a dbg a day...

add-traction

2011-04-03T18:51:00.003-04:00

so, as per usual, the calendar has made a liar out of me. it's really been a month since i've written here? guess i'm not back after all. over the past month (or two) (see, i think 'a month' but then when i really stop and consult my calendar i see that it's actually been twice that.. which does seem to be a common theme in my life), i've been examining my life under the influence of a new drug

once-in-a-lifetime

2011-03-03T11:30:00.004-05:00

so, i'm sure nobody expected me to be writing again so soon. i mean, if i had a dime for every time i said, 'i'm getting back to my blog' i wouldn't be stressing the wedding expenses..or anything else. but here i am, less than 24 hours later, and burning with a topic about which i want to vent, er i mean, creatively express myself. and i can't. or rather, i shouldn't. in a rare exercise of

comeback

2011-03-02T20:54:00.003-05:00

today i played my third tennis match of the season. i won. in three sets. (which means i lost the first one, in case you're as tennis illiterate as i was two years ago.) at some point in the first set i noticed that my mind was already doing the calculations on my division rating assuming a loss. i was even crafting a facebook status despairing the match. in the first set. and when i

nest

2011-02-01T22:20:00.008-05:00

we officially moved into our house on yorkshire seven months ago. it seems like years since we lived in snellville though. that being said, it's taken a full seven months to make our yorkie house feel like home, as convoluted as that may sound.when we found the house we knew it had good bones. as they say. the spaces felt good. color on the walls immediately helped. but then after that it's

blue

2011-01-30T23:14:00.002-05:00

went and saw blue valentine tonight. what a bummer. tremendous acting and writing. but heartbreaking.i think because it seems so real. so believable. and so scary. here i am on the precipice of making a lifelong commitment and in every way certain of my intention and love and at the same time shoveling the earth off a buried dinosaur egg in my own personality and uncertain how to pry it

k.i.s.s.

2011-01-28T22:18:00.003-05:00

hi, my name is jessica. i'm a bride eight and a half months from my wedding date and it's been twenty days since my last blogging. it probably goes without saying that my obsession du jour is wedding planning but i've also read three (and a half) novels and two non-fiction books totally unrelated to said obsession over the past four weeks. so multiply that by two or three, to include the

gestation

2011-01-08T23:04:00.003-05:00

nine months from this night i'll be celebrating my marriage to the love of my life.nine months.the only other times in my life i've been as invested in nine months i was growing my sons. here in the first trimester of growing a wedding i'm experiencing the same single-minded focus, frenzied excitement, and occasional waves of nervous nausea i did then. happy to report though, unlike my

betrothed

2010-12-23T19:02:00.005-05:00

the eve to christmas eve, i can't believe it. i've been counting the days until the 25th for the past month and now, less than two days away, i have to remind myself it's almost here. still need to wrap some presents. still need to get some work done for my office job. all of a sudden though, i just can't seem to get my head in the game. my usual level of distraction is so far exceeded that

fanfare

2010-12-18T22:48:00.002-05:00

last saturday todd tested for his black belt in taekwondo. to say i was proud is an understatement. the full swell of pride was only tempered by the emotional surge i had the night before, when i watched his last class before the pivotal exam, and was brought to tears by the magnitude of change i saw. i've been taking him to martial arts classes for years now. and i've watched him work his way

amusings

2010-12-14T21:12:00.003-05:00

it's been years, at least 14, since i've been in a laundromat. but just yesterday i walked out of the gym with haley and said "mmm, that smells good..like a laundromat". she said "really? all i smell is the greasy cheesesteak place," looking to our left at the armpit of ansley mall. i don't know why i smelled laundry right then..maybe the wind was blowing some lint scented air from the

cookie

2010-11-17T18:07:00.002-05:00

-photo by renee lewisthere's something about baking..not that i do it much, but i do love the process and result. of course, the best part is the aroma when something delicious is in the oven.watching todd turn into a teenager reminds me of baking. i've been so, so impatient for him to get there. to see how he turns out. to watch him rise through those pivotal years into a young man. but

winner

2010-11-15T21:31:00.005-05:00

last week i had two training clients make quite opposite but both powerful insights about themselves. one woman told me that she needed to be pushed because she doesn't believe she can push herself beyond "hard". fairly common refrain in personal training. even other trainers have told me they regularly hire trainers themselves to get that extra push beyond the comfort zone. i firmly

