i can't tell you how many times i've heard women's bodies described by terms like 'swimmer's body', 'gymnast's body', 'runner's body', etc. each conjuring a fairly distinct image with certain characteristics, none of which fit me.
the ideal i've always longed for though, as long as i can remember was the body of a dancer. a ballerina, to be exact. long thin lines. graceful and strong. light on my feet and perfectly poised. those of you who know me are undoubtedly laughing your ass off. coincidentally the very activity that would benefit me the most, because my body is much more suited to booty-shaking than toe-pointing.
no, my body doesn't fit a fitness stereotype. i know, i know, most people's don't. but it doesn't match up with my own fitness ideal either. and tonight i'm struggling with where to take that knowledge. either i can accept that fact and change my ideal or i can (continue to) set my sights on an ideal that seems woefully out of reach. perhaps it sounds as though i think one is clearly the 'right answer', but actually no.
i'm stumped.
i don't give up easily and i don't let go of a fantasy without a fight, so holding onto the dream of a slim, lithe dancer's physique despite a lifetime to the contrary..well, why stop now?
tonight i went to ballet class. my first in three decades. i can't say that the full wall of mirrors helped me with my internal dialogue, but something about the simplicity and beauty of the routines was mildly distracting.
and so, i cling.
d: deal with the ideal already
b: strong calves, proven
g: distracted by dance
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
pride
i've had moments of pride for my children over the years. some big, some small. some for the expected things like good grades and acts of kindness. and some for perhaps inappropriate things, which i'll leave unmentioned. but nothing can compare to what i felt thursday night at todd's camp concert.
i know this won't translate unless you've experienced it yourself, but i felt my heart in my throat for him as his solo approached and i thought my heart would visibly overflow for all the pride and love after he completed it. the rest of the show went off without a hitch and he said he looked up once and was blinded by my enormous toothy smile. i just couldn't get it off my face.
i realized in that moment that i never gave my parents that feeling and i couldn't decipher whose loss was greater for that. i never participated in a team sport or a performance art. even report cards were generally a non-event or afterthought, as my grades were so consistent.
todd didn't have a great first year in band. his teacher wasn't very attentive to the percussion students and gave them little instruction, much of which wasn't right anyway. todd looked forward to his lessons with haley and then dreaded class with mr. bader. (yes, the teacher's name was Mr. Bader. don't even go there.) so when i signed him up for band camp, i had a sense it was a make-it or break-it event in his infant music career. especially since he'd expressed some hesitancy over the summer about signing up for band at his new school.
he called thursday as we were walking out the door to his concert. he wanted to tell me to leave as soon as possible because his band was performing first and he had a solo in the first song. (plus it's a two hour drive.) i reassured him we were on our way. and then he launched into a flurry of discourse about how much fun he's had, ending it all with '..and i'm coming back next year!' (and later he clarified, 'and the next year and the next year.')
the fire's been lit.
i'm relieved.
and oh so proud.
d: that his pride in himself match mine for him
b: he didn't miss a beat
g: the opportunity to be his mother
i know this won't translate unless you've experienced it yourself, but i felt my heart in my throat for him as his solo approached and i thought my heart would visibly overflow for all the pride and love after he completed it. the rest of the show went off without a hitch and he said he looked up once and was blinded by my enormous toothy smile. i just couldn't get it off my face.
i realized in that moment that i never gave my parents that feeling and i couldn't decipher whose loss was greater for that. i never participated in a team sport or a performance art. even report cards were generally a non-event or afterthought, as my grades were so consistent.
todd didn't have a great first year in band. his teacher wasn't very attentive to the percussion students and gave them little instruction, much of which wasn't right anyway. todd looked forward to his lessons with haley and then dreaded class with mr. bader. (yes, the teacher's name was Mr. Bader. don't even go there.) so when i signed him up for band camp, i had a sense it was a make-it or break-it event in his infant music career. especially since he'd expressed some hesitancy over the summer about signing up for band at his new school.
