three days in a row and three significant things crossed off of my household to-do list. when i say significant i mean significantly annoying. items such as hauling very heavy things to goodwill. or getting new tires. things like that.
someone mentioned the phrase 'spring cleaning' to me today and i thought, 'OH - there's a wave i can ride!' at this point i'm looking for any boost at all to get me to my march 31st goal of putting this house on the market. that leaves three weeks and umm, well, quite a lot still to be done. but at the rate of one significant task a day, i think i'll get there.
i made a list today. it has things such as "#8: burn the playroom" and includes words such as "overhaul" at least twice. even so, and even knowing it's surely incomplete, the list makes it seem much more finite.
yesterday, for no apparent reason, haley said, 'i think you're getting closer.' and i said, 'to what?' and she said, 'to being here. in town.' and i said, 'umm, yeah. i think i am. i hope so.' although nothing perceptible has changed, i do feel a shift.
and so do the boys. though they weathered the initial news well, i'm sensing their ambivalence. i had to prove on paper that in fact atlanta is not one of the most dangerous cities in america. and that contrary to popular opinion there are also a few commendable public schools inside the perimeter. there are even some public schools now charging tuition to folks outside their boundaries - so that's saying something. (is that really public? or quasi private? or simply smart city government?)
i know of course their 'concerns' are just a thin veil for their anxiety about change. and i can understand that. i can't really relate, but i can understand.
i moved more times than i can count as a child and teenager. and that's not me being dramatic. i changed schools 13 times from K-12 and still spent the last two and a half at one school. so you do the math - that's 13 times in 11 years. for me, staying still is more uncomfortable than movement.
(yes, i'm a pisces. thank god.)
and so, in the midst of this changing scenery and the endless checklists, i feel energized. (and exhausted too, but mostly the former.) like a wave gaining momentum and sweeping everything up along the ocean floor.. building in energy and ready to burst upon the shore.
(yes, i'm a pisces. and it's a week until my birthday.)
d: checklists checked complete
b: steadily checking the boxes off
g: yes, i am a pisces..
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
hard
-photo by renee lewisSomething we were withholding made us weak
until we found it was ourselves.
-robert frost
in my recent readings (currently i'm double fisting nonfiction and juggling a novel too) i've stumbled across some ideas that have me taking a hard look at the things that are hardest. at least related to being a mom. which by definition is the hardest, i think.
i'm wading through a study on all the ways i'm potentially screwing my kids up and it seems that every single opportunity is really just a way that i am myself lacking. go figure.
it seems like in more than one area of my life i'm learning that the hardest things to give, receive, and create are quite simply the most important and essential. the high road is the steep and rocky road, right?
i grew up hearing frequently 'why is everything always so hard?' and owing to my contrariness i dug my heels in and took the position that 'nothing is hard. it's all quite easy and possible!' but, at the same time, i believe i created the hard to which i objected.
yesterday i tried something different. today i did something different. i didn't judge easy or hard, i just put one foot in front of the other and did the things i wanted and needed to do. i let go of the easy and hard meter and found that everything felt better. not easier, mind you; but better.
and so, i'm digging into the 'hard' things i struggle with as a parent. and i'm unraveling the 'hard' things that create those struggles.
it's not easy.
but it is better.
d: less withholding
b: i'm not afraid of hard.
g: it is better.
i'm wading through a study on all the ways i'm potentially screwing my kids up and it seems that every single opportunity is really just a way that i am myself lacking. go figure.
it seems like in more than one area of my life i'm learning that the hardest things to give, receive, and create are quite simply the most important and essential. the high road is the steep and rocky road, right?
i grew up hearing frequently 'why is everything always so hard?' and owing to my contrariness i dug my heels in and took the position that 'nothing is hard. it's all quite easy and possible!' but, at the same time, i believe i created the hard to which i objected.
yesterday i tried something different. today i did something different. i didn't judge easy or hard, i just put one foot in front of the other and did the things i wanted and needed to do. i let go of the easy and hard meter and found that everything felt better. not easier, mind you; but better.
and so, i'm digging into the 'hard' things i struggle with as a parent. and i'm unraveling the 'hard' things that create those struggles.
it's not easy.
but it is better.
d: less withholding
b: i'm not afraid of hard.
g: it is better.