thawing

2010-11-05T22:31:00.004-04:00

for the past three days i've been itching to write. i've opened my computer at night and considered putting my disconnected and jumbled thoughts and feelings to words. and then, because my fingers wouldn't move, i didn't. and i don't mean 'wouldn't move' in the figurative writer's block way. i mean, 'wouldn't move' as in stiff as little twigs and unable to bend. or maybe a better visual would

dis-comforted

2010-11-02T21:47:00.002-04:00

they say there's comfort in numbers. they say that misery loves company. today is election day. today is foreclosure day. one has a silver lining and the other doesn't seem to. (yet)i've been at the old house several times over the past few weeks. thinking each time that i'm done and then discovering another nook of memories unsorted and uncollected. the scent of the house was the most

easy

2010-10-20T10:07:00.003-04:00

well, it's been ages since i've written anything. at least anything worth publishing. and honestly, i don't know that this will be any different; but i'm going to give it a shot at least. luke and i just joined my mom for four days in our nation's capitol. my earliest memories are of that city so it's a special treat to go back and share it with my boys. the only two visits i've made there

hurry

2010-09-30T21:47:00.002-04:00

today i went by my old house to check on things and fill the fish pond. i hadn't been there in a week or so and it's always a treat to see what the neighbors have lifted off our property in the interim. this time however it wasn't the neighbors (i think everything has already been taken that's not tied down), but rather the bank.we're slated for foreclosure next week barring the miracle of a

vroom

2010-09-18T22:06:00.004-04:00

vroom. tonight my mind is racing and i'm trying hard to keep up.todd has a friend over and the only thing that they've found to entertain themselves with is some abduction role play; to which i've now put a firm foot down upon. the sound of falling bodies, hysterical laughter, and the ensuing eruption of ferocious barking bedlam quickly alerted me that i needed to intervene. now they're

cushion

2010-09-14T14:41:00.004-04:00

i'm decidedly awake today. and yesterday. and the day before, even. it may be drug induced, but regardless my eyes are wide open.but, there are two sides to every coin. (and every forehand too, as i just discovered. more on that later.) and without the fog of sleepiness, in the light of day, i am noticing something else missing.a cushion.i generally am a pretty laid back person. i have my

chicken

2010-09-08T23:37:00.000-04:00

for most of my childhood and early adulthood i journaled religiously. and daily. i recorded everything that happened to me. no matter how trivial. no matter how mundane. i have hundreds and hundreds of pages of spiral notebooks, pages covered front and back, cover to cover detailing the conversations and nuances of ten years or more of my life.and then at some point, i stopped. and what i

breakneck

2010-08-30T22:03:00.003-04:00

tonight as i sit and watch the us open, i am acutely aware that my left elbow is aching more than my right. and appropriately i can only attribute it to tennis. since tentatively trying out the racket for the first time a couple of weeks ago and noticing no ill effects in my still healing (right) elbow, i've been dragging haley to the court at every opportunity. and while she's in florida,

siren

2010-08-25T23:08:00.004-04:00

On the girl's brown legs there were many small white scars. I was thinking, Do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and the moons on your dress? I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars

early-ish

2010-08-24T21:10:00.003-04:00

i'm not a person who needs a lot of sleep. despite my tendency to fall asleep at any seated opportunity, i can function pretty capably on a steady six hours per night. but something is definitely amiss since school started. i've got a throbbing pain behind my eyes telling me to close them through the day. i'm falling asleep with overhead lights on, mid conversation. i'm waking with a

os

2010-08-18T18:45:00.003-04:00

in a family with four, no make that five (or even six if i count haley's) computers, i'd like to think we could keep at least one per person in working order. but right now, of the five computers in our house, only one is in 'perfect' working condition. two are inoperable. and my primary laptop is operating at a fraction of what it should be. sighdeep sighi like to think i'm a savvy computer

bender

2010-08-10T13:38:00.005-04:00

i consider myself fairly aware when it comes to gender variance. my son has long hair and my girlfriend is occasionally called 'sir' from behind. so, needless to say, i don't see myself bound to gender norms in any way. perhaps because of that, or perhaps in spite of, i've found myself mistaking boys and girls, men and women, more than once over the past couple of years. when it happens i

weightless

2010-08-07T21:53:00.004-04:00

when i was a kid there was an amusement park near our house that i remember going to several times. they had one ride there that i particularly loved and i rode it over and over again. nobody else liked it the way i did, so i would park myself there and ride it until we left. it looked like a barrel and you would get in and stand against the side. when the door closed it would spin very fast

i-deal

2010-07-21T22:29:00.003-04:00

i can't tell you how many times i've heard women's bodies described by terms like 'swimmer's body', 'gymnast's body', 'runner's body', etc. each conjuring a fairly distinct image with certain characteristics, none of which fit me. the ideal i've always longed for though, as long as i can remember was the body of a dancer. a ballerina, to be exact. long thin lines. graceful and strong.

