a little over a year ago, i developed a severe pain in my right hip. well, actually in both hips, but more so on the right. it mainly seemed to appear after running and actually served as a pretty powerful deterrent to that end. i've never been a big long distance runner, but i did run a few miles at a time, a few times a week, pretty regularly for a while there. and then i discovered spin and fell in love with it.
my running was replaced with spin and, as i'm prone to do, i jumped in headfirst, fully immersing myself in five classes a week. which didn't leave much time in my cardio plan for running. oh well, no big loss. or so i thought.
after about six months (or more?) of spinning four to five times a week, one day i hopped on the treadmill. it wasn't hard to bang out a couple of miles and i remember patting myself on the back, thinking that spin hadn't ruined me for everything else. (i'm fully aware of the importance of variety in an exercise routine after all.)
until the next morning.
when i could barely walk.
suddenly i was 110 years old with a bum hip.
i immediately assumed that i'd developed some sort of muscular imbalance from spinning so long and that more running would rebuild and remedy the issue. but it didn't turn out to be that simple. after running more and spinning less for a while, i saw a sports medicine doctor. and a physical therapist. neither were clear what the issue was, but i learned some stretches and exercises that i could do to try and help. long story short - it would have taken much more time than i was willing to commit to try and find the elusive cure.
however, the best thing the PT gave me was a transdermal anti-inflammatory patch to stick on my hip, called flector. that thing was amazing. wow. like a cortisone shot (oh i got one of those too) without the needle.
it's been well over a year now and the pain comes and goes depending on the amount of running i'm doing. spring tennis means that my hip is killing me, but it's starting to feel normal. as in, the pain feels normal. if it didn't hurt i probably wouldn't know what to do.
haley has a similar ailment with her knees. intermittent (less inter and more mittent, truth be told) pain in both knees; aggravated by tennis and her stair-climbing job. i gave her a flector patch last night (i recently filled a prescription for them - may as well, while i still have insurance, right?) and this morning she woke up and exclaimed, 'my knees don't hurt! i can't remember them feeling this good!!'
between the two of us and our joint pain, we're hobbling around like golden girls. i always loved that tv show when i was a kid. i doubt that young girls were the target audience, but it was one of my favorite sitcoms, back when sitcoms were the rage.
and in fact, many times (as an adult) i've daydreamed about my fifties. (i can't believe i'm admitting this.) i've always looked at women at that age, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, and envied them a bit. it seems that around that time there's more wisdom and serenity. more calm and less wave. more deep bonds and less drama. more confidence and less worry. more play and less work. yes, it's always been a stage of life that i think will be fun.
and, perhaps best of all, it's the second half. it seems to me that we have to do much more of the hard stuff in this first half. grow up. get an education. find a partner. raise children. make a living. build a home. never mind all the emotional growth that's overarching these basic processes.
and the second half? well, physical pain i guess. and death. (everyone else's, i mean)
yes, the second half is decidedly golden in comparison.
golden girls. golden years.
i generally prefer silver, but this may be the exception.
d: a sneak preview of golden wisdom, in equal measure to my early golden pain
b: my pain threshold is rising, in preparation for my golden years
g: flector. yes. flector.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
neighborhood
i've spent quite a number of hours over the past two days erasing the dirt and grime from my driveway and porches. i opted not to pay someone for the task of pressure washing and now that it's all said and done, i'm ambivalent about whether that was the right decision or not.
i think, for the most part, it was. it saved me over $200 and cost me only time, the flesh of my hands, a few gallons of gasoline, the ache in my upper back (a workout!), and whatever running my water for 8 hours continuously will do to my utilities. i suppose it would have cost the latter regardless.
one of my friends told me that she enjoyed doing this, when she'd done it in the past. something about it being satisfying because of the immediate gratification. and i could relate to that. and it made the task bearable - though i wouldn't go so far as enjoyable. for the first hour, at least.
by then, all the obvious metaphors had flitted through my head and all i could think about was 'why? why, is this necessary?' and 'will it really make my house sell faster?' because if not, i don't really mind grey concrete. i really don't.
and of course, once you've begun, the answer becomes just that. where the grey concrete may have been just fine, an hour ago, now the line between clean and yet-to-clean is all you can see; and leaving it half undone would be more offensive.
i thought a lot about my neighborhood while i was cleaning the past eight years of grime off my driveway. there are only 59 houses in the subdivision and i had the pleasure of walking through nearly all of them before they were complete. my house was in the first ten built. i even worked briefly in the sales office over a holiday, assisting the primary agent. we'd become friends in the process of building my house and so we had fun choosing paint and brick and kitchen color schemes for the spec houses.
when i was cleaning my junk drawer out in the kitchen (truly, this house has been turned inside out in the past few weeks) i found a neighborhood schematic where i'd written notes about each of the owners as i met them. and for the first year or so, while everyone was under construction and in the excited and stressful throes of correcting the countless mistakes made by sloppy contractors, we all were quite neighborly. commiserating and celebrating together.
most of the homes were purchased by young families. my boys were some of the older children in the first phase of the neighborhood, and they were only 3 and 5. all of the kids played together in the streets, any minute the sun was shining. perhaps that's another reason we all behaved so neighborly.
but at some point, the doors all closed. strange, unneighborly things started to happen.
for example, my boys were told by two of their favorite playmates that they couldn't come over to our house any more because their parents didn't approve of gay people. i confronted the childrens' mother when i next saw her walking her dog and she, quite embarrassed, stammered out, 'yeah, well.. we don't approve of that sort of lifestyle.' i pointed out that it wasn't anything that would affect her children - similar ages to the boys; 'it's not contagious.' and while i was at it, i added that i didn't really approve of all the mounted deer heads her husband has hanging in her home, but i still let the boys go there to play.
one neighbor who had built a tall privacy fence in her backyard complained to me that my cat would walk along the top of it. she said, 'can you keep your cat off my fence?' i said, 'sure, i'll talk to him.' umm, ok. i know he's fat, but he's not going to hurt your precious fence.
a few years later when i got sick and spent most of a summer either in the hospital or recovering, my grass grew a few inches too tall. i got a reminder from the homeowner's association to remedy it. i replied immediately, by email, explaining my near fatal medical crisis and resulting circumstance and that as soon as i was either physically or financially able, i would take care of it. i did not receive a response, so i resent it to a neighbor i knew personally that was also on the board. still no reply. but i didn't receive any further notices about my lawn either.
some time later.. maybe six months.. i was at a nearby store and ran into a neighbor that i hadn't seen in a year or more. she said, 'oh, how are you? i heard you were sick...'
i guess they did receive my email after all. and shared it with the neighborhood.
yes, the doors were decidedly closed i realized then. it was nothing like mockingbird hill i lived on when i was a kid. if my mom needed an extra egg or we ran out of honey i was sent to a neighbor's house to borrow it. and it was the most ordinary thing ever.
sidenote: i'll say that i've met a few of the people in the second phase here and they are different. there are a few neighbors that are actually neighborly.
i won't be sad to leave this subdivision when we move. there are comforts of the house i'll certainly miss, but i look forward to a community where community is the rule rather than the exception. it will be one of my very top neighborhood criteria.
d: sure, you can borrow a cup of sugar.
b: for once, i'm in the good graces of the homeowner's association with the cleanest driveway in embassy walk.
g: tuesday is the end of the month and my house is 99% ready for sale. right on time.
i think, for the most part, it was. it saved me over $200 and cost me only time, the flesh of my hands, a few gallons of gasoline, the ache in my upper back (a workout!), and whatever running my water for 8 hours continuously will do to my utilities. i suppose it would have cost the latter regardless.
one of my friends told me that she enjoyed doing this, when she'd done it in the past. something about it being satisfying because of the immediate gratification. and i could relate to that. and it made the task bearable - though i wouldn't go so far as enjoyable. for the first hour, at least.
by then, all the obvious metaphors had flitted through my head and all i could think about was 'why? why, is this necessary?' and 'will it really make my house sell faster?' because if not, i don't really mind grey concrete. i really don't.
and of course, once you've begun, the answer becomes just that. where the grey concrete may have been just fine, an hour ago, now the line between clean and yet-to-clean is all you can see; and leaving it half undone would be more offensive.
i thought a lot about my neighborhood while i was cleaning the past eight years of grime off my driveway. there are only 59 houses in the subdivision and i had the pleasure of walking through nearly all of them before they were complete. my house was in the first ten built. i even worked briefly in the sales office over a holiday, assisting the primary agent. we'd become friends in the process of building my house and so we had fun choosing paint and brick and kitchen color schemes for the spec houses.
when i was cleaning my junk drawer out in the kitchen (truly, this house has been turned inside out in the past few weeks) i found a neighborhood schematic where i'd written notes about each of the owners as i met them. and for the first year or so, while everyone was under construction and in the excited and stressful throes of correcting the countless mistakes made by sloppy contractors, we all were quite neighborly. commiserating and celebrating together.
