tip

some people are natural dancers. they have a solid sense of rhythm and enough confidence to enjoy it and look great regardless of who's dancing with them. some of these naturals even dance alone and draw envious looks from the rest of the partiers, who are self-consciously shuffling their feet and bouncing somewhat to the beat.

note: i'm not a natural dancer.

in fact, i don't dance at all unless i'm liberally, but not too liberally, under the influence. the window of dance floor opportunity is generally slim because i'm usually done for the night at two drinks and still too sober at one drink. but last night was different. somehow, perhaps magically, i hit the perfect balance of intoxication and coordination to dance.

at first i didn't feel particularly confident in what i was doing, but i wasn't so awkward as to hide out on the wall, either.

the music was great. just a fantastic dj. and i was bouncing along just fine to whatever she was spinning.

and then:

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion...

~eurythmics

and suddenly, without explanation, haley and i tipped. we weren't just dancing across from each other and making googly eyes any more. we synced. she moved and i moved with her. i knew which direction she was going and i knew what to do. and likewise. (not that i was doing anything inspired, unless inspired by her. but still.)

we danced for hours. and for the first time ever, i felt like we were 'that couple'. the ones that people were watching. the ones that people could feel the heat off of. the ones that owned the dance floor because they only could see each other.


i do love the rain.



d: to dive into your ocean...
b: i was half of 'that couple'.
g: dj vicki

steel

"..and the bride wore whirlpool..."

shoddy repurposing of the real estate or clever marketing? maybe the prospective bride would need a new washer or dryer...

last night the grooms wore matching suits.
the eight cakes were impeccably decorated.
the dj was spinning everything from tone loc to stevie wonder.
and the wine was pouring.

but, as the party went into the wee hours of the night those details became unimportant and the celebration was simply about love and commitment.

the stories of marriages that required permits, marriages that required exceptions, marriages that required standing in the face of criticism, and yet triumphed in love nevertheless, filled the night.

i believe that in fact the obstacles to these marriages only serve to solidify the commitment. last night also marked a milestone for my own relationship. four months ago, despite heavy protest and interference, time stood still and everything else faded away when haley and i began our love story. and now, four months later, protest and interference are still trying to be heard.

trying. and failing.

steel is forged in fire, after all. so bring on the heat. we can take it.

d: a fire-hardened love that lasts a lifetime.
b: though fire, no burn.
g: loving support around the forge

nausea

beep beep beep
snooze
beep beep beep
moan.. no i don't want to get up.. i don't want to leave..
beep beep beep

try as i might, reality crashed in on me this morning via my alarm and a wave of nausea washed over as i packed my bags to leave selman, for the week. for all the nuisance of living out of a suitcase (or three), cooking in a kitchen with limited resources, and losing a pair of panties a day to oliver's teeth; it was all bitter and no sweet to pack up my car this morning.

but i'm consoled by my boys' homecoming tonight. despite the fullness of my time with haley, i have missed them and the life we share together. i find this dichotomy of my life with them and my life with her leaves me in a state of longing at all times. and in precarious balance.

when i first became interested in exercise and fitness, i hired a trainer. meka very patiently coached me through basic form and technique and gently teased me about my lack of coordination and balance. i fell more than once and it always took me at least a set or two to master anything more complicated than a bicep curl.

she often wanted to end our training sessions with abs and core work and i heavily protested this format. at that point of fatigue, training core would invariably nauseate me and i'd leave the gym fighting to hold my stomach. we adjusted the routine to work core earlier in our sessions and i grew to love those exercises. maybe in part it was the lack of green in my face but i think even more was the immediate improvement i saw in my balance as i trained my core.

as my time and heart are held in precarious balance again, i wonder if it's my core that i should attend to and draw upon.

it is at my core that i feel peace.
it is at my core that i renew energy.
it is at my core that i am creative.
it is at my core that i balance.

and maybe, just maybe, tending to it sooner rather than later will stem the nausea.

d: 6pm, for to see my boys
b: core strength!
g: joy upon joy to balance...

see

'I See' by taxi for MOMA

sunday haley and i walked through the decatur arts festival. it's the second art show we've been to in the past few weeks and has to rank up there as one of my favorite things to do together.

so many people walk around those shows like the guy in the video, initially at least.

'where can i get a beer?'
'are they selling t-shirts somewhere?'
'$2500?!? has he f*&$ing lost his mind?!'
'can i sit over there and wait for you?'

but not haley. and her energy is contagious. methodically combing every row of tents in search of the thing that captivates her. (which i can relate to, because it's how i shop for clothes after all.) and when she finds it, there's no, 'oh that's pretty.' instead, passionate outbursts of 'that's f*&#ing brilliant!!' and 'look at the bunnies!' and 'god, that's amazing!' resonate. but even more than that is the look on her face...i wish i had a picture.

surely, it's because she's an artist. and inspired. it's how i read, voraciously.. looking for words i don't know.. expressions and literary genius. i dog-ear pages of passages i love, cry over characters that touch me, and lose myself in stories i wish i'd written myself.

