two years ago i made a decision to get healthy. it feels like five years ago, but i just counted on my fingers and i know it wasn't. today i was looking for some paperwork and ran across my original gym contract and the page where my first trainer documented my measurements, body fat, weight, etc.
i took those numbers to my laptop where i currently document the same measurements and compared. my weight is nearly unchanged. three pounds more, to be precise, but basically the same. and yet, every body measurement has increased.
hmm. what does that mean? i know.. i know. i know what it means.
haley tells me that fit people aren't skinny. i replay that mantra in my head over and over because despite what i know about my health and fitness now versus two years ago i am more insecure about my body now than i was ever before.
i'm sure it's not good business as a personal trainer to admit that my own body image has taken a nose dive since i've started becoming fit, but sometimes i see that in myself. and i'm disappointed. and puzzled. and ashamed. i know i shouldn't feel this way.
i used to participate in an online community for fitness junkies. i met some really great people there actually. tonight as i've had this come-to-jesus with myself over my self-image, one of the threads i read there came to mind. it was called 'things the scale didn't tell me' or something like that; in it people shared their accomplishments that weren't quantifiable with a scale or tape measure.
and i know i can make a long list of those things. a very long list.
that list is why i can't go two days in a row without working out.
that list is why i don't fear my body betraying me with illness or disease.
that list is why i feel able to do any physical thing i put my mind to.
and yet, somewhere along the way, i have put an ideal image in my mind that seems to only make me feel worse and worse.
must make a change. not in the gym. not in the kitchen.
just in my head.
d: a new minds-eye.
b: i can do anything i put my mind to.
g: change of mind: imminent.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
thin
today i'm in santa fe with my mom. it's the first time we've taken a trip together in i-don't-know-how-many-years without my boys in tow. (at least five, i'd guess.) my very small plane landed yesterday in 50 mph winds at nearly the same minute hers did. (well, they must not have been at the very same minute, seeing as there wasn't a fiery crash on the runway.) but at any rate, we met in baggage claim and our bags arrived within minutes of each others. damn near perfect timing.
i've never been to new mexico and despite the raging wind and dust storm in albuquerque and the snow flurries (yes, snow) here in santa fe, i'm overwhelmed with the beauty of the place. last night i had to remind myself i was still in the states because i felt like such a foreigner. every time i hear english, i'm surprised a little.
so this morning i got up with the intention of doing some exercise while mom had to attend a meeting. forced to workout sans equipment, i started with some basic cardio moves like jumping rope, jumping jacks, etc, to get my heart pumping. but then - what's going on? i. can't. breathe.
suddenly this place of beauty and wonder has transported me back in time years ago to when i was a much different fitness level. and then i remember that a friend at work said, 'the air is thin there.. give yourself a couple of days to get adjusted.'
thin air. less oxygen per breath. hmm. i quickly do some mental gymnastics and decide that if i have to breathe harder to support my workout, then my heart rate will be higher, and perhaps i can even burn more calories than at home!
(there goes my thin obsession again.. making me behave a little crazy...)
i wonder though as people acclimate to the thinner air if they simply breathe deeper, taking in more air so as to oxygenate their blood effectively? or do their lungs become more efficient in other ways? i'm not sure.. and i'm not going to do the research to figure it out because i would like to believe the former.
i'd like to believe that when people are surrounded by all the beauty this area affords them and the thin mountain air, that nature forces them to slow down and enjoy it. i certainly plan to.
d: slow, deep breaths of new mexico
b: workout complete..lungs adjusting
g: exploring with my mom..and breathing..deep.
i've never been to new mexico and despite the raging wind and dust storm in albuquerque and the snow flurries (yes, snow) here in santa fe, i'm overwhelmed with the beauty of the place. last night i had to remind myself i was still in the states because i felt like such a foreigner. every time i hear english, i'm surprised a little.
so this morning i got up with the intention of doing some exercise while mom had to attend a meeting. forced to workout sans equipment, i started with some basic cardio moves like jumping rope, jumping jacks, etc, to get my heart pumping. but then - what's going on? i. can't. breathe.
suddenly this place of beauty and wonder has transported me back in time years ago to when i was a much different fitness level. and then i remember that a friend at work said, 'the air is thin there.. give yourself a couple of days to get adjusted.'
thin air. less oxygen per breath. hmm. i quickly do some mental gymnastics and decide that if i have to breathe harder to support my workout, then my heart rate will be higher, and perhaps i can even burn more calories than at home!
