rhythm

as a person who has never had much of a sense of rhythm and always prided myself on my laid back and spontaneous nature, i'm struggling tremendously with the lack of it in my life right now. i can't seem to find the beat.

the lack of structure around my time and yet the varied and discordant things pulling at me has me feeling rushed instead of relaxed, over-worked instead of half-time, splintered instead of whole.. and all around just off.

i know that this is only the second week and i know that i will settle into some sort of routine where the things that i want to do don't schedule me, but rather the reverse. i know that will happen.

i know that i will find time in my week to be a mom, to play with haley, to coddle my new baby, to see my friends, to be fit, to cook, to clean, to read, to write, to pay the bills and to work.

not necessarily in that order. or maybe almost...

it's not that the important things in that list aren't getting done really. (since i don't really find the cleaning to be all that important. *shrug*) it's just that they aren't getting done with any sort of marching cadence. (though i'd prefer skipping to marching if i were being perfectly honest.)

but since they are being done in this haphazard, half-ass sort of way i don't find myself with my usual time for dreaming.. and that is what i am missing the most.

tonight i purchased magazines with which to dream. magazines of homes and magazines of places. magazines of images that i want to manifest in my life. because until i find my beat, i'll just have to throw some scheduled dream-time into the cacophony.

d: dream time manifesting on the beat.
b: i can be patient with myself. (though nobody else.)
g: freedom to set my own beat.