perchance

To sleep, perchance to dream -  

ay, there's the rub.  

 Hamlet  (III, i, 65-68)

it's some sort of cosmic, karmic joke that both of my boys have taken up extracurricular activities that require them to arrive at school before the sun is up on saturday mornings; seeing as i'm such a morning person.  but this week is different.

today todd left for virginia, to a national debate tournament, at 6:30 am.  incidentally, that's the same time my first alarm goes off on weekdays.  the first alarm being the one that i ignore and sleep through.  the first alarm being the one that cues mega to begin my real waking process, "wake up, i'm hungry!!"  so ordinarily i would fall back into bed after dropping him off and try to catch a couple more moments of dreamful sleep.

but not today, friday.  i left him at school, went to the grocery store, got home and readied myself for work, and there was a bounce in my step.  friday has long been my favorite day of the week..not because it's the end of the week, but rather because it's the beginning of the weekend.  full of promise and potential.  full of play and possibility.

for the past two years my december fridays have been polished off with an early quitting time at work.  we close at 2 for this month of fridays in order that we can plough the mall, prepare for the holiday, and perhaps elude gridlock.

that's already pretty perfect; but today, my friday precedes a saturday of peaceful, alarm-free, slumber.  the plan is poised:  boys out of town, pork dinner for mega, pillows prepped.

d:  plentiful dreams
b:  planning for pleasure
g:  private peace

tyranny

if i had a dime for every time i said, 'i know i shouldn't, but i wish...'  or 'i shouldn't feel this way but...' or 'i shouldn't say this but...'  well, let's just say i wouldn't be blogging at noon on black friday.  

shouldism:  a virus of epic proportions - never mind ebola.  this one will grab hold of your brain and your tongue and deliver a crippling dose of judgement and guilt.

admittedly, i'm not uncovering a great revelation here.  it's the subject of many pithy expressions. 'stop shoulding all over yourself,' 'shoulda, woulda, coulda.'

and it's even documented in psychological literature as a symptom of neurosis.  karen horney coined the foreboding term 'the tyranny of should' as a trait of a neurotic.  she described it as a split between a person's ideal self and their despised self.  the despised self being the one that they believe to not measure up to some ideal. what these neurotics, according to horney, fail to recognize is that the ideal self is not a positive goal, but rather unrealistic and ultimately impossible.   she proposed that the neurotic vacillates between hating themselves and feigning perfection.

strong words, eh?  no wonder she termed it a 'tyranny'.  just so we're all on the same page:

tyranny (n) [tir uh nee]
1.  arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power, despotic abuse of authority
2.  the government or rule of a tyrant or absolute ruler
3.  a state ruled by a tyrant or absolute ruler
4.  oppressive or unjustly severe government on the part of any ruler
5.  undue severity or harshness
6.  a cruel or harsh act or proceeding; an arbitrary, oppressive or tyrannical action.

so, to me, that sounds as if i'm acting as an oppressively harsh and unjustly severe absolute ruler on my own emotions.   oh and let's not leave out:  arbitrary.  no wonder it's neurotic.

apparently the remedy for this neurotic condition is to mute the critic in our heads and replace the 'should' with a 'could' or a 'choose', or simply deleting it.  acknowledging what is, rather than denying and subjugating our own reality.

'i shouldn't be so upset about it...' becomes 'i am upset.'
'i shouldn't say this but...' becomes 'i choose to say this..'
'i should go to bed earlier...'  becomes 'i could go to bed earlier...'

i can get behind that.  especially when it comes to emotions.  after all, 'should' is a mental process of evaluating and judging, and emotions are not.  as mark twain so simply put it -

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.  

and despising oneself for an involuntary act has never proven to be all that effective.  (see: snoring, stage fright, goose bumps, laughter, et al)

confession:  even now, as i conclude a blog on the destructive nature of self-judgement, i think to myself, 'i should be more clever.  this isn't as funny/clear/insightful as it should be.  i should delete and start over.'  

but no.  sure, i could be more clever.  sure, i could have brought more levity to the topic.  but the reality is - i'm not.  i choose not to.  this topic weighs heavily on me and i'm writing from a place of heartfelt consternation.

that is my reality.  and that's the only one i have to worry about.

d:  less tyranny
b:  more acknowledgement
g:  involuntary sincerity

fated

The ancients believed in fate because they recognized how hard it is for anyone to change anything.  The pull of past and future is so strong that the present is crushed by it.