Monday, March 8, 2010
exits
narrowing the exits
i only recently heard this expression, or actually read this expression, in a favorite relationship book of haley's and it really struck me. the phrase refers to a conscious effort to reduce, and eventually eliminate, the mechanisms in which we 'exit' uncomfortable situations. all sorts of things from distraction to drug abuse to isolation to work addiction to tv-vegetating to.. well, you get the picture. all these things and more can serve as exits.
when i read about exits, my first thought was 'sleep!' and even more than that - sleeping with my eyes open. i've been thinking for a while that my sleepy-state-of-mind had a deeper root in my mind than my sleep doctor wanted to admit; but this idea of it being a figurative and literal relationship exit really clicked for me.
the suggestion by the author is to stop yourself when your foot starts heading out the door, so to speak, and confront the emotion that is giving you the boot. and so i committed to doing that. because, while i know with absolute certainty that my body is becoming physically sleepy - so sleepy i can barely keep my eyes open at times, i also know that my body is only acting out the established response pattern my brain has established.
change my brain, ie change my mind, and therefore change my body. i believe it's that simple.
i quit taking the nuvigil. i figured if i'm going to confront the exit-causing-emotion, i'll have to experience the urge to exit.
two weeks so far.
still awake.
barely, at times.
but awake nonetheless.
and two weeks in i've learned that when situations become draining, literally draining of my energy, i hit the door. it can be as simple as the boys being rowdy or wanting me to watch a youtube video for the umpteenth time; or as complex and emotional as someone i care about hurting or struggling. at those times my desire to play along or to help wages war with my instinct to hibernate and i often find myself in a daze. a sleepy daze.
it's been exhausting, all this staying awake. but i'm happy to report that the exhaustion is from all that i'm seeing and feeling, rather than what i'm missing.
d: closed exits.
b: i've narrowed them considerably.
g: it's quite warm and safe in here.
i only recently heard this expression, or actually read this expression, in a favorite relationship book of haley's and it really struck me. the phrase refers to a conscious effort to reduce, and eventually eliminate, the mechanisms in which we 'exit' uncomfortable situations. all sorts of things from distraction to drug abuse to isolation to work addiction to tv-vegetating to.. well, you get the picture. all these things and more can serve as exits.
when i read about exits, my first thought was 'sleep!' and even more than that - sleeping with my eyes open. i've been thinking for a while that my sleepy-state-of-mind had a deeper root in my mind than my sleep doctor wanted to admit; but this idea of it being a figurative and literal relationship exit really clicked for me.
the suggestion by the author is to stop yourself when your foot starts heading out the door, so to speak, and confront the emotion that is giving you the boot. and so i committed to doing that. because, while i know with absolute certainty that my body is becoming physically sleepy - so sleepy i can barely keep my eyes open at times, i also know that my body is only acting out the established response pattern my brain has established.
change my brain, ie change my mind, and therefore change my body. i believe it's that simple.
i quit taking the nuvigil. i figured if i'm going to confront the exit-causing-emotion, i'll have to experience the urge to exit.
two weeks so far.
still awake.
barely, at times.
but awake nonetheless.
and two weeks in i've learned that when situations become draining, literally draining of my energy, i hit the door. it can be as simple as the boys being rowdy or wanting me to watch a youtube video for the umpteenth time; or as complex and emotional as someone i care about hurting or struggling. at those times my desire to play along or to help wages war with my instinct to hibernate and i often find myself in a daze. a sleepy daze.
it's been exhausting, all this staying awake. but i'm happy to report that the exhaustion is from all that i'm seeing and feeling, rather than what i'm missing.
d: closed exits.
b: i've narrowed them considerably.
g: it's quite warm and safe in here.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
laundry
i've always been puzzled by the expression 'don't air your dirty laundry in public' because who really airs dirty laundry? i understand the intention behind the idiom, but as a metaphor i think it falls short.
yesterday i wrote a blog that i subsequently deleted. it would probably fall in the category of dirty laundry, or at least things better discussed in private. so, apologies if you clicked the link that i failed to delete from facebook only to be greeted by a page-not-found-message.
growing up one of my chores was hanging the clean laundry on the clothes line. of course, no chore is desirable to a child, but i remember enjoying the ritual of it. the laundry smelled delicious right after the washer and it was cool and wet, a welcome combination in the muggy heat of savannah. there were strict guidelines about the proper way to hang each item to ensure the dried, stiff article would be wearable without excessive ironing. and though my shoulders would ache, i loved the way the wooden clothes pins felt between my small fingers and the corridors of waving shirts and towels that enclosed me as i emptied the basket.
