weary

they say, 'no news is good news', but i'm wary of that stance. today it's been seven weeks since i was told my position was eliminated and i'm not just wary, i'm weary.

i heard today that they extended an offer to an outside candidate for one of the three open positions. it wasn't the one i interviewed for, but that's small consolation. i am having a hard time focusing on anything other than the fact they were certain about him and obviously not certain about me, at least not yet. or not in my favor.

limbo persists. interminable waiting persists. fatigue has set in.

and i'm fighting back doubt and distrust and doom, but they are lurking in the shadows.

i'm bad at this. my energy is accustomed to being much higher. i like spirals that go up, rather than down.

i find myself reaching for sugar. chocolate chip cookies in the break room. brownies left over from a meeting.

i find myself reaching for encouragement. calls to haley. emails to jackie. conversations at friends' desks.

i find myself reaching for escape. how early can i leave? can i take a nap? a walk? hide in the supply closet?

but what do i really want? do i want the new role here? do i want a new role, yet undefined? do i want the absence of a role?

yes.
i want all of those. i want none of those.

i want less weary and more waking.

d: the other side.
b: i've felt this way very little over the past seven weeks.
g: tomorrow is friday. i'm less than an hour from today being over and tomorrow is friday.