 -excerpted from Weight: The Myth of Atlas and Heracles, Jeanette Winterson

i've never been one that believes in 'fate', as it were.  instead i believe in the power of manifesting.  the power of now.  the power of the individual to tap into a greater consciousness, call it what you wish, and change the course of their life.  but when i ran across this passage by one of my favorite authors, i had to pause and consider it.  

i relate strongly to the last clause...'the present is crushed by it'.   i know that feeling.. the feeling that no matter what effort i deploy, no matter how staunchly resistant or willfully headstrong, the course is set and some things are simply inevitable.  and yet, how can that be? 

growing up in a christian church i often struggled with this same paradox by a different name.  predestination versus free will.. and it was one of those conundrums that could tie my brain in knots, such as 'how do you get from 1 to 2 when there are infinite numbers between them?'  

argh.  that one still sends me into a spiral of mathematical torment.  

but i digress... back to the question at hand.  of fate.  of crushing inevitability.  and suddenly, just now, while i stare out my front window at the autumn sun and ponder this, i remember another passage i have transcribed in my book of quotes.  here, i'll share it.. 

But he was able to understand one thing:  making a decision was only the beginning of things.  When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision. 

-excerpted from The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho 

this 'current' coelho references.. this 'strong current'.. that is how i see fate.  it isn't there waiting for us, but rather an unexpected byproduct of the choices we make at every turn.  semantics perhaps.  but it's an explanation that i can abide by.  my skill at predicting those byproducts is woefully weak; but nevertheless, in hindsight i can usually identify when i stepped into the current that is currently sweeping me off my feet. 

d: to give in and float a'while

b: i have ideas!  so many ideas about which i want to write...

g: weak prediction skills.. for i fear i'd miss so much if i always knew where the current was taking me

reprise

two days from thanksgiving 2014.  three years and nearly eight months since i last put words on virtual paper under the auspices of a blog.  i see a few feeble attempts to resuscitate my writing in the last entries here.. but as i'm certain to have expounded on years ago, i'm an all or nothing kind of girl. and despite living with this on/off switch for 40 years, i have yet to find a way to flip it at will.

that being said, one thing is certain... i may shelve an obsession for a time, but where there's passion and joy i will revisit again and again.  and in my writing, there are both.

in my languid rereading of years' past blogs, i am struck by the effervescent zeal and inspiration that drove me to pour words out, page after page... and the abrupt stop to the creative product when the struggles of reality crowded out the buoyant bliss in which i wrote.

on the one hand, i thought to myself, it makes sense that in the thrall and thrill of a new love i would find my greatest creative inspiration and of course it would fade when that honeymoon subsided.  but i also recognize the lie of omission in that explanation.  it wasn't for wont of time or even of emotionally moving content that my writing here ceased.. it wasn't for lack of desire to write or forgetfulness.. it wasn't even 'dead to me', as things i'm once obsessed with may suddenly become.

it was fear.  it was shame.  it was a facade that i didn't want to taint or tarnish.  the first two hundred and eighty one posts in this blog were in large part a tribute and a testimony to the relationship i had just begun.. starting this blog only a few months after we met, it was my creative outlet in a time when my emotional enthusiasm was unbounded.

when my marriage began to crumble around me and while i hid from that reality and my part in it, i also ducked out of the parts of my life that made me joyful.  i stopped writing..and reading.. i stopped working out.. i stopped exploring my world, literally and figuratively. and i stopped connecting.  in fact, i isolated myself.  both from my estranged wife and from the daily connections i once treasured, both known and yet-to-be formed..

