normal

last week when i learned that i'm a sleepwalker, i discussed medication options with my doc. and now i find myself with a choice. or two. none of which are easy to make.

disclaimer: i tend to try and avoid naming names, particularly brand names, unless i'm speaking favorably; but i don't have the energy to be clever about avoiding them tonight. so, no offense if i call out your favorite drug of choice or insurance company or pharmacy or whatever else crosses my mind in the next half hour.

since my initial appointment to investigate my peculiar sleepiness i've been taking a wakefulness medicine, nuvigil. it's not a stimulant and strangely enough, it's not known exactly how it works to keep you awake, but it does. (hmm.) it's fairly safe they say. taken by doctors and fire fighters and pilots and shift workers. prescribed to help with jet lag. and given to those of us with sleep disorders.

at first it worked great, but after a couple of weeks i was getting sleepy about 6 hours after i took it. conveniently right when i'm typically in the car driving home from work/the gym/picking up luke/etc. so, when i met with the doctor i told him it wasn't quite cutting it and asked his recommendation.

of course, there's a higher dose of nuvigil i can take. i was on a starter dose, i discover. and there's also the precursor to nuvigil, called provigil. this one you take in two doses, so i could take that second pill when and as needed. that sounded interesting to me.

i mentioned to my doc that i will likely be without prescription coverage after april and was wondering about the cost for these medicines. (increasingly relevant as the national health care reform is squashed in washington...) is one less than the other? (if all else is equal, after all.) he said they were both quite expensive and the more affordable route is stimulants. those are available generic, apparently.

anyway, i left there with samples of a higher dose on nuvigil and a prescription for provigil. and the option to pick up a prescription for a stimulant such as adderall or ritalin, if i want to try it.

i don't.

i don't want to take amphetamines, legal or not. prescribed or not. i don't want to struggle with the energy roller coaster that uppers put you on. i don't want to become dependent on a drug with diminishing returns. i don't want to feel good and not know if it's me or the drug. and i don't want to feel bad either. i don't want to take a stimulant.

i called my pharmacy to price the nuvigil and provigil. a month of nuvigil came in at $300. a month of provigil: $999.

yes, you read that right. one thousand dollars. (surely it must have a secret benefit such as preventing cancer or halting the aging process for that price tag.)

hmm, the adderall doesn't sound so bad all of a sudden, especially at twenty bucks. or so i tried to tell myself for a day or two. but no.

it does sound bad. it's the worst.

i don't want to take any medicine actually. i don't want to make any pharmaceutical a part of my daily life. something i 'rely' on to feel normal.

i want my normal to be just me. on days i'm cranky, that's normal. on days i'm hyper, that's normal. on days i'm intense, that's normal. on days i'm sluggish, that's normal. i don't want to question my pills when my body feels different. i want to question my body.

and so, that leaves me with a conundrum, because i want to be awake. i don't want to sleepwalk through any more days.. weeks.. years. i want to be nuvigil-present. and i don't know how i'm going to get there.

i have three months to figure it out awake and if i don't know by then, maybe it will come in a dream.

d: a drug-free solution.
b: i can find a way. i know i can.
g: cobra running out in april, forcing the choice.