most of the homes were purchased by young families. my boys were some of the older children in the first phase of the neighborhood, and they were only 3 and 5. all of the kids played together in the streets, any minute the sun was shining. perhaps that's another reason we all behaved so neighborly.
but at some point, the doors all closed. strange, unneighborly things started to happen.
for example, my boys were told by two of their favorite playmates that they couldn't come over to our house any more because their parents didn't approve of gay people. i confronted the childrens' mother when i next saw her walking her dog and she, quite embarrassed, stammered out, 'yeah, well.. we don't approve of that sort of lifestyle.' i pointed out that it wasn't anything that would affect her children - similar ages to the boys; 'it's not contagious.' and while i was at it, i added that i didn't really approve of all the mounted deer heads her husband has hanging in her home, but i still let the boys go there to play.
one neighbor who had built a tall privacy fence in her backyard complained to me that my cat would walk along the top of it. she said, 'can you keep your cat off my fence?' i said, 'sure, i'll talk to him.' umm, ok. i know he's fat, but he's not going to hurt your precious fence.
a few years later when i got sick and spent most of a summer either in the hospital or recovering, my grass grew a few inches too tall. i got a reminder from the homeowner's association to remedy it. i replied immediately, by email, explaining my near fatal medical crisis and resulting circumstance and that as soon as i was either physically or financially able, i would take care of it. i did not receive a response, so i resent it to a neighbor i knew personally that was also on the board. still no reply. but i didn't receive any further notices about my lawn either.
some time later.. maybe six months.. i was at a nearby store and ran into a neighbor that i hadn't seen in a year or more. she said, 'oh, how are you? i heard you were sick...'
i guess they did receive my email after all. and shared it with the neighborhood.
yes, the doors were decidedly closed i realized then. it was nothing like mockingbird hill i lived on when i was a kid. if my mom needed an extra egg or we ran out of honey i was sent to a neighbor's house to borrow it. and it was the most ordinary thing ever.
sidenote: i'll say that i've met a few of the people in the second phase here and they are different. there are a few neighbors that are actually neighborly.
i won't be sad to leave this subdivision when we move. there are comforts of the house i'll certainly miss, but i look forward to a community where community is the rule rather than the exception. it will be one of my very top neighborhood criteria.
d: sure, you can borrow a cup of sugar.
b: for once, i'm in the good graces of the homeowner's association with the cleanest driveway in embassy walk.
g: tuesday is the end of the month and my house is 99% ready for sale. right on time.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
closets
tonight i'm in bed with my laptop and my legs feel like lead. today i managed to pull off the three-a-day workout ideal i'd strived for on my birthday. practiced my tennis serve this morning, then to the gym and tonight - taekwondo. it happened to be shoulders and legs day today, so as i sit propped slightly up in my bed with lead legs extended; i also feel as though the entire roof of our house is sitting on my shoulders. especially my left one. yes, that's my long-winded way of telling you how ridiculously exhausted and sore i am tonight.
but it's the best sort of tired and sore, so i'm just explaining - not complaining.
today i finished the last of the closets in the house. the boys'. yesterday i knocked out the stair closet and the pantry. it's an interesting state of affairs at the house now. whereas normally everything the average eye could see would be tidy and neat (or neat'ish) while the closets and cabinets are dangerously spring-loaded with mess; at this very moment it's the reverse.
every closet is so organized and sparingly utilized that we could be poster children for california closets, or whoever it is that makes a killing with those closet organizers. but when you close the closet doors and look around, the place is a disaster. there's a layer of dust on every surface. fifty-five gallon garbage bags holding sorted storage/garage sale/garbage are filling every available inch. the bathrooms need to be dunked in lysol. and did i mention the floors are covered in wood chips and pine cone debris (thanks to mega and a kirby that won't go.)
but, i think we're getting closer. (i think.) now that closets and playroom are in order, i simply have to pull off an entire house cleaning at one time. (i say 'at one time' because i generally clean a couple of rooms at a time and then brush my hands together and say, 'that'll do' until a couple other rooms tip the scale from livable to disgusting.) and then maintain it.
yep, piece of cake.
i do have to say though, it's felt great to clean the closets, cabinets, and junk drawers. today nancy was here helping and she said, 'it's as it should be: the trash bag is the fullest, followed by the garage sale bag, and the smallest bag is storage.' i have to agree.
i will admit that this the first garage sale i've ever had, personally. and it barely counts as 'personally' since i'm doing it in conjunction with a neighborhood wide garage sale. but even so, this is the first time, in my roughly 18 years since i moved out, that my garage or yard will sport tables of stuff that i'd just as soon haul to goodwill.
this is the house i've lived in longer than any other. longer than any childhood home. longer than any adult home. simply the longest.
i'd say it's definitely time to clean the closets. can the trash. carefully stow the precious memories. and put to use the balance.
make room for the new.
d: empty closets to fill. in a new address.
b: no more guilty messes. now it's all out in the open.
g: almost done. seriously, almost done.
but it's the best sort of tired and sore, so i'm just explaining - not complaining.
today i finished the last of the closets in the house. the boys'. yesterday i knocked out the stair closet and the pantry. it's an interesting state of affairs at the house now. whereas normally everything the average eye could see would be tidy and neat (or neat'ish) while the closets and cabinets are dangerously spring-loaded with mess; at this very moment it's the reverse.
every closet is so organized and sparingly utilized that we could be poster children for california closets, or whoever it is that makes a killing with those closet organizers. but when you close the closet doors and look around, the place is a disaster. there's a layer of dust on every surface. fifty-five gallon garbage bags holding sorted storage/garage sale/garbage are filling every available inch. the bathrooms need to be dunked in lysol. and did i mention the floors are covered in wood chips and pine cone debris (thanks to mega and a kirby that won't go.)
but, i think we're getting closer. (i think.) now that closets and playroom are in order, i simply have to pull off an entire house cleaning at one time. (i say 'at one time' because i generally clean a couple of rooms at a time and then brush my hands together and say, 'that'll do' until a couple other rooms tip the scale from livable to disgusting.) and then maintain it.
yep, piece of cake.
i do have to say though, it's felt great to clean the closets, cabinets, and junk drawers. today nancy was here helping and she said, 'it's as it should be: the trash bag is the fullest, followed by the garage sale bag, and the smallest bag is storage.' i have to agree.
i will admit that this the first garage sale i've ever had, personally. and it barely counts as 'personally' since i'm doing it in conjunction with a neighborhood wide garage sale. but even so, this is the first time, in my roughly 18 years since i moved out, that my garage or yard will sport tables of stuff that i'd just as soon haul to goodwill.
this is the house i've lived in longer than any other. longer than any childhood home. longer than any adult home. simply the longest.
i'd say it's definitely time to clean the closets. can the trash. carefully stow the precious memories. and put to use the balance.
make room for the new.
d: empty closets to fill. in a new address.
b: no more guilty messes. now it's all out in the open.
g: almost done. seriously, almost done.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
wind
.jpg)
wind blowing through her ears, er hair, mega is her happiest. escaping to the mountains this weekend we took advantage of the idyllic weather to put the top down, fasten mega to her seatbelt, and let the wind usher us all into another realm.the wind stayed with us all weekend. a soft, breezy wind; unlike the winds that cut through your outer layers or sneak in your collar. unlike the winds that push you off balance, gusting harshly when you least expect it.
soft, breezy springtime wind is different. it gently wakes you in the morning. it cools your sweaty brow when the sun peaks. and it announces the arrival of sexy dusk.
and the soft, breezy wind of mountain air smells so good.
but perhaps the soft, breezy wind i loved the most this weekend was the wind hitting my face as i sped downhill on a mountain bike. i hadn't been on a mountain bike, or any bike actually, since i was 20. and as we all know, that's been a teen lifetime ago.
i wanted very much to take the mountain biking excursion when haley and i discussed options for the weekend. i remembered that on discovery, a college wilderness trip, despite several dreadful hills that required pushing, i absolutely loved the mountain biking. on the three week backpacking trip that included white water paddling, flat water paddling (yawn), rock climbing and mountain biking - the latter was the very best part. the very best. and i've always wanted to do it again.
so, we did. we rented bikes, were dropped off by a shuttle, and took a fourteen mile ride on a forest service road. it started with a fairly intense climb and i approached it with curious intensity. i wondered how i would fare against the mountain in my recently aged body. after all, i was twenty when i did it before and i remember it being quite hard.
and then the wind. the soft, breezy wind on the down side of the climb and i realized i was smiling. because i was still on my bike. i was breathing hard but i wasn't in pain. i was moving slow at times, but i was moving.
the climb? lost in the wind.
