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a week between blogs is perhaps reaching a new low in frequency. and tonight i come to my computer with more things to write about than i've had in weeks.. and yet unsure of the words to put around my thoughts and feelings.

so perhaps i'll use a format with which i'm familiar...

d: i desire a holiday as beautiful as the 10-foot, freshly (finally) decorated christmas tree before me. a christmas tree, i might add, that i got for the bargain price of $80 fresh from the grower over the weekend, while visiting my dad in north carolina. note to self: must make that a holiday tradition. economical. environmental. and a bit more festive.

i'm in a peculiar predicament this holiday as my first one without 'vacation time'. as a contractor, i only bill the hours i work and regardless of my intent, there won't be much going on over the holiday to occupy me. it's an inconvenient time to lose income; so i've been working all day, every day this week and extra hours last as well. haley is also off unpaid over the holidays. i imagine we'll be eating at home and playing scrabble for the week between christmas and new years. (accepting all meal and free entertainment invitations.)

b: i won a battle with my body by declaring a truce. i know i've mentioned before the virulent relationship i've had with my hormones. it drove me to a 'renowned' endocrinologist for a blood workup that proved i'm perfectly healthy, save my sudden sleepiness. and then it drove me to look deeper.

as a long time believer in the mind-body connection, i don't know why i'd stubbornly put this in the category of 'it's my body, it's my body, it's my body. it has to be.' but after i heard the $1000 diagnosis of healthy, i had to pause and admit maybe it wasn't.

i don't have any scientific reports on this, but i suspect hormones may in fact be one of the things in our bodies most directly impacted by our minds. so, i set to work fixing what i knew to be sick thinking. i wrote a list of affirmations and intentions around my healthy, whole body. and i've been reading them every day, morning and night. i also made a couple of tweaks to my diet. more calcium. more magnesium. decaf coffee.

and wouldn't you know, this month my period appeared with so little emotional fanfare, the people closest to me couldn't believe it. incidentally, right on time. which is another thing i've been telling myself. that my cycles are irregular. but when i look at a year overall, they are remarkably regular. a couple exceptions, but for good reason, i trust.

and that's the main thing. i realized i wasn't trusting my body. i've had lots of lingering doubt and distrust. fear. and though i love my body and treat it well on the one hand; on the other i sabotage it with criticism and negative thoughts. then ridiculously i'm confused by the results; which are also confused.

so i declared a truce. in fact, more than a truce. i'm adding trust to the love and seeing real results.

g: haley is a reader, a prolific one, and has brought tremendous books to my life. recently she came over with a book of short passages on money and quietly left it on my bedstand. it is a hard back book and had no dust jacket, just a beige cloth cover. she placed it under the other books i'm reading currently and muttered, 'thought this may be something we could both take a look at.'

i didn't so much as pick it up for at least a week or two. in fact, i still haven't, to be technical. but the other night haley was reading it and i was reading over her shoulder. she was just flipping through the short sections and nibbling at the contents and paused on a section called 'cash.'

she's a person that uses cash almost exclusively and i'm a person that uses plastic almost exclusively. reconciling my quicken with the hundreds of check card purchases is an activity that fills me with dread several times a week. the book suggested going cash for a month. if money is energy, and i believe it is, touching the energy and making contact with it has to raise you to its frequency. thereby attracting more of it.

and if not, then at the very least, there's the lovely smell of cash. i can assure you that plastic has no such smell and frequently my frequency drops when i swipe my card and enter my pin. so, in an effort to increase all cash flow this month - and all months - i'm giving it a go. so far, i'm impressed.

of course there's the added awareness due to the 'new' factor, but there's also a greater reluctance to part with cold, hard cash. (believe me - that's a good thing for me.) then there's also a little something else. something i didn't expect or even read of in the book. there's a little bit of pride in purchasing something with cash. it feels like a real energy exchange between me and the person on the other side of the counter. another good thing.

it feels good to lay here and write tonight. it feels right.

d: more writing time.
b: i'm a writer.
g: i have plenty of time.