treats

i just caught mega humping one of her baby toys. her baby toys because she's still a baby herself! how can she possibly be doing such a thing? i tapped her flank and scolded her and she hung her head. is it possible she knows it's inappropriate? nothing would surprise me.

i've run out of the important, essential commands to teach her. so now we're doing frivolous things like laying out three treats in front of her and then sending her to them one at a time, in an order i specify. it's win/win to her - she gets three treats! and it's a power trip for me - i point and she eats! added benefit: it teaches her patience and self-control.

i personally could use more of both. maybe i should enroll in puppy class, for myself. after two mini-meltdowns, (ok, maybe not so mini), in as many days i am in need of probably an entire semester at obedience school. it seems that my thoughts and emotions and energy are at the whim of some other entity and certainly not in line with my higher thinking. i call that entity: hormones.

i'm trying to get a grasp on what may be misaligned in my hormonal circuitry; met an endocrinologist, am reading and studying possibilities, and am getting every toxin out of my life that's within reach. keeping the system as pure as possible. and yet... it feels as though a nuclear reactor melts in my head when i get this way and nothing can contain it.

i read in a book recently, 'schedule around your pms..' as in, know when it's coming and don't make any critical decisions during that time. wouldn't that be nice? it would be nice enough to know when it's coming, ie have any semblance of regularity; but being able to put the rest of my life on hold while my estrogen takes over would simply be divine.

perhaps i could put a little escape hatch in my garage. i feel the temperature rising in the reactor and i simply could jump through the hatch and slide down a tunnel to a get-away vehicle, think batmobile, that takes me somewhere free of responsibility and free of... myself. until i come back to what's normal for me, at least. then i could reemerge in my family, in my life. all put back together and refreshed. nobody else the worse for the wear.

sigh

unfortunately under the piles of paint cans and the strewn and broken bicycle bits my garage holds no escape hatch. no tunnels to freedom here. and so, tonight i'm cuddled into bed, mega under my arm, working on a spreadsheet for my day job, and trying to buffer my contact with the outside world by at least a layer of technology; as i've heard that those mushroom clouds can be quite deadly.

mega just sighed in her sleep. i imagine she's dreaming of a row of treats laid out before her. (not the quasi-sexual experience she just had with her baby toy)

hmm, perhaps a row of treats is the answer i'm looking for.

d: patience and self-control.. with and of myself.
b: despite a failed first attempt, second try success at my daily workout.
g: a family and partner that love me..and bring me treats, right when i need them.