meetiversary

tonight is the australian open men's final starting at the convenient hour of 3:30 am. it would be a match i easily dismissed in favor of sleep if it didn't commemorate a life changing night. last year on this same night in january, at this very hour, amy and i were throwing jackie a birthday party. the party ended with many of us headed to a nearby bar.

we quite nearly didn't go. jackie was liberally intoxicated and definitely beyond the point of caring whether the party continued or ended. many guests had already said their good-byes. and amy and i were looking at each other over the piles of plates, wine glasses, and food and wondering if we should just call it a night so we could clean up properly.

but, there was one in the crowd that was hell bent on the party taking on a new location, so i agreed to be the driver and we all headed to the bar.

on the same night, haley agreed to join a coworker for a drink after work at this same bar. but when she pulled up, there was no parking available. valet full. and she decided 'nevermind.' left the street and started heading home through midtown to decatur.

until she got a text that said, 'i found parking! i'm here! where are you?' damn. she turned around. went back. found a spot. and went in to meet her friend.

and finally, all the near misses and all the shoulder brushings culminated in a single moment. our eyes locked and i knew somehow something big was happening.

i wish i could have captured that moment under a glass globe and let no detail escape me. but, it's been a year and despite the millions of retellings, i know that certain bits are fuzzy already and i ache to relive it.

when i left the bar that night, driving a car full back to jackie's, i felt myself on the verge. i crashed at jackie's house and said to her, before falling asleep, 'i could really see myself falling for that girl..' and she sleepily muttered, 'yeah, i know..'

haley went back to her sister's house to watch the australian open final. she looked me up on facebook and sent me a first, cautious email.

tonight, i'm going to sleep in her arms - er, i mean watch with rapt attention - while federer and murray battle for the title. it's not the date we're calling our anniversary, but a prelude to that: our meetiversary.

or as haley put on the wall calendar in my kitchen: love at first sight-iversary.

d: details crystallized in my memory.
b: i know something big when i see it.
g: celebrating the end of the best year of my life. and the beginning of the next.

chug

since i wrote last night about my drug-free intentions, i have been receiving all sorts of suggestions. the one that i'm most impressed by initially is apple cider vinegar. i had no idea that this wonder drug was hanging out in my pantry all along.

according to the friend who tipped me off - and my subsequent study - a couple teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (ACV for us insiders) in a cup of water daily can lower blood pressure, reduce cholesterol, help control blood sugar, promote weight loss, cure acne, flush toxins, abate allergies and give you an energy boost, much akin to caffeine. and that's an edited list.

surely that can't be true, i first thought. i'm a whole hearted believer in homeopathic medicine, but i still like to understand the science behind it. and sadly i find that many natural remedies rely mainly on the science of the placebo effect. so, i did some due diligence with the help of google. and lo and behold, there's medical research to support most of the claims.

why the hell hadn't i heard of this before?? oh yeah, it's a $4 per bottle natural cure-all, putting no money in the pockets of big pharm. (what was i thinking?)

so, today i stopped at a local health food store and bought a new bottle of organic acv and made a commitment to give it a shot. literally and figuratively.

in my mind, vinegar is either for easter eggs or mopping floors so the idea of swallowing it down on a daily basis turned my stomach a bit. (although, it also is purported to aid digestion in fact.) but tonight, after dinner i took the smallest juice glass i own out of the dishwasher and set it on the counter. i filled it nearly to the top with filtered water. i stirred in half a teaspoon of honey (i'd have done more but the bear was nearly empty.). i shook the cloudy brown liquid filled bottle of vinegar. and i measured two teaspoons into the glass.

when i was a child, at the first sign of a sore throat my mom would send me to the kitchen sink with a glass of warm salt water, to gargle. after my bizarre bout with guillain-barre syndrome i was on a teaspoon a day diet of cod liver oil. and when i had a cough, a tablespoon of honey and lemon juice was the robitussin of choice. so i'm no stranger to repulsive remedies at the kitchen sink.

