee shop and she played with the big dogs. fearlessly. and now it seems that haley is the one with a cold. sneezy and runny nosed thing.

neither of us get sick often and the abrupt halt to our perpetual motion and togetherness, especially on the tail end of our anniversary vacation, has me experiencing the separation anxiety i dodged on that very trip. she's been laid up since yesterday morning, barely moving from the couch to the bed and back again. so much for valentine's day.

d: return to health for my estranged valentine
b: hand-made valentines for my three (human) loves
g: mega is teaching me coping mechanisms for the separation

Sunday, February 14, 2010

reprise

at breakfast this morning the boys announced excitedly the release of a 'new' song that i absolutely must come watch the video for. so, after i finished my yogurt i sat down in front of luke's computer to watch a seven minute youtube video of 'we are the world'.

i knew i'd heard a familiar melody coming from behind those french doors as i lingered in bed succumbing to sunday morning sleepiness.

the original 'we are the world' came out in 1985, when i was the boys' ages. eleven to be exact. and i remember listening to it on a 45 single, over and over again. and sitting in front of mtv waiting to see the video; they still played videos in the 80's, pre-reality tv.

i loved the song then as much as the boys do now. as they comb the artists' faces in the video, easily paused and rewinded and replayed at their whim on youtube, i remember doing the same at every opportunity.

but here we are, twenty-five years later, and i wonder if we're moving closer together or further apart as a global community. it's winter olympics time and what a fitting time for the re-release of a song about collaboration, i speculated.

but wait, what's this about team america? maybe it's not.

my love for the olympics is mainly about the celebration of accomplishment, the passion of young athletes, the pursuit of dreams. and, i know this will rile some of you nationalists up, but i could give two shits about how many gold medals america takes home. personally, i don't care which nation 'wins more' or 'comes out on top'; i really don't. i love the opportunity, in fact, to celebrate the triumphs of a world of athletes.

and i imagine - hope - that i'm not alone in that sentiment. i just would like to see the world more aligned in celebrating each others' national triumphs and aiding in their trials, a little more often than every 25 years. so much focus on what makes us all different, and establishing a hierarchy of power, drains and saddens me.

d: may the olympic spirit transcend and the musical reprise resonate.
b: i am a proud citizen of the world.
g: a world diverse in culture, religion, geography and people.

Friday, February 12, 2010

impatient

well, i suppose we got the snow i was asking for. the boys were disappointed it didn't make it here before school, but never mind that, after school worked just fine. both of them went through a couple pairs of pants, gloves, jackets, and hats. all of which are in the dryer as i type.

mega absolutely loved the snow. her first triumphant bound into the great white unknown took her head first into the fish pond, which wasn't quite frozen despite the snow laying on the surface. she was a trooper though and swam across the pond where i scooped her out. and then, she turned to the snowy grass and ran out into it, frolicking as though she hadn't just been dipped in an ice bath.

she loved the snow so much in fact that when i brought her in the house, she sat at the door whining to go back out. i can't tell you how excited that makes me for her late night potty trip before bed and even more thrilled about her 7 am trip. tromping into the nearly six inches of snow to retrieve her in my bathrobe isn't exactly how i want to wake up on a saturday morning. maybe she'll return quickly of her own accord. i'll cross my fingers.

the snow didn't trap us here all day, since it arrived late in the afternoon; but it did provide a natural barrier for tonight. and as luke and i threw snowballs at each other, it brought to mind 'laughter is the best medicine'. particularly when the ailment is in the heart. he seemed better tonight.

the boys and i played monopoly in front of the olympic opening ceremony tonight and i only wanted for one thing. haley. she's at work just like most every friday night, (though i can't imagine who is out to eat in this weather); and even more than most fridays i wish she were here, snowed in with us.

most of the time, i am fairly content with the flow of our time together and apart. we have much more of the former than the latter, especially considering we live in two homes, in different parts of town. i know that one day it will be different and to our credit, we're both patient enough and willing enough to do what we must until then.

except sometimes i'm impatient. and tonight, snowed in in the suburbs, is one of those times.
impatient for communication.
impatient for attention.
impatient for access.
impatient for companionship.
impatient for bedtime cuddles.
impatient for dawn.
just generally impatient.