the soft, breezy wind of the downhill rush blew into my soul somehow and now i can't stop thinking about it. i wanted to go work out today, but just couldn't get excited about a stationary bicycle in a canned air, neon painted, gym.
i'm officially in the market for a bike, i think it's fair to say. i don't want to spend a lot, but i don't want a junker either. i'm scanning the used classifieds and asking the universe to send me the right bike at the right price.
and until it arrives, mega and i will enjoy the soft, breezy wind off the passing cars in atlanta traffic. i do have a convertible after all.
d: downhill winds to propel me up the mountains.
b: i stayed on my bike the entire 14 miles. easier said than done.
g: a soft, breezy weekend.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
eachother
.jpg)
my birthday weekend proved to be simply the best birthday ever.in every way that is imaginable this vacation was the mirror opposite of my last, with the exception of the extreme fatigue that washed over us at night. and the tenor of every minute being miraculously more fun and more relaxing and more perfect than the one before. in fact, if our vacations continue to become better and better i'm afraid my head might explode.
we spent every daylight minute hiking, biking, tennis'ing, or shopping. (of course we had to get some shopping in. i mean, it's me and haley.) and loving. each other. the weather. mega. the sky. the colors. mega. the barrel cottage. the quiet. the breeze. each other. where we were. the waterfalls. the sunset. mega. (she's very lovable.)
each other.
although our new york vacation topped the chart at the time, i'm afraid it's being relegated to silver after this weekend. because although there wasn't a minute less than perfect in the big apple, my eyes were constantly trying to focus and absorb all the swirly, bright city had to offer. and they didn't have the pleasure of resting upon haley nearly enough.
truly, at the end of four days in new york, i'd used my iphone's camera twice and my real camera hadn't left its case. (of the two pictures i took - one was a celebrity sighting and the other a dreadful picture of haley on our last night after a very, very funny comment she made. we were sunk into two chairs at the madison avenue gap, of all places, and feeling content to stay there. forever.) so no, i didn't take or make the time to look at my haley nearly enough in new york.
but this weekend, i did.
this weekend for my birthday we took our time. we took our time and filled every minute with each other. and my weekend in the mountains was a weekend in love.
d: vacations to top vacations
b: i didn't think one time about my to-do list over the weekend.
g: a birthday gift of love and healing and escape: exactly what i needed.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
birthday
it's my party and i'll cry if i want to. or, it's my birthday at least.
it seems as though the gods didn't decide to spare me any punches simply because it is march 18th. though luke is recovered from his stomach virus and there's no sign of it taking up residence in either todd or me, my day has left a knot in my stomach.
getting out of town in the morning is the only thing keeping me together.
i'm sure i sound like a broken record but the entire process of readying this house for sale is nearly worth the mortgage i can't afford. today i got a call from the handyman with an estimate on the repairs. $1900. when i clearly was speechless, he offered to knock $500 off. but that's sort of like taking it from a million to a hundred grand at this point.
(and this is just for the carpentry repairs. i still am owed a quote by the roofer and the landscaper.)
did i mention i'll be lucky to break even on the house with commissions, before i spend anything on repairs?
so, overwhelmed with the task is now taking a back seat to overwhelmed with the cost. and honestly, i thought the former pretty much filled the car.
yes, it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to.
add to that things like my indestructible kirby vacuum deciding to take its last breath last night and too many sleep deprived nights and oh yeah i have to pay my car tag before midnight and the lizards haven't eaten in weeks, and, and...
yeah, things like that.
but all is not lost. i got a hair cut today. it looks great. haley and i found a new restaurant that absolutely will make our top five list (basil's for those of you in atlanta). the boys and i had dinner together and they each ordered salads with no urging from me. haley put together a rockin new play list for me to spin to and i gave myself a gift of fitness.
i planned three workouts for my birthday gift to myself. one first thing this morning. one in the late afternoon. and then todd and i were going to get in a third tae kwon do class for the week. i made the first two. the idea of course was to alleviate the guilt that would be forthcoming when i had birthday desserts. it worked, for the most part.
and now, haley just walked in from work. with a tres leches from tierra. oh well, we are about to bike, hike and tennis our way through a weekend getaway. i think i can have the cake.
d: escape to the mountains. asap.
b: i have the best friends and girlfriend: they are already at work on my handyman crisis.
g: it's my birthday and i can cry if i want to. or laugh. i choose the latter.
it seems as though the gods didn't decide to spare me any punches simply because it is march 18th. though luke is recovered from his stomach virus and there's no sign of it taking up residence in either todd or me, my day has left a knot in my stomach.
getting out of town in the morning is the only thing keeping me together.
i'm sure i sound like a broken record but the entire process of readying this house for sale is nearly worth the mortgage i can't afford. today i got a call from the handyman with an estimate on the repairs. $1900. when i clearly was speechless, he offered to knock $500 off. but that's sort of like taking it from a million to a hundred grand at this point.
(and this is just for the carpentry repairs. i still am owed a quote by the roofer and the landscaper.)
did i mention i'll be lucky to break even on the house with commissions, before i spend anything on repairs?
so, overwhelmed with the task is now taking a back seat to overwhelmed with the cost. and honestly, i thought the former pretty much filled the car.
yes, it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to.
add to that things like my indestructible kirby vacuum deciding to take its last breath last night and too many sleep deprived nights and oh yeah i have to pay my car tag before midnight and the lizards haven't eaten in weeks, and, and...
yeah, things like that.
but all is not lost. i got a hair cut today. it looks great. haley and i found a new restaurant that absolutely will make our top five list (basil's for those of you in atlanta). the boys and i had dinner together and they each ordered salads with no urging from me. haley put together a rockin new play list for me to spin to and i gave myself a gift of fitness.
i planned three workouts for my birthday gift to myself. one first thing this morning. one in the late afternoon. and then todd and i were going to get in a third tae kwon do class for the week. i made the first two. the idea of course was to alleviate the guilt that would be forthcoming when i had birthday desserts. it worked, for the most part.
and now, haley just walked in from work. with a tres leches from tierra. oh well, we are about to bike, hike and tennis our way through a weekend getaway. i think i can have the cake.
d: escape to the mountains. asap.
b: i have the best friends and girlfriend: they are already at work on my handyman crisis.
g: it's my birthday and i can cry if i want to. or laugh. i choose the latter.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
surprise
tomorrow is my birthday and let me tell you, haley has been acting weird. she asked me not to make any plans for the weekend until she 'knew if she was going to get called out (as in, not have to work) one of the nights.' well, sure. except she never finds that out until about 2:30 on the day of the shift. umm ok.
so, unable to wait until the literal last minute, i opted to make plans that would be exactly what i wanted to do. ie the house staging bash i wrote about yesterday. but as soon as i made the invitation she started getting nutty on me. last night i literally said to her, 'i'm sorry that my birthday plans aren't exactly what you have in mind.'
after this very strange conversation about her being frustrated with the reservations filling up friday and the plans i'd made for saturday i was totally exasperated. i mean really, whose birthday is it anyway? and such selfish behavior is really unlike haley.
confused, i turned to nancy. called her and rousted her from bed to decipher this insanity. i said, 'maybe she just really doesn't want to help me with the house...' we considered and dismissed a number of options and couldn't come up with anything viable to explain it. and so she counseled, 'just hold your own. it's your birthday and you should be able to do what you want.'
today, her strange behavior continued. now with an urgency to give me my present. today. 'no, it can't wait until tomorrow. not really.' umm ok.
and then - surprise!
a new suitcase (actually a wheeled duffle - something i've needed). and inside a card that says, 'pack yer shit' because we are getting out of town!
she'd actually requested this entire weekend off a while ago. all the theatrics about work and plans and her insistence that i wait until the last possible minute suddenly fell into place. we're leaving for a cabin in north georgia on friday morning. and i couldn't be more excited.
or more surprised.
considering haley never has managed to pull of a surprise for me, it deserves to be celebrated. (plus, it's almost my birthday and i think that's cause for celebration too.)
so, the house staging party is postponed by a week. and the new bag is waiting patiently to be filled. and my perfectly organized closet is going to enable record breaking speed packing, tomorrow night.
d: surprise me! tomorrow's my birthday after all.
b: i look much younger than my years. (or so i hear.)
g: there was a good explanation and haley really wasn't trying to just avoid the projects.
so, unable to wait until the literal last minute, i opted to make plans that would be exactly what i wanted to do. ie the house staging bash i wrote about yesterday. but as soon as i made the invitation she started getting nutty on me. last night i literally said to her, 'i'm sorry that my birthday plans aren't exactly what you have in mind.'
after this very strange conversation about her being frustrated with the reservations filling up friday and the plans i'd made for saturday i was totally exasperated. i mean really, whose birthday is it anyway? and such selfish behavior is really unlike haley.