pride

2010-07-17T22:12:00.003-04:00

i've had moments of pride for my children over the years. some big, some small. some for the expected things like good grades and acts of kindness. and some for perhaps inappropriate things, which i'll leave unmentioned. but nothing can compare to what i felt thursday night at todd's camp concert. i know this won't translate unless you've experienced it yourself, but i felt my heart in my

center

2010-07-17T21:17:00.005-04:00

today haley asked me if i miss my old house and without hesitation i replied, 'no.' then i felt a quick pang of guilt and sadness, as if i should feel differently. but when i walk around that large, empty house and remember how easily we all fit there i don't feel any longing. i simply feel grateful that it was mine for a spell and now it's not.and when i walk through the door to our new house

passion

2010-07-13T19:43:00.006-04:00

i thought that i was quite obsessive until i met haley. and then i thought i'd met my match. but truth be told, the most obsessive, single-minded, and driven (occasionally to madness) person i've ever known is luke. he always has been but the intensity with which he attaches to a pursuit has only increased with his maturity. since the month of world cup continuous (to the chagrin of the

bird-th

2010-07-12T00:53:00.002-04:00

all moved in. a week and a few days now. finally we have internet and tv and hot water and a porch swing. all the essentials. and we're down to only a few boxes. literally. like 4. todd said there were 41 and a half (not sure what the half was) the day before the move. we packed another after that and i assume we finished the half off, putting us at 43. meaning i've unpacked (or

process

2010-06-29T00:26:00.004-04:00

well, as of today, tuesday the 29th, it's been three weeks since my elbow decided to take the road less traveled. not a single day of the 21 has passed that i haven't offered a prayer of gratitude that i'm left handed, that i have haley, and that i have good narcotics. by the same token, not a day has passed that i haven't marveled at all the things your non-dominant hand is still necessary for.

detour

2010-06-13T08:57:00.002-04:00

well i'm supposed to be mid-vacation number three, in the mountains with the boys, haley, and our pets today. but plans change. and instead i'm (hopefully) on the tail end of a serious detour. before we left for the beach i was confronted with an imperative new tire purchase and alignment. which means four new tires in the past three months, in case you were wondering. (i'll leave out the

dabble

2010-06-05T00:35:00.002-04:00

when i was a kid i wanted to try everything. and to the best of their ability, they obliged me. i took violin lessons, piano lessons, played basketball, took gymnastics and ballet, participated in a musical production, sang in the school chorus, competed with quiz bowl, odyssey of the mind, and math counts (yeah, i was a nerd. so what?), and a million other things. one time each. meaning, i

super

2010-06-04T23:53:00.004-04:00

i think maybe we all wanted to be superheroes when we were kids. what if there were a pill we could take and have superhero powers? what if something could make all of our senses superhero strength? if it could transform mediocre music into the greatest symphony you've ever imagined - allowing you to hear sounds you never knew were there... if it could allow you to see the inner strength and

procrastinating

2010-06-03T22:20:00.003-04:00

to be so excited and so impatient for my move, i'm running up against an unexpected thread of procrastination in myself. admittedly, i'm a procrastinator. i do my best work at the 11th hour. but with only four weeks left before moving day and one and a half of them spent out of town - i'm perplexed to be fighting this disruly personality trait. i did pack two boxes today. the first two. and

d:elivered

2010-06-03T20:25:00.004-04:00

yesterday luke asked me to do a dbg for him as we drove to atlanta. he'd already answered the same question for me, so of course i obliged. my d was for income generating opportunities as a trainer. i think it's a piscean quality that i believe i can change the world or die trying and since i've become a personal trainer i've been much more interested in the helping aspect than the income

running

2010-05-27T21:10:00.002-04:00

it's been a solid ten days since i've blogged. it's been a crazy busy ten days. though i can't say i'm a huge fan of running, i've been doing nothing but, it seems. and while i'm running around like a headless chicken i'm finding myself in the familiar place of forgetfulness. a paradox indeed.yesterday i came home to find i'd left the hose running into the fish pond. for five hours. the

turn-around

2010-05-17T00:05:00.003-04:00

some may see the recent decisions i've made as a step backwards in terms of fiscal responsibility, but i beg to differ. about seven years ago i opted to stay in my house when i really should have sold it. i was letting go of a relationship and couldn't take on the added stress of moving out of my nearly newborn house. but honestly, hindsight being 20/20 and all, i couldn't afford it alone. i

