gravity

Honey, it's been a long time coming

And I can't stop now

Such a long time running

And I can't stop now

Do you hear my heart beating? 

Can you hear that sound?

Cause I can't help thinking

And I don't look down

three and a half years is a long time.  that's how long it's been since my marriage ended and, by far, some of the lowest years of my life.  i went through all the stages of grief, backwards, forwards and over again before i reached a point of acceptance.  

and then, once there, it took me a bit (ok, a lot) longer to realize that i had been grieving more than the divorce, i was also grieving my dream of 'happily ever after' and 'the one,' for it became more and more clear that i didn't believe it could happen again.  'what if we only get one shot at it?' i bemoaned.  and did i deserve another great love anyway? 

a long time coming, indeed.  

And then I looked up at the sun

And I could see

Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me

And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun

And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone

a little over a month ago, on the verge of throwing in the proverbial towel for the umpteenth time, i had a moment of neptunian romanticism and decided to update my somewhat apathetic online dating profile with a clear, albeit wordy, description of what i want.  who i am.  who i'm drawn to.  and though it was raw and honest, and left me exposed (perhaps as a woman who had set the bar too high), i felt as if i had no choice but to publish it.  even though i'd already literally deleted every local woman - save two - from the search results, i couldn't not say it.

the way that gravity pulls, indeed. 

Baby, it's been a long time waiting

Such a long, long time

And I can't stop smiling

No, I can't stop now

And do you hear my heart beating? 

Ah, can you hear that sound? 

Cause I can't help crying

And I won't look down

what do you know, forty-eight hours later, my package arrived.  (sort of like amazon prime.  guaranteed two-day delivery for free, which i absolutely expect from every online retailer now and am constantly disappointed and boggled by their inability to deliver on.)  it does beg the question, how many times do i have to see the power of manifestation in my life before it stops surprising me.  it took me a minute to realize i wasn't imagining her.. that she wasn't purely a creation of fantasy assigned to a person on the other side of a cyber chasm of space and time.  (and by 'minute' i mean a couple of weeks and looking into her smiling eyes, face-to-face.) 

can't stop smiling, indeed. 

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see

Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me

And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky

And the way that gravity pulls on you and I, on you and I

it's been five weeks and though that's but a speck in time, it has changed me forever, already.  opening up my world with hope and love and overflowing gratitude. 

gravity turns, indeed.  

Can you hear my heart beating? 

Can you hear that sound? 

Cause I can't help crying

And I won't look down

(lyrics to 'Gravity' by Embrace) 

the tears are of joy and my eyes are held high.  and if you could hear that sound, it might resemble a train whistle.  

d:  hear the sound

b:  i set the bar high

g:  she blew it away

kite

a few years ago i became utterly obsessed with astrology.  for a couple years i studied it intensely, working with a mentor and poring over the natal charts of everyone i knew.  (and some i didn't.)  i had always known that i typified my piscean sun sign; ever awash in emotion and its continual motion.  but one of the things i learned about my chart, and immediately recognized in my life, is the dominant configuration of nearly all the celestial bodies in my chart (8 of 11) in what's called a grand trine.  well, several grand trines overlapping in fact.  

what does that mean?  literally it means that there are at least 3 planets in a equilateral, triangular configuration, 120 degrees between each.  but more importantly, it's an insulating configuration.  allows for easy energy flow between the planets involved and among the houses of the chart involved.  which, admittedly, probably still doesn't mean much to most people.  but when i say insulating  i do mean exactly what i say.  grand trines tend to protect people from the struggle that their psychological urges, in their respective signs and houses, would otherwise present.  grand trine people tend to coast a little bit.  some are described as lucky or seen as inexplicably oblivious or resilient to the hardships they encounter.

when this dynamic was explained to me for the first time, i didn't make much of it.  set it aside and let it marinate.  and then, as astrology is wont to do, it started to make sense.  i began to see the cushioning effect in my life.  the absence of concern or worry, even when perhaps i should; my inability to hold on to details, particularly of painful experiences; and a pervasive sense that everything will work out, even when it's clearly falling apart.  

