panic

so, by now i think i should be fairly used to this new way of life where i can't find shit or remember shit. but i'm not. or maybe i expected it to pass when my hormones swang back the other way. sadly, that hasn't been the case.

most recent losses are the perfume i wear every day - and never move off my dresser. and a notebook i very carefully transcribed my workouts into, just last week. and then the next day - gone.

poof.

vanished.

maybe it's in the rental car i drove while my mustang was being drained? maybe it's in the vortex that's eaten the rest of my things over the past couple of months? i've even contemplated if the boys had the cahoonas to try and orchestrate this grand staging of my memory loss. (i decided they don't. or even if they did, they haven't, because they aren't getting enough - or maybe any - glee from my misery.)

and then i had a slight reprieve from the losses. (only two things in a week, that's a reprieve by my standards.) but every time i found myself sitting in traffic, my gas gauge would be resting on E. every time.

there are three things that immediately set off my panic button:

1. losing things
2. rushing to beat a clock
3. my gas gauge on E*

when those three things occur together they create the perfect storm. (and that's happened many times lately.) but any one of them can send me off the deep end, never mind combining them.

so, for the past month or more i've found myself living in this state of panic and it's exhausting me.

i don't know what to learn from it. i don't know what to do to resolve it. (i did fill my gas tank this evening, before the light came on. so maybe that's a start?)

i just don't know.

d: my brain back. please?
b: though the devil is in the details, the big picture is feeling very good.
g: i fall asleep easily.

*background note: this is a new addition to my panic list, added when i got my current vehicle. prior to this car, i was pretty comfortable running the tank until the red arrow was a centimeter or so below E. but i learned in the first month i owned this car that i don't have that luxury. the arrow hits E and i'll be on the side of the road. there's no reserve. not even a hair past the line.