went and saw blue valentine tonight. what a bummer. tremendous acting and writing. but heartbreaking.
i think because it seems so real. so believable. and so scary.
here i am on the precipice of making a lifelong commitment and in every way certain of my intention and love and at the same time shoveling the earth off a buried dinosaur egg in my own personality and uncertain how to pry it loose and scared that i can't and feeling so much like damaged goods and unable to be deserving of the love and commitment i'm receiving.
and blue valentine didn't help.
d: a better me
b: writing it down, letting it go
g: i am loved
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
k.i.s.s.
hi, my name is jessica. i'm a bride eight and a half months from my wedding date and it's been twenty days since my last blogging.
it probably goes without saying that my obsession du jour is wedding planning but i've also read three (and a half) novels and two non-fiction books totally unrelated to said obsession over the past four weeks. so multiply that by two or three, to include the wedding magazines, websites and books, and you'll see that i've still been totally immersed in words despite my own writing hiatus.
but i do miss it.
this planning process has to be one of the most complex, multi-layered, and emotion laden projects i've ever managed. and without a doubt, the most fun too. haley and i regularly look at each other and say, 'it's not supposed to be this easy!'. (and then i try to make something hard, that really isn't. and she shakes her head and tells me how ridiculous i am. but never mind that.)
so, now we can check off pretty much everything related to the reception: venue, caterer, music, and much of the decor. we can check off most of the essential ceremony stuff too..though that's still coming together. (thank god - or what would i do for the next eight months?) and now i'm thinking that if i don't put myself back on some sort of disciplined writing schedule, i will certainly regret it. this is a time in my life that i want to remember. (and we all know i won't, if i don't write it down.)
on monday it will be two years to the day since haley and i first laid eyes on each other. two years from the day that our respective universes shifted and ever so subtly began to increasingly overlap. two years from the day that a spark lit a fire..a fire that has lit up the skyline of my life.
but my effort tonight to put words to paper is about more than just a heart overflowing with love and excitement, it's also about taking inventory. taking inventory and making an insight into some of my own deficiencies and potentially an approach to bring about change.
things as simple as giving myself a bedtime (and setting an alarm to remind me to honor it) and carving out a time for writing; these things change me. there are more complex tactics i'm undertaking as well and eventually perhaps i'll share..but for now.. one of my favorite twelve step slogans perhaps says it best: k.i.s.s.
keep it simple, sweetie.
(yes, that's the kinder, gentler version. i don't believe in calling myself stupid. others have done it quite enough already, thanks.)
d: let it begin with me
b: one day at a time
g: thanks for listening
it probably goes without saying that my obsession du jour is wedding planning but i've also read three (and a half) novels and two non-fiction books totally unrelated to said obsession over the past four weeks. so multiply that by two or three, to include the wedding magazines, websites and books, and you'll see that i've still been totally immersed in words despite my own writing hiatus.
but i do miss it.
this planning process has to be one of the most complex, multi-layered, and emotion laden projects i've ever managed. and without a doubt, the most fun too. haley and i regularly look at each other and say, 'it's not supposed to be this easy!'. (and then i try to make something hard, that really isn't. and she shakes her head and tells me how ridiculous i am. but never mind that.)
so, now we can check off pretty much everything related to the reception: venue, caterer, music, and much of the decor. we can check off most of the essential ceremony stuff too..though that's still coming together. (thank god - or what would i do for the next eight months?) and now i'm thinking that if i don't put myself back on some sort of disciplined writing schedule, i will certainly regret it. this is a time in my life that i want to remember. (and we all know i won't, if i don't write it down.)
on monday it will be two years to the day since haley and i first laid eyes on each other. two years from the day that our respective universes shifted and ever so subtly began to increasingly overlap. two years from the day that a spark lit a fire..a fire that has lit up the skyline of my life.
but my effort tonight to put words to paper is about more than just a heart overflowing with love and excitement, it's also about taking inventory. taking inventory and making an insight into some of my own deficiencies and potentially an approach to bring about change.
things as simple as giving myself a bedtime (and setting an alarm to remind me to honor it) and carving out a time for writing; these things change me. there are more complex tactics i'm undertaking as well and eventually perhaps i'll share..but for now.. one of my favorite twelve step slogans perhaps says it best: k.i.s.s.
keep it simple, sweetie.
