clearing

it's been too many days since i've written. too many and yet i'm not full or overflowing yet. it seems that though i've had moments where the stories were all running together and begging for their page they've been squashed between some hard realities.

and here i sit. still fairly squashed but feeling a little more breathing room. enough that i want to attempt to write.

yesterday i was asked, 'did you get anything nice for mother's day?' and i stopped and thought for a second and then replied, 'well i spent a pretty day outside at the renaissance festival with my boys and haley.. and had a nice dinner out?' with that questioning lilt at the end of my sentence, as if to ask for approval. my friend said, 'oh really?' and i said, 'yeah.. i can't really think of anything more that i'd have wanted.' in fact, i felt sort of the way i do when i miss the punchline of a joke. as if i wasn't paying attention and something slipped by me. wait, was i supposed to want for some sort of precious mother's day gift? oops. i thought i got one.

todd had a difficult day at school yesterday. a middle school angst that there really isn't an easy way through and no advice that can help. he wanted to talk to me about it privately and then i had to play the hardest role a mom can: listener. he's at that awkward age where one second i see little boy and the next i see teenager, and for every waffle between the two he has an internal struggle. i can hug him. and then i can't. i can see his anger. and i can see his fear. and all i can do is say 'god, i'm so sorry. middle school sucks.' and try to hold back my own tears of empathy. we did a dbg at dinner last night and todd's d was 'a better day at school tomorrow.' today he cheerfully told me 'it was a thousand times better.' all is forgotten. perpetrator playing basketball in the driveway with him, todd laughing as though no tears were ever shed.

i haven't been properly to the gym in nearly two weeks. i've been riding my bike fanatically, attending taekwondo, and nursing some injuries; but mostly i've been beating myself up. for not going to the gym, that is. sigh. seems that i haven't quite made the mental changes i desire, yet.

but.. the clouds are parting. in other news, haley and i have finally had a day together. just us. to just do the things we wanted and needed to do. we hadn't been able to fit one in as one or both of us were with our parents the entirety of the prior eleven days. i needed it. she needed it. now i want another eleven days just like yesterday, it was so good.

(unfortunately that pesky thing called work is interfering.)

and i think i'm about to get out from under this house. one way or the other, i am. i have to. the slow bleed is killing me. i'm ready for an amputation.

so, though it's only tuesday, i feel every minute of the week weighing down upon me. and the weekend oh too far away.

d: continued cloud clearing
b: the most precious mother's day gift is mine: motherhood
g: forced writing. random perhaps, but writing nonetheless.