*deep sigh*

when i turned off all the lights downstairs and summoned mega up to bed, i took a double-take at the back yard. it was so bright, i thought i must have left the floodlights on. but no.. just the snow's glow. it manages to reflect every particle of light, illuminating the entire neighborhood as though each house had its own private full moon.

and i'm reminded that there's light even when i'm impatient for dawn. there's medicine in laughter. and it's just a season...

d: laughter through the weekend
b: i'm replacing my impatience with gratitude
g: the light is so bright...the yard isn't the only thing glowing

Thursday, February 11, 2010

hugs

monday afternoon, while shopping in new york, i got a phone call from todd. he was dismissive about my probings into his day at school because he said he had something to tell me. the story he told me, of the night before, was disturbing. his tears in the retelling broke my heart. i found a chair in the shop and sat listening, tears in my eyes to match his.

the story was one of careless words spoken under the influence and my boys on the receiving end. i heard fear and confusion and pain. and i wanted more than anything in the world to be able to wrap my arms around them both and make it better.

but i couldn't. and even now, home with my boys, i can't seem to find the right words for the situation. how can i explain that though nothing can excuse the behavior, the words were from a bottle and not a mind? or should i? i don't even know. i just find myself saying over and over, 'i'm so sorry this happened and you are hurting' and holding them in long hugs.

tonight luke stood in the shower, behind a locked door, crying. when i went to him, he said it was my fault, for going to new york. i know he doesn't really think that. he's just crushed and doesn't know where to put it. he laid his wet head against me for a hug, still in the shower, water running down his body, and cried, 'it doesn't matter if he didn't mean it. he still said it.'

and i'm at a loss myself. i hear the three c's of alanon banging up against my maternal instinct to protect my children and i feel helpless.

the weather gurus are all predicting a heavy snow tomorrow in atlanta. by 'heavy' i mean a few inches. it really only takes a dusting to shut things down, so one to three inches may as well be one to two feet. truly, the city doesn't own snow plows; so when snow does fall, if it needs to be moved, they use a road grader. (job security for the pothole posse, at least.)

if it comes as expected, we'll be snowed in. no school and considering my tires resemble the michelin man's head, i will probably opt not to do much, if any driving.

snowed in.

in some ways, i welcome that. perhaps a layer of snow between us and the outside world will insulate our family. perhaps it will allow the healing to begin. perhaps the pristine, white, wonder world of snow can magically transform my boys' pain.


as certainly as they are both dreaming of a school cancellation; i can dream too, right?

d: snow angels of healing
b: though words may fail me, my hugs help.. i hope.
g: my own experience as it avails my compassion

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

blockbuster

this is the first photo i can put my hands on of us together. it was one taken on my old blackberry and then forwarded to my email. it was march 14th, 2009. since then we've taken hundreds, from camera to video to phone to professional, but the most vivid pictures are still the ones i have in my memory.

today marks a year since our first date.
365 days.
52 weeks.
a full cycle of the seasons; with winter seemingly getting the lion's share. (thanks to a late snow last year and the coldest winter ever this year, not to mention the icy temperatures still fresh in my memory from new york.)
every holiday, exactly one time.

the numbers seem so inadequate to capture all that we've built and celebrated and felt. the enormity of what the year has brought into my life is so much larger than what would fit on a calendar. and yet, somehow there's still a newness too.


a newness that catches me off guard at times. an unexpected shyness. an important childhood story yet untold. an article of clothing first worn. and then this. and then that. and every time i am both surprised and excited and reminded of this night a year ago and the butterflies i felt with each piece of her self revealed to me.

i've always been a person that loves movies and especially the trailers for them. i used to have a notepad in my purse where i'd scrawl, mostly illegibly in the low light, movies that looked worth seeing judging by the previews. then when the names were all but lost in my poor memory, i'd at least have the written evidence that at one time i thought they might be good.