(yes, that's the kinder, gentler version. i don't believe in calling myself stupid. others have done it quite enough already, thanks.)
d: let it begin with me
b: one day at a time
g: thanks for listening
Saturday, January 8, 2011
gestation
nine months from this night i'll be celebrating my marriage to the love of my life.
nine months.
the only other times in my life i've been as invested in nine months i was growing my sons. here in the first trimester of growing a wedding i'm experiencing the same single-minded focus, frenzied excitement, and occasional waves of nervous nausea i did then. happy to report though, unlike my pregnancies, no vomiting this time.
every day it seems a new idea is born or a new vision clarified and our manifesting energy is working overtime. our excitement is contagious and we have yet to be met with anything but loving support. and for that we are grateful. it seems that for all the hysterical panic over the sanctity of marriage, the community in which we reside is surprisingly enamored with our engagement. from the office to the bridal shops to the blockbuster counter, i've received heartfelt well wishes from virtual strangers.
though we haven't cleared the first trimester, we're almost ready to sound the trumpets. stay tuned. details are coming soon.
d: a wedding as beautiful as the relationship it is celebrating
b: my extraordinary project management skills are coming in handy
g: the loving reception our wedding has already received
nine months.
the only other times in my life i've been as invested in nine months i was growing my sons. here in the first trimester of growing a wedding i'm experiencing the same single-minded focus, frenzied excitement, and occasional waves of nervous nausea i did then. happy to report though, unlike my pregnancies, no vomiting this time.
every day it seems a new idea is born or a new vision clarified and our manifesting energy is working overtime. our excitement is contagious and we have yet to be met with anything but loving support. and for that we are grateful. it seems that for all the hysterical panic over the sanctity of marriage, the community in which we reside is surprisingly enamored with our engagement. from the office to the bridal shops to the blockbuster counter, i've received heartfelt well wishes from virtual strangers.
though we haven't cleared the first trimester, we're almost ready to sound the trumpets. stay tuned. details are coming soon.
d: a wedding as beautiful as the relationship it is celebrating
b: my extraordinary project management skills are coming in handy
g: the loving reception our wedding has already received
Thursday, December 23, 2010
betrothed
the eve to christmas eve, i can't believe it. i've been counting the days until the 25th for the past month and now, less than two days away, i have to remind myself it's almost here. still need to wrap some presents. still need to get some work done for my office job. all of a sudden though, i just can't seem to get my head in the game. my usual level of distraction is so far exceeded that i can barely remember my name.
i wonder why.
on monday afternoon, in the middle of a mountain top hike, in the middle of a mountain biking excursion, in the middle of an embrace, haley asked me to marry her. despite all my eager anticipation of the moment and daydreams about how it may happen, i was totally blindsided and a split second slow to recognize this is it! but it didn't take long for me to catch up and i haven't come down off that mountain yet.
engaged.
engaged and in love.
engaged and certain.
it seems that most relationships start out at their peak. the honeymoon. the high. and then, some faster than others, they start a steady and often precipitous decline until one or both parties extricate themselves from the rubble. but this time it's different for me.
sure, we started off on an endorphin high and rode that wave just like everyone else. but there's been something else in our relationship..even since the beginning.. something i couldn't put a finger on. i think it was a rawness. rough edges. a process. pace. reality pressing in from the very beginning.
and, quite honestly where i may have expected that to scare me away, the journey..the growth.. has bonded my heart to haley's in a way i've never known. unlike any relationship prior, and most that i see around me, ours has simply become better and better over the past two years.
so now...engaged. a promise to be married. betrothed.
the word betroth comes from the latin betreuthe, be treuthe, be true.