confused, i turned to nancy. called her and rousted her from bed to decipher this insanity. i said, 'maybe she just really doesn't want to help me with the house...' we considered and dismissed a number of options and couldn't come up with anything viable to explain it. and so she counseled, 'just hold your own. it's your birthday and you should be able to do what you want.'
today, her strange behavior continued. now with an urgency to give me my present. today. 'no, it can't wait until tomorrow. not really.' umm ok.
and then - surprise!
a new suitcase (actually a wheeled duffle - something i've needed). and inside a card that says, 'pack yer shit' because we are getting out of town!
she'd actually requested this entire weekend off a while ago. all the theatrics about work and plans and her insistence that i wait until the last possible minute suddenly fell into place. we're leaving for a cabin in north georgia on friday morning. and i couldn't be more excited.
or more surprised.
considering haley never has managed to pull of a surprise for me, it deserves to be celebrated. (plus, it's almost my birthday and i think that's cause for celebration too.)
so, the house staging party is postponed by a week. and the new bag is waiting patiently to be filled. and my perfectly organized closet is going to enable record breaking speed packing, tomorrow night.
d: surprise me! tomorrow's my birthday after all.
b: i look much younger than my years. (or so i hear.)
g: there was a good explanation and haley really wasn't trying to just avoid the projects.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
staged
All the world's a stage...
back when i sold my last house, er my first house, i'd never heard the word 'staging' in reference to anything other than the theater. probably owing to the fact that there weren't entire tv networks dedicated to series such as 'sell my house' or 'curb appeal'. whatever it was though, it was much, much simpler. do the necessary repairs. clean thoroughly. post sign in yard. sell house.
now it's much, much more complicated. not only do you have to do all of those things, but you also have to remove anything that gives your home a personality. pictures? out of here. calendar? put it out of sight. newspapers? magazines? recycling, here they come. supposedly it helps people imagine themselves in your home if they can't detect you were ever there. (yeah, ok. previously owned but never lived in house for sale.)
there are even professionals that specialize in this very thing, staging homes for sale. they guarantee you less time on the market and a higher sale price. i'm sure it's all very valid, but i have to draw the line there. in my situation i'm hoping to merely break even when i leave closing, so i'm going to have to pass on luxuries such as professional home stagers.
And all the men and women merely players:
this weekend i've invited some friends over to help me stage my house. knock out the punch list that seems to be growing rather than shrinking. if i can make a dent in that list, i'll consider it the best birthday present ever.
though it may be less of a draw for them than our usual birthday plans, i think that projects together can be just as much fun. and frankly i'm looking forward to it as much as i would be - and probably more - if we were meeting at our groupon-du-jour restaurant for dinner.
They have their exits and their entrances;
it is an arbitrary deadline that i set for myself, i admit. "by spring" i said. but the end of march is drawing near. only two weeks away now. i think that spring is officially here, judging by the warm sun and the cool evenings. it's my favorite season. i'm sure i've said that before.
as the cold takes leave and warm slowly edges in i always find myself antsy for change. spring cleaning, sure. but i also like to change things up. i bought my car a few springs ago. i fell in love one spring ago. i often move furniture in the spring. and i love, just love, to open the windows. i haven't done it yet, but as soon as the nights get out of the low 40's (and sunday is supposed to be 34!), i'll lift the sashes and welcome the pine pollen.
this spring i'm hoping that the fever for change takes over someone else. specifically the someone else that is meant to be in my house. because i'm ready. oh so ready to take my exit.
And one man in his time plays many parts,
haley is urging me to try and put playtime on my schedule for the weekend. reminding me that stage manager isn't the only role of importance these days. admittedly i've been pretty preoccupied lately and she's reasonably ready for me to relax.
i know it's not my only role, of course. after all i just cleaned up a gallon (is that the right unit of measurement?) of vomit my youngest son spewed across my bed and adjacent floor. (lucky me, i let him sleep in my bed tonight because he didn't feel well.) so i figure, i can add the roles of janitor and medic to stage manager.
oh and i can't forget laundress. after all, i'm on my fourth load tonight.
His acts being seven ages.
-as you like it by william shakespeare
-as you like it by william shakespeare
i am turning thirty-six on thursday, officially on the tail end of my thirties now. i still remember that show 'thirtysomething' being on when i was in my teens and thinking those actors and actresses looked so old. so old, trying to be hip. now i guess that's me.
i went with todd on a field trip monday. he signed me up to chaperone himself, so i assumed that meant he wanted me there. for the first few hours of the trip he barely said two words to me. he'd approved my outfit before we left the house but he failed to tell me i'd put on my invisible cloak.
i knew that day was coming. i was frankly more surprised he wanted me to come than surprised at his acting as if i hadn't. but it still was twingey. (is that a word? it should be.) on the way back to the school he left his friends and joined me in my seat on the bus. it was only thirty minutes out of the entire day, but it made it all ok.
today he told me that i'm the youngest mom any of his friends have, save one. (she was a teen mom, he reported.) he says that's a good thing. i'm glad he feels that way. i do too.
and so, i'm ready to close the curtain on this act and watch the set transform. i feel certain that the next one is the big one.
d: queue the lights, it's almost show time.
b: right on time.
g: it's as i like it...
Monday, March 15, 2010
SOULM8
why is it, no rather, how is it that one hour taken from me can feel like a time warp of epic proportions? how is that possible? i can't even count the number of times i've stayed up an hour too late or had to get up an hour too early - neither as debilitating as daylight savings.
and so tonight i'm stuck in the jetlag of a nation that sprung forward without me. (well, nearly an entire nation - there are some lucky, or rather, genius, renegade regions that don't participate in this cockamamie institution.)
for the first time in nearly a month (or maybe more than a month?) i considered taking something to wake me up today. instead i dozed, a bit with my eyes open and a bit with them shut. but i definitely dozed. i don't blame my narcolepsy. and i don't blame my psyche taking a handy exit. i simply blame daylight savings.
and while i was wheeling around town today foggy-eyed, i think the gods took advantage of my vulnerable state to pass along some words of synchronistic encouragement. i was on the phone with my relationship-end-stage-friend and feeling incredibly grateful for haley and the love we've found in each other; when haley pointed to the tag on the motorcycle in front of us: SOULM8.
we looked at each other and then back at the tag and the woman riding the motorcycle. her jacket had a name embroidered on the back: "Hailey".
yes, yes, i do agree.
(on second glance we noticed that the woman's long frizzy hair was obscuring the r and the jacket really said 'Harley'. but whatever.. that's not what we were meant to read.)
and then, a couple of hours later, when i was driving home, again on the phone with my terminal friend, i thought of that tag. soulmates. haley. i was telling my friend that what she wants isn't wrong and thinking about how i found mine in haley. and then i glance at the car next to me and the tag said: JES51CA
even in my dazed and glazed state, i got that message.
and i looked up to god and winked back.
d: may the fog clear and the day be as bright as the message
b: springing forward with clarity and love.
g: Hailey and JES51CA, SOULM8s.
and so tonight i'm stuck in the jetlag of a nation that sprung forward without me. (well, nearly an entire nation - there are some lucky, or rather, genius, renegade regions that don't participate in this cockamamie institution.)
for the first time in nearly a month (or maybe more than a month?) i considered taking something to wake me up today. instead i dozed, a bit with my eyes open and a bit with them shut. but i definitely dozed. i don't blame my narcolepsy. and i don't blame my psyche taking a handy exit. i simply blame daylight savings.
and while i was wheeling around town today foggy-eyed, i think the gods took advantage of my vulnerable state to pass along some words of synchronistic encouragement. i was on the phone with my relationship-end-stage-friend and feeling incredibly grateful for haley and the love we've found in each other; when haley pointed to the tag on the motorcycle in front of us: SOULM8.
we looked at each other and then back at the tag and the woman riding the motorcycle. her jacket had a name embroidered on the back: "Hailey".
yes, yes, i do agree.