maximizing

2010-05-15T08:38:00.003-04:00

finding a house, particularly a rental, is sort of like finding a job. or maybe more like hiring the right person for a job. in both cases the interviewee feels like they have the hard role, but really it's the interviewer (or home seeker) whose choice either will set them up for a comfortable fit or months to years of inconvenient hassle. this is the first time i've looked at houses for myself

clearing

2010-05-11T21:59:00.002-04:00

it's been too many days since i've written. too many and yet i'm not full or overflowing yet. it seems that though i've had moments where the stories were all running together and begging for their page they've been squashed between some hard realities. and here i sit. still fairly squashed but feeling a little more breathing room. enough that i want to attempt to write. yesterday i was asked

daydream

2010-05-08T22:03:00.003-04:00

daydreaming. one of my favorite things to do. i credit it with my survival in fact. then sometimes i can get so lost in a daydream, i'm simply lost. today i put my house in impeccable order for a showing. (there haven't been many in the month plus i've had it on the market, so it was cause for special preparation.) i was literally vacuuming myself out the door to taekwondo, putting on my

mind

2010-05-04T22:12:00.003-04:00

two years ago i made a decision to get healthy. it feels like five years ago, but i just counted on my fingers and i know it wasn't. today i was looking for some paperwork and ran across my original gym contract and the page where my first trainer documented my measurements, body fat, weight, etc.i took those numbers to my laptop where i currently document the same measurements and compared.

thin

2010-04-30T12:36:00.002-04:00

today i'm in santa fe with my mom. it's the first time we've taken a trip together in i-don't-know-how-many-years without my boys in tow. (at least five, i'd guess.) my very small plane landed yesterday in 50 mph winds at nearly the same minute hers did. (well, they must not have been at the very same minute, seeing as there wasn't a fiery crash on the runway.) but at any rate, we met in

trust

2010-04-25T20:51:00.003-04:00

trust (trŭst)v. intr.To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.To be confident; hope.v. tr.To have or place confidence in; depend on.To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will

yellow

2010-04-24T21:36:00.002-04:00

yellow. the color of cowardice. it brings to mind the cowardly lion from the wizard of oz. there was an entire book dedicated to the lion, the cowardly lion of oz, that tells of his pursuit of courage. his belief is that if he devours a courageous man, he will replenish his own depleted supply of courage. and as he is afraid of the task, he sets about to accomplish it as quickly as possible.

bikema

2010-04-22T21:20:00.003-04:00

what goes around, comes around. karma, right? i, for one, believe wholeheartedly in it. and today the pain, agony, and dogged determination in my mountain-biking-for-all campaign has been rewarded.when last i chronicled the epic bike saga i told of the ebay bike. the bike which was far, far, far from the loser-seller's description. the bike for which i was on the hook to pay return shipping.

defeat

2010-04-21T22:31:00.003-04:00

so, my house has been on the market for several weeks now and nary a word. in fact, only one person has come to see it at all; which makes the extra daily housecleaning feel like salt in the wound. i know it's nothing personal. there are hundreds of houses on the market in the area at the same or better value proposition. and i know it only takes one buyer. but still, as i feel my financial

two-stepping

2010-04-15T22:27:00.003-04:00

today the eye doctor told me that my vision had improved a step in each eye. i thought that was an odd thing, but he said, 'it's not unusual in the thirties...' i'm near sighted, so i guess that means my near is extending a little further these days. i don't know. frankly, without my lenses, everything is still a blur so the nominal improvement is rather moot. that seems to be the way

imago

2010-04-14T22:13:00.003-04:00

Mortal wounds, once sustained but never healed, are like bound feet. One does not notice how much they hurt until someone takes the bindings off,and then the pain is great. And sometimes we make the mistake of running from the personwho removes the bindings rather than from the one who put them on. -merle shain, hearts that we broke long agoi've been reading a couple books about the concept of '

cyclone

2010-04-11T22:29:00.005-04:00

ugh. it's a nasty cycle this female thing. and i have the misfortune of being on the three week version, rather than the typical four. which means that two out of every three weeks, which is a lot, my hormones have me mostly insane: a cyclone of emotions. [sidenote: somehow in my house-for-sale organization frenzy i put my vitamins out of sight and so i've fallen off the supplement bandwagon

caged

2010-04-09T22:55:00.004-04:00

right through that wire cage is a blue sky. a sunny day. a green vista. a welcome pasture of soft, living earth in the midst of a still wintering forest. perhaps it was foreshadowing the drama that would unfold in my pursuit of bicycles for the family.todd's came first. a neighbor offered one for a deal. barely used. totally adequate. just barely his size, with lots of room to accommodate

