hope

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
~henry wadsworth longfellow

funny, i saw this necklace a month or so ago on on the website of one of my favorite jewelry designers. and i fell in love with it a little. the words spoke to me, although i definitely didn't consider myself at that lowest ebb then.

i'm a water sign and i definitely own that. i flow up and down and swirl around and ride the waves and crash on the shore and all of those liquidy metaphors. they all apply. so maybe that's one reason this resonated with me. but certainly another is the promise of something better.

i'm an eternal optimist. hopeful against all odds. mom has always said i'm fantastic. as in, living in a fantasy. that's a mom'ism for delusional, i suspect.

and today i find things ebbing. i learned today that my position is being eliminated. there are new ones in my group for which i can apply and i intend to. but.. i am scared. i am sad. the tide is low.

i'm waiting for my fantastic self to kick in. still feeling kicked though. i'm waiting for my half-full glass to appear. still feeling quite empty though. i'm waiting for my rose colored glasses to change my outlook. still looking pretty dark though.

i've been asking for a new opportunity. i've been asking for something better. i've been asking for a change. and now i'm getting what i asked for.

i placed myself in the flow. i must remain there and trust that the tide will come in. it always does.

d: peace and patience as the tide turns.
b: ironically, today i was highly complimented on the afore-mentioned heinous beverage project (see: sunshine), by the big boss.
g: the new opportunity. whatever it may be.

goose

even the best intentions sometimes go awry. today was like that.

set the alarm. overslept. should have stayed there. it was definitely the best part of my day.

i had made up my mind that today would be different. i'd go in to work and expect the best, create the sort of culture that i miss, and enjoy the contribution i can make. (see: sunshine)

that lasted until about 11:53am when i received a scathing email from mr.unfortunatelybutappropriatelynamed in the corner office. i literally thought, 'i wish i were a duck.' there's a cloud sitting over my desk and the rain keeps on coming down. a duck superhero suit would certainly help it roll off my back.

(checking ebay for a duck suit real quick.)

duck, duck, goose. the goose jumps up and runs. i feel like running. away.

d: to center myself in the flow and catch a current.
b: calm and appropriate response to an inappropriate message
g: 31 cent scoop day.

sunshine

when i was sitting in the office at 8pm tonight, i looked up and saw this magnet there in front of me. i was given this by a friend on my 30th birthday, a 'number' of years ago. i had no idea of the foreshadowing.

i am boggled by any parents that would allow, or even worse - deem, their son richard with the nickname dick. but the corner office in my department holds such an unfortunate offspring. it truly brings to mind the old chicken vs egg question. names are funny like that.

my mom tells me that i quite nearly was named sunshine. it was a toss-up between sunshine and jessica, but my aunt diana came to the rescue telling her sunshine sounded like a hooker's name. i do wonder how my life would've been different living out the name sunshine with skin that appears to have never seen such. maybe i'd have tanned into the name.

but i digress.. i looked up and saw this magnet and agreed with it, on multiple levels, and felt my energy drop another notch. i'd been in a chair since before 8 am this morning... although, the office at night is a peaceful place. it almost felt comfortable. something i haven't felt at work in a long time.

i glanced around my office space, noticing the ways it fits me. my heater blasting under the desk. the bottle recycling i initiated almost in need of emptying again. my sand garden messy. (kirk hasn't been by to rake it lately, i guess. he's been doing that for 7 years now.) magnets of the boys in sports uniforms. a recent hammered shot.

i sighed and leaned back, waiting for the never-ending print spooling to complete. (twenty minutes for two pages is reasonable, right?) i looked up at my overhead cabinet and all the things i've accumulated there and instead of seeing the omg-i-don't-care-to-know-dick magnet, i saw the things around it.

a tag i tore off a dog carrier in chicago: 'the world according to jess'. a maple leaf todd wrote 'i love living' on, in kindergarten. a dilbert cartoon about how hard it is to name products. assorted pins that i've collected: 'listen to the children', 'she who laughs lasts', and 'experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.'

but my eyes came to rest on the little orange tag from 'life is good'. it read, 'do what you like. like what you do.' shame on me. i do like what i do. i even love it at times. and yet i'm miserable right now at work. and i'm choosing that. i'm not doing what i like. i'm doing misery. i'm doing resentment. i'm doing victim. well, i'm done.

as long as i like what i'm doing, i'm going to do it. and i'm going to stop doing all of that.

and maybe i'll pin the 'she who laughs lasts' button a little closer to the i-hate-dick magnet, while i'm doing it.

d: do what i like, like what i do. live it.
b: finished that god forsaken beverage project. and it actually looks pretty good.
g: i have a job.

lucky

Young, female stranger in the bathroom line: "Wow, you two are so lucky."
Haley and I turn away from each other to the young girl standing behind us in line. "Oh?"
Stranger: "Yeah, you are lucky to have found someone that's so sweet to you. You look so happy together."
...

this morning i turned on my computer and when it booted up, and all my programs launched, i was greeted by this little tidbit on the msn welcome screen. ('why you haven't met the one', if you don't make the jump) funny, i've been thinking a lot about this concept lately.. asking myself how the hell i got so lucky, all of a sudden.

last night haley and i received this compliment that echoed what we've been saying for months now. so i guess it shows. but yet i struggle with lucky. i feel incredibly lucky. i mean incredibly.

incredible [in-kred'-uh-buhl] adj: so extraordinary as to seem impossible

perhaps it is impossible. impossible that it could be all luck. so i took a look at the article. maybe i followed these rules laid out by the genius relationship advisors at msn.