and maybe that's what it was that i couldn't put a finger on, the thing that makes us magical together. truth. her truth. my truth.
our truth, together.
d: holidays as bright for you as mine are already
b: i'm engaged!
g: our truth has set me free.
i wonder why.
on monday afternoon, in the middle of a mountain top hike, in the middle of a mountain biking excursion, in the middle of an embrace, haley asked me to marry her. despite all my eager anticipation of the moment and daydreams about how it may happen, i was totally blindsided and a split second slow to recognize this is it! but it didn't take long for me to catch up and i haven't come down off that mountain yet.
engaged.
engaged and in love.
engaged and certain.
it seems that most relationships start out at their peak. the honeymoon. the high. and then, some faster than others, they start a steady and often precipitous decline until one or both parties extricate themselves from the rubble. but this time it's different for me.
sure, we started off on an endorphin high and rode that wave just like everyone else. but there's been something else in our relationship..even since the beginning.. something i couldn't put a finger on. i think it was a rawness. rough edges. a process. pace. reality pressing in from the very beginning.
and, quite honestly where i may have expected that to scare me away, the journey..the growth.. has bonded my heart to haley's in a way i've never known. unlike any relationship prior, and most that i see around me, ours has simply become better and better over the past two years.
so now...engaged. a promise to be married. betrothed.
the word betroth comes from the latin betreuthe, be treuthe, be true.
and maybe that's what it was that i couldn't put a finger on, the thing that makes us magical together. truth. her truth. my truth.
our truth, together.
d: holidays as bright for you as mine are already
b: i'm engaged!
g: our truth has set me free.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
fanfare
last saturday todd tested for his black belt in taekwondo. to say i was proud is an understatement. the full swell of pride was only tempered by the emotional surge i had the night before, when i watched his last class before the pivotal exam, and was brought to tears by the magnitude of change i saw.
i've been taking him to martial arts classes for years now. and i've watched him work his way up through the colored belts with little more than memory and basic technique mastery. the fact that the master instructor handed me the application for black belt a few months ago for todd was both surprising and worrisome. even in my maternally biased opinion, i didn't see how he could go from where he was to black belt over three months. sure, he knew the techniques, but his literal technique was lacking that special oomph i saw in the black belts of the academy. his focus and his power, they left much to be desired.
but on the advice of master ji i enrolled him in the additional, time-consuming and expensive, course that was required in advance of examination. unlike the colored belt tests which are held every two months, the black belt test is only offered twice a year. hence the readiness training had a sense of urgency on top of the pressure of the penultimate evaluation in martial arts. i took him to every scheduled class, driving 50 miles round trip for each one. and he forewent school dances, dinner invitations and all else social on thursday and friday nights for almost three months.
during these classes, i would take care of errands. go for a run at the nearby park. read and/or nap in the car. very rarely did i sit in the uncomfortable chairs at the academy and watch. so when i did, on the last night of his training, i was met with that strangely alarming feeling parents occasionally get when they see their growing child after an extended absence and they look suddenly taller and more mature.
seemingly overnight, although literally anything but, todd grew into his black belt. crisp, powerful motions. textbook stances. and a serious countenance that honestly looked foreign to me. i really did wipe away tears.
at his colored belt tests he always struggled most with the board breaking. his casual approach to technique didn't give adequate power when met with wooden resistance. he told me that was the only thing he was worried about for the black belt exam day. but when the time came to break boards, his foot went through them like they were holding wet noodles.
