cocoon

i hate it when people are mad. even if they aren't mad at me, anger scares me. i guess i'm blessed because i don't often feel that emotion, but i know i'm the exception in that way.

today the ebay vortex has chewed haley and i both up and spit us out. something she ordered almost two weeks ago has yet to arrive. and then tonight we find out it was 'delivered' last saturday, at a time when she was at home. ummm. where was it delivered is the question. and as for me, i had a buyer purchase something from me today, make a payment through paypal, and then the payment simply disappeared into cyber space. ummm.

our hands are tied tonight and while i'm content to set it aside, haley is angry enough for both of us.

i want to make it go away. i want to solve the mystery for her.
i can't.
i want to hide from it.

and maybe that's how i feel about problems i can't solve in my own life too. maybe that's my coping mechanism for emotions bigger than i can handle.

when i was a little girl i remember having little places i went to be alone. i loved the book the secret garden and i created my own secret gardens in trees, under drooping bushes, in the top of my closet. though they were probably anything but hidden to outside eyes, i couldn't see out and so i imagined myself invisible.

as an adult i haven't found a place like that. sometimes i wander through public places in order to feel alone. the anonymity can be very isolating, but it's not the same, as it's a cocoon i crave, not a beehive.

i guess i should be able to create that cocoon within myself, with my own emotional resources, as an adult. i should be able to let someone else's anger, directed elsewhere, exist without causing me fear. i should be able to.

but tonight i sit quietly on the bed, my heart racing with unreasonable anxiety, and i wish i could climb into the top of the closet and disappear.

d: should becoming could
b: for my own ebay fiasco, i remain calm
g: sleep is imminent. escape is imminent.