enough

e-nough [i nuhf]

1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire
2. an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency
3. in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently
4. fully or quite
   

it's a funny sounding word. when i'm conserving characters i even stoop so low as to type it 'enuf'. (that's how i pronounce it anyway.) and it's an interesting word because it's used much more often paired with a negative, than alone.

"never enough."
"not enough."

last week i spiraled a little about this word. about this idea. i flip flopped from the idea of abundance and manifesting power to fear and inadequacy.

enough? when? how do you know?

mom challenged me to quantify how much would be enough. and that task gave me peace about money. about income versus expenses. i can do that math. i can calculate 'enough'. and then i can manifest 'enough'.

hell, i can manifest more than enough. (i'm a mega-manifester, after all.)

but today i struggle with enough in a different way... today i ache for more than i have of haley. more time, more access, more..

i want to come home to her and i want to be here when she gets home. i want to wake up to her and i want to curl up in her arms every night. i want to put my clothes away in a dresser when we're together, rather than a duffle bag. i want to put her shoes in the closet, rather than by the door.

and desiring all of that makes this perfect thing we share feel like not enough. (oh, but it is)

this makes me increasingly aware that enough is a kissing cousin to gratitude. and my spiral into not-enoughs should certainly be jarred back to reality by a healthy dose of gratitude.

d: more than enough.
b: i have all the power i need to manifest the more.
g: enough is more than i ever hoped for.

time

i wrote a blog a while back about time being fluid.. and how there's always enough of it to get done the things that are important. about how it's abundant and accommodating.

then just the other day, when i last wrote a blog, i found myself in a timeless state. with little or nothing dictating when or how long over the past week or more.

and then yesterday, haley and i celebrated an 'anniversary' of sorts. six months. (but who's counting) it's felt like a drop of sand on the beach and at the same time like an ocean washing over me; i can't wrap my mind around the paradox that has been time in my life over these past six months.

and today, i started a new job where my time is much more my own. (though i'm being paid by the hour and so maybe it's not my own?)

and also today i scheduled something i've been procrastinating on for months, for monday. something that is going to require time between now and then. something that is going to require a frightening lot of time.

and all of a sudden, i'm starting to think mom was right when she said she respectfully disagreed with my blog on how time is so accommodating. suddenly it feels as though there's not enough and i'll never get it all done. suddenly it feels as though there are a million more things in my day than there are minutes to do them.

*deep exhale*

and yet, i know that's simply not true. the extraneous items (something must be, right?) will fall off my schedule and the important things will fill in the blocks. my need for sleep will diminish and my productivity will increase. my fight or flight instinct will kick in and i know that all will be smooth and, in fact, perhaps better because there's just enough time to get it all in.

i have a card on my fridge with an affirmation on time that i read every morning.

Time is fixed, but the way I use it is not. I have as much time every day as anyone
who ever lived, and no one will ever have more time than me. That means I have all the time I need to do all the things that are important to me, and all the time I need to create the kind of life I want to live.

but now that i think about it... maybe this morning in my haste to get to work i simply grabbed my yogurt and ran out the door, forgetting to take time to read..

d: time to pause, time to focus, time to breathe.
b: my weekend is longer than my work week; time redefined by me.
g: i have plenty of time.

timeless

tonight i got home from a full day and all the digital clocks in the house were blinking. luckily the fancy refrigerator i got on a scratch and dent sale at lowes years ago keeps track somehow of how long the power is out and that makes resetting things quite simple. of course, i do wear a watch, but it doesn't have numbers. so unless hours have passed... it's not very reliable for resetting things.

but when i reset the stove and microwave clocks tonight, it didn't even feel urgent and that struck me as representative of this entire week. though my watch has no numbers on the face, it does have a small window that shows the date and for that i am grateful. it's been my only tie to a calendar since monday.

there's been a nagging sense that i have fallen several days behind on my blog and ordinarily my calendarized life would create a window of opportunity to catch up.. but this week has been different. off the corporate schedule, not yet on a contractor's schedule, still on summer vacation, and answering only to my family, haley and mega - my time is absolutely my own.

and as such, timeless.

and so, for three days i haven't blogged at all. and where i'd usually feel obligated to catch up and fill in those calendar windows with my committed writings; i just don't feel that way this week. my last writings were very dark.. and i shut my computer on those words with tears in my eyes. it feels like a year ago; though only three days; and a million miles of emotional distance; though only a few inches of copy.

