meantime

over last christmas my laptop's hard drive crashed and since everyone in our IT department was vacationing, i was without my computer and data for about two weeks. it may have been a good time to be without it in the big scheme of things, since little business happens that time of year anyway, but it didn't feel that way to me.

though we have three other computers in our household, i largely rely on my work laptop as my personal computer. essential things like my banking, photos, and i-tunes all reside on it. i was beside myself. i felt as though i were doing things in the dark. it was scary.

as i'm working in a position that's technically been eliminated and waiting for some indication of future employment, i have a similar feeling. in addition to the 'should i back-up my hard drive today?' (aka 'will today be the day they say nevermind.. we're good here. see you later. and by the way, hand over that laptop.') i also am wondering things like, 'do i put in a vacation request for next month?', 'do i accept meeting invitations for things in two months?', 'do i plan travel for off-site meetings?'

in the meantime, it requires living as if.

as if i've got assurances.
as if i'll be treated fairly.
as if i'm secure.
as if i'm confident.
as if...

the reality is i consider every decision and wonder if i should wait for certainty in income or certainty in 'free time'. i wonder if i'm being used or if i'm being valued. i wonder if i'm being naiive or if i'm being intuitive. i try to balance my commitment to the organization and commitment to my sanity. work-life balance has never had such significance. best foot forward vs holding enough back.

patience has never been my strong suit and there's a reason limbo originated from the latin limbus, referring to the edge of hell.

d: certainty.
b: still on the edge, rather than the flames.
g: a paycheck in the meantime.