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today marks two years since i collapsed in the floor with pulmonary embolisms. acute chest pain and i couldn't catch my breath to speak, yet i didn't want to inconvenience anyone to take me to a hospital. i opted instead to get in bed and hope it would pass, a nagging feeling in the back of my head that it wouldn't and perhaps it was actually 'something'.

a sleepless night. drift off. wake up, gasping for air. drift off. wake up, scared. alone.

early morning. bright june sky, opening with light. my lungs, still closed and dark.

local doctors refused to see me, instead referring me immediately to the hospital. reluctantly, i agreed to go. a PA dropped me off on the sidewalk of rush university medical center and in no rush of my own, i queued for the emergency room.

dubious of the severity. irritated at the inopportune timing. curious as hell at the peculiarity. and alone.

that part didn't strike me as odd.

blood draws. stethoscope. ct scan. ekg. an hour of testing.
results in hand, urgent knocking. admitted to icu within minutes of radiology's report.

can i make a phone call? the ER walls annoyingly block cell signals.

that call was the hardest and the easiest to make. how do i tell the people who love me most that i didn't want to be a bother and as such, nearly choked in my sleep, but now i'm ok and in a hospital in chicago, no you don't have to come, but yes i'm alone and i really need you.

by nightfall my mother was there. she never left my side.

a year later, last june 24th, i ended my medical treatment for my PE. one year to the date. i remember i was sore from an intense workout, that night. it was nearly sleepless because of that back pain, made more intense on deep breath; and it triggered fear and memory of a similar, yet not at all similar, sleepless night with pain upon deep breath. but in that moment of darkness and fear, i drew upon the knowledge that my pain was from strength rather than weakness and i rested. alone.

tonight, i take a deep breath and let it out. no pain. another deep breath. let it out. i am stronger now than i was a year ago. i am happier now than i was a year ago. i am more aware. i am more open. i am more loving. i am more patient. i am more active. i am more creative. i am more outgoing. i am more connected. i am more compassionate.

i am more grateful. every single day.
and i am not alone.

d: in another year: more.
b: i would not hesitate to be a nuisance to someone for a ride to the hospital now.
g: a milestone of more.