and all of those moments flashed before my eyes when i carried the murky, smelly glass to the sink. but i told myself that a small glass of water is really only a couple of sips. i'd just chug it back and never even taste it. if it really could help, even a little, with so many different issues it would be worth it.

so i tipped up the glass. put it to my lips. and when i stopped and swallowed about two and a half seconds later, my glass was three quarters empty and my gag reflex hadn't kicked in yet. surprisingly it was milder than i anticipated. i mean, i've had pickles that made me pucker more. so that should tell you something.

mega is enjoying a new addition to her diet as well. flax seed oil in her dry food. it isn't nearly as aromatic as my concoction and isn't quite as yummy as an egg yolk. but she's game to try it, she said.

so, there you have it. i'm replacing my morning decaf with a juice glass of vinegar and mega's morning egg yolk with a spoonful of oil.

breakfast overhaul.

i don't imagine i'll stop with the vinegar. i expect it will take much more to wake me up fully. but i figure breakfast is a good place to start.

d: more answers right under my nose...or in my pantry
b: i'm open to new ideas
g: acv beats cod liver oil by a mile

normal

last week when i learned that i'm a sleepwalker, i discussed medication options with my doc. and now i find myself with a choice. or two. none of which are easy to make.

disclaimer: i tend to try and avoid naming names, particularly brand names, unless i'm speaking favorably; but i don't have the energy to be clever about avoiding them tonight. so, no offense if i call out your favorite drug of choice or insurance company or pharmacy or whatever else crosses my mind in the next half hour.

since my initial appointment to investigate my peculiar sleepiness i've been taking a wakefulness medicine, nuvigil. it's not a stimulant and strangely enough, it's not known exactly how it works to keep you awake, but it does. (hmm.) it's fairly safe they say. taken by doctors and fire fighters and pilots and shift workers. prescribed to help with jet lag. and given to those of us with sleep disorders.

at first it worked great, but after a couple of weeks i was getting sleepy about 6 hours after i took it. conveniently right when i'm typically in the car driving home from work/the gym/picking up luke/etc. so, when i met with the doctor i told him it wasn't quite cutting it and asked his recommendation.

of course, there's a higher dose of nuvigil i can take. i was on a starter dose, i discover. and there's also the precursor to nuvigil, called provigil. this one you take in two doses, so i could take that second pill when and as needed. that sounded interesting to me.

i mentioned to my doc that i will likely be without prescription coverage after april and was wondering about the cost for these medicines. (increasingly relevant as the national health care reform is squashed in washington...) is one less than the other? (if all else is equal, after all.) he said they were both quite expensive and the more affordable route is stimulants. those are available generic, apparently.

anyway, i left there with samples of a higher dose on nuvigil and a prescription for provigil. and the option to pick up a prescription for a stimulant such as adderall or ritalin, if i want to try it.

i don't.

i don't want to take amphetamines, legal or not. prescribed or not. i don't want to struggle with the energy roller coaster that uppers put you on. i don't want to become dependent on a drug with diminishing returns. i don't want to feel good and not know if it's me or the drug. and i don't want to feel bad either. i don't want to take a stimulant.

i called my pharmacy to price the nuvigil and provigil. a month of nuvigil came in at $300. a month of provigil: $999.

yes, you read that right. one thousand dollars. (surely it must have a secret benefit such as preventing cancer or halting the aging process for that price tag.)

hmm, the adderall doesn't sound so bad all of a sudden, especially at twenty bucks. or so i tried to tell myself for a day or two. but no.

it does sound bad. it's the worst.

i don't want to take any medicine actually. i don't want to make any pharmaceutical a part of my daily life. something i 'rely' on to feel normal.

i want my normal to be just me. on days i'm cranky, that's normal. on days i'm hyper, that's normal. on days i'm intense, that's normal. on days i'm sluggish, that's normal. i don't want to question my pills when my body feels different. i want to question my body.