number 1: does not apply. sparks? hell. there was fire.

i heard about meetings like this. love at first sight. nobody else in the room. instant chemistry. and i had always rolled my eyes at that. sure, i'd buy into lust at first sight and mutual attraction. but something more profound? doubtful.

and then it happened to me. instant electricity that put the rest of the room in the dark. so i can't really comment on this first suggestion to 'forget romance and use the friend filter.' pfft. puh-leeze.

number 2: check.

i'm not a T on the myers-briggs, i don't analyze and think things through as they happen to me. i'm the quintessential F. i follow my intuition and heart and gut. i take inventory continuously on how i'm feeling, but i don't analyze the results. and so, i haven't given a minute's thought to 'my date's resume' as long as i feel the way i do in her presence.

number 3: check.

i love this one. it's cheesy, the way it's written, but the principle rings true for me. every date, every day, i chose to take at face value. after a month, i said to haley and my friends, 'i never expected it to be as amazing as it is. if we walked away today, i'd be grateful for what we've shared thus far.' and every day i'm more grateful.

number 4: check. sort of.

how many times did haley and i pass each other over in the same bars, parties, clubs, circles of friends? right person, right place, right time. this is where i insert luck. or divine providence. or maybe we just showed up and had our eyes open, where they weren't before.

number 5: check.

duh. on my way to haley's house, first date, i'm chatting with jackie. i'm feeling the first rush of nerves and insecurity. do i look fat in these jeans? is my hair ok? jackie types, 'confidence is sexy. nervous is not. get over it.' she was right. i hang up and turn on my favorite sing-along cd. loud. it worked.

so, maybe i followed the rules without even knowing it. as luck would have it.

d: 'lucky' to permeate my professional life.
b: so happy it shows and can be shared.
g: a beautiful day to wake up to, a beautiful way to start my week.

phoenix

The phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of myrhh twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible — it is also said that it can heal a person with a tear from its eyes and make them temporarily immune to death.

as i walked through reynoldstown, cabbagetown and inman park today i was energized by the regrowth and renewal there. the homes being turned inside out and reborn in bright life and color and excitement. the people, so friendly and eager to make connections and lend a helping hand. the trust and the diversity. the old and the new juxtaposed and yet somehow complementary.

phoenix.

i walked through the inman park festival today. a festival of artists and crafters and dreamers. we fit in. (i as the dreamer, of course.) it occurred to me that my favorite art is often the work created from the found materials.. the discarded...the recycled... the reborn.

phoenix.

i was anxious tonight at dinner. my mind was at home swimming in work that needed to be completed, my body was at a restaurant miles and hours from there. i looked across the table at todd and he was laughing. genuine, hearty laughter as he composed a silly scenario with pam. i chose to show up then. and my night was reborn. the work is now complete. the anxiety dissipated. the sunset burned in my memory. the boys asleep. haley is on her way over.

phoenix.

d: a productive monday.
b: i found the cut-est apron and can't wait to wear it.
g: the new phoenix is destined to live at least as long as the old.

dominos

through one of those weird and wonderful synchronicities of life, today i clicked through someone else's blog to a livejournal blog of a stranger. when i got there, i was reminded that about three and a half years ago, i first made a tentative step into blogging on that site. and as luck would have it, i remembered my log-in.

it didn't take long to reread the month of entries i had there and it took me back in vivid detail to that time in my life. december 2005. huge changes taking place then. i was in the middle of a spiritual domino fall.. one thing tipping off another tipping off another.. and there was a person in my life then that was sharing the experience and tipped a few of those black-and-whites for me.

she was a business colleague initially and then a friend.. and along the way stepped into a role that i'm not sure either of us would have anticipated, as a real sounding board and mentor for my exploration of a greater spiritual understanding and world view.. it was an unexpected connection that i believe was placed in my journey because she had a message to give me. i treasured it then and still.

as synchronicities go, while that livejournal blog of mine reminded me of this important person i was also reminded that today is her birthday. i left her a casual birthday greeting online today and wished i could tell her how fondly i remember the months we were close, but then.. i didn't. we're out of touch now.. for the most part. facebook friends, as i say. brushing shoulders in cyber space every so often.

and so i want to celebrate her special day with a celebration of the gift she brought to me. i have a belief system that has shaped my life and relationships and joy and given me a community of faith and love.. and i track it all back to the very first domino that was tipped when i said to this friend, 'i heard something interesting on the radio today...' and she replied, 'have you read...'

dominos falling in my life... the right people in the right places. synchronicity. evolution.

happy birthday.

d: dominos falling for you, this year and many more
b: i corrected my casual birthday greeting with something more fitting.
g: you showed up.

showing up

"Life is a call sheet," Emma wrote in the 'The Slush Pile Reader.' "You're supposed to show up when they tell you, but that's the only rule."

(excerpted from Until I Find You by john irving)

i believe emma had it right. all we really have to do is show up. but you can't half-ass show up. we have to show up in mind, body and spirit. we have to really be there. here. now. not here, but our mind is there. or here, but really in tomorrow or yesterday or is-it-five-o'clock-yet.

tonight i had a date with luke. he showed up and so did i. it had to rank right up there as one of the best friday nights ever.

and that was only my first friday night. i have a second one starting soon. i'll show up for that one too. can't think of anywhere else i'd rather be.

d: more showing up
b: my luke is the most sensitive and loving and protective of his mom star-wars-freak this side of the perimeter. or maybe the world.
g: the campers left. finally.