(there goes my thin obsession again.. making me behave a little crazy...)
i wonder though as people acclimate to the thinner air if they simply breathe deeper, taking in more air so as to oxygenate their blood effectively? or do their lungs become more efficient in other ways? i'm not sure.. and i'm not going to do the research to figure it out because i would like to believe the former.
i'd like to believe that when people are surrounded by all the beauty this area affords them and the thin mountain air, that nature forces them to slow down and enjoy it. i certainly plan to.
d: slow, deep breaths of new mexico
b: workout complete..lungs adjusting
g: exploring with my mom..and breathing..deep.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
trust
trust (trŭst)
v. intr.
the american heritage dictionary, in a discussion of synonyms, further defines: Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence: The mayor vowed to justify the trust the electorate had placed in him.
i trust. i extend trust easily and retract it hesitantly. i know that i'm an exception to the rule in this regard. most people operate in the reverse, i think. as to whether that's a good thing or a bad, the jury is still out.
when i look closely at the dictionary definition of trust given above, for me the easiest ways i trust are hoping (v. intr.#1) and assured expectation (v. tr. #2).. and the hardest are depending (v. intr #1) and placing in the care of another (v. tr.#4). where i'm eternally hopeful and expect the best outcome is mine for the having, when my trust wavers it's in the depending and entrusting.
and even then, my confidence (v. intr. #2) usually bolsters my trust and it rarely wavers. until, beyond all of my hopefulness and all of my confidence and all of my expectation with assurance (v. tr. #2) i am proven wrong.
it takes quite a lot to convince me. i heartily agree with the american heritage's extended definition that trust implies a depth of feeling often based on inconclusive evidence.. and i will give the inconclusivity the benefit of the doubt until there is no doubt.
like i said above, i don't know if this is a good trait or not.. i fear what it says about my ability to protect myself. i fear what it means for my heart and the pain i'm susceptible to. i fear what it means... yet i don't know how to change it.
for..i fear, i trust.
d: trustworthiness
b: trustworthy
g: worth trust
v. intr.
To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.
To be confident; hope.
To have or place confidence in; depend on.
To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
To believe: I trust what you say.
To place in the care of another; entrust.
the american heritage dictionary, in a discussion of synonyms, further defines: Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence: The mayor vowed to justify the trust the electorate had placed in him.
i trust. i extend trust easily and retract it hesitantly. i know that i'm an exception to the rule in this regard. most people operate in the reverse, i think. as to whether that's a good thing or a bad, the jury is still out.
when i look closely at the dictionary definition of trust given above, for me the easiest ways i trust are hoping (v. intr.#1) and assured expectation (v. tr. #2).. and the hardest are depending (v. intr #1) and placing in the care of another (v. tr.#4). where i'm eternally hopeful and expect the best outcome is mine for the having, when my trust wavers it's in the depending and entrusting.
and even then, my confidence (v. intr. #2) usually bolsters my trust and it rarely wavers. until, beyond all of my hopefulness and all of my confidence and all of my expectation with assurance (v. tr. #2) i am proven wrong.
it takes quite a lot to convince me. i heartily agree with the american heritage's extended definition that trust implies a depth of feeling often based on inconclusive evidence.. and i will give the inconclusivity the benefit of the doubt until there is no doubt.
like i said above, i don't know if this is a good trait or not.. i fear what it says about my ability to protect myself. i fear what it means for my heart and the pain i'm susceptible to. i fear what it means... yet i don't know how to change it.
for..i fear, i trust.
d: trustworthiness
b: trustworthy
g: worth trust
Saturday, April 24, 2010
yellow
yellow.
the color of cowardice. it brings to mind the cowardly lion from the wizard of oz. there was an entire book dedicated to the lion, the cowardly lion of oz, that tells of his pursuit of courage. his belief is that if he devours a courageous man, he will replenish his own depleted supply of courage. and as he is afraid of the task, he sets about to accomplish it as quickly as possible.
yellow.
the color of caution. the color's high visibility has given it the honor of gracing warning signs and dividing lines alongside every major, and minor, roadway in our country. even without seeing the symbol contained within its boundaries, the pavlovian response of an experienced driver is to slow down at the sight of yellow.
yellow.
the color of waiting. yellow ribbons. a symbol of patience. a symbol of hope. a symbol of promise.
yellow.
