defeat

so, my house has been on the market for several weeks now and nary a word. in fact, only one person has come to see it at all; which makes the extra daily housecleaning feel like salt in the wound. i know it's nothing personal. there are hundreds of houses on the market in the area at the same or better value proposition. and i know it only takes one buyer. but still, as i feel my financial footing slipping, i'm anxious to grasp the life raft..and let go of the sinking ship. (better known as the mortgage i can't afford.)

i believe in the principle of abundance. i really do. and i've been known to say, 'there will always be more money..', which i wholeheartedly believe. but sometimes, my confidence wavers.

my anxiety raises.
my hopelessness prevails.

and all i can think about is escaping. i've been doing a much better job of staying on top of my money, tracking and counting and using cash as much as possible; but when the red outweighs the black, i simply want to run away. and sometimes shop.

it's sort of like getting on the scale, seeing a bigger number than you expect or desire, and then consoling yourself with a bag of peanut m&ms. a bit self-defeating.

i'm generally not a very competitive person and i've finally realized why that is. because whenever i feel the desire to win, i simply defeat myself.

sigh

d: a competitive spirit that drives, rather than runs over
b: i believe in abundance.. abundance unreliant on my belief.
g: awareness is the first step in change