little

i first heard the expression, 'i feel little' from an ex. she used to say it all the time and rather than elicit some sort of loving compassion it usually made me want to retort, 'well then stop acting so damn big.'

and i don't think i've heard or used that expression since. until recently, at least. i'm not sure what happens to my voice in a literal sense, but something about it changes at times and haley is quick to point out, 'you sound little' when it does. i don't think it's a volume thing, i think it's a tone. but whatever it is, when she says that, she's right.

little emotionally: vulnerable. weak. sad.

having someone notice that and point it out to me makes me pay attention to it. i want to discern why. i want to uncover the thing that smooshed me down. and sometimes, try as i might, i can't. i guess the fall back is 'hormones' or 'tired', but that doesn't seem quite fair. it's like saying, 'just because'.

right now i feel little.

it's an enigma because it came out of the blue. from laughing and up and secure to tiny and lonely and confused. crashed over me like a rough surf in the night. but i know it will pass.

i am not tiny. i am not alone. i am not confused. i will ride this wave of emotion and know that it always leads back to a shore.

d: a soft shore
b: i am riding, rather than drowning.
g: a little voice to cue my awareness.