and so, that leaves me with a conundrum, because i want to be awake. i don't want to sleepwalk through any more days.. weeks.. years. i want to be nuvigil-present. and i don't know how i'm going to get there.

i have three months to figure it out awake and if i don't know by then, maybe it will come in a dream.

d: a drug-free solution.
b: i can find a way. i know i can.
g: cobra running out in april, forcing the choice.

cocoon

i hate it when people are mad. even if they aren't mad at me, anger scares me. i guess i'm blessed because i don't often feel that emotion, but i know i'm the exception in that way.

today the ebay vortex has chewed haley and i both up and spit us out. something she ordered almost two weeks ago has yet to arrive. and then tonight we find out it was 'delivered' last saturday, at a time when she was at home. ummm. where was it delivered is the question. and as for me, i had a buyer purchase something from me today, make a payment through paypal, and then the payment simply disappeared into cyber space. ummm.

our hands are tied tonight and while i'm content to set it aside, haley is angry enough for both of us.

i want to make it go away. i want to solve the mystery for her.
i can't.
i want to hide from it.

and maybe that's how i feel about problems i can't solve in my own life too. maybe that's my coping mechanism for emotions bigger than i can handle.

when i was a little girl i remember having little places i went to be alone. i loved the book the secret garden and i created my own secret gardens in trees, under drooping bushes, in the top of my closet. though they were probably anything but hidden to outside eyes, i couldn't see out and so i imagined myself invisible.

as an adult i haven't found a place like that. sometimes i wander through public places in order to feel alone. the anonymity can be very isolating, but it's not the same, as it's a cocoon i crave, not a beehive.

i guess i should be able to create that cocoon within myself, with my own emotional resources, as an adult. i should be able to let someone else's anger, directed elsewhere, exist without causing me fear. i should be able to.

but tonight i sit quietly on the bed, my heart racing with unreasonable anxiety, and i wish i could climb into the top of the closet and disappear.

d: should becoming could
b: for my own ebay fiasco, i remain calm
g: sleep is imminent. escape is imminent.

sleepwalker

so today i went in for my follow up appointment to the infamous sleep study i did in december. i'd already heard the cliff notes version from a nurse on the phone, but this was my first opportunity to speak with the doc.

as we reviewed the findings from the sleep study, i learned something frightening about myself. you may recall that in the four naps i was required to take on command i wasn't even certain i fell asleep. in fact, i think i was only confident i drifted off in one of them. however, when the doctor showed me the results of the test, he said that my brain waves indicated i did indeed sleep in all four naps. and not only did i sleep, but i fell asleep very quickly. (this is where i could elaborate on sleep latency, but i'll spare you.)

so, scientific findings aside, this sent a shiver up my spine. if my brain appears to be sleeping while i am absolutely not, that's a problem. perhaps even more of a problem than inconvenient falling asleep episodes.

not to worry, i'm awake now. well, mostly awake, at least. i'm awake more than i'm not, let's say. but i am looking back on all the fuzzy holes in have in my memory and wondering if i was sleepwalking through those periods in my life. if so, perhaps that sheds light on why i barely remember so much of it.

i asked the doctor, 'why?' why am i not more awake during the day? i get plenty of sleep. and my sleep is highly efficient, in fact. he says i have 99% sleep efficiency at night. higher than normal, even. all my metabolic and hormone tests came back perfect. so what gives? his answer to my question was something about not having enough hypocretin being produced in my brain.

and then i asked, 'why not?' and he said they don't know yet. there's a genetic component, they believe, for some people. these people may be born with fewer hypocretin producing cell factories, so to speak. then, they suspect other people lose those factories at some point in their life, perhaps due to a virus. or an act of god. or an alien abduction. in other words, they don't know yet.