the color of energy. spring flowers. new york city cabs. the color is known to stimulate the nervous system and activate memory. it's been shown in color research to even encourage communication - perhaps the yellow pages were capitalizing on that reaction. (or did the yellow pages come first?)
yellow.
the color of the rising sun. according to korean taekwondo tradition, it is the belt color where the seeds of learning begin to grow. and as of today, it is mine. a small accomplishment, no doubt. but celebrating small victories can still feel good.
if it weren't for the other meanings of yellow swirling around in my head today.. perhaps. perhaps.
d: the yellow ribbon's hope and promise
b: the yellow belt's accomplishment
g: the yellow effect on communication
the color of cowardice. it brings to mind the cowardly lion from the wizard of oz. there was an entire book dedicated to the lion, the cowardly lion of oz, that tells of his pursuit of courage. his belief is that if he devours a courageous man, he will replenish his own depleted supply of courage. and as he is afraid of the task, he sets about to accomplish it as quickly as possible.
yellow.
the color of caution. the color's high visibility has given it the honor of gracing warning signs and dividing lines alongside every major, and minor, roadway in our country. even without seeing the symbol contained within its boundaries, the pavlovian response of an experienced driver is to slow down at the sight of yellow.
yellow.
the color of waiting. yellow ribbons. a symbol of patience. a symbol of hope. a symbol of promise.
yellow.
the color of energy. spring flowers. new york city cabs. the color is known to stimulate the nervous system and activate memory. it's been shown in color research to even encourage communication - perhaps the yellow pages were capitalizing on that reaction. (or did the yellow pages come first?)
yellow.
the color of the rising sun. according to korean taekwondo tradition, it is the belt color where the seeds of learning begin to grow. and as of today, it is mine. a small accomplishment, no doubt. but celebrating small victories can still feel good.
if it weren't for the other meanings of yellow swirling around in my head today.. perhaps. perhaps.
d: the yellow ribbon's hope and promise
b: the yellow belt's accomplishment
g: the yellow effect on communication
Thursday, April 22, 2010
bikema
what goes around, comes around. karma, right? i, for one, believe wholeheartedly in it. and today the pain, agony, and dogged determination in my mountain-biking-for-all campaign has been rewarded.
when last i chronicled the epic bike saga i told of the ebay bike. the bike which was far, far, far from the loser-seller's description. the bike for which i was on the hook to pay return shipping. well, this bike was shipped back to loser-seller last tuesday, but not without a few additional hassles of course.
feel free to skip the following parenthetical story. it's simply to give further clarity into the agony mentioned above.
[just in case you're curious: when i wrestled the enormous bike box into the ups store i was informed that it would cost me $120 to ship it back. my jaw hit the counter, but i ponied up the cash and returned to my car, just a bit more disgruntled.
i called the loser in denver who sold me this decrepit bicycle to see if he felt gracious enough to split the return shipping, at the very least. he protested that it should have been no more than $60, as his original $80 covered the cost of the box. so.. i consult the receipt and note a 'large package fee' of fifty bucks. loser-seller tells me that's a mistake. 'the dimensions are printed on the box, and it's within the size constraint for a normal package.' i find this hard to believe since the box is ginormous, but he did just ship it to me a week ago so maybe he's right.
i hang up and call the ups store back to ask for a reassessment. they inform me that the dimensions printed on the box are internal measurements, rather than external, and that ups will fine them if they don't use the actual size. hmm. this box was just shipped to me with the same contents a week ago, also via ups, and was not charged the extra fee. hmm. i find this very annoying.
long story 'short' (i know, not very short. sorry.) the owner of the ups store gets on the phone with me and offers to cut down the box to shave the extra inch (yes one measly inch over the limit) and repack the bike in it. i said, 'go for it!' and they refunded me the large package fee.]
which brings me to last friday, when the box was delivered to loser-seller. who then rejects it. yes, he rejected the box because he claimed the box was damaged. damaged being cut down an inch and resealed with tape. the loser-seller then informs me that he rejected it, it's being returned to me, i am supposed to reject it too, and then (and only then) ups will open a claim for the damaged item.
umm. where's my refund, i'm wondering. according to this loser-seller he won't issue it until ups resolves the 'damaged box' issue. which, in my opinion, is just him trying to weasel out of the refund.
so, ebay contacts me yesterday saying that my refund will be issued when the item is delivered and that the tracking number isn't correct. of course those things are forty digits long and i'm sure i didn't transcribe it perfectly when they gave me the new one.. so i march up to the ups store this morning and am there on the sidewalk when they open at 8:30.
i ask for a copy of my receipt and tracking info and when they pull it up on the computer they notice that the box is to be redelivered to me today. i say, 'so what happens if i'm not home? how do i reject it?'
