solid

my boys are about to have birthdays.  one will be sixteen and the other eighteen.   this summer i've ping-ponged between their two vastly divergent lives and interests, much like the last (nearly) two decades of my life.  the dual extremism of their personalities and pursuits has stimulated me, as much as challenged; and i wonder and fear for the loss of that dynamic tension when todd leaves for college.   though my nest won't be empty, it will be unbalanced and i anticipate that with curiosity.  

i am beginning now to develop a vision for my new nest.  imagining how i will feather it fully, bringing the laughter and energy from shared passions with todd to my home without him.   one of my friends, also the parent of a rising high school senior, remarks that she had a life before kids and looks forward to revisiting many of those pursuits.  that's not me though. 

while clearly i lived before i had children, i had no adult life prior to their birth.  i was in college, young, working part-time, broke, floundering.  i had lost my sense of direction, and somewhat blindly wandered from one thing to another, hoping to gain clarity.  i didn't plan to have a baby at twenty-three, but when i learned i was pregnant, i clung to the mission of motherhood as if a life-preserver.  i took pregnancy very seriously, charting my daily servings of vegetables and dairy and tracking every developmental milestone; utterly mystified and obsessed with the miracle of life.  

my interests have always ebbed and flowed, one into the next, meandering alongside and in tandem with the boys'. acquiring many skills and passions and leaving many along the path as well.   so i have no clear picture of my empty-nest life, but my vision is full nonetheless, of curiosity and creativity..and more to come.  

as my boys become young men, they are each quite spectacular in their own ways.  each driven and motivated to their goals, respectful of adults, desiring to make a difference in the world, and both very loyal and loving to me.  in their own unique ways, of course.  

and i can't really emphasize the latter point strongly enough.  where todd wants to serve in the peace corps after college, become a civil rights activist, and currently spends his free time in the summer volunteering at the civil rights museum and debate camp; luke is single-mindedly focused on admission to the air force academy and a career in special forces, serving in the most selective and respected SF unit, dedicated to rescue and evacuation of other special forces troops.  his summer has consisted of multiple leadership camps through jrotc and rifle team practice, interspersed with circuit training.   yes, indeed they are polar opposites one to the other.  

but then, when i really take the time to observe, i recognize one common ground below the three of us.  and it is solid.  underneath our vastly different approaches to life and the paths before us, there is something strong supporting us.  i contend it is love.  

d:  continued solid ground beneath our feet.

b:  my boys are pretty amazing.  it can't all be coincidence. 

g:  the privilege of loving them and being loved by them.  it is my bedrock.