smuggle

2010-04-09T00:05:00.003-04:00

mega has taken to crawling under my bed. she just tonight discovered she can fit under there. another place to take the forbidden items she smuggles off to consume, i suppose. i like the word smuggle, in fact. it's the softer, gentler version of mug. the rumor in the family is that my paternal grandfather was a diamond smuggler for some time while they lived in paris, after the war. we don't

spark

2010-04-07T22:22:00.004-04:00

there are few things in the homeowner's to-do list as satisfying as replacing a lawnmower's spark plug. i'm not sure if it's the $2.25 price tag or the simplicity or the immediate gratification; but whatever it is, i like it. i vote for more repairs of that caliber please.i wish i had a repair that simple when my engine refuses to crank. it's rare these days, more often i simply need a tank of

revolution

2010-04-04T00:42:00.003-04:00

house officially on the market today:satisfactionculminationanticipationcamping and hiking tomorrow with haley and the pack of pups:exhaustionrelaxationrejuvenationthe right buyer is on their way to my house:promotionpresentationacquistionmy new perfect home is readying for me:preparationcreationintroductiond: manifestationb: fruitiong: transition

sprung

2010-04-02T22:15:00.004-04:00

it's 80 degrees at ten o'clock at night on april second. we've somehow gone from winter to summer without passing go and without collecting $200. er, i mean spring. it seems that spring has sprung and didn't even take a coffee break in atlanta this year. ironically, the boys are on spring break. they got off friday this year, as well as all of next week, due to the easter holiday and it's put

golden

2010-03-30T22:28:00.004-04:00

a little over a year ago, i developed a severe pain in my right hip. well, actually in both hips, but more so on the right. it mainly seemed to appear after running and actually served as a pretty powerful deterrent to that end. i've never been a big long distance runner, but i did run a few miles at a time, a few times a week, pretty regularly for a while there. and then i discovered spin

neighborhood

2010-03-28T22:36:00.003-04:00

i've spent quite a number of hours over the past two days erasing the dirt and grime from my driveway and porches. i opted not to pay someone for the task of pressure washing and now that it's all said and done, i'm ambivalent about whether that was the right decision or not. i think, for the most part, it was. it saved me over $200 and cost me only time, the flesh of my hands, a few gallons of

closets

2010-03-25T22:43:00.003-04:00

tonight i'm in bed with my laptop and my legs feel like lead. today i managed to pull of the three-a-day workout ideal i'd strived for on my birthday. practiced my tennis serve this morning, then to the gym and tonight - taekwondo. it happened to be shoulders and legs day today, so as i sit propped slightly up in my bed with lead legs extended; i also feel as though the entire roof of our

wind

2010-03-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

wind blowing through her ears, er hair, mega is her happiest. escaping to the mountains this weekend we took advantage of the idyllic weather to put the top down, fasten mega to her seatbelt, and let the wind usher us all into another realm.the wind stayed with us all weekend. a soft, breezy wind; unlike the winds that cut through your outer layers or sneak in your collar. unlike the winds

eachother

2010-03-23T19:32:00.004-04:00

my birthday weekend proved to be simply the best birthday ever.in every way that is imaginable this vacation was the mirror opposite of my last, with the exception of the extreme fatigue that washed over us at night. and the tenor of every minute being miraculously more fun and more relaxing and more perfect than the one before. in fact, if our vacations continue to become better and better i'm

birthday

2010-03-18T22:14:00.005-04:00

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to. or, it's my birthday at least.it seems as though the gods didn't decide to spare me any punches simply because it is march 18th. though luke is recovered from his stomach virus and there's no sign of it taking up residence in either todd or me, my day has left a knot in my stomach.getting out of town in the morning is the only thing keeping me

surprise

2010-03-17T23:02:00.002-04:00

tomorrow is my birthday and let me tell you, haley has been acting weird. she asked me not to make any plans for the weekend until she 'knew if she was going to get called out (as in, not have to work) one of the nights.' well, sure. except she never finds that out until about 2:30 on the day of the shift. umm ok. so, unable to wait until the literal last minute, i opted to make plans that

staged

2010-03-16T23:45:00.003-04:00

All the world's a stage...back when i sold my last house, er my first house, i'd never heard the word 'staging' in reference to anything other than the theater. probably owing to the fact that there weren't entire tv networks dedicated to series such as 'sell my house' or 'curb appeal'. whatever it was though, it was much, much simpler. do the necessary repairs. clean thoroughly. post sign

