betrothed

the eve to christmas eve, i can't believe it. i've been counting the days until the 25th for the past month and now, less than two days away, i have to remind myself it's almost here. still need to wrap some presents. still need to get some work done for my office job. all of a sudden though, i just can't seem to get my head in the game. my usual level of distraction is so far exceeded that i can barely remember my name.

i wonder why.


on monday afternoon, in the middle of a mountain top hike, in the middle of a mountain biking excursion, in the middle of an embrace, haley asked me to marry her. despite all my eager anticipation of the moment and daydreams about how it may happen, i was totally blindsided and a split second slow to recognize this is it! but it didn't take long for me to catch up and i haven't come down off that mountain yet.

engaged.
engaged and in love.
engaged and certain.

it seems that most relationships start out at their peak. the honeymoon. the high. and then, some faster than others, they start a steady and often precipitous decline until one or both parties extricate themselves from the rubble. but this time it's different for me.

sure, we started off on an endorphin high and rode that wave just like everyone else. but there's been something else in our relationship..even since the beginning.. something i couldn't put a finger on. i think it was a rawness. rough edges. a process. pace. reality pressing in from the very beginning.

and, quite honestly where i may have expected that to scare me away, the journey..the growth.. has bonded my heart to haley's in a way i've never known. unlike any relationship prior, and most that i see around me, ours has simply become better and better over the past two years.

so now...engaged. a promise to be married. betrothed.

the word betroth comes from the latin betreuthe, be treuthe, be true.
and maybe that's what it was that i couldn't put a finger on, the thing that makes us magical together. truth. her truth. my truth.

our truth, together.

d: holidays as bright for you as mine are already
b: i'm engaged!
g: our truth has set me free.

fanfare

last saturday todd tested for his black belt in taekwondo. to say i was proud is an understatement. the full swell of pride was only tempered by the emotional surge i had the night before, when i watched his last class before the pivotal exam, and was brought to tears by the magnitude of change i saw.

i've been taking him to martial arts classes for years now. and i've watched him work his way up through the colored belts with little more than memory and basic technique mastery. the fact that the master instructor handed me the application for black belt a few months ago for todd was both surprising and worrisome. even in my maternally biased opinion, i didn't see how he could go from where he was to black belt over three months. sure, he knew the techniques, but his literal technique was lacking that special oomph i saw in the black belts of the academy. his focus and his power, they left much to be desired.

but on the advice of master ji i enrolled him in the additional, time-consuming and expensive, course that was required in advance of examination. unlike the colored belt tests which are held every two months, the black belt test is only offered twice a year. hence the readiness training had a sense of urgency on top of the pressure of the penultimate evaluation in martial arts. i took him to every scheduled class, driving 50 miles round trip for each one. and he forewent school dances, dinner invitations and all else social on thursday and friday nights for almost three months.

during these classes, i would take care of errands. go for a run at the nearby park. read and/or nap in the car. very rarely did i sit in the uncomfortable chairs at the academy and watch. so when i did, on the last night of his training, i was met with that strangely alarming feeling parents occasionally get when they see their growing child after an extended absence and they look suddenly taller and more mature.

seemingly overnight, although literally anything but, todd grew into his black belt. crisp, powerful motions. textbook stances. and a serious countenance that honestly looked foreign to me. i really did wipe away tears.

at his colored belt tests he always struggled most with the board breaking. his casual approach to technique didn't give adequate power when met with wooden resistance. he told me that was the only thing he was worried about for the black belt exam day. but when the time came to break boards, his foot went through them like they were holding wet noodles.

*applause*

this summer when todd performed at band camp i was overcome with pride. it was perhaps the fullest my heart had ever been with parental pride. luke noticed. he also noticed how much fun todd had there that week, it was evident in his non-stop chatter on the way home. luke made an off-hand remark that the trumpet looked like it may be fun to play and i wasted no time in obtaining an instrument and a private instructor.

when i gave it to him, he said, 'oh, i wasn't sure i really wanted to play..' but i said, 'just give it a try, you might like it..' the elementary school he transferred to in town starts children in third grade for band (third grade!) so he was a couple years behind his classmates. the school band director said he needed basic instrument and music reading skills before he could join his peers, so unbeknownst to luke, i set him on a course to join the band mid-year.

before his first few lessons and at every directive to 'go practice trumpet' i heard a litany of complaints ranging from 'i'm just not a band kid' to 'it's dumb'. i held firm that i'd rented the instrument for a school year (not really true) and that he couldn't quit until the contract was up and he tried the school band (my decision). he believed me, i think; and then i started to see him turn a corner.

his affection for his private instructor, which started with healthy skepticism and migrated through curiosity, has settled into real admiration. the instructor told me about a month ago that luke should be ready to join the band and so i contacted the school band director. but no sooner did i make that contact than all of luke's confidence evaporated. i agreed to delay it until he felt ready.

last week the school band played their holiday concert and luke attended with a friend. he came home intent on joining not only the regular band, but also the jazz band, as soon as possible. this week, he met with the band director before school on the last day before the holiday; played his scales and his latest mastered song. the director said, 'Perfecto!' and welcomed him into the band. luke immediately asked about jazz band and is joining that in january, after the holidays, as well.