(on second glance we noticed that the woman's long frizzy hair was obscuring the r and the jacket really said 'Harley'. but whatever.. that's not what we were meant to read.)
and then, a couple of hours later, when i was driving home, again on the phone with my terminal friend, i thought of that tag. soulmates. haley. i was telling my friend that what she wants isn't wrong and thinking about how i found mine in haley. and then i glance at the car next to me and the tag said: JES51CA
even in my dazed and glazed state, i got that message.
and i looked up to god and winked back.
d: may the fog clear and the day be as bright as the message
b: springing forward with clarity and love.
g: Hailey and JES51CA, SOULM8s.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
strong
sometimes i find myself feeling pain that isn't mine to feel. i don't know if it's a gift or a curse. today's been one of those days.
all day, and part of last night, one of my closest friends has been going through what i imagine to be the proverbial last straw heartbreak in her relationship. and while i've spent hours on the phone listening to her cry and hours tonight witnessing a new reality settle in; i've felt my own version of her pain. even to the point of midday tears i couldn't reasonably explain.
tonight i invited her over with the promise of a home cooked meal and the distraction of torching the playroom. instead we ate out and she cried on my couch afterwards. sometimes the umbrella of pain fully obscures the break in the clouds.
as she drives home now, i feel nauseated for her. i feel anxious for her. i feel sad for her. i wish instead i could feel brave and strong and somehow transfer my energy her way, but i don't think i can. what she faces at home would be hard to bravely march into.
haley and i recently wrote a list of all the ways we characterize our relationship and one of the ways on the list was 'we are strong for each other.'
i love that one.
yesterday morning i had to be in alpharetta for a meeting at 11:30. it involved people from all over the world on a conference call and backed up to an all afternoon meeting at the office, so there was no flexibility in timing. i woke up by 8 and immediately got online to do my morning internet circuit. work email. personal email. ducked in here to write a blog. paid some bills. and then ambled downstairs in my robe to make coffee and breakfast for the boys and haley, who was still in bed.
when i put the skillet on the stove and glanced at the clock i noticed it was 9:48 am. i needed to be out the door by 10 to get luke to his destination and myself to work on time. from there i continued to throw together breakfast and become more and more frantic. miraculously i arrived at 11:25 for my meeting, owing it all to haley. she swooped in and rescued me from myself.
strong for me. strong when i was weak.
and sure, that sounds like a silly oversleeping/running late sort of story. but it's just the first one that comes to mind. (and honestly, nothing makes me melt into a puddle of tears worse than having nothing to wear and running late.)
a week or so ago, i was standing in her workshop sanding small pieces of her latest painting as she sawed them. and then without warning i was in tears over something more profound than matching a shirt and pants and getting the cream back in the fridge. something that nobody else in my life could have put back together. and she glanced at me through a cloud of saw dust, saw my face crumble, and immediately wrapped me in her arms.
strong for me. strong when i was weak.
it's an amazing feeling. i wish i could give my friend a platonic version of the strength and support i feel from haley. i tried. but mostly i just felt her pain.
d: strength for my friend.
b: i feel other people's pain?
g: i have someone strong for me.
all day, and part of last night, one of my closest friends has been going through what i imagine to be the proverbial last straw heartbreak in her relationship. and while i've spent hours on the phone listening to her cry and hours tonight witnessing a new reality settle in; i've felt my own version of her pain. even to the point of midday tears i couldn't reasonably explain.
tonight i invited her over with the promise of a home cooked meal and the distraction of torching the playroom. instead we ate out and she cried on my couch afterwards. sometimes the umbrella of pain fully obscures the break in the clouds.
as she drives home now, i feel nauseated for her. i feel anxious for her. i feel sad for her. i wish instead i could feel brave and strong and somehow transfer my energy her way, but i don't think i can. what she faces at home would be hard to bravely march into.
haley and i recently wrote a list of all the ways we characterize our relationship and one of the ways on the list was 'we are strong for each other.'
i love that one.
yesterday morning i had to be in alpharetta for a meeting at 11:30. it involved people from all over the world on a conference call and backed up to an all afternoon meeting at the office, so there was no flexibility in timing. i woke up by 8 and immediately got online to do my morning internet circuit. work email. personal email. ducked in here to write a blog. paid some bills. and then ambled downstairs in my robe to make coffee and breakfast for the boys and haley, who was still in bed.
when i put the skillet on the stove and glanced at the clock i noticed it was 9:48 am. i needed to be out the door by 10 to get luke to his destination and myself to work on time. from there i continued to throw together breakfast and become more and more frantic. miraculously i arrived at 11:25 for my meeting, owing it all to haley. she swooped in and rescued me from myself.
strong for me. strong when i was weak.
and sure, that sounds like a silly oversleeping/running late sort of story. but it's just the first one that comes to mind. (and honestly, nothing makes me melt into a puddle of tears worse than having nothing to wear and running late.)
a week or so ago, i was standing in her workshop sanding small pieces of her latest painting as she sawed them. and then without warning i was in tears over something more profound than matching a shirt and pants and getting the cream back in the fridge. something that nobody else in my life could have put back together. and she glanced at me through a cloud of saw dust, saw my face crumble, and immediately wrapped me in her arms.
strong for me. strong when i was weak.
it's an amazing feeling. i wish i could give my friend a platonic version of the strength and support i feel from haley. i tried. but mostly i just felt her pain.
d: strength for my friend.
b: i feel other people's pain?
g: i have someone strong for me.
Friday, March 12, 2010
2/3
here we are about ten weeks into the new year and yesterday i started thinking about those resolutions i made way back when. just as a reminder i decided this was the year that i would get the tools back in the garage after use, drink more water (specifically between every set when lifting), and paint my bedroom.
tools in garage - absolutely. there's not a stray screwdriver to be found in this house, dammit. and after the massive cleaning and 'organizing' of the garage, i think i could open my own tool rental shop.
water between sets? chug chug chug. i've turned myself into a camel for all intents and purposes. haley has always been one to consume twice as much water as me in a given workout, much to her dismay and my shame. but not anymore. now i'm holding my own. well, i'm running to the bathroom a lot actually. but i'm guzzling the water like a desert refugee.
[parenthetical side story: just last sunday haley and i each bought a gallon jug of water - 1.06 gallons to be precise - and she said she'd race me to finish it. we played tennis both days and i carried my jug around like a baby bottle. needless to say, i won by a good 4 inches. yes! victory!]
so, that brings me to the bedroom painting resolution. well, as i've been carrying on about, i'm putting my house on the market any minute now. and to be honest, repainting my bedroom isn't on the to-do list. but, when i really went back and read my original resolutions, i think i have to go with the spirit of the law, versus the letter of the law on this one.
and the spirit behind my vow to paint my bedroom was a desire to make it my own. to make it a place i felt represented me and my personality as much as the boys' new rooms.
repainting? that's one way to do it. but i've risen the ante. i'm recreating my bedroom to better suit me and my desires. and my living room. and my front yard. and my back yard. and my address.
and though i haven't accomplished that resolution yet, i've still got 42 weeks and i'm well on my way. (it doesn't sound like long does it?)
d: the right buyer, asap!
b: two out of three and it's only march 12th
g: i can put my hands right on an allen wrench - in any size, metric or imperial; or a soldering gun; or a stud finder; or... you get the picture.
tools in garage - absolutely. there's not a stray screwdriver to be found in this house, dammit. and after the massive cleaning and 'organizing' of the garage, i think i could open my own tool rental shop.
water between sets? chug chug chug. i've turned myself into a camel for all intents and purposes. haley has always been one to consume twice as much water as me in a given workout, much to her dismay and my shame. but not anymore. now i'm holding my own. well, i'm running to the bathroom a lot actually. but i'm guzzling the water like a desert refugee.
[parenthetical side story: just last sunday haley and i each bought a gallon jug of water - 1.06 gallons to be precise - and she said she'd race me to finish it. we played tennis both days and i carried my jug around like a baby bottle. needless to say, i won by a good 4 inches. yes! victory!]
so, that brings me to the bedroom painting resolution. well, as i've been carrying on about, i'm putting my house on the market any minute now. and to be honest, repainting my bedroom isn't on the to-do list. but, when i really went back and read my original resolutions, i think i have to go with the spirit of the law, versus the letter of the law on this one.
and the spirit behind my vow to paint my bedroom was a desire to make it my own. to make it a place i felt represented me and my personality as much as the boys' new rooms.
repainting? that's one way to do it. but i've risen the ante. i'm recreating my bedroom to better suit me and my desires. and my living room. and my front yard. and my back yard. and my address.
and though i haven't accomplished that resolution yet, i've still got 42 weeks and i'm well on my way. (it doesn't sound like long does it?)
d: the right buyer, asap!
b: two out of three and it's only march 12th
g: i can put my hands right on an allen wrench - in any size, metric or imperial; or a soldering gun; or a stud finder; or... you get the picture.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
greatness
i can't believe tomorrow is friday. i never feel the full length of the week since i generally only work three days; but this is an exception. somehow, someway, i have felt every minute and hour of this interminably long week. and that is just compounded by the fact that i'm going to be putting in a full day of work tomorrow on the first day of my usual four day weekend.
okay, now that i've gotten the complaining out of the way - something i try to rarely do - i have to admit i feel amazing today. the fourth day of this week has proven to be every bit as productive as the first three. maybe even more. worked out, worked, and still made time to for-sale-ready another room in the house.
and then tonight, i joined todd at his taekwondo class. by joined, i mean literally joined. as in put on the white uniform, complete with a crisp white belt, and joined the class. the academy has a parent appreciation deal that's really too good to pass up and so i'm joining todd there for a couple of months. at least. he's one step below black belt, so i think he's enjoying the idea of having me there sporting my baby belt. after class, in the deli department of publix, he was demonstrating to me the difference between two seemingly identical kicks.