this brings to mind the ever popular chicken and egg debate. was i sleeping to forget or forgetting while i was sleeping? and by sleeping i mean sleepwalking, of course. and by sleepwalking, i mean appearing to be awake, but actually not fully present.

i'd like to blame an inherited gene or a rare virus, (after all, i did have guillain-barre as a child and that's pretty rare), instead of settling for the mystery of the unknown cause; but the truth is, i'll probably never know.

d: awake to remember these amazing days.
b: my sleep efficiency is off the chart.
g: no known cause. because the alternative could be worse.

volume

so, at present i'm a member of three different gyms with countless locations combined. which means that not only do i have one available on nearly every corner of the city, but that i get the opportunity to experience quite a range of equipment and amenities at each.

there was a time when i thought this was the last thing i'd ever want to do. i had my gym, my home base so to speak, and i knew where everything was and how to use it. i knew the trainers, group instructors, day care workers, front desk personnel, and many of the regulars. but now i actually love the variety and ability to truly pick and choose how i want to work out. ansley is better for arms. atlantic station is better for chest. snellville is best for cardio. and so on.

at the end of this month, i'll be letting go of my home gym. it's the only membership that gives me only one gym to visit and the only things i go there for any more are the donkey calf machine and a spin class, when i can fit it in. i thought i'd be sad to let that go, but honestly i haven't been. i haven't thought about it at all.

until today that is.

ever since i joined the largest of the three gym chains, i've been boggled by the tvs they have in their 'cardio studio'. the equipment in these gyms for the most part is modern and well maintained. and everywhere you look there are attempts to be contemporary, from sky lights to bright accent colors to hand sanitizer stations conveniently placed. so, imagine my surprise when i first stepped up onto a stair mill and looked pleadingly at the television for a distraction from the pain only to notice a small sign that said, "87.9 FM". and on the tv next to it, "87.7 FM". and so on, down the line.

i looked up and down the rows and scanned the other sweaty cardio queens, checking their heads and eyes. yes, they all had headphones. and ten out of ten had them plugged into their ipods, or equivalent mp3 players.

i scratched my head in confusion. oh well, at least there will be closed captioning when the commercials end i assumed. um no. they only had it turned on on one of the twelve tvs, and it was so far away i couldn't make out the picture, let alone the words.

still puzzled i looked down at my iphone, doubling as an ipod. then i had an idea. i know the commercials after all! "there's an app for that!"

but no. there's not. there's not an app that will let you tune into a local radio station. personally, i think this gym chain should wake up from the dark ages and launch one that would at least let you tune into their tvs. but, who asked me.

so, for the past six months or more i've resigned myself to my playlists and pandora and making crude and flirtatious gestures at haley across the gym . but then over the weekend, i remembered a sony sports walkman i'd purchased a few years ago to use for running. i'd wanted to listen to a morning radio show and bought it exclusively for that.

i searched and found it hidden in the back of a kitchen cabinet, replaced the batteries and stowed it in my gym bag. today i pulled up to my gym right when oprah was kicking off and excitedly toted my radio walkman to the cardio suite. i tuned in to 87.9 and looked up at the screen with expectation. i haven't watched oprah in years!

she was talking to adam lambert, of american idol. or so it appeared. i could hear the conversation faintly, under the boom of the football announcer on the ESPN station being broadcast on 87.7 and in between the commentary of the CNN desk reporter being broadcast on 88.1.

umm.

some gyms have individual tv screens in each piece of equipment. but these gyms have televisions that remind me of the silent pictures i studied in my college film class. or the fm radio i had as a child on which i'd ever so carefully set the antenna and dial, praying to only pick up one station.

at that moment, i really and truly missed my home gym. it's a privately owned gym. though part of a larger organization, it's a franchise run location and the owners are actually fitness freaks; less concerned with the right color scheme and the coolest $6 smoothie, and more concerned with equipment that makes sense.

i'm still cancelling my membership. and i'm drafting a letter to the people who care regarding the cardio suite that was apparently lifted out of the 90's.