he called thursday as we were walking out the door to his concert. he wanted to tell me to leave as soon as possible because his band was performing first and he had a solo in the first song. (plus it's a two hour drive.) i reassured him we were on our way. and then he launched into a flurry of discourse about how much fun he's had, ending it all with '..and i'm coming back next year!' (and later he clarified, 'and the next year and the next year.')
the fire's been lit.
i'm relieved.
and oh so proud.
d: that his pride in himself match mine for him
b: he didn't miss a beat
g: the opportunity to be his mother
center
today haley asked me if i miss my old house and without hesitation i replied, 'no.' then i felt a quick pang of guilt and sadness, as if i should feel differently. but when i walk around that large, empty house and remember how easily we all fit there i don't feel any longing. i simply feel grateful that it was mine for a spell and now it's not.
and when i walk through the door to our new house on yorkshire, i also feel grateful. i feel grateful that this precious little house is ours. that it's quite quickly transforming into a home that i feel comfortable and represented in. that it's absolutely large enough for all of us to spend time, both together and separately. and even, paradoxically, that it's not mine. as in, i don't own it. so if the pipes burst or the hot water heater gives out - it's only an inconvenience, rather than a costly chore.
but without a doubt the part that is overwhelmingly perfect about our new home is the location. and i don't mean the fact that i have a publix, kroger, trader joe's and whole foods all within five minutes. (though that's a treat, i have to admit.) and i don't mean the fact that i'm perfectly central to everything i spend my time doing and much of it i can get to on foot. (and of course bike! when i'm haley-cleared to do so.)
rather..since the move, i no longer feel as though i live in two places. i no longer feel transient or caught in between. i no longer feel that i can never be where i need to be - enough. instead, i feel absolutely perfectly central. and centered.
and in the very natural way that everything has happened between haley and i over the past year and a half, she's found herself quite centered too. here. i marvel at how we spent as many days and nights together as we did living 40 minutes apart, it truly is testimony to our passionate commitment. but i'll take that testimony in other ways now, thank you very much, because the ease with which we've merged into the yorkie house has been absolutely blissful.
she's still got her house, of course. she owns it and has no plans to change that any time soon. but every day we settle in more and more, and every day the yorkie house becomes more our home than mine.
and for that, i am grateful.
d: more centering, more nesting, more rugs
b: in just the right timing, we found our center
g: home, where the heart is, centered.
and when i walk through the door to our new house on yorkshire, i also feel grateful. i feel grateful that this precious little house is ours. that it's quite quickly transforming into a home that i feel comfortable and represented in. that it's absolutely large enough for all of us to spend time, both together and separately. and even, paradoxically, that it's not mine. as in, i don't own it. so if the pipes burst or the hot water heater gives out - it's only an inconvenience, rather than a costly chore.
but without a doubt the part that is overwhelmingly perfect about our new home is the location. and i don't mean the fact that i have a publix, kroger, trader joe's and whole foods all within five minutes. (though that's a treat, i have to admit.) and i don't mean the fact that i'm perfectly central to everything i spend my time doing and much of it i can get to on foot. (and of course bike! when i'm haley-cleared to do so.)
rather..since the move, i no longer feel as though i live in two places. i no longer feel transient or caught in between. i no longer feel that i can never be where i need to be - enough. instead, i feel absolutely perfectly central. and centered.
and in the very natural way that everything has happened between haley and i over the past year and a half, she's found herself quite centered too. here. i marvel at how we spent as many days and nights together as we did living 40 minutes apart, it truly is testimony to our passionate commitment. but i'll take that testimony in other ways now, thank you very much, because the ease with which we've merged into the yorkie house has been absolutely blissful.
she's still got her house, of course. she owns it and has no plans to change that any time soon. but every day we settle in more and more, and every day the yorkie house becomes more our home than mine.
and for that, i am grateful.