clean laundry airing in the not-quite-public of our back yard. that's what i remember. i'd dry my laundry that way now if i didn't have a pesky homeowner's association that would surely object.
sigh
at any rate, i think it's a good policy to keep the dirty laundry in the basket and the clean laundry on the line. and that's all i really have to say about it.
d: fresh, clean laundry drying in the sun
b: page-not-found
g: good advice
yesterday i wrote a blog that i subsequently deleted. it would probably fall in the category of dirty laundry, or at least things better discussed in private. so, apologies if you clicked the link that i failed to delete from facebook only to be greeted by a page-not-found-message.
growing up one of my chores was hanging the clean laundry on the clothes line. of course, no chore is desirable to a child, but i remember enjoying the ritual of it. the laundry smelled delicious right after the washer and it was cool and wet, a welcome combination in the muggy heat of savannah. there were strict guidelines about the proper way to hang each item to ensure the dried, stiff article would be wearable without excessive ironing. and though my shoulders would ache, i loved the way the wooden clothes pins felt between my small fingers and the corridors of waving shirts and towels that enclosed me as i emptied the basket.
clean laundry airing in the not-quite-public of our back yard. that's what i remember. i'd dry my laundry that way now if i didn't have a pesky homeowner's association that would surely object.
sigh
at any rate, i think it's a good policy to keep the dirty laundry in the basket and the clean laundry on the line. and that's all i really have to say about it.
d: fresh, clean laundry drying in the sun
b: page-not-found
g: good advice
Friday, March 5, 2010
tears
tonight in a closet cleaning craze, i happened across an ann taylor shopping bag with two cardboard boxes inside. the ribbon handles were tied into a tight knot and i didn't recognize either the bag (ann taylor not being on my shopping circuit generally) or the boxes within.
i wrested the ribbons untied and extracted an old shirt box, filled to the brim with cards and letters from 1987. give or take a year. the mail was stamped with 22 cent stamps and mostly from my mother, in arkansas, to me, in savannah.
i was 12 and i'd just moved away to live with my dad.
every letter started with 'you don't know how much i miss you...' and ended with the same.
i slumped into the floor of my closet and reread every word.
and cried.
and cried.
todd is 12.
i can only imagine the heartbreak i'd feel if he moved twelve hours away.
but imagining is enough to break my heart.
d: less unexpected time capsules as i pack closets and cabinets.
b: i stumbled across just what i needed, right when i needed it.
g: there is healing in tears. or so i hear.
i wrested the ribbons untied and extracted an old shirt box, filled to the brim with cards and letters from 1987. give or take a year. the mail was stamped with 22 cent stamps and mostly from my mother, in arkansas, to me, in savannah.
i was 12 and i'd just moved away to live with my dad.
every letter started with 'you don't know how much i miss you...' and ended with the same.
i slumped into the floor of my closet and reread every word.
and cried.
and cried.
todd is 12.
i can only imagine the heartbreak i'd feel if he moved twelve hours away.
but imagining is enough to break my heart.
d: less unexpected time capsules as i pack closets and cabinets.
b: i stumbled across just what i needed, right when i needed it.
g: there is healing in tears. or so i hear.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
hunch
tonight i have a sneaking suspicion that haley is on her way here after work to surprise me. (if i'm wrong then i'll just chalk this up to wishful thinking, but if i'm right then i want to have this documentation that i was on to her.)
today i was at work for a full day. a full day following a full day at the office yesterday. yes, that's two in a row. and tomorrow i have another full day at work. that's three in a row for those of you mathematically-challenged. and i don't like it.
let me be clear, i actually am quite enjoying the work that i'm doing. and the freedom, for the most part, to work at my convenience and pace is luxury beyond belief - considering it's work after all. but i don't like the fact that for what will be three days in a row i'm unable to enjoy the daily routine of non-routine that always accommodates some time with haley.
and today i was ridiculously whiny about it. she was so sweet and calm and reassuring. said everything right. and yet still, i was pouty. when she got off the phone as she pulled up to work, we had planned to meet for breakfast before i go to work. she was even willing to get up early to appease my needy pleas (and she's a late sleeper, so that's a huge concession).
but if my hunch is right, this really is heart-melting behavior. and so, here i lay, with my laptop in bed, ears perked and head tilted toward the driveway, craning my neck to best hear approaching vehicles.. and hopeful. oh so hopeful.
