200/20

i didn't get the job. but i did get an answer. and i think that's what i really wanted anyway.

there are lots of caveats and provisions and potentialities wrapped up in the closure, but at the end of the day, it's still closure.

lesson from mom many years ago: you don't have to be given closure by someone else, you can simply take it for yourself. doors close from both sides. and wouldn't you know, she was right. so why i waited and waited to get this closure on a job that has been growing less attractive day by day, i don't know.

the little voice in my head was getting louder.. pointing out the qualities on the perfect-job-list that this one would fall short of... pointing out the lack of respect i've been shown in the process.. pointing out the mad desire to escape i felt every day when i walked into the office.

but now, hindsight being 20/20 and all that, i am grateful that the little voice was there, creating some emotional distance from the idea even if i didn't consciously listen or acknowledge it. i know that is allowing me to keep my energy high and positive. i think i could count the number of minutes today that i've felt angry, disappointed or rejected on one hand. and i have that little voice to thank.

i don't know what's next. i'm relishing in the notion i only need to see 200 feet at a time and believe that the road will take me where i want to go.

relieved. liberated. excited!

my new 'job' is out there, waiting for me. it's being created at this very moment, just for me. it may not be a 'job'. it may not look like what i've done in the past. it may not feel like what i've done in the past. in fact, i hope it doesn't. i hope it's entirely new and different. more fulfilling. more expressive. more flexible. more fun. more nurturing. more me.

d: the perfect 'job' for me.
b: my vision is 200/20.
g: an opening disguised as closure.