this year is but a preview of the life haley and i are beginning together. and by the looks of it, it's a blockbuster. i'm sure of it.

d: my leading lady home from work.
b: our preview has been riveting!
g: i just heard the front door open...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

niceto

though at least one person advised, 'don't waste your time shopping in new york' haley and i fully ignored that advice. having visited several times before on business and never having had time to even brush the doorsteps of new york's stores and boutiques, there was much distance to cover. and haley? well, i love shopping. i do. but i'll admit that haley can shop me under the table. (and that's saying something.) so, new york without shopping? puh-leeze.

and so we spent at least half of our time - maybe more - doing just that, in fact. and though we didn't come home with armloads of new things, we did each find a few treasures that we love. but even more importantly, we know where to go next time! we found our sweet spots and we've already outlined our shopping strategy for new york, round two.

yesterday afternoon, our last opportunity to shop, we went to chelsea. though there weren't many stores with women's clothes, we did happen across a good will. a thrift store in new york city! score! it actually was quite small, but i did pick up a very cool mark ecko sweater. it's grey with a zipper up the front and the pockets and zippers are detailed with leather trim. it was just a few dollars, so i scooped it up.

tonight i took the plastic bag out of my suitcase and tried it on. i hadn't fully decided if i'd give it to todd or keep it for myself. it's fairly androgenous and would probably fit us both. but once i put it on, it was mine. it looked like it was made for me. i can see it becoming a wardrobe favorite in no time.

as i examined it, specifically i was looking for washing instructions, i noticed that it had a dry cleaning tag still attached to the label. it had a new york phone number and a name.

niceto festin

not exactly a common name so i read it a few times before i decided that's actually what it was. 'is this a street name?' 'is it part of a drycleaner's name?' and then, of course, i googled it. (that's what you do, right?)

turns out, niceto festin was a broadway wannabe. originally from seattle, he was active in the theater up there and then made a move to new york city. he landed a role in an off-broadway show in 2002 and then a couple of years later, put out a cd of cabaret music called 'loving that man'. he launched his cd over pride weekend in 2004 at a benefit party for an organization that aids performing artists without health insurance, specifically for the treatment of hiv. (did i mention niceto is gay?) no internet presence of any kind since that cd launch. i hope he's happily occupied doing something he loves with the man who inspired the cd.

i bought a great jacket in new york. i love it and i know i'll get a lot of use out of it. i also picked up a scarf that is so soft i want to wear it as a toga and so beautiful i want to hang it on the wall. and the deal of the weekend was on this delicious blue and black buffalo sweater. originally $118. i paid $17 and change.

but, when i look at the few things i brought home from the city, niceto's sweater has a sweet significance.

nice to.
nice to be here.
nice to meet you.

though not my first time in new york, it was definitely my first time meeting new york.

haley said that she's always heard people say visiting new york does one of two things. either it makes you want to live there; or it makes you grateful that you don't.

tonight, laying in my bed, i feel a million miles from where i woke up on 50th street. and i can relate to what she heard.

kinda.

i feel both.

d: new york, round two
b: shopping success in the city
g: stories in the seams

gloria

when i gave haley tickets to new york for christmas we both went into super-savings mode for the trip. not only was it a month after christmas, but also coincided with our anniversary (not coincidentally), valentines and the likelihood of a january slump in the restaurant industry (affecting us both). that being said, we both left for new york with a comfortable, though not extravagant, spending budget.

we scored a great rate on a hotel through a discount booking site of just over a hundred bucks a night. of course, it was the smallest room they had, but we weren't planning to spend much time there awake anyway. it appeared to be clean from the pictures and reviews we saw and the location was perfect. a block from the metro and walking distance to almost everything in midtown. (okay, a long walk to some places, but really, very central.)

when our cab pulled up to the hotel on friday, i was relieved to see it flanked by established and upscale hotels and shops. haley and i rushed the counter, a little wrinkled from the plane, but excited and ready. a friendly middle-aged black woman greeted us and began the check-in process.
we were there a couple hours before the official check in time, so we offered to come back later if our room wasn't ready. she offered us one on the second floor but then wrinkled her nose when haley asked if it had a view. she said, 'hmm, you should wait.. we'll get you a better view in a little while.'

but then she saw that our reservation only came through to their computer system for one night, rather than the two we had booked. i had a confirmation showing otherwise, but before i could dig it out of my email inbox she reassured us that she would extend it. and then she said, 'and since you're staying a second night i'm going to put you in a nicer room... ' and then she leaned over the counter a little and said, conspiratorially, 'it's a suite' and smiled at us.

