responsible

what a heavy word that is.  responsible.

re·spon·si·ble
rəˈspänsəb(ə)l/
adjective
1. having an obligation to do something, or having control over or care for someone, as part of one's job or role.
2. being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it.
3. (of a job or position) involving important duties, independent decision-making, or control over others.
4. having to report to (a superior or someone in authority) and be answerable to them for one's actions.
5. capable of being trusted.
6. morally accountable for one's behavior.

as i suspected, the definitions are chock full of even heavier words: obligation, cause, blame, important, control, morally accountable, answerable. eek. my feet are sinking deeper into the ground, the more i type.

i've been thinking a lot about that word... i was forced to be responsible at a young age. i worked young. i moved out young. i made good grades. i knew the burden of college tuition was mine alone. i volunteered with my church youth group. i volunteered alone. i did all the things that we say young people should do in order to deem them responsible. and i felt the full weight of that word.

as an adult, at times i've found myself drawn to those who don't feel it. those who aren't particularly responsible. those who either intentionally or not have created lives with less of that burden. i've made valiant (read: extreme) efforts to shed my lead cloak but eventually reality jerked me back and only lately have i recognized that both are possible. in moderation.

but that's not the definition of responsible that i've been most fixated on lately. i've been listening to some audio books (an attempt to keep my eyes off my kindle and/or phone while driving) that have impressed me with their ability to articulate a very single-minded idea in so many different ways. a thesaurus of phrasing around one very simple concept. chapter after chapter around one single thought. example after example illustrating one principle.

i am responsible for my happiness.
only i am responsible for my happiness.

upon first hearing this, i felt the full weight of that responsibility. smothering almost. unable to look to my surroundings or conditions left me with only myself to paint my emotional landscape. every color in the spectrum from the darkest grey to the brightest, happiest yellow, to the angriest crimson: the full palette placed solely in my hands.

and then, as i kept listening, and kept listening, and kept listening (i have a long commute, every single day, after all), i heard something else.

i am responsible for only my happiness.

d: may i keep my hands on my own brushes and paints
b: my palette is full of nuance and depth
g: only one, very manageable, canvas for which i am responsible