and the last thing i wanted to do was blog about it.  exposing my utter failure at the relationship that held the headliner's role here was simply too vulnerable.   and also, in the utterly fantastic way i approach all of my pains and struggles (fantastic meaning fantasy-based, that is), as counterpoint to my notion growing up that 'writing it down verifies its occurrence', if i didn't write about it.. if i didn't acknowledge it....

yes, denial is a powerful drug.

so, here i am two years after my marriage ended and three and a half since i've written anything more than a debate case with todd.   it's time for a reprise.  a reprise that's not motivated by an epic high in my life.  a reprise that's not steeped in rose-scented recounts of a blossoming relationship.   but rather, a reprise that is real.  blooms and thorns.  bliss and duress.

a reprise that's not obligated to a calendar or a sugar-coated charade.  i will however commit myself to the discipline of a dbg within each post, not because it's at the top of the page; but because it's the thread that carries me through.. and in this reprise, it's the tool that i'll use to remain vulnerable and honest with myself.. and with you.

d:  a return to candor, minus the sugar-coating.
b:  i still have it.  and love it.
g:  a strongly worded question of reckoning from an influential voice in my life

add-traction

so, as per usual, the calendar has made a liar out of me. it's really been a month since i've written here? guess i'm not back after all.

over the past month (or two) (see, i think 'a month' but then when i really stop and consult my calendar i see that it's actually been twice that.. which does seem to be a common theme in my life), i've been examining my life under the influence of a new drug. er, i mean, a new diagnosis. i haven't wanted to blog about it because i just wasn't sure where it would all net out and i'm not really up to the scrutiny and pontification on the subject from everyone i know.

but anyway, here i am. anyone that knows me, or my blog, knows i have serious memory issues. it's always been this way and it's pervasive, from the experiences in my own recent history (sometimes as recent as yesterday) to the basic world history facts we all learned in elementary school (and ad nauseum every academic year thereafter). i've blamed it on my sleep disorder and i've credited it as a coping mechanism and i've chalked it up to too many artificial sweeteners. but hell, i didn't know.

what i did know is that i've always lived in a daydream.. one foot on the ground, but just barely, and just not entirely present. unless i'm high on adrenaline for some reason: drama, passion, despair. now i come to find out, much to my amazement, it's not just a trait of my zodiac sign, but apparently a function of my brain mal-function. my attention deficit brain. yep, as a 37 year old woman, i've been diagnosed with adhd. go figure.

when i mentioned it to my long term, but occasional, therapist, she said, 'oh yeah, i know. it's right here in this paperwork you did in 2005. you scored in the clinical range then.' i said, 'really? we never talked about it,' vaguely recalling her mentioning and then dismissing it (or did i?). she said, 'it wasn't something you were concerned with...' i didn't know then what i know now.

in my usual somewhat obsessive way, i immediately read three academic books on both the established and latest research and quickly realized that i've been a textbook case all my life, and wow could things have been different for me had i known.

i won't bore you, or myself, with the intricacies of my discovery; but let's just say it's been a mixed bag. exciting and depressing. frustrating and hopeful. addition and subtraction.

in the addition column i place a new ability to hear my boys. i can listen to an entire monologue of teenage antics, classroom hijinks, or play-by-play plot narration of the latest hawaii five o without zoning out. it's changed my entire relationship with my sons. i also count the ability to work, when i need to - rather than when the deadline is looming, and effectively cross things off my to-do list. i find in the addition column a real sense of calm. (ironically, since i'm taking a stimulant right?) i find that i can put my mind in a place..and it stays there.

sidenote: that one is a bit disconcerting, actually. i have to be careful not to put it somewhere negative, because i won't easily get distracted from that negative place.. and i can linger in a bad memory or a self-destructive thought for way longer than i'm accustomed to. it's curious.

other additions: significant loss of interest in food (yippee!) and unlimited energy for exercise (double yippee!). an ability to stay engaged in a tennis match, all the way to its bitter end. (yes, i could find myself daydreaming in between serve and return prior to this. not a good thing for a scoring match.) i also feel more positive, empathic feelings, for the people in my life who i love. i often find myself simply loving them more. appreciating them more. i know these feelings have been there all along, but i couldn't still myself long enough to feel, let alone express, them.

