dread

maybe it's just me, but when i see the word Greetings! i expect something good to follow.  perhaps a holiday message or an invitation or a notice that i've won an unexpected jackpot.  i can think of a few other appropriate situations, but even when i stretch and reach for the third tier of most-likely-memos-to-follow, jury summons doesn't make the list. 

sigh

i am tortured by this single piece of paper.  it has evoked an emotional response that doesn't normally follow a cheerful greeting.   

i have no qualms at all about my civic duty in principle and in fact, being a mystery-loving, puzzle-solving, obsessive-researcher i've always been innately curious about what transpires behind a jury's guarded door.   so why, you may wonder, was i overcome with apprehension and dread when luke handed me the Greetings! last night...

almost two years ago exactly i received another jury summons. it was from fulton county, rather than dekalb, and decidedly less enthusiastic in the conveyance of my obligation.  i made up for their lack of cheer with my excited anticipation.  

it was early summer after todd's freshman year and he accompanied me to court, to observe our justice system in action.  [note:  i'm using the word 'action' loosely, as the jury selection process is about as action-packed as one of those algae eating snails on the side of an aquarium.]

i served on a criminal jury for a week that june, hearing a case against a young man charged with 11 felony counts, including murder, aggravated assault (ran over a person with a car, twice) and kidnapping.  we sat through hours of expert witness testimony on blood spatter,  saw an incarcerated witness flip sides mid-testimony,  heard from prostitutes and drug dealers, and studied maps of streets and businesses that i'd driven by dozens of times... in short, it was everything my patricia cornwell and john grisham filled head could have imagined for a riveting juror experience.  

except for one thing.. in the end, i had three pages of questions. unanswered questions.  and the answers simply didn't exist in the cases we were presented.  it also turned out that the attorneys didn't have scripts. they flubbed their lines and were at times inarticulate or ineffective in making their points clear.  after all, a jury 'of your peers' may need it spelled out quite simply...(well, that's another story altogether.)

but i think it can be summed up in one tragic revelation: there are no tidy bows in real life criminal court.  verdicts are messy.  there are loose ends.  there are unanswered questions.  there is evidence untested or even uncollected. and every person in the courtroom, aside from the defendant and the jurors, are quite simply at work.  and just like me, they have good days and bad days, they forget things and screw up.  they are distracted by their personal lives at times and they are pushed and pulled by their bosses at others.  just like at my office, there's a range of acceptable performance and people fall at both ends of the spectrum.  

and the jury room is no better. there is no magic behind the heavy door. there are just people, also distracted by their kids and jobs and grocery list and that defense attorney looks like this guy i know and that prosecutor was too loud and the forensic analyst was boring me to tears so i drew a grid on my notepad.   and..and...

i was wrecked by my jury experience.  

i couldn't sleep.  

i poured over my notes, well after the trial ended.  

i saw the car from the crime everywhere (really, they were everywhere suddenly).  

i drove the streets from the maps and then i avoided them too.  

i was wracked with guilt for not standing my ground or being more clear.  

it was like a song stuck in my head,  but it felt more like morning sickness.  continual nausea on the verge of much worse. 

a week later, i called the judge's office and left a message.  he called me back the same day.  reassured me.  gave me more background and context on the case.  thanked me for my service and told me to put it behind me.  

and i did, though i still have all my notes from the trial in my work bag.  i see them daily and am momentarily reminded of our individual human-ness. inherently imperfect.  and in those imperfect, human hands, we hold each other:  lives and hearts.  

so, back to the issue at hand..  my Greetings! from dekalb county courthouse.  i called and rescheduled, first thing, as i have travel already booked for the following several days.  the court clerk i spoke to advised me on tips to get out of serving altogether, but i simply thanked her and said i'd just like to reschedule instead.  

i have a pit in my stomach about it.  i am praying for a civil case or a corporate litigation or simply a day wasted in the jury pool holding room.  but no matter, i'll be there, with much less curiosity and much lower expectations.  and should i wind up on a jury that is sent to deliberation without a final chapter in the book, with great heaviness i will take what pieces i'm given and do my best.  

d:  please not a murder, please 

b:  rescheduled, rather than evaded

g:  at least it's been two years