time is such a funny thing that way. moving so incredibly slow over last weekend and then so fast over the past three days. and so full and so empty all at the same time.

and so.. i write these dbgs for my timeless week.

d: more day hikes and camping trips with mega and my family.
b: mega is totally house broken at 10 weeks.
g: puppy love.. truly i never knew it could be like this.

d: regularly scheduled trips to newly discovered thrift stores.
b: awesome finds this week!
g: even the boys loved what i found them..

d: movies in theaters always fitting in.
b: i saw two this week!
g: still have a broadway show with the boys to look forward to tomorrow..

d: timeless intervals in my schedule.
b: i get to make my own schedule!
g: things i am excited to fill my days with!

veiled

today i find myself thinking of veils. veils that cover brides and veils that cover tears. veils that hide faces. veils that protect and veils that evade.

today a veil sits down on my joy and barely hides my fear.

d: i long for it to be lifted.
b: i'm barely visible through it.
g: veils permit light.

appetite

it's funny the things that affect my appetite and the way they do. when i'm very happy, i eat. when i'm very stressed, i eat. but when i'm scared - mind you, fear and stress are different - i don't. in fact, food is the last thing i think about. and when i'm sad, i don't.

i've been eating like a horse the past six months or so. but lately, nothing.

on the bright side, i'm down five pounds.

d: an appetite.
b: 5 down, 5 to go!
g: sad movies to disguise the tears.

megaholic

yesterday mega and i met up with zeus and his owner amanda. zeus and amanda are to credit with putting me in touch with betsy, the cav breeder, and zeus and mega are half-brother and sister, sharing the same father. he's about four months older than mega and though they just met; they were fast friends. or rather, family.

i wondered if they could tell how much alike they look or that they were the same breed or from the same family. i wondered if there was any instinctive tie between them or it was just their puppy natures that bound them together so easily.

my weekend has been consumed with puppy-love in fact. yesterday she visited her (new) vet for the first time and was given a perfect bill of health. every genetic checkpoint she passed with flying colors. (thank you betsy!)

and we've been taking lots and lots of walks where she's totally mastered the leash now. no pulling, no crossing, no dallying. it's a dream. today we practiced heeling off-leash. and of course, sit, stay and down. she's a prodigy i tell you, a prodigy.

yesterday her registration papers came and she even got a laminated card that looks like a driver's license - complete with a photo. she's licensed to...umm...

i've been reading cesar millan's book (the dog whisperer guy) and i'm mindful to keep her in line as a dog and all that; so i never expected that i'd be as ridiculously attached to her as i am. today when i went to the farmer's market and left her at home for a couple of hours i missed her. really, i did. (i know - she's not a person, i know. but still.)

tonight, while i was cooking dinner and grilling she ventured off to other parts of the house and then the yard, independently. and i texted to haley that i felt like an empty-nester. how can it be? she's only been home for two weeks?! no, she can't leave yet!

so, i'm admitting it. my codependency has reached a new height, now encompassing my sweet, sweet mega. luckily for me, it seems to be mutual and she's securely placed under my left arm sound asleep.

d: the boys to learn their pack leader roles this week.
b: a prodigy i tell you - a prodigy!
g: very, very healthy puppy!

awry

Let your love be disgraceful, crazy and wild.
If you're too holy and careful God will escape you.

this quote is all over the internet today; blogs, twitter, facebook; attributed to rumi. and i like the passage. but when i read it, i have a hard time putting the two lines together and that didn't seem like rumi to me.. most of his poems and writings make sense to me. so, i did a quick study on it. (ie. i typed it into google.)

as far as i can tell, and admittedly this is based on a very brief internet search, the closest thing i can legitimately find traced back to rumi is:

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober will worry about events going badly.
Let the lover be.

and that makes sense to me. it fits right in with my general state of mind.

i'll take it one step further though - i say, may everyone find love as i have. may everyone be as justifiably crazy, absent-minded and disgraceful as i am. and can we all just let each other be?

and as for the bastardized quote that's floating around the web? i guess that second half must have gotten tacked on there by someone and it stuck. i'll refrain from commentary on it. it sounds like something for someone sober to worry about.

d: tweet this: Let the lover be.
b: my crazy is justifiable.
g: a rumi awry led to a rumi a-right.