todd first took martial arts when he was only five. he plodded along diligently through the belts until he was seven and then with black belt about six months away, he lost his momentum. he was so young that i didn't see the point in being a nazi about it, so i sadly bade master ji farewell. then, about a month ago, five years from his last class, todd told me he wanted to pursue it again. and so, here we are.
i'd never have considered it for myself then. the idea of something so physical was daunting. i wasn't overweight, but i was definitely unfit. but today, when i signed up, i was confident that i'd be able to succeed in the class. i didn't imagine myself perfect in form or coordination (i am realistic about my weaknesses, after all) but i knew i'd be able to hang with the level of stamina and fitness it required.
and i was right. i felt strong. i felt capable. i felt great. and i loved being in class with todd. actually, maybe that's what felt so great.
after class he and i were putting our heads together over a girl. 'what do i say to ask her out?' (meaning to be his girlfriend.) and again, i felt capable. strong. and great. after all, ghost writing is one of my secret skills. (ahem, you know who you are..katie b.. cough cough..nance...)
it was a good day with my oldest son. we have another one planned for tomorrow. i can't wait.
d: a similar greatness with luke
b: i can do anything i want with my strong body
g: growing up we're growing closer
okay, now that i've gotten the complaining out of the way - something i try to rarely do - i have to admit i feel amazing today. the fourth day of this week has proven to be every bit as productive as the first three. maybe even more. worked out, worked, and still made time to for-sale-ready another room in the house.
and then tonight, i joined todd at his taekwondo class. by joined, i mean literally joined. as in put on the white uniform, complete with a crisp white belt, and joined the class. the academy has a parent appreciation deal that's really too good to pass up and so i'm joining todd there for a couple of months. at least. he's one step below black belt, so i think he's enjoying the idea of having me there sporting my baby belt. after class, in the deli department of publix, he was demonstrating to me the difference between two seemingly identical kicks.
todd first took martial arts when he was only five. he plodded along diligently through the belts until he was seven and then with black belt about six months away, he lost his momentum. he was so young that i didn't see the point in being a nazi about it, so i sadly bade master ji farewell. then, about a month ago, five years from his last class, todd told me he wanted to pursue it again. and so, here we are.
i'd never have considered it for myself then. the idea of something so physical was daunting. i wasn't overweight, but i was definitely unfit. but today, when i signed up, i was confident that i'd be able to succeed in the class. i didn't imagine myself perfect in form or coordination (i am realistic about my weaknesses, after all) but i knew i'd be able to hang with the level of stamina and fitness it required.
and i was right. i felt strong. i felt capable. i felt great. and i loved being in class with todd. actually, maybe that's what felt so great.
after class he and i were putting our heads together over a girl. 'what do i say to ask her out?' (meaning to be his girlfriend.) and again, i felt capable. strong. and great. after all, ghost writing is one of my secret skills. (ahem, you know who you are..katie b.. cough cough..nance...)
it was a good day with my oldest son. we have another one planned for tomorrow. i can't wait.
d: a similar greatness with luke
b: i can do anything i want with my strong body
g: growing up we're growing closer
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
check
three days in a row and three significant things crossed off of my household to-do list. when i say significant i mean significantly annoying. items such as hauling very heavy things to goodwill. or getting new tires. things like that.
someone mentioned the phrase 'spring cleaning' to me today and i thought, 'OH - there's a wave i can ride!' at this point i'm looking for any boost at all to get me to my march 31st goal of putting this house on the market. that leaves three weeks and umm, well, quite a lot still to be done. but at the rate of one significant task a day, i think i'll get there.
i made a list today. it has things such as "#8: burn the playroom" and includes words such as "overhaul" at least twice. even so, and even knowing it's surely incomplete, the list makes it seem much more finite.
yesterday, for no apparent reason, haley said, 'i think you're getting closer.' and i said, 'to what?' and she said, 'to being here. in town.' and i said, 'umm, yeah. i think i am. i hope so.' although nothing perceptible has changed, i do feel a shift.
and so do the boys. though they weathered the initial news well, i'm sensing their ambivalence. i had to prove on paper that in fact atlanta is not one of the most dangerous cities in america. and that contrary to popular opinion there are also a few commendable public schools inside the perimeter. there are even some public schools now charging tuition to folks outside their boundaries - so that's saying something. (is that really public? or quasi private? or simply smart city government?)
i know of course their 'concerns' are just a thin veil for their anxiety about change. and i can understand that. i can't really relate, but i can understand.
i moved more times than i can count as a child and teenager. and that's not me being dramatic. i changed schools 13 times from K-12 and still spent the last two and a half at one school. so you do the math - that's 13 times in 11 years. for me, staying still is more uncomfortable than movement.
(yes, i'm a pisces. thank god.)
and so, in the midst of this changing scenery and the endless checklists, i feel energized. (and exhausted too, but mostly the former.) like a wave gaining momentum and sweeping everything up along the ocean floor.. building in energy and ready to burst upon the shore.
(yes, i'm a pisces. and it's a week until my birthday.)
d: checklists checked complete
b: steadily checking the boxes off
g: yes, i am a pisces..
someone mentioned the phrase 'spring cleaning' to me today and i thought, 'OH - there's a wave i can ride!' at this point i'm looking for any boost at all to get me to my march 31st goal of putting this house on the market. that leaves three weeks and umm, well, quite a lot still to be done. but at the rate of one significant task a day, i think i'll get there.
i made a list today. it has things such as "#8: burn the playroom" and includes words such as "overhaul" at least twice. even so, and even knowing it's surely incomplete, the list makes it seem much more finite.
yesterday, for no apparent reason, haley said, 'i think you're getting closer.' and i said, 'to what?' and she said, 'to being here. in town.' and i said, 'umm, yeah. i think i am. i hope so.' although nothing perceptible has changed, i do feel a shift.
and so do the boys. though they weathered the initial news well, i'm sensing their ambivalence. i had to prove on paper that in fact atlanta is not one of the most dangerous cities in america. and that contrary to popular opinion there are also a few commendable public schools inside the perimeter. there are even some public schools now charging tuition to folks outside their boundaries - so that's saying something. (is that really public? or quasi private? or simply smart city government?)
i know of course their 'concerns' are just a thin veil for their anxiety about change. and i can understand that. i can't really relate, but i can understand.
i moved more times than i can count as a child and teenager. and that's not me being dramatic. i changed schools 13 times from K-12 and still spent the last two and a half at one school. so you do the math - that's 13 times in 11 years. for me, staying still is more uncomfortable than movement.
(yes, i'm a pisces. thank god.)
and so, in the midst of this changing scenery and the endless checklists, i feel energized. (and exhausted too, but mostly the former.) like a wave gaining momentum and sweeping everything up along the ocean floor.. building in energy and ready to burst upon the shore.
(yes, i'm a pisces. and it's a week until my birthday.)
d: checklists checked complete
b: steadily checking the boxes off
g: yes, i am a pisces..
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
hard
-photo by renee lewisSomething we were withholding made us weak
until we found it was ourselves.
-robert frost
in my recent readings (currently i'm double fisting nonfiction and juggling a novel too) i've stumbled across some ideas that have me taking a hard look at the things that are hardest. at least related to being a mom. which by definition is the hardest, i think.
i'm wading through a study on all the ways i'm potentially screwing my kids up and it seems that every single opportunity is really just a way that i am myself lacking. go figure.
it seems like in more than one area of my life i'm learning that the hardest things to give, receive, and create are quite simply the most important and essential. the high road is the steep and rocky road, right?
i grew up hearing frequently 'why is everything always so hard?' and owing to my contrariness i dug my heels in and took the position that 'nothing is hard. it's all quite easy and possible!' but, at the same time, i believe i created the hard to which i objected.
yesterday i tried something different. today i did something different. i didn't judge easy or hard, i just put one foot in front of the other and did the things i wanted and needed to do. i let go of the easy and hard meter and found that everything felt better. not easier, mind you; but better.
and so, i'm digging into the 'hard' things i struggle with as a parent. and i'm unraveling the 'hard' things that create those struggles.
it's not easy.
but it is better.
d: less withholding
b: i'm not afraid of hard.
g: it is better.
i'm wading through a study on all the ways i'm potentially screwing my kids up and it seems that every single opportunity is really just a way that i am myself lacking. go figure.
it seems like in more than one area of my life i'm learning that the hardest things to give, receive, and create are quite simply the most important and essential. the high road is the steep and rocky road, right?
i grew up hearing frequently 'why is everything always so hard?' and owing to my contrariness i dug my heels in and took the position that 'nothing is hard. it's all quite easy and possible!' but, at the same time, i believe i created the hard to which i objected.
yesterday i tried something different. today i did something different. i didn't judge easy or hard, i just put one foot in front of the other and did the things i wanted and needed to do. i let go of the easy and hard meter and found that everything felt better. not easier, mind you; but better.
and so, i'm digging into the 'hard' things i struggle with as a parent. and i'm unraveling the 'hard' things that create those struggles.
it's not easy.
but it is better.
d: less withholding
b: i'm not afraid of hard.
g: it is better.
