insomnolepsy

well, i completed my nap test in record time. four naps rather than the standard five. so either i blew them away with my capacity for sleep or i demonstrated a wakefulness that i don't normally possess. and strangely enough, i have no idea which was the case.

after spending a night connected to a dozen electrodes placed across my face, chest, legs and scalp, with wires coming out of my hair like medusa and two sets of tubes plugging my runny nose, i woke at 5:30 am, minutes before the tech issued my wake-up call. all night i was plagued by dreams of being woken up or conversely of sleeping through planned events. yet, neither happened.

the nap test is a curious animal though. after the overnight test, i was instructed that i'd have to take naps at 7, 9, 11, 1 and 3. in between the naps i was tasked with staying awake, but sedentary. in a recliner. no exercise. no sunlight. no meaningful stimulation of any type. frankly, the perfect conditions for a nap.

i put up a valiant effort to hold my eyes open until designated nap times and then when put into a dark room, in a bed, i experienced my first bouts of insomnia. ever. of course, the nature of narcolepsy is that you fall asleep at inappropriate times. so maybe it shouldn't be that surprising. when i was commanded to 'sleep!' my brain went into overdrive.

once in the bed, you have to perform a series of activities so they can get a baseline brain wave reading before you sleep. it's very soothing, really. blinking, grinding your teeth, moving your eyes in all different directions. doesn't everyone go through these exercises before they doze off?

'you may now take your nap,' the pleasant female voice says over the intercom after i completed the regimen of eye and facial contortions.

'what if i don't sleep enough on this test?' 'what if it takes me too long to fall asleep?' 'what are my brain waves doing now?' 'did i look left when she said to?' 'was i moving my legs when she said be still? is that going to mess up the results?' 'oh nooooo, my time is running out...'

and then, even while those thoughts were racing through my head, alongside a mental marquee scrolling my christmas shopping list, i would drift off. but where i drifted, i couldn't tell you. was it sleep? was it twilight sleep? was it a trance? i definitely don't recall any deep sleep, though i did dream of opening a cabinet and finding a three layer chocolate cake, and sadly that didn't really happen.

after 20 minutes the voice comes over the intercom, 'this nap opportunity has ended. i'll be right in to help you.' ie. disconnect you from the electronic tether to the bed. to add insult to injury, the tech then asks you if you slept. and if so, for how long and did you dream and how long till you fell asleep.

umm, isn't that what all the damn wires are for?
'why don't you tell me?' i wanted to reply.
she recorded my answers but i knew internally she's thinking, 'this idiot. she doesn't even know when she's asleep.'
i'm sure the sole purpose of that questionnaire is for comic relief in the 'control room'. (yes, they really called it that.)

when i told todd about the test the next day, he said, 'mommy, how can they see what normal sleep is like for you when that's not normal at all?'

out of the mouths of babes.

the tech, however, assured me that this test has been in use since the 1940's (though when i researched myself i found it was invented in 1977) and was developed by a pair of renowned stanford sleep scientitsts (this part was correct). it's considered 'the' test for narcolepsy, so there you have it.

of course, i have no results yet. the doctor is on vacation and until he's back in town i'm left to wonder and wait. i figure if the results are negative for narcolepsy, i've at least figured out how to keep myself awake. i'll just need a bed and a dark room nearby at all times.

d: insomnia by day, narcolepsy by night.
b: i dream asleep and awake, and at all stages in between.
g: i was spared the 5th nap, emancipated by haley, and took an unplanned detour to yoforia instead.