exits

narrowing the exits

i only recently heard this expression, or actually read this expression, in a favorite relationship book of haley's and it really struck me. the phrase refers to a conscious effort to reduce, and eventually eliminate, the mechanisms in which we 'exit' uncomfortable situations. all sorts of things from distraction to drug abuse to isolation to work addiction to tv-vegetating to.. well, you get the picture. all these things and more can serve as exits.

when i read about exits, my first thought was 'sleep!' and even more than that - sleeping with my eyes open. i've been thinking for a while that my sleepy-state-of-mind had a deeper root in my mind than my sleep doctor wanted to admit; but this idea of it being a figurative and literal relationship exit really clicked for me.

the suggestion by the author is to stop yourself when your foot starts heading out the door, so to speak, and confront the emotion that is giving you the boot. and so i committed to doing that. because, while i know with absolute certainty that my body is becoming physically sleepy - so sleepy i can barely keep my eyes open at times, i also know that my body is only acting out the established response pattern my brain has established.

change my brain, ie change my mind, and therefore change my body. i believe it's that simple.

i quit taking the nuvigil. i figured if i'm going to confront the exit-causing-emotion, i'll have to experience the urge to exit.

two weeks so far.
still awake.
barely, at times.
but awake nonetheless.

and two weeks in i've learned that when situations become draining, literally draining of my energy, i hit the door. it can be as simple as the boys being rowdy or wanting me to watch a youtube video for the umpteenth time; or as complex and emotional as someone i care about hurting or struggling. at those times my desire to play along or to help wages war with my instinct to hibernate and i often find myself in a daze. a sleepy daze.

it's been exhausting, all this staying awake. but i'm happy to report that the exhaustion is from all that i'm seeing and feeling, rather than what i'm missing.

d: closed exits.
b: i've narrowed them considerably.
g: it's quite warm and safe in here.