tyranny

if i had a dime for every time i said, 'i know i shouldn't, but i wish...'  or 'i shouldn't feel this way but...' or 'i shouldn't say this but...'  well, let's just say i wouldn't be blogging at noon on black friday.  

shouldism:  a virus of epic proportions - never mind ebola.  this one will grab hold of your brain and your tongue and deliver a crippling dose of judgement and guilt.

admittedly, i'm not uncovering a great revelation here.  it's the subject of many pithy expressions. 'stop shoulding all over yourself,' 'shoulda, woulda, coulda.'

and it's even documented in psychological literature as a symptom of neurosis.  karen horney coined the foreboding term 'the tyranny of should' as a trait of a neurotic.  she described it as a split between a person's ideal self and their despised self.  the despised self being the one that they believe to not measure up to some ideal. what these neurotics, according to horney, fail to recognize is that the ideal self is not a positive goal, but rather unrealistic and ultimately impossible.   she proposed that the neurotic vacillates between hating themselves and feigning perfection.

strong words, eh?  no wonder she termed it a 'tyranny'.  just so we're all on the same page:

tyranny (n) [tir uh nee]
1.  arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power, despotic abuse of authority
2.  the government or rule of a tyrant or absolute ruler
3.  a state ruled by a tyrant or absolute ruler
4.  oppressive or unjustly severe government on the part of any ruler
5.  undue severity or harshness
6.  a cruel or harsh act or proceeding; an arbitrary, oppressive or tyrannical action.

so, to me, that sounds as if i'm acting as an oppressively harsh and unjustly severe absolute ruler on my own emotions.   oh and let's not leave out:  arbitrary.  no wonder it's neurotic.

apparently the remedy for this neurotic condition is to mute the critic in our heads and replace the 'should' with a 'could' or a 'choose', or simply deleting it.  acknowledging what is, rather than denying and subjugating our own reality.

'i shouldn't be so upset about it...' becomes 'i am upset.'
'i shouldn't say this but...' becomes 'i choose to say this..'
'i should go to bed earlier...'  becomes 'i could go to bed earlier...'

i can get behind that.  especially when it comes to emotions.  after all, 'should' is a mental process of evaluating and judging, and emotions are not.  as mark twain so simply put it -

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.  

and despising oneself for an involuntary act has never proven to be all that effective.  (see: snoring, stage fright, goose bumps, laughter, et al)

confession:  even now, as i conclude a blog on the destructive nature of self-judgement, i think to myself, 'i should be more clever.  this isn't as funny/clear/insightful as it should be.  i should delete and start over.'  

but no.  sure, i could be more clever.  sure, i could have brought more levity to the topic.  but the reality is - i'm not.  i choose not to.  this topic weighs heavily on me and i'm writing from a place of heartfelt consternation.

that is my reality.  and that's the only one i have to worry about.

d:  less tyranny
b:  more acknowledgement
g:  involuntary sincerity