perfect

i've had the weirdest day. really. i don't know if the moon is to blame or the cold rainy weather, but something about today set me off on the wrong foot and i haven't gotten my footing yet. and now, it's bedtime, so i'm throwing in the towel.

after i write. because i tried retail therapy, i tried talk therapy, i tried sugar therapy, i tried exercise therapy and pretty much that leaves only writing and sleep. (my money is on the latter, but i'm willing to exhaust all possibilities.)

in the morning haley and i are leaving for new york city. she's never been and i haven't been for fun; so we're going to explore and play and explore some more. and did i mention freeze? that too. i've been so excited and impatient for it to be here, but now that it's the day, er night, before i'm swirling with anxiety about it.

i don't generally have anxiety about travel. i'm good with planes, trains and automobiles; so to speak. but what i'm not good with is expectation and hype. and i think that's where my trouble lies.

i liken this to the new year's eve phenomenon. there's always so much build up and anticipation and count down. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6... but unless you are in fact standing in times square, it really never delivers on the promise. it's just another tick tock and then a new year. and i always, and i do mean always, find myself promising to expect less from new year's eve. the best ones i can recall were the ones where i was home and did nothing. then my reality met my expectation at least.

and so, i think that today was some of that same thing going on. i left the house this morning for the office, planning to only stop in and then head to the gym. all total i'd be done by the time the boys got home from school, as it was an early release day. then i could pack. hang out. relax.

but instead, i went to the office as planned and then hit a procrastination detour that added about three hours to my morning. oh, make that afternoon. what was the detour, you ask? oh. nothing at all. just ambivalence about what gym to go to. what route to take. what to wear. oh! what to wear? that means, i must need to stop and do some shopping. (never mind that i was already wearing my gym clothes.) a couple of stores and a pit stop at home later... i made it to the gym.

all told, this put me back at home to begin my packing, after making a very late lunch, around 5 o'clock. but it isn't so much the procrastination, because that's sort of my MO (i enjoy the pressure it provides); the thing that was unusual was my mood. i felt fragile and scattered, rather than energetic and frenzied. (and i do mean fragile. for example, i broke into tears twice when discussing the upcoming separation from mega.)

i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over what to wear.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over what shoes to bring.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over the weather.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over entertainment options.
i want everything to be perfect. i agonized over what i don't yet know to agonize about.

no. i didn't.
i procrastinated instead. i distracted myself with anything. and then with something else.

but i do want everything to be perfect. and so i was a bundle of nerves all day.

deep sigh.

it's bedtime now. and i'm going to wake up with a different point of view.

because i'm sure i didn't pack perfectly. i'm sure the weather won't be flawless. the travel probably will have a few hiccups. i'm sure we'll get lost at some point. and no doubt we'll eat some foods we wish we hadn't.

but... me and haley in new york. it doesn't get much more perfect than that.

d: anxiety-quieting sleep
b: i'm 99% packed and will get more than 6 hours of sleep.
g: vacation awaits!