strong

sometimes i find myself feeling pain that isn't mine to feel. i don't know if it's a gift or a curse. today's been one of those days.

all day, and part of last night, one of my closest friends has been going through what i imagine to be the proverbial last straw heartbreak in her relationship. and while i've spent hours on the phone listening to her cry and hours tonight witnessing a new reality settle in; i've felt my own version of her pain. even to the point of midday tears i couldn't reasonably explain.

tonight i invited her over with the promise of a home cooked meal and the distraction of torching the playroom. instead we ate out and she cried on my couch afterwards. sometimes the umbrella of pain fully obscures the break in the clouds.

as she drives home now, i feel nauseated for her. i feel anxious for her. i feel sad for her. i wish instead i could feel brave and strong and somehow transfer my energy her way, but i don't think i can. what she faces at home would be hard to bravely march into.

haley and i recently wrote a list of all the ways we characterize our relationship and one of the ways on the list was 'we are strong for each other.'

i love that one.

yesterday morning i had to be in alpharetta for a meeting at 11:30. it involved people from all over the world on a conference call and backed up to an all afternoon meeting at the office, so there was no flexibility in timing. i woke up by 8 and immediately got online to do my morning internet circuit. work email. personal email. ducked in here to write a blog. paid some bills. and then ambled downstairs in my robe to make coffee and breakfast for the boys and haley, who was still in bed.

when i put the skillet on the stove and glanced at the clock i noticed it was 9:48 am. i needed to be out the door by 10 to get luke to his destination and myself to work on time. from there i continued to throw together breakfast and become more and more frantic. miraculously i arrived at 11:25 for my meeting, owing it all to haley. she swooped in and rescued me from myself.

strong for me. strong when i was weak.

and sure, that sounds like a silly oversleeping/running late sort of story. but it's just the first one that comes to mind. (and honestly, nothing makes me melt into a puddle of tears worse than having nothing to wear and running late.)

a week or so ago, i was standing in her workshop sanding small pieces of her latest painting as she sawed them. and then without warning i was in tears over something more profound than matching a shirt and pants and getting the cream back in the fridge. something that nobody else in my life could have put back together. and she glanced at me through a cloud of saw dust, saw my face crumble, and immediately wrapped me in her arms.

strong for me. strong when i was weak.

it's an amazing feeling. i wish i could give my friend a platonic version of the strength and support i feel from haley. i tried. but mostly i just felt her pain.

d: strength for my friend.
b: i feel other people's pain?
g: i have someone strong for me.