SOULM8

2010-03-15T22:28:00.003-04:00

why is it, no rather, how is it that one hour taken from me can feel like a time warp of epic proportions? how is that possible? i can't even count the number of times i've stayed up an hour too late or had to get up an hour too early - neither as debilitating as daylight savings. and so tonight i'm stuck in the jetlag of a nation that sprung forward without me. (well, nearly an entire nation

bedtime

2010-03-15T00:50:00.003-04:00

i saw this video a few days ago and can't stop thinking about how precious it is. and the line is stuck in my head, 'you are much alike.'i've watched it a few times and every time i love that part more and more. i want to write more, but as it's nearly 1 and i'm simply waiting for haley to tire of the movie we rented, to take me to bed, i don't think i have enough awake brain cells to compose

strong

2010-03-13T23:04:00.002-05:00

sometimes i find myself feeling pain that isn't mine to feel. i don't know if it's a gift or a curse. today's been one of those days.all day, and part of last night, one of my closest friends has been going through what i imagine to be the proverbial last straw heartbreak in her relationship. and while i've spent hours on the phone listening to her cry and hours tonight witnessing a new

2/3

2010-03-12T08:51:00.003-05:00

here we are about ten weeks into the new year and yesterday i started thinking about those resolutions i made way back when. just as a reminder i decided this was the year that i would get the tools back in the garage after use, drink more water (specifically between every set when lifting), and paint my bedroom. tools in garage - absolutely. there's not a stray screwdriver to be found in this

greatness

2010-03-11T22:54:00.004-05:00

i can't believe tomorrow is friday. i never feel the full length of the week since i generally only work three days; but this is an exception. somehow, someway, i have felt every minute and hour of this interminably long week. and that is just compounded by the fact that i'm going to be putting in a full day of work tomorrow on the first day of my usual four day weekend. okay, now that i've

check

2010-03-10T22:13:00.003-05:00

three days in a row and three significant things crossed off of my household to-do list. when i say significant i mean significantly annoying. items such as hauling very heavy things to goodwill. or getting new tires. things like that.someone mentioned the phrase 'spring cleaning' to me today and i thought, 'OH - there's a wave i can ride!' at this point i'm looking for any boost at all to

hard

2010-03-09T22:32:00.005-05:00

-photo by renee lewisSomething we were withholding made us weakuntil we found it was ourselves.-robert frostin my recent readings (currently i'm double fisting nonfiction and juggling a novel too) i've stumbled across some ideas that have me taking a hard look at the things that are hardest. at least related to being a mom. which by definition is the hardest, i think.i'm wading through a study

exits

2010-03-08T23:37:00.003-05:00

narrowing the exitsi only recently heard this expression, or actually read this expression, in a favorite relationship book of haley's and it really struck me. the phrase refers to a conscious effort to reduce, and eventually eliminate, the mechanisms in which we 'exit' uncomfortable situations. all sorts of things from distraction to drug abuse to isolation to work addiction to tv-vegetating

laundry

2010-03-07T16:02:00.005-05:00

i've always been puzzled by the expression 'don't air your dirty laundry in public' because who really airs dirty laundry? i understand the intention behind the idiom, but as a metaphor i think it falls short.yesterday i wrote a blog that i subsequently deleted. it would probably fall in the category of dirty laundry, or at least things better discussed in private. so, apologies if you clicked

tears

2010-03-05T00:48:00.004-05:00

tonight in a closet cleaning craze, i happened across an ann taylor shopping bag with two cardboard boxes inside. the ribbon handles were tied into a tight knot and i didn't recognize either the bag (ann taylor not being on my shopping circuit generally) or the boxes within. i wrested the ribbons untied and extracted an old shirt box, filled to the brim with cards and letters from 1987. give or

hunch

2010-03-03T23:19:00.004-05:00

tonight i have a sneaking suspicion that haley is on her way here after work to surprise me. (if i'm wrong then i'll just chalk this up to wishful thinking, but if i'm right then i want to have this documentation that i was on to her.) today i was at work for a full day. a full day following a full day at the office yesterday. yes, that's two in a row. and tomorrow i have another full day at

season

2010-03-02T22:16:00.002-05:00

it seems that i've somehow fallen into a tuesday night blogging pattern, which is a bit negligent when i really think about it. a dbg a week isn't really what i want for myself when it comes to recreational writing. but sometimes once a week is just about all i can muster. these past couple of weeks have fallen into that category. i'm not even sure i can put a finger on the 'main' reason,