the grand trine often suggests a lackadaisical or laissez-faire approach; and despite all of my intensity, i admit, i paradoxically have the market cornered on laissez-faire.  lackadaisical, not so much.  lackadaisical is defined as 'lacking enthusiasm or determination' and 'carelessly lazy.'  when i relayed my disagreement to my astrology mentor, it presented him with a teachable moment.  one of my grand trines, it turns out, is actually a 'kite.' meaning there's an extra planet involved, creating a kite-like shape (go figure).. and he told me the significance is that it 'provides a way out of the trine.'  

if you're as lost as i was, perhaps this will help.  imagine, if you will, a napkin blowing off a picnic table...caught in the breeze and wafting easily and aimlessly (read: lackadaisical) wherever the wind may blow.  now, imagine on the same windy day, at the same picnic, that you brought along a kite.  and as you lift it aloft to the breeze it takes flight, dipping and soaring at your command.  why?  

sure, you may find the immediate flaw in my illustration as a napkin isn't designed to fly and a kite is; or a napkin is untethered for control and a kite is attached to a string.  but a simple lesson in aerodynamics will direct you to the importance of resistance.  the tail provides drag and the wind  provides lift and together they create flight.  

over the past couple years, my heart has been broken repeatedly and regularly by the news of systemic racism taking another life in our country, too often at the hands of those we employ and entrust with our safety.  but over and over, i expect the headline to be the last of its kind.  over and over, i expect our predominantly white government to step up and recognize the injustice, with remorse, restitution, and remedy.  i cannot relate in any way to the victims or the perpetrators and it's unimaginable to me how such prejudice and hate exist at all.  

for all the benefit of my protective grand trines, i hold them equally at fault for my naivete and hopeful optimism on this matter.  

but not any more.  last friday todd and i joined nearly ten thousand protesters in the streets of downtown atlanta to march for racial justice.  headstrong into the winds of ignorance, denial, and fear, together we attempted to create some drag.

interviewed on the news, yep.  probably because i was white.  

on a personal level, it was moving: sobering and empowering all at once.  i felt immensely powerful and, simultaneously, a very small part in what necessarily must be an enormous movement.  it was both heartbreaking and heart-lifting. i felt such a bond and commonality with those around me and yet more disconnected and dismayed at those who stood idly by.  

the paradox of these emotions, swirling and clashing all at once, left me drained.  i retreated over the weekend into my grand trines, insulated and protected.  and then it hit me.  like a kite to the forehead.  

wind resistance..perpendicular force..lift 

the resistance of a tail in tow..drag

together: flight.  

d: i never lose my tail

b: flight via fight

g: kite to the forehead

framed

elasticity of time. 

say that aloud.  it feels good. just the right balance of s and t.  

it's been stuck in my head for a few days now, like the refrain of a song lacking in melody.  so after muttering it under my breath for 72 hours, i googled it.  i had a feeling it didn't mean what i had assigned it... (but i only half cared, hence the 72 hour delay.)

i was right.  it's frequently associated with einstein's theory of relativity and the principle of time dilation.  i had it pegged more for the strange phenomenon of time in which it can feel like both a moment and an epic all in one breath; or as if it happened yesterday, yet has existed forever. 

i was wrong too though.  upon dipping my toe into einstein's work in quantum physics, i immediately cared.  

it all came rushing back, a familiarity born of a past obsession with the film What the Bleep.  a film that came into my life at just the right time and resonated.  it's sort of a quantum-physics-lite course that i'm sure made physicists all the world round cringe.  (but this, i really don't care about.)  it remains one of my favorite films and one of the few i watch over and over. 

but obviously it's been a while.  because i read journal article after article as if it were brand new. 

