tiptoe

a few days after my seventh birthday i woke up and didn't go into the kitchen for breakfast, despite the increasingly frustrated calls from mom requesting my presence. i didn't go in because when i put my feet on the floor, i couldn't walk. my legs simply gave out. mom suspected i was joking and was reasonably irritated and impatient. mornings are hectic enough without hijinks, i imagine she was thinking.

i wound up in the arkansas children's hospital where they poked and prodded and watched me like a lab rat in a maze trying to figure out why an otherwise healthy seven year old would wake up and suddenly be unable to walk. the general consensus was that it was an unusual autoimmune disorder, guillain-barre syndrome, which generally comes on fast and goes away slow. it causes paralysis starting at the feet and working its way up the body. the cause: usually unknown.

i remember 'pacing' the hall of the children's hospital for all the medical students and residents to scratch their heads. the way i walked with little to no strength in my legs was peculiar. instead of the usual heel to toe, i started my steps on my tiptoes. and then my heel set down weakly and awkwardly. the doctors would chide, 'heel to toe! heel to toe!' as though i had chosen to be deliberately contrary.

tiptoes: tentative

i find that i still go down stairs on my tiptoes. i don't think that everyone else does, but maybe they do. sometimes i find that it puts me off balance, precariously leaning down the stairs as i tread on them, imagining a headlong fall.

tiptoes: tottering

and i've always been one of those people who can't squat down flat-footed. i wind up on my toes when i get down to floor level. i'd be a terrible baseball catcher, landing on my butt with every catch i'm certain.

tiptoes: tenuous

today my calves are killing me. i worked them out hard on thursday night and the soreness has really caught up to me. i don't mind though. for some masochistic reason i enjoy those tiptoe exercises and find the tightness there to be very gratifying.

tiptoes: tighten

and when haley kisses me i usually reach up on my toes. it's not intentional and our height difference isn't that significant, but it just happens as i try to get closer to her.

tiptoes: trembling

with time as my healer, i eventually recovered from the childhood guillain-barre. the only remaining evidence of my brief paralysis is a permanent loss of my patellar reflex. no matter how many times i'm tapped on the knee with that rubber hammer, nothing happens. that's a rather inconsequential effect in my life, only noticed at annual physicals. but the awareness i have about my tiptoes is undoubtedly related.

today i am tiptoeing. i am trembling and teetering. i am tenuous and tentative. i am tightening and tottering. but i have experience with suddenly paralyzing mysteries and i know that my freshly pedicured tiptoes are stronger than they look.

d: heel-toe, heel-toe. in due time.
b: no knee-jerk reflexes for me.
g: tiptoeing produces strong calves.