sunshine

when i was sitting in the office at 8pm tonight, i looked up and saw this magnet there in front of me. i was given this by a friend on my 30th birthday, a 'number' of years ago. i had no idea of the foreshadowing.

i am boggled by any parents that would allow, or even worse - deem, their son richard with the nickname dick. but the corner office in my department holds such an unfortunate offspring. it truly brings to mind the old chicken vs egg question. names are funny like that.

my mom tells me that i quite nearly was named sunshine. it was a toss-up between sunshine and jessica, but my aunt diana came to the rescue telling her sunshine sounded like a hooker's name. i do wonder how my life would've been different living out the name sunshine with skin that appears to have never seen such. maybe i'd have tanned into the name.

but i digress.. i looked up and saw this magnet and agreed with it, on multiple levels, and felt my energy drop another notch. i'd been in a chair since before 8 am this morning... although, the office at night is a peaceful place. it almost felt comfortable. something i haven't felt at work in a long time.

i glanced around my office space, noticing the ways it fits me. my heater blasting under the desk. the bottle recycling i initiated almost in need of emptying again. my sand garden messy. (kirk hasn't been by to rake it lately, i guess. he's been doing that for 7 years now.) magnets of the boys in sports uniforms. a recent hammered shot.

i sighed and leaned back, waiting for the never-ending print spooling to complete. (twenty minutes for two pages is reasonable, right?) i looked up at my overhead cabinet and all the things i've accumulated there and instead of seeing the omg-i-don't-care-to-know-dick magnet, i saw the things around it.

a tag i tore off a dog carrier in chicago: 'the world according to jess'. a maple leaf todd wrote 'i love living' on, in kindergarten. a dilbert cartoon about how hard it is to name products. assorted pins that i've collected: 'listen to the children', 'she who laughs lasts', and 'experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.'

but my eyes came to rest on the little orange tag from 'life is good'. it read, 'do what you like. like what you do.' shame on me. i do like what i do. i even love it at times. and yet i'm miserable right now at work. and i'm choosing that. i'm not doing what i like. i'm doing misery. i'm doing resentment. i'm doing victim. well, i'm done.

as long as i like what i'm doing, i'm going to do it. and i'm going to stop doing all of that.

and maybe i'll pin the 'she who laughs lasts' button a little closer to the i-hate-dick magnet, while i'm doing it.

d: do what i like, like what i do. live it.
b: finished that god forsaken beverage project. and it actually looks pretty good.
g: i have a job.