d: turn the volume up! it's meant to be a distraction, after all.
b: i'm putting in many, many hours of cardio a week. the way i used to. the way i love.
g: a gym on every corner. what else would i do with my time?

haven

a couple of nights ago i presented my laundry room to haley much the same way a chef might lift the silver dome off of a marvelous culinary creation. was it repainted? reorganized? sparkling clean? no. but the floor was entirely visible. the room serves as a pass through to the garage, two doors open into it, and for months - literally since my car was flooded - there's been an enormous bag of found treasure from the car laying in the floor. i do mean enormous. stepping over it was a challenge. opening the door into the garage was even harder. and yet, it's been there since oh.. october maybe?

haley said, 'your cleaning style is in-teresting...either we'll be a disaster together or great.'

i do tend to focus my cleaning energy on a small part of the whole and once that chosen bit is satisfactory, everything else is forgotten.

and so goes the de-christmassing. i have officially de-christmassed the upstairs now. the tree is out of my room. the wrapping paper stowed. needles vacuumed up. and just this morning, i vacuumed myself downstairs. (no small task with a kirby. that thing weighs at least 50 pounds. no joke.)

now the mess is confined to the lower level and in theory closer to the door. in theory. (this theory has failed me in the garage, but hope springs eternal.)

what it does give me though is a haven. a haven in my bedroom. a space where everything is put right in place and i'm surrounded by my favorite things. i lined up my shoes tonight and i gave my sock monkey a new pose. i moved the picture by my bed a little closer and put on my fuzzy robe. then i closed my double doors, piled my pillows up and climbed on my bed, mega in place under my arm. though i still wish the walls were painted, i do love my room.

tonight i crave a haven. a safe place. filled with love and understanding.
free of mess.
and here i am.

d: haley here to share it with me.
b: the house is over 50% clean.
g: a life that creates messes.

abundance

tonight luke asked me, 'mommy, how can i make $100 fast?' to which i replied, 'i wish i knew.' what he means of course is 'what can i do that you'll give me $100 for?' i suppose from his point of view that's 'earning' money, but from mine the value equation is a bit off if i could do it myself for free.

everything is relative, eh?

i lost a day yesterday to stress about money. i don't let that happen often. i usually am able to just trust that it will all come out in the wash.. one way or the other, i try not to give money too much power. perhaps now more than ever, when my cash flow is basically at the whim of an accounting person with other more interesting things to do than approve my invoices, i find myself forced to practice extreme trust in the flow. extreme trust. but then sometimes i fail miserably.

after wasting yesterday's emotional energy in a spiral of lack, i said aloud in the car to haley, 'i need to feel abundance.'

and then today, i did.

it started with a visit to a second potential orthodontist for todd. this one was not only more professional, has a better facility (including an office conveniently in midtown for my future in-town home), and more experienced and surprisingly more progressive too; but also was less expensive with better payment arrangements. while i'm still looking at a nearly 5k investment, the ten percent savings definitely goes in the abundance column.

after the orthodontic consultation, we stopped for gas on the way to school. he begged for a lottery ticket so i picked up a scratch off with my mega millions ticket. i've been sort of apathetic about the lottery lately. haven't bought many tickets, haven't been keeping up, and haven't even enjoyed my typical weekly $1 scratch offs. but today i acquiesced and bought one on todd's whim. and we won three dollars. hardly a jackpot, but every dollar adds up. and that was another couple in the abundance column.

and then, at the office, i logged into my checking account and to my utter amazement noted that all of my outstanding invoices had been paid. yes, it was money due to me. but there's been only one other brief moment in the past six months in which all of my invoices were paid in full. i mean, i've actually gotten accustomed to having one lag and i don't complain. but when there are three or four, it becomes quite painful.

tonight when i tucked luke into bed he said, 'mommy, do you see anything in here that's worth lots of money?' (ie to sell) and i said, 'no sweetie, not really. but there are lots of things you could sell for small amounts...they do add up, you know.'