...wish i'd written myself...

i've told myself 'i don't have a story' for years now. that's the story i've written. but i'm turning the page and writing a new one.

this one will have dog-eared passages and tear stained pages too...for someone else.

and my name on the cover.

d: birth of a story.
b: i see.
g: contagious energy.

fill

some people say the body is the greatest machine ever built. and in some ways, of course, that's true. intricate systems that work in tandem. complex mechanisms. efficient fuel utilization. capable of amazing strength, speed and maneuvering. when you think about it that way, our bodies sound like the biggest, baddest hot rods around.

but machines don't change or grow or adapt. maybe our bodies are more like plants, in that way. with the proper care and nutrition, they can climb walls, break through barriers and radiate beauty.

then of course, there are many who say the body is a temple. the carrier of our soul and where we house a part of god. or manifest god, depending on individual spiritual beliefs.

i agree in part with each of these metaphors.. and yet, today i am finding my body to be more of a puzzle. all the parts fit together in a perfect way, and yet, there's a mystery to it too. the edges are the easy part while the center fills in, ever so slowly. some sections apparent and others seemingly impossible.

today i woke feeling strong, healthy, rested; albeit a little sore in my calves. and then, mysteriously, after a balanced nutritious lunch, my body shut down. eyes couldn't stay open. mind couldn't focus. head started pounding. and all i could think about was coffee and chocolate to muddle through a four hour meeting without resting my head on the conference table.

after commuting for an hour and fifteen, i arrived at the gym. unsure what response my body would give, i opted for the ole 'fake it till you make it' strategy. an hour and a half later, i drove out of the parking lot with a satisfying muscle ache, gnawing hunger, and energy. energy!

my body is an enigma to me... i'm learning to trust it again. listen to its signs. and demand the results i want from it.

one of my favorite movies is the documentary 'what the bleep do we know'.. there's a scene in the movie that illustrates a research project by dr. masaru emoto called 'messages on water'. dr. emoto puts words on bottles of water, freezes them and then photographs the crystals. it sounds preposterous, but the water responds to the words in truly magical ways.

the movie then goes on to remind us that our bodies are close to 90% water (i think that's the number.. don't hold me to it), so if words can do that to water, what do they do to us?

and then i go to tattoos. after all, that's the closest application of the idea. i want to fill mine in. it took me years to decide on the edges. and now i want to fill it in, as i'm filling in. as the picture is forming, so also should my tattoo.

d: fill within my edges.
b: an intense work-out filled in a piece of the puzzle for me today.
g: large sections are becomng clear.. and beautiful.

speed

Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows.

~sextus propertius, 54 b.c. - 15 a.d

i recently read an article on a research project called 'the love study'. in short, participants in the study were married couples and the point was to determine if positive thought, good energy, prayer or whatever you want to call it from one partner, at a distance, could affect change on the other partner. and if so, would training, practice and motivation of the sender affect the effect.

the test seemed to be pretty well executed. the subjects were in separate rooms, unable to view each other. the sender would see a closed-circuit tv image of their partner at random intervals, for random lengths of time, and during those times they were instructed to send 'loving, compassionate intention' to their spouse. both people were hooked up to electrodes and monitoring stuff to check for skin temp rise, heart rate, etc.

and in short, the receivers did in fact show signs of their sympathetic nervous system being stimulated. within half a second of sending the energy the recipients' skin temp began to rise, perspiration increased, blood flow increased, etc.

half a second.

speed of sound. speed of light. lightning?
speed of thought. good vibes?

speed of love.

palpable loving energy can be felt from a distance. the love study says so. (and three dozen other studies conducted by institutions such as university of washington and university of edinburgh) and the beach boys.

...I'm picking up good vibrations
She's giving me excitations
Good good good good vibrations...

~Good Vibrations by the beach boys, 1966

actually from the mid 20's b.c. to 1966, romantics; such as poet sextus propertius and the beach boys band; have proclaimed the power of love from afar. so i am in long standing company with my duh to this research.

instead of revelation, i prefer to find this study as justification to my obsession.

d: compassionate intention sent to my pounding headache.
b: i didn't need these studies to know the power of good vibrations.
g: the speed of love is lightning fast.

commitment

days and nights like this make it hard to sit down at a computer. and yet, i know they will fill the pages, when we're apart.

d: exhalation
b: dedication
g: inspiration