*applause*

he told me at dinner that night that it was the proudest he's ever been of himself. i could relate. just in this week alone, my two sons have made me the proudest mom i've ever been.

d: may they feel the love contained in my pride
b: i pushed the right buttons at the right times
g: a budding musician and an accomplished martial artist

amusings

it's been years, at least 14, since i've been in a laundromat. but just yesterday i walked out of the gym with haley and said "mmm, that smells good..like a laundromat". she said "really? all i smell is the greasy cheesesteak place," looking to our left at the armpit of ansley mall. i don't know why i smelled laundry right then..maybe the wind was blowing some lint scented air from the laundry lounge at the other end of the shopping center..maybe the dry cleaners we passed were secretly washing and drying someone's precious delicates..or maybe it was the universe prepping me for today, also known as a premonition. because today, after the frozen pipes on our unheated laundry porch thawed and the washer filled with warm soapy water it decided to give up the ole bottom-of-the-line-maytag ghost. i should add, also after my clothes were thoroughly submerged.

alas with temperatures dropping to near artic lows i don't really have the option of ignoring the problem and hoping it'll heal overnight. so, i wrung the load out best i could, hefted the 50 lbs of sopping clothes into a laundry basket, which then proceeded to saturate my pants, socks, and shoes, and took them urgently to the nearest laundromat..the aforesmelled laundry lounge. leaving a steady stream of water in my wake, i stormed the closest washer and stuffed it with my clothes, the towels i protected my car with, and the first set of wet pants and socks...

then off to pick todd up from band practice..no time to dry them - as we were making the weekly trek to taekwondo in the 'burbs with not a minute to spare. hence, my hunt for a suburban coin operated laundry. i kid you not, i counted over a dozen dry cleaners before i found the first laundromat. and the laundry lounge it is not.

where the laundry lounge had the requisite assortment of vending machines and video games, a friendly clientele and staff, a comfortable seating area (fitting its lounge description), not to mention free coffee and wifi; the suburban closet-sized facility is more resembling of my laundry porch at home. that is to say, unheated and uninhabited and outdated. the dryers don't even have a price or timer on them, simply an unmarked coin slot. i assume it takes quarters. however, i have no idea how long my deposit will power this antiquated machine.

yes, it's been a very long time since i've used a laundromat.

but that's ok. it's mildly amusing. i'll eventually replace my washer with a machine that can hold more than two pairs of jeans at a time, and that'll be a welcome lifestyle improvement. the installation of the new device will require the stove, fridge and dryer to be removed..and at least one door. (free delivery, muahaha!) that will be mildly amusing too.

it's a little over a week till christmas. i'm 90% ready and 100% excited. i told the boys that we aren't having a vending machine holiday and that i was only committing to taking their requests into consideration, rather than obligation. i know they'll be happy with where we net out and the mystery of it makes it so much more fun. similarly, haley and i are keeping all gifts secret. i know most couples don't necessarily go to the extremes we do to make christmas surprises so surprising. but most couples aren't as extreme as we are, period.

our christmas tree is right outside the french doors to our bedroom. we leave the lights on 24-7 and i fall asleep and wake to my own sugarplum dreams. so, perhaps the domestic drama of having a broken washing machine, mid-week, mid-wash cycle is just the sort of amusing distraction i need ten days out from christmas.

d: sugarplum dreams come true
b: olfactory premonition precision
g: extreme anticipatory amusement

cookie

-photo by renee lewis

there's something about baking..not that i do it much, but i do love the process and result. of course, the best part is the aroma when something delicious is in the oven.

watching todd turn into a teenager reminds me of baking. i've been so, so impatient for him to get there. to see how he turns out. to watch him rise through those pivotal years into a young man. but now that it's upon me i can only wish i'd savored the process more because all too quickly it's passing in front of my eyes and soon, like a batch of fresh cookies, he'll be gone. already he's gone a lot more..

i'm in luck though; because although he isn't as pliable and doesn't smell as good as he used to, i still have the sweet, sweet morsels and a little more to sink my teeth into.

d: patience with the process
b: never mind my inexperience, i make a damn good cookie
g: the crumbs i get are just as delicious as they ever were

winner

last week i had two training clients make quite opposite but both powerful insights about themselves. one woman told me that she needed to be pushed because she doesn't believe she can push herself beyond "hard". fairly common refrain in personal training. even other trainers have told me they regularly hire trainers themselves to get that extra push beyond the comfort zone. i firmly believe we are predominantly limited by our minds..our bodies have much more capacity than we give them credit for.

the other woman though said something i have never heard from another client and regrettably don't often experience myself. she said, "I hear what you're asking me to do, and I think 'no problem', envisioning myself doing it with ease. But then, I try and my body just isn't cooperative." i reassured her that her body would catch up quickly but as we worked through the next set, my mind really went to work on that idea. it truly is the mind of an athlete. one who believes they have ability beyond what they see. this woman may voice embarrassment about her current fitness level, but the picture she has of her body's capability carries much more weight.