'really? a suite?! thank you so much!' we chorused.
'well, you were sweet...' she replied.

when i was 18, i got my first car. a grey chevy nova. as it represented and provided freedom and independence for me, i named it 'gloria' to express my gratitude. it's the only car i've ever named.

as i took the room keys from our new friend at the hotel, i noticed her name tag: Gloria. how fitting, i thought, as i was filled with gratitude again. our room rocked. it was not only huge, but also had a full kitchen. we didn't eat a single breakfast out all weekend.

gloria.

after we deposited our luggage in the suite, we left for the metro station. before we got there, we were intercepted by a woman on her way out of town. she gave us her metrocard, with unlimited trips for another day and a half.

gloria.

sunday after we visited moma, we wanted to see a show on broadway. we didn't have tickets, but i'd heard that some theaters had opened their lotteries up to the public. so we hoofed it over to the booth theater to see what the lottery details were for 'next to normal.' it was 5:27 and the lottery opened at 5:30 for the 7:30 show. at 6 o'clock they drew names to give 26 tickets out to lottery winners for $25 each. haley's name was the seventh name called. incidentally, mine was called out too, but i passed since she already had our tickets.

fourth row. center orchestra. $25 each. a truly amazing show.

gloria.

and so our trip went. one gift of abundance after another.

d: may the lottery winning continue
b: centered in the flow of abundance
g: the big apple served up sweet and juicy

Sunday, February 7, 2010

pack

on the street the people of new york move in packs created by the
timing of the walk signals. yet these packs move at a speed more akin
to an olympic speed skating team than a pack of mules. perhaps it's
because the air temperature is in the 20's, never mind the wind.

i don't think so though.

for one thing, Iive found in the past couple of days that the
easiest way to pick a native out of the crowd is to look for the most
under dressed person. my brother stood on the sidewalk tonight talking
to us in a hoodie and a t-shirt, similar in weight to my fall, porch-
sitting attire. in georgia. haley pointed out that while she was
shivering in her long johns, long sleeve shirt, down coat, gloves, and
hat, he didn't even seem aware of the temperature.

and the other reason i don't suspect the winter weather is the pace
setter is because i've been here in the summer.

the pack moves just as fast then.

i believe instead that the sidewalk speed is simply an indicator of
the energy level in new york. in a city with as much packed between
two sequential streets as atlanta has in the entirety of its few
walking-shopping zones combined, you would have to go fast to even
scratch the surface.

and yet i wonder how many new yorkers are endeavoring to scratch the
surface. the endless pursuit of the next walk signal could blur the
scenery.

d: a pace outside the pack
b: i'm scratching the surface
g: still two more days!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

subway

a young black man in work pants splattered with paint enters the
train. i say to haley, 'what's that furry thing he's holding under
his coat?' she tries to get a glimpse as he passes but he's
positioning himself in the center of the car to make an announcement.
'i'm a struggling opera singer trying to make ends meet. if you hear
anything you like and can spare some change, i would much appreciate
it.' he opens his jacket and pulls out a brown fleecy bag of change
which he holds open during his performance. 'this is tchaikovsky.'

a tired older woman leans her head against the tall rails bordering
the subway car doors. it's 6 o'clock on friday on the northbound
train. i look down to make sure my feet are securely planted before
the train jerks to a stop; and as people shift to deboard i see her
hand stretching through the rails and being held tenderly by a grey,
aged man, slightly stooped to reach his wife's hand.

