nausea

beep beep beep
snooze
beep beep beep
moan.. no i don't want to get up.. i don't want to leave..
beep beep beep

try as i might, reality crashed in on me this morning via my alarm and a wave of nausea washed over as i packed my bags to leave selman, for the week. for all the nuisance of living out of a suitcase (or three), cooking in a kitchen with limited resources, and losing a pair of panties a day to oliver's teeth; it was all bitter and no sweet to pack up my car this morning.

but i'm consoled by my boys' homecoming tonight. despite the fullness of my time with haley, i have missed them and the life we share together. i find this dichotomy of my life with them and my life with her leaves me in a state of longing at all times. and in precarious balance.

when i first became interested in exercise and fitness, i hired a trainer. meka very patiently coached me through basic form and technique and gently teased me about my lack of coordination and balance. i fell more than once and it always took me at least a set or two to master anything more complicated than a bicep curl.

she often wanted to end our training sessions with abs and core work and i heavily protested this format. at that point of fatigue, training core would invariably nauseate me and i'd leave the gym fighting to hold my stomach. we adjusted the routine to work core earlier in our sessions and i grew to love those exercises. maybe in part it was the lack of green in my face but i think even more was the immediate improvement i saw in my balance as i trained my core.

as my time and heart are held in precarious balance again, i wonder if it's my core that i should attend to and draw upon.

it is at my core that i feel peace.
it is at my core that i renew energy.
it is at my core that i am creative.
it is at my core that i balance.

and maybe, just maybe, tending to it sooner rather than later will stem the nausea.

d: 6pm, for to see my boys
b: core strength!
g: joy upon joy to balance...