'why would you reject it?' they ask me.
'umm, that's how you start the claim process right?'
'hmm, no.'
turns out loser-seller had that all wrong. he should have accepted the package and told the driver the box was damaged on the spot. then they would contact me to open the claim. instead he simply rejected it, meaning what? who knows.
ups advises me to call ebay. and so i did. and holding back tears - because i tend to cry when i'm angry - i explain the entire ordeal to customer service. and this very, very, very nice woman named emily (coincidentally also the name of my one and only cabbage patch doll, which is strangely reassuring) told me that 'all you had to do was ship the item back to him, or attempt to, and if loser-seller rejected it, that's not your problem.' she issued me a refund on the spot - price paid plus original shipping - and said when the bike arrives...
it's mine to do with as i wish.
oh yes. finally.
karma.
bikema.
today haley and i rode our bikes all over grant park, reynoldstown, and cabbagetown. the sidewalks are only a smidge safer than the trails we navigated last weekend and the term 'urban jungle' is taking on a new meaning to me.
tomorrow we're hitting the trails again. the non-urban trails, that is. finally it seems i've gotten out of the afore-mentioned cage.
d: one cage down, one to go.
b: i ordered a how to guide for bicycle repair and soon i'll be the go-to-girl-with-a-wrench. and two mountain bikes.
g: perseverance paid off. in abundance.
when last i chronicled the epic bike saga i told of the ebay bike. the bike which was far, far, far from the loser-seller's description. the bike for which i was on the hook to pay return shipping. well, this bike was shipped back to loser-seller last tuesday, but not without a few additional hassles of course.
feel free to skip the following parenthetical story. it's simply to give further clarity into the agony mentioned above.
[just in case you're curious: when i wrestled the enormous bike box into the ups store i was informed that it would cost me $120 to ship it back. my jaw hit the counter, but i ponied up the cash and returned to my car, just a bit more disgruntled.
i called the loser in denver who sold me this decrepit bicycle to see if he felt gracious enough to split the return shipping, at the very least. he protested that it should have been no more than $60, as his original $80 covered the cost of the box. so.. i consult the receipt and note a 'large package fee' of fifty bucks. loser-seller tells me that's a mistake. 'the dimensions are printed on the box, and it's within the size constraint for a normal package.' i find this hard to believe since the box is ginormous, but he did just ship it to me a week ago so maybe he's right.
i hang up and call the ups store back to ask for a reassessment. they inform me that the dimensions printed on the box are internal measurements, rather than external, and that ups will fine them if they don't use the actual size. hmm. this box was just shipped to me with the same contents a week ago, also via ups, and was not charged the extra fee. hmm. i find this very annoying.
long story 'short' (i know, not very short. sorry.) the owner of the ups store gets on the phone with me and offers to cut down the box to shave the extra inch (yes one measly inch over the limit) and repack the bike in it. i said, 'go for it!' and they refunded me the large package fee.]
which brings me to last friday, when the box was delivered to loser-seller. who then rejects it. yes, he rejected the box because he claimed the box was damaged. damaged being cut down an inch and resealed with tape. the loser-seller then informs me that he rejected it, it's being returned to me, i am supposed to reject it too, and then (and only then) ups will open a claim for the damaged item.
umm. where's my refund, i'm wondering. according to this loser-seller he won't issue it until ups resolves the 'damaged box' issue. which, in my opinion, is just him trying to weasel out of the refund.
so, ebay contacts me yesterday saying that my refund will be issued when the item is delivered and that the tracking number isn't correct. of course those things are forty digits long and i'm sure i didn't transcribe it perfectly when they gave me the new one.. so i march up to the ups store this morning and am there on the sidewalk when they open at 8:30.
i ask for a copy of my receipt and tracking info and when they pull it up on the computer they notice that the box is to be redelivered to me today. i say, 'so what happens if i'm not home? how do i reject it?'
'why would you reject it?' they ask me.
'umm, that's how you start the claim process right?'
