so, as per usual, the calendar has made a liar out of me. it's really been a month since i've written here? guess i'm not back after all.
over the past month (or two) (see, i think 'a month' but then when i really stop and consult my calendar i see that it's actually been twice that.. which does seem to be a common theme in my life), i've been examining my life under the influence of a new drug. er, i mean, a new diagnosis. i haven't wanted to blog about it because i just wasn't sure where it would all net out and i'm not really up to the scrutiny and pontification on the subject from everyone i know.
but anyway, here i am. anyone that knows me, or my blog, knows i have serious memory issues. it's always been this way and it's pervasive, from the experiences in my own recent history (sometimes as recent as yesterday) to the basic world history facts we all learned in elementary school (and ad nauseum every academic year thereafter). i've blamed it on my sleep disorder and i've credited it as a coping mechanism and i've chalked it up to too many artificial sweeteners. but hell, i didn't know.
what i did know is that i've always lived in a daydream.. one foot on the ground, but just barely, and just not entirely present. unless i'm high on adrenaline for some reason: drama, passion, despair. now i come to find out, much to my amazement, it's not just a trait of my zodiac sign, but apparently a function of my brain mal-function. my attention deficit brain. yep, as a 37 year old woman, i've been diagnosed with adhd. go figure.
when i mentioned it to my long term, but occasional, therapist, she said, 'oh yeah, i know. it's right here in this paperwork you did in 2005. you scored in the clinical range then.' i said, 'really? we never talked about it,' vaguely recalling her mentioning and then dismissing it (or did i?). she said, 'it wasn't something you were concerned with...' i didn't know then what i know now.
in my usual somewhat obsessive way, i immediately read three academic books on both the established and latest research and quickly realized that i've been a textbook case all my life, and wow could things have been different for me had i known.
i won't bore you, or myself, with the intricacies of my discovery; but let's just say it's been a mixed bag. exciting and depressing. frustrating and hopeful. addition and subtraction.
in the addition column i place a new ability to hear my boys. i can listen to an entire monologue of teenage antics, classroom hijinks, or play-by-play plot narration of the latest hawaii five o without zoning out. it's changed my entire relationship with my sons. i also count the ability to work, when i need to - rather than when the deadline is looming, and effectively cross things off my to-do list. i find in the addition column a real sense of calm. (ironically, since i'm taking a stimulant right?) i find that i can put my mind in a place..and it stays there.
sidenote: that one is a bit disconcerting, actually. i have to be careful not to put it somewhere negative, because i won't easily get distracted from that negative place.. and i can linger in a bad memory or a self-destructive thought for way longer than i'm accustomed to. it's curious.
other additions: significant loss of interest in food (yippee!) and unlimited energy for exercise (double yippee!). an ability to stay engaged in a tennis match, all the way to its bitter end. (yes, i could find myself daydreaming in between serve and return prior to this. not a good thing for a scoring match.) i also feel more positive, empathic feelings, for the people in my life who i love. i often find myself simply loving them more. appreciating them more. i know these feelings have been there all along, but i couldn't still myself long enough to feel, let alone express, them.
but every half full glass is also half empty, and the subtractions are there too. when my mind used to flit from thing to thing, it was electric. not energizing in a particularly productive way, like a power plant, but more like static electricity - a spark. i never knew where i'd land, mentally, and that made it sort of fun. my mind is quiet now. and sometimes it's so quiet, it even bores me. hence, now that i have the ability to focus and theoretically write (!), the spark is so dim, i barely feel it.
that's about it though. i guess that's pretty good. mostly additions. just one notable subtraction. i know that i'll figure it out. i know that i'll find other ways to generate that spark. it's flickering in the embers..waiting for a steady bellow to ignite it. steady, i have. the bellow? it's coming..
d: more add, less sub
b: only 37 years distracted, many more to be present
g: access to the steady..steadily making me a better person
