100

100 blogs. today marks my 100'th blog. that sounds like a lot and then it doesn't either. it feels like i've written so much more than that. though i've been lax at times about hitting the deadline, i have kept up through the marvels of modern technology. blogger allows the equivalent of backdating a check with the interface.. i can write this blog today and post it a week ago! gotta love that.

speaking of checks... today i decided to go ahead, bite the bullet, and balance my checkbook, so to speak. for most of my life i was pretty compulsive about managing my checking account through quicken and online bill pay. and then the red bars started overtaking the black ones and i decided to quit looking.

haley is always saying that the new agey, metaphysical stuff we believe gives us just enough power to be dangerous.. and i think when it comes to this part of my life she's probably right.

where i can sit on the one hand and manifest abundance and prosperity and attract exactly what i need and feel fully vested in the law of attraction and all that jazz... on the other hand, i can glance at the dollar sign symbol on my desktop, quicken's shortcut, and feel my frequency drop, my mood sink, and fear roll in like the tide.

and then, i remember that if i dwell in that place i'll only attract more of it and so i avoid it. i avoid my bills. and bill collectors. i avoid the process of looking at my cash flow and scheduling things. i avoid the process of reviewing my statements. i avoid all of it.

and instead of feeling bad every time i do those things, i feel that same thing every time i pay for anything. which, incidentally, is more frequent.

this is quite the effective system.

so, i marvel at the miracle of what i've manifested despite myself. somehow i've let enough of the good thoughts out into the universe and kept the negative thoughts at bay to draw in what i need. but i feel a sense that i'm holding myself back from even greater abundance in this area of my life through this behavior pattern. it doesn't feel healthy, so to speak.

i invite a new attitude toward this part of my life. how can i welcome in more money when i am loathe to manage what i have now? i want to rewrite this in my script.

so i'll start here. with my 100th blog, dedicated to reversing a negative pattern, and for a change i won't backdate it. i'll start right now. and i'll start with the G today, because ultimately i think that's where the change takes place.

g: my needs are met with abundance.
b: i balanced my checkbook today and paid my bills.
d: less guilt and less self-criticism; more awareness of what is.