restore

2010-02-23T21:01:00.003-05:00

well, it's been a week since i've blogged and i blame it one-hundred percent on the olympics. every night i've been home the boys have adamantly insisted that we are planted in front of the continuous coverage until well beyond their usual bedtimes.i enjoy watching the events just like they do. but the television on for hours continuously is exhausting. i'm so very thankful that it's not our

benefit

2010-02-16T22:29:00.003-05:00

benefit of the doubt. it's a common phrase, frequently used. but i think the full weight of the expression is less frequently considered.by definition, it admits a doubt. and then, it sets the doubt aside for the moment, and commits to the possibility that it's in error. truly it's the real life, day-to-day, less-pollyanna, more-heloise, version of glass half-full optimism. and i think it

glum

2010-02-15T20:34:00.002-05:00

at least once every couple of days one of the boys will say, 'mommy, you know she can't talk right?' referring to mega. i still expect her to respond to me when i ask her a question. i mean, she's going on 9 months. shouldn't she be talking by now? sometimes i have the sensation that i've had a conversation with her and she told me something; but then i realize it was all in my imagination.

reprise

2010-02-14T11:57:00.003-05:00

at breakfast this morning the boys announced excitedly the release of a 'new' song that i absolutely must come watch the video for. so, after i finished my yogurt i sat down in front of luke's computer to watch a seven minute youtube video of 'we are the world'. i knew i'd heard a familiar melody coming from behind those french doors as i lingered in bed succumbing to sunday morning sleepiness.

impatient

2010-02-12T23:24:00.004-05:00

well, i suppose we got the snow i was asking for. the boys were disappointed it didn't make it here before school, but never mind that, after school worked just fine. both of them went through a couple pairs of pants, gloves, jackets, and hats. all of which are in the dryer as i type. mega absolutely loved the snow. her first triumphant bound into the great white unknown took her head first

hugs

2010-02-11T22:54:00.003-05:00

monday afternoon, while shopping in new york, i got a phone call from todd. he was dismissive about my probings into his day at school because he said he had something to tell me. the story he told me, of the night before, was disturbing. his tears in the retelling broke my heart. i found a chair in the shop and sat listening, tears in my eyes to match his. the story was one of careless words

blockbuster

2010-02-10T22:11:00.003-05:00

this is the first photo i can put my hands on of us together. it was one taken on my old blackberry and then forwarded to my email. it was march 14th, 2009. since then we've taken hundreds, from camera to video to phone to professional, but the most vivid pictures are still the ones i have in my memory. today marks a year since our first date. 365 days. 52 weeks. a full cycle of the seasons;

niceto

2010-02-09T22:41:00.003-05:00

though at least one person advised, 'don't waste your time shopping in new york' haley and i fully ignored that advice. having visited several times before on business and never having had time to even brush the doorsteps of new york's stores and boutiques, there was much distance to cover. and haley? well, i love shopping. i do. but i'll admit that haley can shop me under the table. (and

gloria

2010-02-09T19:38:00.002-05:00

when i gave haley tickets to new york for christmas we both went into super-savings mode for the trip. not only was it a month after christmas, but also coincided with our anniversary (not coincidentally), valentines and the likelihood of a january slump in the restaurant industry (affecting us both). that being said, we both left for new york with a comfortable, though not extravagant,

pack

2010-02-07T01:46:00.002-05:00

on the street the people of new york move in packs created by the timing of the walk signals. yet these packs move at a speed more akin to an olympic speed skating team than a pack of mules. perhaps it's because the air temperature is in the 20's, never mind the wind.i don't think so though. for one thing, Iive found in the past couple of days that theeasiest way to pick a native out of the

subway

2010-02-06T01:36:00.002-05:00

a young black man in work pants splattered with paint enters the train. i say to haley, 'what's that furry thing he's holding under his coat?' she tries to get a glimpse as he passes but he's positioning himself in the center of the car to make an announcement. 'i'm a struggling opera singer trying to make ends meet. if you hear anything you like and can spare some change, i would much

perfect

2010-02-04T23:14:00.003-05:00

i've had the weirdest day. really. i don't know if the moon is to blame or the cold rainy weather, but something about today set me off on the wrong foot and i haven't gotten my footing yet. and now, it's bedtime, so i'm throwing in the towel. after i write. because i tried retail therapy, i tried talk therapy, i tried sugar therapy, i tried exercise therapy and pretty much that leaves only

daffodils

2010-02-03T21:13:00.004-05:00

-photo by renee lewisas i stood on the haley's back porch this morning watching the five dogs, i noticed that the air felt almost spring like. i know it's only february 3rd and i didn't check, but i assume the groundhog yesterday gave some omen that winter is going to last forever (because i wish for the opposite) but - nevermind that - it still felt spring like. there was a chill in the air,