without a doubt she will be successful.
without a doubt she will master the challenge she faces.
without a doubt, because her mind's eye already has envisioned that reality for her.

this weekend we spent hours on the sidelines of luke's soccer tournament. of course i love watching him play, but the young female athletes always impress me too. part of it is no doubt a longing for something I missed as a kid, but setting that aside, i simply enjoy these young women and their energy. their feminine sides merged with this primitive, masculine drive to compete and win.

a little girl, about luke's age, was taking a pit stop with her parents beside me and I overheard..
"You make a good argument.."
"I know. That's why I'm going to be an attorney...not that it's my dream but I'm still going to," she replied to her dad, matter of fact.
...a few minutes pass...
as if remembering, or suddenly catching up with the dialogue, her father says, "What's your dream?"
"Fashion design."
no comment...another few minutes pass.
"I'll see you later."
"Bye honey. Don't wear yourself out before the game.."

bye honey. no time for dreaming.
bye honey. back to business now.
bye honey. win.

admittedly it was a snippet overheard. i have no idea the real nature of their relationship. i have no idea if the pre-teen aspiring fashion designer has a different dream every day. but never mind all that because this conversation happens all the time with children and parents and adults and supervisors and students and teachers with the same moral.

do what you know. play it safe. far fetched ideas about ourselves are for children.

i reject that notion. i believe far fetched ideas about ourselves..our potential.. our dreams: they are for athletes. and i, for one, am an athlete.

d: big dreams come true
b: i am an athlete
g: athletes are winners

thawing

for the past three days i've been itching to write. i've opened my computer at night and considered putting my disconnected and jumbled thoughts and feelings to words. and then, because my fingers wouldn't move, i didn't.

and i don't mean 'wouldn't move' in the figurative writer's block way. i mean, 'wouldn't move' as in stiff as little twigs and unable to bend. or maybe a better visual would be popsicles.

last weekend we enjoyed the last of the fall weather i suppose. it was glorious for halloween. i was able to build a fire and wear a short skirt on sunday night and neither felt out of place or uncomfortable. the skies were clear and warm during the day and mildly cool in the evening. but monday morning, we woke to a rainy winter.

i quickly got on the phone with the natural gas company because the forecast showed temperatures dropping into the 30's with freeze warnings for the latter part of the week. [side note: our 'new' old house uses gas only for the furnace, so no need to turn it on until..umm... now.] of course, i couldn't get an appointment for another five days, so for the past three we've frozen.

i've found myself on a couple separate occasions sitting in the drive way or a sunny parking lot in my car. reading. napping. eating. just being warm. and i've vowed every which way from sunday that next year i'll turn the damn gas on in august, just to be safe. because nothing makes a house feel less like a home than a temperature that makes you want to torch it.

with all that in mind, i have much to say. i've just finished a tremendous book. a tremendously dog-eared book now. i cried and laughed and cried my way from cover to cover and then felt a bit depressed that it was over. i will write about it. i've seen a movie that i'm still marinating in. and i watched a new tv show that's on my mind as well. did you hear that portia de rossi has a new book out about her struggle with eating disorder? the interview i heard with her moved me to tears in the car. the book is ordered.

i have much to write about. but tonight is the first weekend haley and i have had alone in a month and she's on her way home. so it will have to wait another day. our now warm house is about to get hot...

d: candles on. phones off.
b: my homework and my housework are done. (the dryer makes an excellent space heater in a bind - make note.)
g: heat.

dis-comforted

they say there's comfort in numbers. they say that misery loves company.

today is election day. today is foreclosure day. one has a silver lining and the other doesn't seem to. (yet)

i've been at the old house several times over the past few weeks. thinking each time that i'm done and then discovering another nook of memories unsorted and uncollected. the scent of the house was the most poignant and debilitating when i first returned. though empty and unoccupied, it still smelled of us. i lived there longer than any other house in my life and every part of it was chosen by me, from the dirt it was built on to the roof line and everything in between. for a person whose childhood homes outnumbered her years and her control, it was my first sanction of stability and independence.

and yet that stability slipped out from under my feet like quicksand. and my sanctuary turned albatross. and today, foreclosure day, when i finally have the utilities turned off and have relinquished ownership of 3910 embassy way i'm choosing gratitude over guilt and hope over shame. because the stability and security i imagined bound to an address has put down deeper roots and bolstered my spirit in a home i only lay the faintest claim to.

and i take comfort in numbers. one in ninety-eight households in atlanta are involved in a foreclosure. that's the latest data, just released a few days ago. as a city we should be feeling very comforted, very comfortable indeed.

as an american citizen on election night though, i'm feeling very uncomfortable this evening. i turned off the play-by-play coverage instead electing to take my medicine in one disgusting swallow tomorrow morning.

and in a city where the three metro-est congressional districts, and the ones surrounding and encompassing my entire life, are represented by democrats i take little comfort in the adage: misery loves company; for the misery outweighs their company tonight.

d: a miraculous final tally
b: discovery that stability and security are not defined by brick and plaster, but rather the love within
g: closure by way of foreclosure