to put it simply, the theory of relativity states that as an item's speed increases, time slows down.  (i know, i know, i'm oversimplifying.)  this has formed the basis of many a time travel film and sounds ludicrous at face value.  that's what they all said when he proposed it too, in 1905, with no empirical evidence.  but fast forward 35 years and what do you know, he was right. loads of studies have proven it.  

einstein's theory was based on a notion of time as something measured in a frame of reference.  i envision that i'm watching time pass outside a window, literally, and if the window is then accelerated in motion, time slows down.  and while i'm certainly not in motion, particularly not anywhere near the speed of light (which is when it starts to actually matter), i am employing the theory of relativity to explain my own paradoxical time phenomenon. 

though my body isn't moving, my mind has been on overdrive...racing at an immeasurable speed (literally) powered by life, love, and a cocktail of serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin.  and yet, time has slowed down, expanded, and wrapped itself around a few short weeks, morphing them into something much, much richer.  

frame of reference. 

in motion. 

d:  acceleration

b:  expansion

g:  power conversion

squint

it was probably a dozen years ago when i first watched Bowling for Columbine.  i didn't see it immediately, but rather on dvd a couple years after release.  i recall being dumbfounded.  my world was smaller then and my abundant idealism obscured reality.  it was a period in my life though when the blinds were opened, one twist at a time.

with each turn of the rod, i not only saw more, but i squinted more.  in many ways, i have always believed myself insulated from the dangers and dangerous.  it infuriates those in my life who are self-described worriers, but i figure i balance out their fear with unabated optimism.  so as my heart has broken more with each passing headline, my eyes have narrowed in response.

and before you comment that this is the problem with people: willful ignorance let me clarify.  i am not turning from facts. i am not turning my head and pretending the evil and pain are merely there if i look.  on the contrary, as the blinds have opened, i find myself pressed against the glass, aching to see more.

my eye doctor once explained to me that there are two general patterns of vision impairment.  those who have terrible vision at a very young age and whose vision must be corrected with strong lenses forever.  and then those whose vision starts to degrade in puberty, levels out in the early twenties, and then improves slightly in your thirties.

and then there are those who have perfect vision their entire adult lives.  until middle age.  

regardless of your vision prior, it's an accepted fact that most people will suffer some age-related degeneration in middle age.  and it's then that we begin to squint.  i say 'we', but mind you, i'm not in this category yet.  let the record reflect that.  if you are of this certain age you can confirm, the squint does not impair the vision; but rather enables the eye to focus more clearly.  

it is this effect that my squinting strives to achieve. i squint to block the rhetoric. i squint to block the noise: the blame and fear.  i squint to block the clouding circumstance. and i focus my vision where my heart is focused, on loving compassion and hope for imminent change.

d: middle age squint for all
b: hope springs eternal
g: not quite middle age yet, per my eye doctor

newton

i started this blog as an observation on down and out.  i considered breaking (one word title) form and entitling it as such; but then i was struck by the visual marriage of the two words. down..out: doubt... and perhaps it's more than an optical illusion.

spiralling down and out, my thoughts and feelings feeding off each other.. and multiplying the doubts.  doubt in my direction, my purpose, my place.  doubt in my perceptions, my impressions, my understanding. and ultimately in myself.  

but like a spring, i'm resilient.  i've been in difficult low spots before, wondering and dismayed.  disappointed and disillusioned.  and doubting my judgment and decisions.  

and like a spring, with every contraction and expansion, it gets a little easier.  

a loose interpretation of newton's third law and an overarching belief in karma assures me that for as low as i've dropped.. as far as i've spiraled down into doubt, there is an upswing coming.  an expansion.  a spiral outward and upward that i am certain of.  

today marks a week of momentum.  forward momentum.  upward momentum.  positive momentum.  my friends reached in and lifted me up unexpectedly, three days in a row.  jobs with exceptional potential, three at a time.  and both boys celebrated small personal victories.

so now i'm invoking newton's first law of motion as i ride this spiral the other direction and preparing to harness this energy for what's to come.  

d:  powerful manifestation

b:  powerful resilience

g:  powerful inertia