...pause...
she's HERE!!!
yay, i was right. nevermind the rest of what i was going to say... my heart is melted and my baby needs my attention.
swoon.
d: to be half as good to her as she is to me
b: she still hasn't been able to pull one over on me.
g: she loves me. she really really does.
today i was at work for a full day. a full day following a full day at the office yesterday. yes, that's two in a row. and tomorrow i have another full day at work. that's three in a row for those of you mathematically-challenged. and i don't like it.
let me be clear, i actually am quite enjoying the work that i'm doing. and the freedom, for the most part, to work at my convenience and pace is luxury beyond belief - considering it's work after all. but i don't like the fact that for what will be three days in a row i'm unable to enjoy the daily routine of non-routine that always accommodates some time with haley.
and today i was ridiculously whiny about it. she was so sweet and calm and reassuring. said everything right. and yet still, i was pouty. when she got off the phone as she pulled up to work, we had planned to meet for breakfast before i go to work. she was even willing to get up early to appease my needy pleas (and she's a late sleeper, so that's a huge concession).
but if my hunch is right, this really is heart-melting behavior. and so, here i lay, with my laptop in bed, ears perked and head tilted toward the driveway, craning my neck to best hear approaching vehicles.. and hopeful. oh so hopeful.
...pause...
she's HERE!!!
yay, i was right. nevermind the rest of what i was going to say... my heart is melted and my baby needs my attention.
swoon.
d: to be half as good to her as she is to me
b: she still hasn't been able to pull one over on me.
g: she loves me. she really really does.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
season
it seems that i've somehow fallen into a tuesday night blogging pattern, which is a bit negligent when i really think about it. a dbg a week isn't really what i want for myself when it comes to recreational writing. but sometimes once a week is just about all i can muster.
these past couple of weeks have fallen into that category. i'm not even sure i can put a finger on the 'main' reason, though i know i blamed the olympics last tuesday. it seems like all of a sudden, my life is very full. and very exhausting.
to be fair, i'm always busy. that's really nothing new. but i've had the intention of getting my house on the market 'in the spring' and to this piscean spring is defined by march 1st. (never mind the sudden snow that was blowing furiously on my commute this morning, blinding me and offending my springtime mindset.) so, when i turned my calendar over to march this weekend (a couple days early, yeah yeah) i decided it was time to get that underway. really underway.
after all, a neighbor recently listed theirs and i've met two realtors in the past few weeks. god-winks? maybe. or maybe more like god-nudges.
saturday i put my garage back in order. meaning, i threw away a dumpster full of accumulated junk and shoved what was left into jigsaw-like formation against the walls and on the shelves. my car now neatly fits in on one side and the other is so empty we can even open the passenger side door without dinging it against the lawnmower or recycling bin.
sunday i tackled the second most daunting obstacle in the sell-my-house process. i told the boys.
it was a beautiful day and we were heading to piedmont park to enjoy the sunny, springlike temperature. i broke it gently, explaining the undeniable reality that this house is more than we need and more than i can afford. that wasn't a surprise and they took it well.
then todd said, 'just promise me we won't have to change schools.'
umm
and luke chimed in, 'don't tell me we're moving to the city.'
umm
'i can't promise you that, boys...'
cue the tears.
i assured them that schools are my number one priority when the time arrives to decide our next home and we discussed the possibility that it may take a (long) while for the house to sell.
'i know all you can think about right now is what you're losing.. but maybe there's some value in thinking about what we may gain,' i suggested. i began, 'i want a fenced in yard.' todd added, 'i want a hot tub.' luke interrupted, 'can we just stop talking about it?'
so, then i figured i may as well get all the unpleasantries out of the way at once and told them that when the house is officially up for sale i'll need their help keeping it tidy. read: additional chores.
silence in the car.
then luke reflects, 'that's like helping your enemy rob your favorite store, mommy.'
sigh
as we walked from our car we passed a house for rent that faced the park. it was a great house. in our price range. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. in the school district i've targeted. i pointed it out, not as a viable option, but as a nod to possibility. the boys were fairly dismissive of it.. until we crossed the street.