Monday, March 8, 2010
exits
narrowing the exits
i only recently heard this expression, or actually read this expression, in a favorite relationship book of haley's and it really struck me. the phrase refers to a conscious effort to reduce, and eventually eliminate, the mechanisms in which we 'exit' uncomfortable situations. all sorts of things from distraction to drug abuse to isolation to work addiction to tv-vegetating to.. well, you get the picture. all these things and more can serve as exits.
when i read about exits, my first thought was 'sleep!' and even more than that - sleeping with my eyes open. i've been thinking for a while that my sleepy-state-of-mind had a deeper root in my mind than my sleep doctor wanted to admit; but this idea of it being a figurative and literal relationship exit really clicked for me.
the suggestion by the author is to stop yourself when your foot starts heading out the door, so to speak, and confront the emotion that is giving you the boot. and so i committed to doing that. because, while i know with absolute certainty that my body is becoming physically sleepy - so sleepy i can barely keep my eyes open at times, i also know that my body is only acting out the established response pattern my brain has established.
change my brain, ie change my mind, and therefore change my body. i believe it's that simple.
i quit taking the nuvigil. i figured if i'm going to confront the exit-causing-emotion, i'll have to experience the urge to exit.
two weeks so far.
still awake.
barely, at times.
but awake nonetheless.
and two weeks in i've learned that when situations become draining, literally draining of my energy, i hit the door. it can be as simple as the boys being rowdy or wanting me to watch a youtube video for the umpteenth time; or as complex and emotional as someone i care about hurting or struggling. at those times my desire to play along or to help wages war with my instinct to hibernate and i often find myself in a daze. a sleepy daze.
it's been exhausting, all this staying awake. but i'm happy to report that the exhaustion is from all that i'm seeing and feeling, rather than what i'm missing.
d: closed exits.
b: i've narrowed them considerably.
g: it's quite warm and safe in here.
i only recently heard this expression, or actually read this expression, in a favorite relationship book of haley's and it really struck me. the phrase refers to a conscious effort to reduce, and eventually eliminate, the mechanisms in which we 'exit' uncomfortable situations. all sorts of things from distraction to drug abuse to isolation to work addiction to tv-vegetating to.. well, you get the picture. all these things and more can serve as exits.
when i read about exits, my first thought was 'sleep!' and even more than that - sleeping with my eyes open. i've been thinking for a while that my sleepy-state-of-mind had a deeper root in my mind than my sleep doctor wanted to admit; but this idea of it being a figurative and literal relationship exit really clicked for me.
the suggestion by the author is to stop yourself when your foot starts heading out the door, so to speak, and confront the emotion that is giving you the boot. and so i committed to doing that. because, while i know with absolute certainty that my body is becoming physically sleepy - so sleepy i can barely keep my eyes open at times, i also know that my body is only acting out the established response pattern my brain has established.
change my brain, ie change my mind, and therefore change my body. i believe it's that simple.
i quit taking the nuvigil. i figured if i'm going to confront the exit-causing-emotion, i'll have to experience the urge to exit.
two weeks so far.
still awake.
barely, at times.
but awake nonetheless.
and two weeks in i've learned that when situations become draining, literally draining of my energy, i hit the door. it can be as simple as the boys being rowdy or wanting me to watch a youtube video for the umpteenth time; or as complex and emotional as someone i care about hurting or struggling. at those times my desire to play along or to help wages war with my instinct to hibernate and i often find myself in a daze. a sleepy daze.
it's been exhausting, all this staying awake. but i'm happy to report that the exhaustion is from all that i'm seeing and feeling, rather than what i'm missing.
d: closed exits.
b: i've narrowed them considerably.
g: it's quite warm and safe in here.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
laundry
i've always been puzzled by the expression 'don't air your dirty laundry in public' because who really airs dirty laundry? i understand the intention behind the idiom, but as a metaphor i think it falls short.
yesterday i wrote a blog that i subsequently deleted. it would probably fall in the category of dirty laundry, or at least things better discussed in private. so, apologies if you clicked the link that i failed to delete from facebook only to be greeted by a page-not-found-message.
growing up one of my chores was hanging the clean laundry on the clothes line. of course, no chore is desirable to a child, but i remember enjoying the ritual of it. the laundry smelled delicious right after the washer and it was cool and wet, a welcome combination in the muggy heat of savannah. there were strict guidelines about the proper way to hang each item to ensure the dried, stiff article would be wearable without excessive ironing. and though my shoulders would ache, i loved the way the wooden clothes pins felt between my small fingers and the corridors of waving shirts and towels that enclosed me as i emptied the basket.
clean laundry airing in the not-quite-public of our back yard. that's what i remember. i'd dry my laundry that way now if i didn't have a pesky homeowner's association that would surely object.
sigh
at any rate, i think it's a good policy to keep the dirty laundry in the basket and the clean laundry on the line. and that's all i really have to say about it.
d: fresh, clean laundry drying in the sun
b: page-not-found
g: good advice
yesterday i wrote a blog that i subsequently deleted. it would probably fall in the category of dirty laundry, or at least things better discussed in private. so, apologies if you clicked the link that i failed to delete from facebook only to be greeted by a page-not-found-message.
growing up one of my chores was hanging the clean laundry on the clothes line. of course, no chore is desirable to a child, but i remember enjoying the ritual of it. the laundry smelled delicious right after the washer and it was cool and wet, a welcome combination in the muggy heat of savannah. there were strict guidelines about the proper way to hang each item to ensure the dried, stiff article would be wearable without excessive ironing. and though my shoulders would ache, i loved the way the wooden clothes pins felt between my small fingers and the corridors of waving shirts and towels that enclosed me as i emptied the basket.
clean laundry airing in the not-quite-public of our back yard. that's what i remember. i'd dry my laundry that way now if i didn't have a pesky homeowner's association that would surely object.
sigh
at any rate, i think it's a good policy to keep the dirty laundry in the basket and the clean laundry on the line. and that's all i really have to say about it.
d: fresh, clean laundry drying in the sun
b: page-not-found
g: good advice
Friday, March 5, 2010
tears
tonight in a closet cleaning craze, i happened across an ann taylor shopping bag with two cardboard boxes inside. the ribbon handles were tied into a tight knot and i didn't recognize either the bag (ann taylor not being on my shopping circuit generally) or the boxes within.
i wrested the ribbons untied and extracted an old shirt box, filled to the brim with cards and letters from 1987. give or take a year. the mail was stamped with 22 cent stamps and mostly from my mother, in arkansas, to me, in savannah.
i was 12 and i'd just moved away to live with my dad.
every letter started with 'you don't know how much i miss you...' and ended with the same.
i slumped into the floor of my closet and reread every word.
and cried.
and cried.
todd is 12.
i can only imagine the heartbreak i'd feel if he moved twelve hours away.
but imagining is enough to break my heart.
d: less unexpected time capsules as i pack closets and cabinets.
b: i stumbled across just what i needed, right when i needed it.
g: there is healing in tears. or so i hear.
i wrested the ribbons untied and extracted an old shirt box, filled to the brim with cards and letters from 1987. give or take a year. the mail was stamped with 22 cent stamps and mostly from my mother, in arkansas, to me, in savannah.
i was 12 and i'd just moved away to live with my dad.
every letter started with 'you don't know how much i miss you...' and ended with the same.
i slumped into the floor of my closet and reread every word.
and cried.
and cried.
todd is 12.
i can only imagine the heartbreak i'd feel if he moved twelve hours away.
but imagining is enough to break my heart.
d: less unexpected time capsules as i pack closets and cabinets.
b: i stumbled across just what i needed, right when i needed it.
g: there is healing in tears. or so i hear.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
hunch
tonight i have a sneaking suspicion that haley is on her way here after work to surprise me. (if i'm wrong then i'll just chalk this up to wishful thinking, but if i'm right then i want to have this documentation that i was on to her.)
today i was at work for a full day. a full day following a full day at the office yesterday. yes, that's two in a row. and tomorrow i have another full day at work. that's three in a row for those of you mathematically-challenged. and i don't like it.
let me be clear, i actually am quite enjoying the work that i'm doing. and the freedom, for the most part, to work at my convenience and pace is luxury beyond belief - considering it's work after all. but i don't like the fact that for what will be three days in a row i'm unable to enjoy the daily routine of non-routine that always accommodates some time with haley.
and today i was ridiculously whiny about it. she was so sweet and calm and reassuring. said everything right. and yet still, i was pouty. when she got off the phone as she pulled up to work, we had planned to meet for breakfast before i go to work. she was even willing to get up early to appease my needy pleas (and she's a late sleeper, so that's a huge concession).
but if my hunch is right, this really is heart-melting behavior. and so, here i lay, with my laptop in bed, ears perked and head tilted toward the driveway, craning my neck to best hear approaching vehicles.. and hopeful. oh so hopeful.