*applause*
this summer when todd performed at band camp i was overcome with pride. it was perhaps the fullest my heart had ever been with parental pride. luke noticed. he also noticed how much fun todd had there that week, it was evident in his non-stop chatter on the way home. luke made an off-hand remark that the trumpet looked like it may be fun to play and i wasted no time in obtaining an instrument and a private instructor.
when i gave it to him, he said, 'oh, i wasn't sure i really wanted to play..' but i said, 'just give it a try, you might like it..' the elementary school he transferred to in town starts children in third grade for band (third grade!) so he was a couple years behind his classmates. the school band director said he needed basic instrument and music reading skills before he could join his peers, so unbeknownst to luke, i set him on a course to join the band mid-year.
before his first few lessons and at every directive to 'go practice trumpet' i heard a litany of complaints ranging from 'i'm just not a band kid' to 'it's dumb'. i held firm that i'd rented the instrument for a school year (not really true) and that he couldn't quit until the contract was up and he tried the school band (my decision). he believed me, i think; and then i started to see him turn a corner.
his affection for his private instructor, which started with healthy skepticism and migrated through curiosity, has settled into real admiration. the instructor told me about a month ago that luke should be ready to join the band and so i contacted the school band director. but no sooner did i make that contact than all of luke's confidence evaporated. i agreed to delay it until he felt ready.
last week the school band played their holiday concert and luke attended with a friend. he came home intent on joining not only the regular band, but also the jazz band, as soon as possible. this week, he met with the band director before school on the last day before the holiday; played his scales and his latest mastered song. the director said, 'Perfecto!' and welcomed him into the band. luke immediately asked about jazz band and is joining that in january, after the holidays, as well.
*applause*
he told me at dinner that night that it was the proudest he's ever been of himself. i could relate. just in this week alone, my two sons have made me the proudest mom i've ever been.
d: may they feel the love contained in my pride
b: i pushed the right buttons at the right times
g: a budding musician and an accomplished martial artist
i've been taking him to martial arts classes for years now. and i've watched him work his way up through the colored belts with little more than memory and basic technique mastery. the fact that the master instructor handed me the application for black belt a few months ago for todd was both surprising and worrisome. even in my maternally biased opinion, i didn't see how he could go from where he was to black belt over three months. sure, he knew the techniques, but his literal technique was lacking that special oomph i saw in the black belts of the academy. his focus and his power, they left much to be desired.
but on the advice of master ji i enrolled him in the additional, time-consuming and expensive, course that was required in advance of examination. unlike the colored belt tests which are held every two months, the black belt test is only offered twice a year. hence the readiness training had a sense of urgency on top of the pressure of the penultimate evaluation in martial arts. i took him to every scheduled class, driving 50 miles round trip for each one. and he forewent school dances, dinner invitations and all else social on thursday and friday nights for almost three months.
during these classes, i would take care of errands. go for a run at the nearby park. read and/or nap in the car. very rarely did i sit in the uncomfortable chairs at the academy and watch. so when i did, on the last night of his training, i was met with that strangely alarming feeling parents occasionally get when they see their growing child after an extended absence and they look suddenly taller and more mature.
seemingly overnight, although literally anything but, todd grew into his black belt. crisp, powerful motions. textbook stances. and a serious countenance that honestly looked foreign to me. i really did wipe away tears.
at his colored belt tests he always struggled most with the board breaking. his casual approach to technique didn't give adequate power when met with wooden resistance. he told me that was the only thing he was worried about for the black belt exam day. but when the time came to break boards, his foot went through them like they were holding wet noodles.
*applause*
this summer when todd performed at band camp i was overcome with pride. it was perhaps the fullest my heart had ever been with parental pride. luke noticed. he also noticed how much fun todd had there that week, it was evident in his non-stop chatter on the way home. luke made an off-hand remark that the trumpet looked like it may be fun to play and i wasted no time in obtaining an instrument and a private instructor.
when i gave it to him, he said, 'oh, i wasn't sure i really wanted to play..' but i said, 'just give it a try, you might like it..' the elementary school he transferred to in town starts children in third grade for band (third grade!) so he was a couple years behind his classmates. the school band director said he needed basic instrument and music reading skills before he could join his peers, so unbeknownst to luke, i set him on a course to join the band mid-year.
before his first few lessons and at every directive to 'go practice trumpet' i heard a litany of complaints ranging from 'i'm just not a band kid' to 'it's dumb'. i held firm that i'd rented the instrument for a school year (not really true) and that he couldn't quit until the contract was up and he tried the school band (my decision). he believed me, i think; and then i started to see him turn a corner.