asset

2010-02-01T14:24:00.004-05:00

-photo by renee lewisit remains to be seen how my own ebay venture turns out, but luke, on the other hand, has mastered it. clearing well over $100 in less than a week, he's practically an expert i'd say.i wrote not long ago about his need for quick cash - quick only because everything he wants, he wants immediately - and i spared you 'the rest of the story', in which his anquish over the

meetiversary

2010-01-30T21:41:00.003-05:00

tonight is the australian open men's final starting at the convenient hour of 3:30 am. it would be a match i easily dismissed in favor of sleep if it didn't commemorate a life changing night. last year on this same night in january, at this very hour, amy and i were throwing jackie a birthday party. the party ended with many of us headed to a nearby bar. we quite nearly didn't go. jackie was

chug

2010-01-29T21:13:00.005-05:00

since i wrote last night about my drug-free intentions, i have been receiving all sorts of suggestions. the one that i'm most impressed by initially is apple cider vinegar. i had no idea that this wonder drug was hanging out in my pantry all along.according to the friend who tipped me off - and my subsequent study - a couple teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (ACV for us insiders) in a cup of

normal

2010-01-28T20:27:00.003-05:00

last week when i learned that i'm a sleepwalker, i discussed medication options with my doc. and now i find myself with a choice. or two. none of which are easy to make. disclaimer: i tend to try and avoid naming names, particularly brand names, unless i'm speaking favorably; but i don't have the energy to be clever about avoiding them tonight. so, no offense if i call out your favorite

cocoon

2010-01-23T23:43:00.002-05:00

i hate it when people are mad. even if they aren't mad at me, anger scares me. i guess i'm blessed because i don't often feel that emotion, but i know i'm the exception in that way. today the ebay vortex has chewed haley and i both up and spit us out. something she ordered almost two weeks ago has yet to arrive. and then tonight we find out it was 'delivered' last saturday, at a time when she

sleepwalker

2010-01-20T22:41:00.004-05:00

so today i went in for my follow up appointment to the infamous sleep study i did in december. i'd already heard the cliff notes version from a nurse on the phone, but this was my first opportunity to speak with the doc.as we reviewed the findings from the sleep study, i learned something frightening about myself. you may recall that in the four naps i was required to take on command i wasn't

volume

2010-01-19T22:20:00.003-05:00

so, at present i'm a member of three different gyms with countless locations combined. which means that not only do i have one available on nearly every corner of the city, but that i get the opportunity to experience quite a range of equipment and amenities at each. there was a time when i thought this was the last thing i'd ever want to do. i had my gym, my home base so to speak, and i knew

haven

2010-01-13T22:50:00.000-05:00

a couple of nights ago i presented my laundry room to haley much the same way a chef might lift the silver dome off of a marvelous culinary creation. was it repainted? reorganized? sparkling clean? no. but the floor was entirely visible. the room serves as a pass through to the garage, two doors open into it, and for months - literally since my car was flooded - there's been an enormous bag

abundance

2010-01-12T22:21:00.003-05:00

tonight luke asked me, 'mommy, how can i make $100 fast?' to which i replied, 'i wish i knew.' what he means of course is 'what can i do that you'll give me $100 for?' i suppose from his point of view that's 'earning' money, but from mine the value equation is a bit off if i could do it myself for free. everything is relative, eh?i lost a day yesterday to stress about money. i don't let that

off

2010-01-08T21:36:00.003-05:00

i love the holidays. i do. the months leading up to them just build with anticipation and preparation. then i have vacation and i see my family. it's the holiday the boys love the most (of course) and then i have a break from them too. this year, i spent ten days with the love of my life with little to no responsibility laying claim to our time. all in all, the holiday season was perfect.

resolute

2010-01-06T22:38:00.004-05:00

-photo by renee lewiswell, here i am nearly a week into a new year and just now realizing i haven't written or even had a moment fully to myself since some time weeks ago. but that's ok. i'm not a big new year's resolution kind of person and often i meet a new year with the feeling it's already begun months ago (probably due to the nature of my work where i'm constantly focused on events far in

decaffeinated

2009-12-29T23:59:00.005-05:00

the other day i went into a coffee shop in the early evening and ordered a cup of decaf. the girl told me that they don't make decaf after noon, so i'd have to wait.umm.does that sound backwards to anyone besides me? seems to me that decaf would be more important for folks in the afternoon and evening when they may perhaps want to sleep at bedtime. and caffeinated in the morning when they want