but every half full glass is also half empty, and the subtractions are there too. when my mind used to flit from thing to thing, it was electric. not energizing in a particularly productive way, like a power plant, but more like static electricity - a spark. i never knew where i'd land, mentally, and that made it sort of fun. my mind is quiet now. and sometimes it's so quiet, it even bores me. hence, now that i have the ability to focus and theoretically write (!), the spark is so dim, i barely feel it.

that's about it though. i guess that's pretty good. mostly additions. just one notable subtraction. i know that i'll figure it out. i know that i'll find other ways to generate that spark. it's flickering in the embers..waiting for a steady bellow to ignite it. steady, i have. the bellow? it's coming..

d: more add, less sub
b: only 37 years distracted, many more to be present
g: access to the steady..steadily making me a better person

once-in-a-lifetime

so, i'm sure nobody expected me to be writing again so soon. i mean, if i had a dime for every time i said, 'i'm getting back to my blog' i wouldn't be stressing the wedding expenses..or anything else. but here i am, less than 24 hours later, and burning with a topic about which i want to vent, er i mean, creatively express myself.

and i can't.

or rather, i shouldn't.

in a rare exercise of self-restraint i'm going to keep my mouth, and fingers, quiet on this particular topic. and instead write about ... ummm. i'm not sure.

this morning i registered todd for a school trip to spain next spring. (yes, they promote early sign-up to help offset the ginormous expense.) it's one of those things where i felt my heart flutter when i did it because i know it's a very big deal, a once-in-a-lifetime experience for a young teen. i get a thrill out of giving the boys things i never had. but the magnitude doesn't escape me.

i've felt a similar flutter as we write checks for the wedding, but it's not quite as easy. i keep reminding myself that i deserve this once-in-a-lifetime experience too.

today i'm choosing to trust in the flow of the universe. in the flow of abundance. i trust that everything will work out as it should. todd will have his trip. we'll have the wedding. and the irs..well, they can get in line. as best i can tell, they aren't going anywhere.

d: trust in the flow
b: restraint of the tongue
g: abundance

comeback

today i played my third tennis match of the season. i won. in three sets. (which means i lost the first one, in case you're as tennis illiterate as i was two years ago.)

at some point in the first set i noticed that my mind was already doing the calculations on my division rating assuming a loss. i was even crafting a facebook status despairing the match. in the first set. and when i realized where my head was, that i'd already mentally thrown in the towel, i had a come-to-jesus moment with myself. the score was 1-5 at that point. i managed to win the next two games to bring the first set to a 3-6 close.

when i walked to the baseline to serve for the first game of the second set i said to myself, 'so now you're going to have to play three sets.' and after my opponent won the first two games of the second set, i told myself to focus only on 'play your best tennis for this point, just this one,' before each point.

and when i won the next three games in a row i suddenly had a vision of my last match. why it hadn't popped into my consciousness before that is beyond me. in that particular match, i'd quickly won the first set, but then found myself in the second set down 1-5. and came back to win 7-6. five games in a row. and a tie break.

i'm the comeback kid! i repeated this affirmation to myself for the remaining dozen or so games and indeed it was true.

it's been a month since i've written creatively. in consideration of the month i've had, i've been disappointed that my writing hasn't flourished. i've accessed some things in myself that have been long out of reach - perhaps always out of reach. and yet, the one thing i most want more of, i haven't been able to access at all.

there have been many other lulls in my writing... but usually those times are wall to wall with ideas and not enough focus or time to put them onto paper. and this was the opposite. desire and focus and time..and no ideas. it's been boggling to me.

tonight on our way home from todd's taekwondo classes in snellville, i was racking my brain for any creative buds. wishing i had something, anything at all even, to inspire me. and here i landed.

i'm a comeback kid.

not particularly inspired, but somewhat reassured. i may be down a handful of games, but i know i'll comeback. consider this your warning, or perhaps the literary equivalent of a save-the-date, my creative comeback is at hand. and i hope you will too.

d: continued comeback victories
b: i can comeback from significant deficits
g: the hint of inspiration comingback