...pause...
she's HERE!!!
yay, i was right. nevermind the rest of what i was going to say... my heart is melted and my baby needs my attention.
swoon.
d: to be half as good to her as she is to me
b: she still hasn't been able to pull one over on me.
g: she loves me. she really really does.
today i was at work for a full day. a full day following a full day at the office yesterday. yes, that's two in a row. and tomorrow i have another full day at work. that's three in a row for those of you mathematically-challenged. and i don't like it.
let me be clear, i actually am quite enjoying the work that i'm doing. and the freedom, for the most part, to work at my convenience and pace is luxury beyond belief - considering it's work after all. but i don't like the fact that for what will be three days in a row i'm unable to enjoy the daily routine of non-routine that always accommodates some time with haley.
and today i was ridiculously whiny about it. she was so sweet and calm and reassuring. said everything right. and yet still, i was pouty. when she got off the phone as she pulled up to work, we had planned to meet for breakfast before i go to work. she was even willing to get up early to appease my needy pleas (and she's a late sleeper, so that's a huge concession).
but if my hunch is right, this really is heart-melting behavior. and so, here i lay, with my laptop in bed, ears perked and head tilted toward the driveway, craning my neck to best hear approaching vehicles.. and hopeful. oh so hopeful.
...pause...
she's HERE!!!
yay, i was right. nevermind the rest of what i was going to say... my heart is melted and my baby needs my attention.
swoon.
d: to be half as good to her as she is to me
b: she still hasn't been able to pull one over on me.
g: she loves me. she really really does.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
season
it seems that i've somehow fallen into a tuesday night blogging pattern, which is a bit negligent when i really think about it. a dbg a week isn't really what i want for myself when it comes to recreational writing. but sometimes once a week is just about all i can muster.
these past couple of weeks have fallen into that category. i'm not even sure i can put a finger on the 'main' reason, though i know i blamed the olympics last tuesday. it seems like all of a sudden, my life is very full. and very exhausting.
to be fair, i'm always busy. that's really nothing new. but i've had the intention of getting my house on the market 'in the spring' and to this piscean spring is defined by march 1st. (never mind the sudden snow that was blowing furiously on my commute this morning, blinding me and offending my springtime mindset.) so, when i turned my calendar over to march this weekend (a couple days early, yeah yeah) i decided it was time to get that underway. really underway.
after all, a neighbor recently listed theirs and i've met two realtors in the past few weeks. god-winks? maybe. or maybe more like god-nudges.
saturday i put my garage back in order. meaning, i threw away a dumpster full of accumulated junk and shoved what was left into jigsaw-like formation against the walls and on the shelves. my car now neatly fits in on one side and the other is so empty we can even open the passenger side door without dinging it against the lawnmower or recycling bin.
sunday i tackled the second most daunting obstacle in the sell-my-house process. i told the boys.
it was a beautiful day and we were heading to piedmont park to enjoy the sunny, springlike temperature. i broke it gently, explaining the undeniable reality that this house is more than we need and more than i can afford. that wasn't a surprise and they took it well.
then todd said, 'just promise me we won't have to change schools.'
umm
and luke chimed in, 'don't tell me we're moving to the city.'
umm
'i can't promise you that, boys...'
cue the tears.
i assured them that schools are my number one priority when the time arrives to decide our next home and we discussed the possibility that it may take a (long) while for the house to sell.
'i know all you can think about right now is what you're losing.. but maybe there's some value in thinking about what we may gain,' i suggested. i began, 'i want a fenced in yard.' todd added, 'i want a hot tub.' luke interrupted, 'can we just stop talking about it?'
so, then i figured i may as well get all the unpleasantries out of the way at once and told them that when the house is officially up for sale i'll need their help keeping it tidy. read: additional chores.
silence in the car.
then luke reflects, 'that's like helping your enemy rob your favorite store, mommy.'
sigh
as we walked from our car we passed a house for rent that faced the park. it was a great house. in our price range. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. in the school district i've targeted. i pointed it out, not as a viable option, but as a nod to possibility. the boys were fairly dismissive of it.. until we crossed the street.
then todd said, 'if we lived there we could've come over here and slid down this hill when it snowed!' and luke said, 'i could learn to snow board!' (hey, he's 10!) and then they started looking around, 'is that the awesome pool we went to last summer? could we join?' and after throwing a ball around for an hour or so and running mega to sheer exhaustion, on the way back to the car todd said, 'maybe we could move over the summer and then we'd forget all about our old schools.'
silent cheer.
i drove them by the schools i've got in mind and we popped into yoforia. by the time we'd pulled up our green stools and compared topping combinations, moving into town had lost its bite and maybe, just maybe, taken on an aura of excitement. 'if we lived around here, we could walk to yoforia!'
i know there will be more anger and more tears before we pack up and move, just as our springlike weather was followed by a cold, wet snowy day; but this weekend it's supposed to be 60 and i trust the bright sun and newness of spring will eventually warm the boys to our new seasons.
d: a spring of readiness and a summer of change.
b: first two daunting house-selling tasks complete!
g: sons who trust me.
these past couple of weeks have fallen into that category. i'm not even sure i can put a finger on the 'main' reason, though i know i blamed the olympics last tuesday. it seems like all of a sudden, my life is very full. and very exhausting.
to be fair, i'm always busy. that's really nothing new. but i've had the intention of getting my house on the market 'in the spring' and to this piscean spring is defined by march 1st. (never mind the sudden snow that was blowing furiously on my commute this morning, blinding me and offending my springtime mindset.) so, when i turned my calendar over to march this weekend (a couple days early, yeah yeah) i decided it was time to get that underway. really underway.
after all, a neighbor recently listed theirs and i've met two realtors in the past few weeks. god-winks? maybe. or maybe more like god-nudges.
saturday i put my garage back in order. meaning, i threw away a dumpster full of accumulated junk and shoved what was left into jigsaw-like formation against the walls and on the shelves. my car now neatly fits in on one side and the other is so empty we can even open the passenger side door without dinging it against the lawnmower or recycling bin.
sunday i tackled the second most daunting obstacle in the sell-my-house process. i told the boys.
it was a beautiful day and we were heading to piedmont park to enjoy the sunny, springlike temperature. i broke it gently, explaining the undeniable reality that this house is more than we need and more than i can afford. that wasn't a surprise and they took it well.
then todd said, 'just promise me we won't have to change schools.'
umm
and luke chimed in, 'don't tell me we're moving to the city.'
umm
'i can't promise you that, boys...'
cue the tears.
i assured them that schools are my number one priority when the time arrives to decide our next home and we discussed the possibility that it may take a (long) while for the house to sell.
'i know all you can think about right now is what you're losing.. but maybe there's some value in thinking about what we may gain,' i suggested. i began, 'i want a fenced in yard.' todd added, 'i want a hot tub.' luke interrupted, 'can we just stop talking about it?'
so, then i figured i may as well get all the unpleasantries out of the way at once and told them that when the house is officially up for sale i'll need their help keeping it tidy. read: additional chores.
silence in the car.
then luke reflects, 'that's like helping your enemy rob your favorite store, mommy.'
sigh
as we walked from our car we passed a house for rent that faced the park. it was a great house. in our price range. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. in the school district i've targeted. i pointed it out, not as a viable option, but as a nod to possibility. the boys were fairly dismissive of it.. until we crossed the street.
then todd said, 'if we lived there we could've come over here and slid down this hill when it snowed!' and luke said, 'i could learn to snow board!' (hey, he's 10!) and then they started looking around, 'is that the awesome pool we went to last summer? could we join?' and after throwing a ball around for an hour or so and running mega to sheer exhaustion, on the way back to the car todd said, 'maybe we could move over the summer and then we'd forget all about our old schools.'
silent cheer.
i drove them by the schools i've got in mind and we popped into yoforia. by the time we'd pulled up our green stools and compared topping combinations, moving into town had lost its bite and maybe, just maybe, taken on an aura of excitement. 'if we lived around here, we could walk to yoforia!'
i know there will be more anger and more tears before we pack up and move, just as our springlike weather was followed by a cold, wet snowy day; but this weekend it's supposed to be 60 and i trust the bright sun and newness of spring will eventually warm the boys to our new seasons.
d: a spring of readiness and a summer of change.
b: first two daunting house-selling tasks complete!
g: sons who trust me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)