there are two boys in the corner of the car. they remind me of my own.
brothers with warm winter coats and backpacks, though no apparent
guardian alongside they are fully at ease on the metro. the older one
is probably todd's age, 12, and the other maybe a little younger than
luke. they are play fighting in a very familiar way and a maternal
warmth fills me.

just a few glimpses from the day. just a few of the reasons i love
this city so.

d: more city, more city, more city till i burst
b: inspired to write so strongly I'm doing it from my phone
g: stories everywhere i look

Thursday, February 4, 2010

perfect

i've had the weirdest day. really. i don't know if the moon is to blame or the cold rainy weather, but something about today set me off on the wrong foot and i haven't gotten my footing yet. and now, it's bedtime, so i'm throwing in the towel.

after i write. because i tried retail therapy, i tried talk therapy, i tried sugar therapy, i tried exercise therapy and pretty much that leaves only writing and sleep. (my money is on the latter, but i'm willing to exhaust all possibilities.)

in the morning haley and i are leaving for new york city. she's never been and i haven't been for fun; so we're going to explore and play and explore some more. and did i mention freeze? that too. i've been so excited and impatient for it to be here, but now that it's the day, er night, before i'm swirling with anxiety about it.

i don't generally have anxiety about travel. i'm good with planes, trains and automobiles; so to speak. but what i'm not good with is expectation and hype. and i think that's where my trouble lies.

i liken this to the new year's eve phenomenon. there's always so much build up and anticipation and count down. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6... but unless you are in fact standing in times square, it really never delivers on the promise. it's just another tick tock and then a new year. and i always, and i do mean always, find myself promising to expect less from new year's eve. the best ones i can recall were the ones where i was home and did nothing. then my reality met my expectation at least.

and so, i think that today was some of that same thing going on. i left the house this morning for the office, planning to only stop in and then head to the gym. all total i'd be done by the time the boys got home from school, as it was an early release day. then i could pack. hang out. relax.

but instead, i went to the office as planned and then hit a procrastination detour that added about three hours to my morning. oh, make that afternoon. what was the detour, you ask? oh. nothing at all. just ambivalence about what gym to go to. what route to take. what to wear. oh! what to wear? that means, i must need to stop and do some shopping. (never mind that i was already wearing my gym clothes.) a couple of stores and a pit stop at home later... i made it to the gym.

all told, this put me back at home to begin my packing, after making a very late lunch, around 5 o'clock. but it isn't so much the procrastination, because that's sort of my MO (i enjoy the pressure it provides); the thing that was unusual was my mood. i felt fragile and scattered, rather than energetic and frenzied. (and i do mean fragile. for example, i broke into tears twice when discussing the upcoming separation from mega.)

i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over what to wear.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over what shoes to bring.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over the weather.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over entertainment options.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over what i don't yet know to agonize about.

no. i didn't.
i procrastinated instead. i distracted myself with anything. and then with something else.

but i do want everything to be perfect. and so i was a bundle of nerves all day.

deep sigh.

it's bedtime now. and i'm going to wake up with a different point of view.

because i'm sure i didn't pack perfectly. i'm sure the weather won't be flawless. the travel probably will have a few hiccups. i'm sure we'll get lost at some point. and no doubt we'll eat some foods we wish we hadn't.

but... me and haley in new york. it doesn't get much more perfect than that.

d: anxiety-quieting sleep
b: i'm 99% packed and will get more than 6 hours of sleep.
g: vacation awaits!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

daffodils

-photo by renee lewis

as i stood on the haley's back porch this morning watching the five dogs, i noticed that the air felt almost spring like. i know it's only february 3rd and i didn't check, but i assume the groundhog yesterday gave some omen that winter is going to last forever (because i wish for the opposite) but - nevermind that - it still felt spring like. there was a chill in the air, but the sun was warm. i even heard some birds.

and as i stood there, looking around the yard, i noticed something unexpected. i think it's fair to say that the yard on selman street is still in pre-renovation status. most of the brush and construction debris have been removed, but the grass and landscaping are still at very early planning stages (and i do mean very early).

