mind

two years ago i made a decision to get healthy. it feels like five years ago, but i just counted on my fingers and i know it wasn't. today i was looking for some paperwork and ran across my original gym contract and the page where my first trainer documented my measurements, body fat, weight, etc.

i took those numbers to my laptop where i currently document the same measurements and compared. my weight is nearly unchanged. three pounds more, to be precise, but basically the same. and yet, every body measurement has increased.

hmm. what does that mean? i know.. i know. i know what it means.

haley tells me that fit people aren't skinny. i replay that mantra in my head over and over because despite what i know about my health and fitness now versus two years ago i am more insecure about my body now than i was ever before.

i'm sure it's not good business as a personal trainer to admit that my own body image has taken a nose dive since i've started becoming fit, but sometimes i see that in myself. and i'm disappointed. and puzzled. and ashamed. i know i shouldn't feel this way.

i used to participate in an online community for fitness junkies. i met some really great people there actually. tonight as i've had this come-to-jesus with myself over my self-image, one of the threads i read there came to mind. it was called 'things the scale didn't tell me' or something like that; in it people shared their accomplishments that weren't quantifiable with a scale or tape measure.

and i know i can make a long list of those things. a very long list.
that list is why i can't go two days in a row without working out.
that list is why i don't fear my body betraying me with illness or disease.
that list is why i feel able to do any physical thing i put my mind to.

and yet, somewhere along the way, i have put an ideal image in my mind that seems to only make me feel worse and worse.

must make a change. not in the gym. not in the kitchen.
just in my head.

d: a new minds-eye.
b: i can do anything i put my mind to.
g: change of mind: imminent.