running

it's been a solid ten days since i've blogged. it's been a crazy busy ten days. though i can't say i'm a huge fan of running, i've been doing nothing but, it seems. and while i'm running around like a headless chicken i'm finding myself in the familiar place of forgetfulness. a paradox indeed.

yesterday i came home to find i'd left the hose running into the fish pond. for five hours. the sidewalk and street were well irrigated, i'll just say.

and though it's only been ten days, it feels like a solid month. too many sleep deprived nights on top of a tedious culling through of home options combined with the last ten days of school for the boys and..and..the running never stops.

today i went into a coffee shop with todd and luke and came out to find i'd left the car running. carefully parallel parked and yet keys in the ignition and engine running.

tomorrow is the first day of my summer vacation. though the boys were out today, i had to get to the office and take home one of their friends beforehand, making for an early morning just like all the other weekdays for the past nine months. running from one appointment to another until eight tonight. but tomorrow i'm not setting an alarm.

the boys visited our new house today. though i thought i'd found a house 'close enough' a couple of weeks ago circumstances conspired to bring me the 'perfect house' instead. and i couldn't be more pleased. i signed a two year lease. great schools. beautiful old house charm. a perfectly located and well appointed neighborhood. fenced back yard. twenty-three doors. and two bathrooms. ('close enough' only had one.)

vacations are coming. starting tomorrow we're on maximum relaxation and minimum obligation mode. for the next two and a half weeks. though i have to work a few days next week, it will be sandwiched between four days at the lake, six days at the beach, and four days in the mountains.

the faucet is turned off. the keys are out of the ignition. the run has slowed to a walk.

and the finish line is in sight.

d: replenishment
b: accomplishment
g: denouement

turn-around

some may see the recent decisions i've made as a step backwards in terms of fiscal responsibility, but i beg to differ.

about seven years ago i opted to stay in my house when i really should have sold it. i was letting go of a relationship and couldn't take on the added stress of moving out of my nearly newborn house. but honestly, hindsight being 20/20 and all, i couldn't afford it alone. i took out a variable rate loan and as the interest rate climbed, so did my angst. eventually i was forced to refinance into a fixed rate - fixed at a payment that created a negative cash flow avalanche...for the past three years. (or maybe four?) *sigh*

as the avalanche crashed down around me, so did my credit score. late payments. increasing revolving credit debt. and general robbing-peter-to-pay-paul cash management decisions. after all, i'm a gen x'er and we did learn how to charge in the 80's and 90's, if nothing else.

but this week i've made a decision to turn that around. it's essential. so the boys and i are downsizing. we're going to live smaller. we're going to live greener. and we're going to live in the black.

and as for this house... well, it's going to sell. one way or the other. at full price, with a miracle, or at a loss. either way, i'm cutting my loss right now. today.

d: a signed lease on a property identified
b: finally a responsible financial decision
g: i live in a universe of abundance

maximizing

finding a house, particularly a rental, is sort of like finding a job. or maybe more like hiring the right person for a job. in both cases the interviewee feels like they have the hard role, but really it's the interviewer (or home seeker) whose choice either will set them up for a comfortable fit or months to years of inconvenient hassle.

this is the first time i've looked at houses for myself in over seven years and more than a decade since i've considered rentals. it's quite the adventure. at the first house i saw the landlord was leaning up against the front porch reading a book called, 'the paradox of choice'. haley asked him about it and he told us that the author described two types of people, "maximizers" and "satisficers".

the maximizers turn over every stone, researching and searching for every possible option when presented with a choice. they won't rest until they are certain they are making the right decision and even then, they will continue to validate the choice. the satisficers will look just enough to make a choice, make it, and move on. (or at least this is what i gathered from a five minute conversation with the guy.)

haley and i make a balanced max/sat team and i'm grateful for that. her determination to see everything is pushing me through my impatience and readiness to be satisfied. and of course, the fact that every single house is somehow dysfunctionally quirky.

i've identified one house that i have a vision for. i've got my fingers crossed it will work out. because so far the alternatives are absolutely comic in their absurdity. (closets converted to half baths enclosed with a curtain, back porches walled in to create 3rd bedrooms, basements filled with appliance 'collections', stairs capped off with enormous checkerboard constructions, and the list goes on)

but regardless of the draining nature of disappointment, the promise of a home that i can afford and recreate my life in without the hours of commuting being a component is worth every minute. even if i have to maximize in order to get there, the satisfaction on the other side will be the reward.

d: the perfect home, in the perfect time.
b: i have a vision.
g: i have time.

clearing

it's been too many days since i've written. too many and yet i'm not full or overflowing yet. it seems that though i've had moments where the stories were all running together and begging for their page they've been squashed between some hard realities.

and here i sit. still fairly squashed but feeling a little more breathing room. enough that i want to attempt to write.

