cookie

-photo by renee lewis

there's something about baking..not that i do it much, but i do love the process and result. of course, the best part is the aroma when something delicious is in the oven.

watching todd turn into a teenager reminds me of baking. i've been so, so impatient for him to get there. to see how he turns out. to watch him rise through those pivotal years into a young man. but now that it's upon me i can only wish i'd savored the process more because all too quickly it's passing in front of my eyes and soon, like a batch of fresh cookies, he'll be gone. already he's gone a lot more..

i'm in luck though; because although he isn't as pliable and doesn't smell as good as he used to, i still have the sweet, sweet morsels and a little more to sink my teeth into.

d: patience with the process
b: never mind my inexperience, i make a damn good cookie
g: the crumbs i get are just as delicious as they ever were

winner

last week i had two training clients make quite opposite but both powerful insights about themselves. one woman told me that she needed to be pushed because she doesn't believe she can push herself beyond "hard". fairly common refrain in personal training. even other trainers have told me they regularly hire trainers themselves to get that extra push beyond the comfort zone. i firmly believe we are predominantly limited by our minds..our bodies have much more capacity than we give them credit for.

the other woman though said something i have never heard from another client and regrettably don't often experience myself. she said, "I hear what you're asking me to do, and I think 'no problem', envisioning myself doing it with ease. But then, I try and my body just isn't cooperative." i reassured her that her body would catch up quickly but as we worked through the next set, my mind really went to work on that idea. it truly is the mind of an athlete. one who believes they have ability beyond what they see. this woman may voice embarrassment about her current fitness level, but the picture she has of her body's capability carries much more weight.

without a doubt she will be successful.
without a doubt she will master the challenge she faces.
without a doubt, because her mind's eye already has envisioned that reality for her.

this weekend we spent hours on the sidelines of luke's soccer tournament. of course i love watching him play, but the young female athletes always impress me too. part of it is no doubt a longing for something I missed as a kid, but setting that aside, i simply enjoy these young women and their energy. their feminine sides merged with this primitive, masculine drive to compete and win.

a little girl, about luke's age, was taking a pit stop with her parents beside me and I overheard..
"You make a good argument.."
"I know. That's why I'm going to be an attorney...not that it's my dream but I'm still going to," she replied to her dad, matter of fact.
...a few minutes pass...
as if remembering, or suddenly catching up with the dialogue, her father says, "What's your dream?"
"Fashion design."
no comment...another few minutes pass.
"I'll see you later."
"Bye honey. Don't wear yourself out before the game.."

bye honey. no time for dreaming.
bye honey. back to business now.
bye honey. win.

admittedly it was a snippet overheard. i have no idea the real nature of their relationship. i have no idea if the pre-teen aspiring fashion designer has a different dream every day. but never mind all that because this conversation happens all the time with children and parents and adults and supervisors and students and teachers with the same moral.

do what you know. play it safe. far fetched ideas about ourselves are for children.

i reject that notion. i believe far fetched ideas about ourselves..our potential.. our dreams: they are for athletes. and i, for one, am an athlete.

d: big dreams come true
b: i am an athlete
g: athletes are winners

thawing

for the past three days i've been itching to write. i've opened my computer at night and considered putting my disconnected and jumbled thoughts and feelings to words. and then, because my fingers wouldn't move, i didn't.

and i don't mean 'wouldn't move' in the figurative writer's block way. i mean, 'wouldn't move' as in stiff as little twigs and unable to bend. or maybe a better visual would be popsicles.

last weekend we enjoyed the last of the fall weather i suppose. it was glorious for halloween. i was able to build a fire and wear a short skirt on sunday night and neither felt out of place or uncomfortable. the skies were clear and warm during the day and mildly cool in the evening. but monday morning, we woke to a rainy winter.

i quickly got on the phone with the natural gas company because the forecast showed temperatures dropping into the 30's with freeze warnings for the latter part of the week. [side note: our 'new' old house uses gas only for the furnace, so no need to turn it on until..umm... now.] of course, i couldn't get an appointment for another five days, so for the past three we've frozen.

i've found myself on a couple separate occasions sitting in the drive way or a sunny parking lot in my car. reading. napping. eating. just being warm. and i've vowed every which way from sunday that next year i'll turn the damn gas on in august, just to be safe. because nothing makes a house feel less like a home than a temperature that makes you want to torch it.

with all that in mind, i have much to say. i've just finished a tremendous book. a tremendously dog-eared book now. i cried and laughed and cried my way from cover to cover and then felt a bit depressed that it was over. i will write about it. i've seen a movie that i'm still marinating in. and i watched a new tv show that's on my mind as well. did you hear that portia de rossi has a new book out about her struggle with eating disorder? the interview i heard with her moved me to tears in the car. the book is ordered.

i have much to write about. but tonight is the first weekend haley and i have had alone in a month and she's on her way home. so it will have to wait another day. our now warm house is about to get hot...

d: candles on. phones off.
b: my homework and my housework are done. (the dryer makes an excellent space heater in a bind - make note.)
g: heat.

dis-comforted

they say there's comfort in numbers. they say that misery loves company.

today is election day. today is foreclosure day. one has a silver lining and the other doesn't seem to. (yet)

i've been at the old house several times over the past few weeks. thinking each time that i'm done and then discovering another nook of memories unsorted and uncollected. the scent of the house was the most poignant and debilitating when i first returned. though empty and unoccupied, it still smelled of us. i lived there longer than any other house in my life and every part of it was chosen by me, from the dirt it was built on to the roof line and everything in between. for a person whose childhood homes outnumbered her years and her control, it was my first sanction of stability and independence.

and yet that stability slipped out from under my feet like quicksand. and my sanctuary turned albatross. and today, foreclosure day, when i finally have the utilities turned off and have relinquished ownership of 3910 embassy way i'm choosing gratitude over guilt and hope over shame. because the stability and security i imagined bound to an address has put down deeper roots and bolstered my spirit in a home i only lay the faintest claim to.

and i take comfort in numbers. one in ninety-eight households in atlanta are involved in a foreclosure. that's the latest data, just released a few days ago. as a city we should be feeling very comforted, very comfortable indeed.

as an american citizen on election night though, i'm feeling very uncomfortable this evening. i turned off the play-by-play coverage instead electing to take my medicine in one disgusting swallow tomorrow morning.

and in a city where the three metro-est congressional districts, and the ones surrounding and encompassing my entire life, are represented by democrats i take little comfort in the adage: misery loves company; for the misery outweighs their company tonight.

d: a miraculous final tally
b: discovery that stability and security are not defined by brick and plaster, but rather the love within
g: closure by way of foreclosure