selfish

it's a tuesday night and i just watched my one tv show of the week. usually it's a family thing. the boys and i settle in for our tuesday night biggest loser event each and every week. i typically have to lay on the floor holding the antenna just so, lest we lose the signal. the boys take turns running downstairs to retrieveacceptable snacks and generally eat continuously through the two-hour weight loss show. (that irony isn't lost on me.)

the boys left for thanksgiving with their father today; so this week i watched it alone. or rather in the company of four legged companions only. oliver and green replaced the boys, on the couch, and mega maintained her customary place of esteem, on my lap. i filled the commercial breaks with quick dips into the third volume of my twilight obsession.

the house is clean. no laundry piled on the couch. the kitchen sink empty. the quiet and stillness (aside from the pups' occasional bursts of energy) fill my entire three thousand square feet and ricochet.

while i was making my dinner, luke called. just to talk. mostly to see how my day went, what i did, what i was planning for the evening. no agenda. just reaching out. he said he loved me and he'd call tomorrow.

i wondered after we hung up if this is what it will be like when the nest is empty. i know this goes against the societal taboo, but i love it. i love my time alone. i love my time with only haley. i love the freedom of getting home when i want. eating when i want. reading at the table. writing when i want. structuring only myself.

selfish? absolutely.

i never hear my other parent-friends say it and when i've said it in their company i'm met with furrowed brows and concerned awkwardness. it seems like most moms are constantly playing the 'one-up' game of martyrdom. for parents being selfish is the most shameful character flaw on the market.

but i reject that notion. i think, no - i know - that there's a place in my life for me. and my identity is bigger than 'mother'. so i shrug off the shame. i feel no guilt for putting a high value on myself.

in fact, i attest that in this context a selfish mother is a better mother. because if i don't role model self care where will my children learn it?

d: a selfish holiday weekend.
b: i'm not a martyr.
g: puppies, baking and quiet ricocheting.