yesterday i was asked, 'did you get anything nice for mother's day?' and i stopped and thought for a second and then replied, 'well i spent a pretty day outside at the renaissance festival with my boys and haley.. and had a nice dinner out?' with that questioning lilt at the end of my sentence, as if to ask for approval. my friend said, 'oh really?' and i said, 'yeah.. i can't really think of anything more that i'd have wanted.' in fact, i felt sort of the way i do when i miss the punchline of a joke. as if i wasn't paying attention and something slipped by me. wait, was i supposed to want for some sort of precious mother's day gift? oops. i thought i got one.

todd had a difficult day at school yesterday. a middle school angst that there really isn't an easy way through and no advice that can help. he wanted to talk to me about it privately and then i had to play the hardest role a mom can: listener. he's at that awkward age where one second i see little boy and the next i see teenager, and for every waffle between the two he has an internal struggle. i can hug him. and then i can't. i can see his anger. and i can see his fear. and all i can do is say 'god, i'm so sorry. middle school sucks.' and try to hold back my own tears of empathy. we did a dbg at dinner last night and todd's d was 'a better day at school tomorrow.' today he cheerfully told me 'it was a thousand times better.' all is forgotten. perpetrator playing basketball in the driveway with him, todd laughing as though no tears were ever shed.

i haven't been properly to the gym in nearly two weeks. i've been riding my bike fanatically, attending taekwondo, and nursing some injuries; but mostly i've been beating myself up. for not going to the gym, that is. sigh. seems that i haven't quite made the mental changes i desire, yet.

but.. the clouds are parting. in other news, haley and i have finally had a day together. just us. to just do the things we wanted and needed to do. we hadn't been able to fit one in as one or both of us were with our parents the entirety of the prior eleven days. i needed it. she needed it. now i want another eleven days just like yesterday, it was so good.

(unfortunately that pesky thing called work is interfering.)

and i think i'm about to get out from under this house. one way or the other, i am. i have to. the slow bleed is killing me. i'm ready for an amputation.

so, though it's only tuesday, i feel every minute of the week weighing down upon me. and the weekend oh too far away.

d: continued cloud clearing
b: the most precious mother's day gift is mine: motherhood
g: forced writing. random perhaps, but writing nonetheless.

daydream

daydreaming. one of my favorite things to do. i credit it with my survival in fact. then sometimes i can get so lost in a daydream, i'm simply lost.

today i put my house in impeccable order for a showing. (there haven't been many in the month plus i've had it on the market, so it was cause for special preparation.) i was literally vacuuming myself out the door to taekwondo, putting on my uniform in the laundry room, and tying my belt as i walked into class to make it on time.

but then, as luck would have it, the realtor's 'master key' wouldn't open my lockbox. no matter that it opened the five houses before mine. and of course, for the first time in years, i had double checked that all my doors were locked. (because for some reason i thought that might be an impression worth making. as if anyone would notice.)

so, all that frantic, fastidious prep for naught.

except for the daydream. because in my frenzy of last minute mopping and dusting, my mind wandered far away. and as i drove around the city today i took a third glance (because i always take a second) at the homes for rent and even the ones for sale.. (after all, sellers are becoming lessors every day.)

i really can't even let myself go there...it seems so far away. someone has to at least see my house in order to buy it and that's proving to be an event that cycles with the blue moon. but when things are feeling so overwhelming and indefinite and increasingly difficult daydreaming is my best escape mechanism.

d: real life worth leaving the daydream for
b: my house is extremely clean
g: a healthy coping mechanism?

mind

two years ago i made a decision to get healthy. it feels like five years ago, but i just counted on my fingers and i know it wasn't. today i was looking for some paperwork and ran across my original gym contract and the page where my first trainer documented my measurements, body fat, weight, etc.

i took those numbers to my laptop where i currently document the same measurements and compared. my weight is nearly unchanged. three pounds more, to be precise, but basically the same. and yet, every body measurement has increased.

hmm. what does that mean? i know.. i know. i know what it means.

haley tells me that fit people aren't skinny. i replay that mantra in my head over and over because despite what i know about my health and fitness now versus two years ago i am more insecure about my body now than i was ever before.

i'm sure it's not good business as a personal trainer to admit that my own body image has taken a nose dive since i've started becoming fit, but sometimes i see that in myself. and i'm disappointed. and puzzled. and ashamed. i know i shouldn't feel this way.

i used to participate in an online community for fitness junkies. i met some really great people there actually. tonight as i've had this come-to-jesus with myself over my self-image, one of the threads i read there came to mind. it was called 'things the scale didn't tell me' or something like that; in it people shared their accomplishments that weren't quantifiable with a scale or tape measure.

and i know i can make a long list of those things. a very long list.
that list is why i can't go two days in a row without working out.
that list is why i don't fear my body betraying me with illness or disease.
that list is why i feel able to do any physical thing i put my mind to.

and yet, somewhere along the way, i have put an ideal image in my mind that seems to only make me feel worse and worse.

must make a change. not in the gym. not in the kitchen.
just in my head.

d: a new minds-eye.
b: i can do anything i put my mind to.
g: change of mind: imminent.