his affection for his private instructor, which started with healthy skepticism and migrated through curiosity, has settled into real admiration. the instructor told me about a month ago that luke should be ready to join the band and so i contacted the school band director. but no sooner did i make that contact than all of luke's confidence evaporated. i agreed to delay it until he felt ready.
last week the school band played their holiday concert and luke attended with a friend. he came home intent on joining not only the regular band, but also the jazz band, as soon as possible. this week, he met with the band director before school on the last day before the holiday; played his scales and his latest mastered song. the director said, 'Perfecto!' and welcomed him into the band. luke immediately asked about jazz band and is joining that in january, after the holidays, as well.
*applause*
he told me at dinner that night that it was the proudest he's ever been of himself. i could relate. just in this week alone, my two sons have made me the proudest mom i've ever been.
d: may they feel the love contained in my pride
b: i pushed the right buttons at the right times
g: a budding musician and an accomplished martial artist
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
amusings
it's been years, at least 14, since i've been in a laundromat. but just yesterday i walked out of the gym with haley and said "mmm, that smells good..like a laundromat". she said "really? all i smell is the greasy cheesesteak place," looking to our left at the armpit of ansley mall. i don't know why i smelled laundry right then..maybe the wind was blowing some lint scented air from the laundry lounge at the other end of the shopping center..maybe the dry cleaners we passed were secretly washing and drying someone's precious delicates..or maybe it was the universe prepping me for today, also known as a premonition. because today, after the frozen pipes on our unheated laundry porch thawed and the washer filled with warm soapy water it decided to give up the ole bottom-of-the-line-maytag ghost. i should add, also after my clothes were thoroughly submerged.
alas with temperatures dropping to near artic lows i don't really have the option of ignoring the problem and hoping it'll heal overnight. so, i wrung the load out best i could, hefted the 50 lbs of sopping clothes into a laundry basket, which then proceeded to saturate my pants, socks, and shoes, and took them urgently to the nearest laundromat..the aforesmelled laundry lounge. leaving a steady stream of water in my wake, i stormed the closest washer and stuffed it with my clothes, the towels i protected my car with, and the first set of wet pants and socks...
then off to pick todd up from band practice..no time to dry them - as we were making the weekly trek to taekwondo in the 'burbs with not a minute to spare. hence, my hunt for a suburban coin operated laundry. i kid you not, i counted over a dozen dry cleaners before i found the first laundromat. and the laundry lounge it is not.
where the laundry lounge had the requisite assortment of vending machines and video games, a friendly clientele and staff, a comfortable seating area (fitting its lounge description), not to mention free coffee and wifi; the suburban closet-sized facility is more resembling of my laundry porch at home. that is to say, unheated and uninhabited and outdated. the dryers don't even have a price or timer on them, simply an unmarked coin slot. i assume it takes quarters. however, i have no idea how long my deposit will power this antiquated machine.
yes, it's been a very long time since i've used a laundromat.
but that's ok. it's mildly amusing. i'll eventually replace my washer with a machine that can hold more than two pairs of jeans at a time, and that'll be a welcome lifestyle improvement. the installation of the new device will require the stove, fridge and dryer to be removed..and at least one door. (free delivery, muahaha!) that will be mildly amusing too.
it's a little over a week till christmas. i'm 90% ready and 100% excited. i told the boys that we aren't having a vending machine holiday and that i was only committing to taking their requests into consideration, rather than obligation. i know they'll be happy with where we net out and the mystery of it makes it so much more fun. similarly, haley and i are keeping all gifts secret. i know most couples don't necessarily go to the extremes we do to make christmas surprises so surprising. but most couples aren't as extreme as we are, period.
our christmas tree is right outside the french doors to our bedroom. we leave the lights on 24-7 and i fall asleep and wake to my own sugarplum dreams. so, perhaps the domestic drama of having a broken washing machine, mid-week, mid-wash cycle is just the sort of amusing distraction i need ten days out from christmas.