d: an abundance column overflowing with small numbers.
b: my manifesting power rescued me from my spiral.
g: teachable moments teaching the teacher.

off

i love the holidays. i do. the months leading up to them just build with anticipation and preparation. then i have vacation and i see my family. it's the holiday the boys love the most (of course) and then i have a break from them too. this year, i spent ten days with the love of my life with little to no responsibility laying claim to our time. all in all, the holiday season was perfect.

but then, january.

and i find everything to be off.

yesterday i spent a day at home, working and taking care of things that needed to be done in order that i could spend the evening doing something todd had requested. and all day i was wishing i was with haley. doing the things we do when we spend days together. doing my usual things, with her.

then today, the boys were home for a snow day and i left them for a while, with a movie, while i met haley and went to the gym. and, though it was my idea to meet her and do that, i felt the whole time like i should have been with the boys.

i'm always in near daily touch with my mom, but over the past couple of days i've felt that familiar yearning to live nearer to her and be able to cozy up in her kitchen or just drop in to her office and have lunch. and wishing i could have my christmas visit back. it was over too fast.

i just want to gather everyone i love close to me, wrap them under my wings, and nest. instead, we're all back to our everyday lives and i can't seem to get enough of anyone.

off. i'm just off.

d: the rhythm of my life back.
b: i had the best christmas ever. ever.
g: i have so many people and places so, so precious to me.

resolute

-photo by renee lewis

well, here i am nearly a week into a new year and just now realizing i haven't written or even had a moment fully to myself since some time weeks ago. but that's ok. i'm not a big new year's resolution kind of person and often i meet a new year with the feeling it's already begun months ago (probably due to the nature of my work where i'm constantly focused on events far in the future).

but today when i realized we're only a week into 2010, i felt a huge sense of accomplishment. though the christmas trees are still up, both boys have new bedrooms. haley and i worked, or rather slaved, in their rooms for nearly three days at the end of our holiday vacation. you'd think we painted intricate murals or laid mosaic tile floors in all that time, but rather we simply removed wallpaper murals and borders and repainted.

though i should have learned my lesson earlier in life, after many horrendous wallpaper removal projects, i somehow lost my way when the boys were young, fell in love with some pirates and a canopy, and forgot what hell it would be to change down the road. this time the lesson has been concretely sealed in the vault of my memory.

paint, linens and a general purging of all things garbage or out-grown has turned both rooms into amazing spaces. i find myself wanting to be in their rooms more than my own. and in fact, while i was scraping threads of paper off todd's wall with my fingernails, i realized that while this is the second time they've each had a wholesale bedroom overhaul since we built this house, my room is the only one that's still sporting the builder's off-white on the walls. even the 'formal dining room' in which there's no table or chairs and is used simply as a holding tank for future goodwill donations has been painted.

now, i'm not about to launch into a maternal martyr monologue because i generally do take good care of myself. i buy myself things when i want or need them. i put myself first every day with my commitment to the gym. i take adult time with haley and i do place value on my own needs and desires in our family schedule.

so, i'm going to paint my bedroom this year. there you have it: a new year's resolution. and since that's a "once and done" type resolution, i'll go ahead and share the others i've thrown out there. i'm going to drink water between every set, while i'm working out. (because i really just forget to drink when i'm lifting.) and i'm going to return tools to the tool box after using them. (because i often just stow them in a cabinet or drawer and when i need them next, well...home depot is only two minutes away. however i must add, this does result in a well stocked tool box when i actually collect them all - i have at least a dozen screw drivers in the same size; two stud finders; a couple sets of allen wrenches; etc, etc.)

i'm excited about this year. todd said he felt like we were getting a 'fresh start' with the new paint and i do too.

d: de-christmasing, coming soon to my home
b: the boys' rooms look awesome!
g: an opportunity to write, utilized.