when?

What lies behind us and
what lies before us
are tiny matters
compared to what lies
within us.

~ralph waldo emerson

about a month ago, after another depressing day at the office, i spent a page in my journal creating the perfect job. i listed the criteria that i wanted in a new role and then i sent it on its mystical way. it seems like my ideas manifest all the time and this was the perfect opportunity to get to manifestin' about.

and three days later i was told my position was being eliminated. hmm, not exactly what i had in mind. but then i spent today interviewing for a new role that could have been lifted from the page of my journal. in nearly every way, it meets the requests i made. i haven't been told it's mine yet, not by anyone at the office anyway, but i know it is. i've claimed it. peed on the hydrant and marked it as such.

in college i took a number of higher level math classes, thinking i'd pick up a minor in it. i appreciated the literal nature of math and it was easy for me. that is, until i sat down in number theory. i've quite nearly blocked it out of my memory, it was such an educational black hole, but it lingers on.

see, suddenly math wasn't numbers - it was writing. but where i'd always found writing wonderful because it's creative and stylistic and intuitive; math writing - not so much. now writing could be right or wrong. argh.

the backbone of the number theory curriculum was proofs and the entire class orbited in an if-then universe.

if i went to number theory class, then my eyes glazed over.
if i went to number theory class, then i wanted to slit my wrists.

or something like that. i hated if-then then and i hate it now. i've rewritten if-then to when?now!

if-then is fear-laden.
when?now! is secure.

if-then is doubful.
when?now! is trusting.

if-then is controlling.
when?now! is detaching.

if-then is stalled.
when?now! is motion.

before is if and behind is then.
but joy and growth and spirit...what lies within... when?now!


d: live when?now!
b: what lies within is evolving and growing
g: kiss-ass interviews and hydrants all around