d: more centering, more nesting, more rugs
b: in just the right timing, we found our center
g: home, where the heart is, centered.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
passion
i thought that i was quite obsessive until i met haley. and then i thought i'd met my match. but truth be told, the most obsessive, single-minded, and driven (occasionally to madness) person i've ever known is luke. he always has been but the intensity with which he attaches to a pursuit has only increased with his maturity. since the month of world cup continuous (to the chagrin of the wimbledon fans, ahem) coverage, luke's latest obsession is soccer. not only is he planning his own career as a world famous soccer player, but he's also booking our tickets to brazil for 2014 and shopping for a new wardrobe.
as haley once told me, 'either i'm obsessed, or it's dead to me.' i agreed and related when she said that and so, once again, i know this is an example of children learning what they live. my wish for him has been that he could channel the fervor into a sport or art or talent. (rather than an all-consuming quest for the perfect high-end collectible statue of batman or terminator or prince of persia or..)
and so as i sit and watch him teach a similarly belted adult at taekwondo, demonstrating strength and leadership and a commitment to technique, i am optimistic. perhaps the kick is the thing. people, soccer balls, his brother? whatever, i'll take it.
speaking of his brother, i'll be lucky to get him home from band camp. as expected, he's having the time of his life, even singing the praises of the cafeteria food, 'especially the dessert!'
d: luke's passion channeled
b: to passion, i can relate
g: passion over apathy
Monday, July 12, 2010
bird-th
all moved in. a week and a few days now. finally we have internet and tv and hot water and a porch swing. all the essentials. and we're down to only a few boxes. literally. like 4. todd said there were 41 and a half (not sure what the half was) the day before the move. we packed another after that and i assume we finished the half off, putting us at 43. meaning i've unpacked (or otherwise stowed) 39 boxes in a week. pretty solid effort, if i do say so myself.
nested.
it's been five weeks since my broken arm and as my workouts have dwindled to merely cardio i'm curious about where i'll find myself strength-wise when i can finally get back in the gym properly. in the shower tonight i mused, 'can i still do a push-up?' so after i toweled off, and checked the door to make sure haley wasn't coming through (she would most certainly not approve), i dropped to the wet bathmat to give it a go. first attempt there was a strange clicking and i cut the movement short. but, i'm hard-headed if nothing else, and i gave it a second try. admittedly my nose didn't touch the floor and i didn't lock out my elbows (not that i could if i wanted to), but i'll be damned if i can't still do push-ups.
winged.
today i took todd to milledgeville for a week of band camp. though he's been leaving me every other weekend for over ten years now and away for multiple weeks every summer, it's the first time he's gone to camp. the camp is at a college and i have no fears for his safety or independence (despite milledgeville being home to the state's largest insane asylum), but since i drove away this afternoon i've found myself absolutely obsessed with curiosity about what he's doing at every minute. i have every confidence he's having a blast, but if i could be a fly on the wall, i'd happily risk the flypaper for the opportunity. despite the distance i feel closer to him than i have in years.
flight.
d: a breeze to ride on
b: wings to soar on
g: lift from my flock
nested.
it's been five weeks since my broken arm and as my workouts have dwindled to merely cardio i'm curious about where i'll find myself strength-wise when i can finally get back in the gym properly. in the shower tonight i mused, 'can i still do a push-up?' so after i toweled off, and checked the door to make sure haley wasn't coming through (she would most certainly not approve), i dropped to the wet bathmat to give it a go. first attempt there was a strange clicking and i cut the movement short. but, i'm hard-headed if nothing else, and i gave it a second try. admittedly my nose didn't touch the floor and i didn't lock out my elbows (not that i could if i wanted to), but i'll be damned if i can't still do push-ups.
winged.
today i took todd to milledgeville for a week of band camp. though he's been leaving me every other weekend for over ten years now and away for multiple weeks every summer, it's the first time he's gone to camp. the camp is at a college and i have no fears for his safety or independence (despite milledgeville being home to the state's largest insane asylum), but since i drove away this afternoon i've found myself absolutely obsessed with curiosity about what he's doing at every minute. i have every confidence he's having a blast, but if i could be a fly on the wall, i'd happily risk the flypaper for the opportunity. despite the distance i feel closer to him than i have in years.
flight.
d: a breeze to ride on
b: wings to soar on
g: lift from my flock
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