then todd said, 'if we lived there we could've come over here and slid down this hill when it snowed!' and luke said, 'i could learn to snow board!' (hey, he's 10!) and then they started looking around, 'is that the awesome pool we went to last summer? could we join?' and after throwing a ball around for an hour or so and running mega to sheer exhaustion, on the way back to the car todd said, 'maybe we could move over the summer and then we'd forget all about our old schools.'
silent cheer.
i drove them by the schools i've got in mind and we popped into yoforia. by the time we'd pulled up our green stools and compared topping combinations, moving into town had lost its bite and maybe, just maybe, taken on an aura of excitement. 'if we lived around here, we could walk to yoforia!'
i know there will be more anger and more tears before we pack up and move, just as our springlike weather was followed by a cold, wet snowy day; but this weekend it's supposed to be 60 and i trust the bright sun and newness of spring will eventually warm the boys to our new seasons.
d: a spring of readiness and a summer of change.
b: first two daunting house-selling tasks complete!
g: sons who trust me.
these past couple of weeks have fallen into that category. i'm not even sure i can put a finger on the 'main' reason, though i know i blamed the olympics last tuesday. it seems like all of a sudden, my life is very full. and very exhausting.
to be fair, i'm always busy. that's really nothing new. but i've had the intention of getting my house on the market 'in the spring' and to this piscean spring is defined by march 1st. (never mind the sudden snow that was blowing furiously on my commute this morning, blinding me and offending my springtime mindset.) so, when i turned my calendar over to march this weekend (a couple days early, yeah yeah) i decided it was time to get that underway. really underway.
after all, a neighbor recently listed theirs and i've met two realtors in the past few weeks. god-winks? maybe. or maybe more like god-nudges.
saturday i put my garage back in order. meaning, i threw away a dumpster full of accumulated junk and shoved what was left into jigsaw-like formation against the walls and on the shelves. my car now neatly fits in on one side and the other is so empty we can even open the passenger side door without dinging it against the lawnmower or recycling bin.
sunday i tackled the second most daunting obstacle in the sell-my-house process. i told the boys.
it was a beautiful day and we were heading to piedmont park to enjoy the sunny, springlike temperature. i broke it gently, explaining the undeniable reality that this house is more than we need and more than i can afford. that wasn't a surprise and they took it well.
then todd said, 'just promise me we won't have to change schools.'
umm
and luke chimed in, 'don't tell me we're moving to the city.'
umm
'i can't promise you that, boys...'
cue the tears.
i assured them that schools are my number one priority when the time arrives to decide our next home and we discussed the possibility that it may take a (long) while for the house to sell.
'i know all you can think about right now is what you're losing.. but maybe there's some value in thinking about what we may gain,' i suggested. i began, 'i want a fenced in yard.' todd added, 'i want a hot tub.' luke interrupted, 'can we just stop talking about it?'
so, then i figured i may as well get all the unpleasantries out of the way at once and told them that when the house is officially up for sale i'll need their help keeping it tidy. read: additional chores.
silence in the car.
then luke reflects, 'that's like helping your enemy rob your favorite store, mommy.'
sigh
as we walked from our car we passed a house for rent that faced the park. it was a great house. in our price range. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. in the school district i've targeted. i pointed it out, not as a viable option, but as a nod to possibility. the boys were fairly dismissive of it.. until we crossed the street.
then todd said, 'if we lived there we could've come over here and slid down this hill when it snowed!' and luke said, 'i could learn to snow board!' (hey, he's 10!) and then they started looking around, 'is that the awesome pool we went to last summer? could we join?' and after throwing a ball around for an hour or so and running mega to sheer exhaustion, on the way back to the car todd said, 'maybe we could move over the summer and then we'd forget all about our old schools.'
silent cheer.
i drove them by the schools i've got in mind and we popped into yoforia. by the time we'd pulled up our green stools and compared topping combinations, moving into town had lost its bite and maybe, just maybe, taken on an aura of excitement. 'if we lived around here, we could walk to yoforia!'
i know there will be more anger and more tears before we pack up and move, just as our springlike weather was followed by a cold, wet snowy day; but this weekend it's supposed to be 60 and i trust the bright sun and newness of spring will eventually warm the boys to our new seasons.
d: a spring of readiness and a summer of change.
b: first two daunting house-selling tasks complete!
g: sons who trust me.
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