d: sugarplum dreams come true
b: olfactory premonition precision
g: extreme anticipatory amusement
alas with temperatures dropping to near artic lows i don't really have the option of ignoring the problem and hoping it'll heal overnight. so, i wrung the load out best i could, hefted the 50 lbs of sopping clothes into a laundry basket, which then proceeded to saturate my pants, socks, and shoes, and took them urgently to the nearest laundromat..the aforesmelled laundry lounge. leaving a steady stream of water in my wake, i stormed the closest washer and stuffed it with my clothes, the towels i protected my car with, and the first set of wet pants and socks...
then off to pick todd up from band practice..no time to dry them - as we were making the weekly trek to taekwondo in the 'burbs with not a minute to spare. hence, my hunt for a suburban coin operated laundry. i kid you not, i counted over a dozen dry cleaners before i found the first laundromat. and the laundry lounge it is not.
where the laundry lounge had the requisite assortment of vending machines and video games, a friendly clientele and staff, a comfortable seating area (fitting its lounge description), not to mention free coffee and wifi; the suburban closet-sized facility is more resembling of my laundry porch at home. that is to say, unheated and uninhabited and outdated. the dryers don't even have a price or timer on them, simply an unmarked coin slot. i assume it takes quarters. however, i have no idea how long my deposit will power this antiquated machine.
yes, it's been a very long time since i've used a laundromat.
but that's ok. it's mildly amusing. i'll eventually replace my washer with a machine that can hold more than two pairs of jeans at a time, and that'll be a welcome lifestyle improvement. the installation of the new device will require the stove, fridge and dryer to be removed..and at least one door. (free delivery, muahaha!) that will be mildly amusing too.
it's a little over a week till christmas. i'm 90% ready and 100% excited. i told the boys that we aren't having a vending machine holiday and that i was only committing to taking their requests into consideration, rather than obligation. i know they'll be happy with where we net out and the mystery of it makes it so much more fun. similarly, haley and i are keeping all gifts secret. i know most couples don't necessarily go to the extremes we do to make christmas surprises so surprising. but most couples aren't as extreme as we are, period.
our christmas tree is right outside the french doors to our bedroom. we leave the lights on 24-7 and i fall asleep and wake to my own sugarplum dreams. so, perhaps the domestic drama of having a broken washing machine, mid-week, mid-wash cycle is just the sort of amusing distraction i need ten days out from christmas.
d: sugarplum dreams come true
b: olfactory premonition precision
g: extreme anticipatory amusement
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
cookie
-photo by renee lewis
there's something about baking..not that i do it much, but i do love the process and result. of course, the best part is the aroma when something delicious is in the oven.
watching todd turn into a teenager reminds me of baking. i've been so, so impatient for him to get there. to see how he turns out. to watch him rise through those pivotal years into a young man. but now that it's upon me i can only wish i'd savored the process more because all too quickly it's passing in front of my eyes and soon, like a batch of fresh cookies, he'll be gone. already he's gone a lot more..
i'm in luck though; because although he isn't as pliable and doesn't smell as good as he used to, i still have the sweet, sweet morsels and a little more to sink my teeth into.
d: patience with the process
b: never mind my inexperience, i make a damn good cookie
g: the crumbs i get are just as delicious as they ever were
watching todd turn into a teenager reminds me of baking. i've been so, so impatient for him to get there. to see how he turns out. to watch him rise through those pivotal years into a young man. but now that it's upon me i can only wish i'd savored the process more because all too quickly it's passing in front of my eyes and soon, like a batch of fresh cookies, he'll be gone. already he's gone a lot more..
i'm in luck though; because although he isn't as pliable and doesn't smell as good as he used to, i still have the sweet, sweet morsels and a little more to sink my teeth into.
d: patience with the process
b: never mind my inexperience, i make a damn good cookie
g: the crumbs i get are just as delicious as they ever were
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