waking

today i made my debut at the sleep center and met a hilarious, older south african doctor. it must be fun to wake people up, as he was well past the age of retirement, but obviously enjoys what's doing enough to stick around.

and let me tell you, i'm wide awake today. after answering no less than a dozen pages of questions about my sleep and wakefulness and a lengthy conversation, dr. south-africa diagnosed me with narcolepsy. it seems that what i'd deemed as poor management of my carb balance or a constant punishment for sleeping 6 or 7 hours instead of 8 really turns out to be something clinical.

i'm queued up for a sleep study, where i get to sleep all night and all day for the people behind the glass. i'm not sure how i'll manage to go to bed at 11, hours before my bedtime, and then spend the entire next day taking 20 minute naps. maybe i'll bring a jump rope.

but i digress. today, i'm awake. dr. south-africa gave me samples of a medicine designed for wakefulness. i took half a pill this morning and an hour or so later, i woke up. i mean, really woke up.

[sidenote: this medicine is not an amphetamine or ghb. those are second and third-line treatment options and clearly i'm on my first.]

it feels sort of like too much coffee, though no racing heart. and sort of like coke, though i've had a side-effect headache, so it's decidedly less blissful. i felt like talking a lot - more than usual, if you can believe that; and i had lots of energy to get things done. so, sort of like an amphetamine but without the perk of appetite suppression?

but the best bit of all is that on my commute home.. without the benefit of great music or my cell phone, i was wide awake. i found myself noticing things that i don't usually. like the other cars. new businesses. billboards. (who is the cake boss anyway? a new tv show?) and when i got home, to get ready for the gym, when i'd usually be overcome with sleepiness and need a 15 minute crash; i loaded up clothes for goodwill. (two bags delivered and five more in my car, for the record.)

i remember when i was 12 years old and went to the eye doctor for the first time. after the rigmarole of '1 or 2?', '3 or 4?', 'better here.. or here?', i remember the shock i felt when the doctor moved the lenses away and said 'this is how you've been seeing things'.

'and this is how you'll see them now.'

i've had a similar sensation today. i can't really imagine what it will be like to be awake all the time. lifting the veil of continual sleepiness. removing the need to occupy my hands, eyes and mouth at all times to stay awake. having the ability to sit still and just be. but today i got a glimpse of it.

i've been reading a couple of books about the mind-body connection and diseases as expressions of what's happening in our psyches. it makes me wonder why this is in my body. why am i suddenly sleeping? when did it start and from what was i escaping? a characteristic of narcolepsy that i have experienced is immediate vivid dreams. often before i'm fully asleep or fully awake. why are these dreams penetrating my waking hours? why are they so close to the surface?

and so on.

i briefly took anxiety medicine a number of years ago. and at a couple of intervals in my life i've taken preventative headache medicine to mitigate daily tension headaches. in both of those cases i identified inner medicine for the pains and let the prescriptions fall by the wayside.

so for the time being, i'm going to try this wakefulness medicine. i'm going to take advantage of my new awareness. i'm going to focus my attention on what it is i'm trying to sleep through. and when i identify that, i will be awake without dr. south-africa's interventions. of that i am certain.

d: wakeful attention on my intentions.
b: i have the power to heal this.
g: i'm awake.