but today, i noticed a line through the middle of the yard. a line that went from the bottom of the stairs all the way to the back fence, disecting the yard in two, passing under a plastic table and between two chairs. it was a line about five inches wide and formed by the green stalks of daffodils pushing up through the soil.

spring indeed.

in a yard without grass it was perhaps even more startling, but even in my own garden i am always caught off guard by the first emerging stalks. i popped back into the kitchen and announced the incoming oracles of spring to haley and her sister. the daffodils seem to follow a former stone path through the yard and that makes my mind wander.

the past path faded into history. a bulb hidden underground. growing. multiplying. gaining strength. preparing through the bleak winter. (ok, not so bleak. but pretty damn cold to a southern girl.) and then, through the cool of a frosty night into the warmth of a spring-like day emerging fresh and strong. ready to share their beauty. ready to brighten an otherwise barren expanse. ready to show the fruit of so many cold winters.

i can relate to that.

daffodils naturalize too. that's one of the reasons i've always appreciated them so. over time, in the right place, with the right amounts of nourishment, the fruit of the bulb multiplies. (well, technically the bulb divides in two, then three, etcetera; but give me some poetic license here.)

it's been a year since haley and i were first emerging from our respective cold winters to find each other. a year ago we were tentatively pushing through the layers, reaching for the warmth of our spring.

and now.. like the daffodils...our fruit has grown. multiplied. and emerged.


yesterday, haley and i had lunch at our favorite chinese restaurant. we are regulars, order the same thing each time, sit together on one side of the booth, and always marvel at the diverse crowd that we observe there. the restaurant was fairly empty yesterday, but when we got up to leave we passed a solitary middle-aged white man in a booth a few away from ours. he was facing us, but honestly, i hadn't noticed him at all. he looked like anyone's dad, or a young grandparent.

as we left and passed his booth, he looked at us and said, 'you two look sweet together. you are a very sweet couple... i just wanted to tell you that.' we thanked him politely and left hand in hand.

that happened a lot when we were first falling in love. i'm happy to know our flowers are still strong and bright.

d: daffodils by the armful
b: a bloom of love, still fresh and new
g: naturalizing naturally

Monday, February 1, 2010

asset

-photo by renee lewis


it remains to be seen how my own ebay venture turns out, but luke, on the other hand, has mastered it. clearing well over $100 in less than a week, he's practically an expert i'd say.

i wrote not long ago about his need for quick cash - quick only because everything he wants, he wants immediately - and i spared you 'the rest of the story', in which his anquish over the money-making process drove me to the brink of insanity. but now that he has the money in hand, or close at hand at least, he's entered a new phase of torture. now he's tortured about choosing the right item on which to spend it. at the moment, there are two up for consideration; and he's leaning one way and then the other on the hour.

i waffle between amusement, confusion, and irritation over his process but net out usually at curiosity. curious how he and todd are so markedly different in this way and yet both children of mine. admittedly luke gets the obsessive gene and the thrill of the spend trait from me. but the anguish and unrelenting fervor with which he pursues what he wants is frightening. i think perhaps it's me untempered by responsibility and less distractable ("oh look, something pretty!") that i see manifested in luke when it comes to shopping.

but maybe not just responsibility; maybe also an appreciation for things that don't have a price tag. i worry that's what he's lacking and i feel a burden to try and impart that to him.

on the other hand, luke is the connector in the family. or at the very least, the most connected. he is never out of touch. last night haley and i were at jackie's birthday dinner at a restaurant, todd and luke home with a sitter. i get a text: 'how's it going?' i reply, 'great.. love you.' and he writes back, 'i love you too.' no agenda. just a connection. i get calls from him regularly when he's away at his dad's. just to see how i'm doing. what i'm up to. if i'm having a good weekend. when the ice hit atlanta a few weeks ago, i got a text from him that said, 'be careful driving mommy.'

so i know luke has a soft side. i'm one of the lucky few that are privy to it. i just wish he knew that it was in fact his most valuable asset.

d: may his tenderness temper his fervor in the pursuit.
b: my son is an ebay power seller.
g: luke believes in abundance and centers himself in it.