'hmm, no.'
turns out loser-seller had that all wrong. he should have accepted the package and told the driver the box was damaged on the spot. then they would contact me to open the claim. instead he simply rejected it, meaning what? who knows.
ups advises me to call ebay. and so i did. and holding back tears - because i tend to cry when i'm angry - i explain the entire ordeal to customer service. and this very, very, very nice woman named emily (coincidentally also the name of my one and only cabbage patch doll, which is strangely reassuring) told me that 'all you had to do was ship the item back to him, or attempt to, and if loser-seller rejected it, that's not your problem.' she issued me a refund on the spot - price paid plus original shipping - and said when the bike arrives...
it's mine to do with as i wish.
oh yes. finally.
karma.
bikema.
today haley and i rode our bikes all over grant park, reynoldstown, and cabbagetown. the sidewalks are only a smidge safer than the trails we navigated last weekend and the term 'urban jungle' is taking on a new meaning to me.
tomorrow we're hitting the trails again. the non-urban trails, that is. finally it seems i've gotten out of the afore-mentioned cage.
d: one cage down, one to go.
b: i ordered a how to guide for bicycle repair and soon i'll be the go-to-girl-with-a-wrench. and two mountain bikes.
g: perseverance paid off. in abundance.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
defeat
so, my house has been on the market for several weeks now and nary a word. in fact, only one person has come to see it at all; which makes the extra daily housecleaning feel like salt in the wound. i know it's nothing personal. there are hundreds of houses on the market in the area at the same or better value proposition. and i know it only takes one buyer. but still, as i feel my financial footing slipping, i'm anxious to grasp the life raft..and let go of the sinking ship. (better known as the mortgage i can't afford.)
i believe in the principle of abundance. i really do. and i've been known to say, 'there will always be more money..', which i wholeheartedly believe. but sometimes, my confidence wavers.
my anxiety raises.
my hopelessness prevails.
and all i can think about is escaping. i've been doing a much better job of staying on top of my money, tracking and counting and using cash as much as possible; but when the red outweighs the black, i simply want to run away. and sometimes shop.
it's sort of like getting on the scale, seeing a bigger number than you expect or desire, and then consoling yourself with a bag of peanut m&ms. a bit self-defeating.
i'm generally not a very competitive person and i've finally realized why that is. because whenever i feel the desire to win, i simply defeat myself.
sigh
d: a competitive spirit that drives, rather than runs over
b: i believe in abundance.. abundance unreliant on my belief.
g: awareness is the first step in change
i believe in the principle of abundance. i really do. and i've been known to say, 'there will always be more money..', which i wholeheartedly believe. but sometimes, my confidence wavers.
my anxiety raises.
my hopelessness prevails.
and all i can think about is escaping. i've been doing a much better job of staying on top of my money, tracking and counting and using cash as much as possible; but when the red outweighs the black, i simply want to run away. and sometimes shop.
it's sort of like getting on the scale, seeing a bigger number than you expect or desire, and then consoling yourself with a bag of peanut m&ms. a bit self-defeating.
i'm generally not a very competitive person and i've finally realized why that is. because whenever i feel the desire to win, i simply defeat myself.
sigh
d: a competitive spirit that drives, rather than runs over
b: i believe in abundance.. abundance unreliant on my belief.
g: awareness is the first step in change
Thursday, April 15, 2010
two-stepping
today the eye doctor told me that my vision had improved a step in each eye. i thought that was an odd thing, but he said, 'it's not unusual in the thirties...'
i'm near sighted, so i guess that means my near is extending a little further these days. i don't know. frankly, without my lenses, everything is still a blur so the nominal improvement is rather moot.
that seems to be the way improvements go lately. two steps forward and one back. or two steps in a circle even. i've never been a great dancer and certainly never learned to two step. but when i was a little girl, just like most children i imagine, i loved to spin until i was too dizzy to stand up. two steps around in a circle.
that's how i feel tonight. two stepping in a circle. two steps in a dizzy mess. two steps and i'm falling down.
d: a partner's hand to pick me up
b: i can see a little further into the distance
g: haley tells me she's an excellent two-stepper
i'm near sighted, so i guess that means my near is extending a little further these days. i don't know. frankly, without my lenses, everything is still a blur so the nominal improvement is rather moot.
that seems to be the way improvements go lately. two steps forward and one back. or two steps in a circle even. i've never been a great dancer and certainly never learned to two step. but when i was a little girl, just like most children i imagine, i loved to spin until i was too dizzy to stand up. two steps around in a circle.
that's how i feel tonight. two stepping in a circle. two steps in a dizzy mess. two steps and i'm falling down.
d: a partner's hand to pick me up
b: i can see a little further into the distance
g: haley tells me she's an excellent two-stepper
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